Jennie's Journal with Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid

[jennielee]

Day 16: its 4:30 in the morning and ive cried so much im sick to my stomach and cant sleep. I was going to write some of my thoughts out but thought better of it.

If someone truely loved you and wanted you in their life wouldn't they fight to make it happen? There is always a way, but it isn't in my hands anymore. I wish the person i love would show me im worth fighting for, show me im worthwhile and not just someone that could be discarded or replaced. Guess as the song goes "you cant always get what you want". Well if i can keep my nausea in check i should probably find something productive to do being that its obvious sleep isnt working.

[ffaux]

Jennielee it seems like you're going through something very difficult right now emotionally so maybe the timing of this advice isn't perfect but I think you would really benefit from just trusting in EPRHA and going about your life. Whenever something comes up you don't have to dwell on it anymore, just know that EPRHA is at work and will take care of it and then move on to the next thing you have to do.

I have observed that you try to analyse and understand a lot but my question to you is this: if you're not planning to have the problem again (because EPRHA is taking care of it), what benefit is there of understanding the thing that is very soon never going to impact you again?

[jennielee]

Simple answer, its not a thing, its a person. And I love them more than words can describe and i dearly want them.in my life. Im hoping that will be the case. They walked away to help me grow. I dont know if they will come back, but i surely hope that is the case. If it was a problem then yes it would be easy, and im hoping that EPRHA rids me of the problems that forced them to walk away. But its hard losing someone you love more than anything even if it ends up being temporary it still hurts terribly. I would give anything to have a chance to have them back in my life and to do things differently. If genies were real my one wish would be to have that person with me for the rest of my life. Maybe one day my wish will come true. Who knows. In the mean time im living my life the best i can.

[jennielee]

Update: so apparently it seems that the majority of my turmoil is being fueled as of late by my subconscious as a way of trying to resist change. It took me a bit to figure out, but finally it clicked, and obce i caught myself the pressure seems to be shifting. Whatever it is that its fighting so hard to protect is sure going to be major when i get there. Right now my subconscious mind is trying to do everything it can to push people away who are deemed a threat, and now it seems that the latest is an attempt to get me to stop using the sub. Guess this is where progress starts huh? Thankfully as of late all i have to do is become aware of what my subconscious is doing to get it to stop. But i still feel strange, kind of like the eye of a hurricane..

[jennielee]

Wow when it rains it pours. I finally cracked one of those big secrets my subconscious was trying to hide. But im not sure i can handle it. Im still in total shock and desperately wish i had someone i could confide in at the moment. This one is definitely a life changer to say the least. Gosh i just want to cry and cry right now. It explains so much and yet im not sure its the core of the onion. .

[jennielee]

Well it seems the proverbial emotional roller coaster i was on has come to a crash. I feel empty and hollow at the moment like i have lost a piece of myself. The only bright thing is ive managed to stop crying, now if only i could sleep. I guess your right ffaux, i just need to trust that the path the sub has guided me to is the right one, even if it doesn't seem so at the surface.

[swisston]

Wow when it rains it pours. I finally cracked one of those big secrets my subconscious was trying to hide. But im not sure i can handle it. Im still in total shock and desperately wish i had someone i could confide in at the moment. This one is definitely a life changer to say the least. Gosh i just want to cry and cry right now. It explains so much and yet im not sure its the core of the onion. .

You are anonymous on here. Confide away.

[jennielee]

Day 17: yesterday i hurt myself to a degree im not sure i will ever recover from. But i also made a discovery. I have been alot like a magnet as of late. Being drawn in one particular direction it seems. I was in a position where that magnet was stronger than i was. The best way i can describe it is like how dogs are drawn to their owners no matter how far you try to send them away. Well yesterday i was demagnetized so to speak. I wish i had known 6 days earlier that that one thing would make such a huge difference. It probably would have saved me a ton of heartache. Maybe it all had to happen the way it did because i was holding on to the point of causing myself pain and inevitably failure had i continued down that path. I now have a gaping hole in my heart, but this time im not worried about me anymore. I have to put my selfishness to the side for the greatest good for everyone. Sometimes when you really love something the greatest way to show it is to let go. I understand that now. Its all becoming clear. They were right all along and i was too blinded to understand. I have let my emotions cloud me for far too long. Today i feel cold emotionally but right now i need to seperate from them so i can ultimately put my daughter ahead of myself. I dont matter anymore, and neither does anyone else. I just wish i hadn't caused so much pain in my process of getting it.

[ffaux]

You are exactly where you need to be in your journey.

[jennielee]

You are exactly where you need to be in your journey.

I really really hope so. The worst part is i can't undo the pain ive caused in others because of my own selfishness. The only thing i can do is become the best person i can and avoid being a selfish fool.in the future.

[jennielee]

I just really feel like dirt because i hurt the one guy that ever cared for me more than himself because i was too scared to trust him like i knew i could/should. Im tired of being a victim to fear and it has cost me way too much.

I am feeling so sick physically and even losing sleep over all of this. I cant believe how much i have hurt the person i loved more than anything. I wish i could see them again, but im so afraid im just going to end up hurting them again. I never meant to hurt them, and really wished i was stronger than the fears. I would give anything to have them hold me and tell me it will all be ok, that things will work out. That i could move on from the guilt i feel over this. I am so scared at the moment that i have destroyed everything that could have been, and should have been. And all for what? Because i was short sighted afraid and selfish.

[jennielee]

Sick or not i need to go out with my daughter and promote my business a bit if possible. The worst thing i could do now is add a failure to my list of mistakes. So no matter how much it hurts i have to push for what matters most. Being successful and providing for my daughter

[jennielee]

Well now ive gone and done it. I managed to ride my bike way too far because i was pissed off and self destructive. Now i have to get my butt home without hurting myself any further.

[jennielee]

Im home safe. Not sure yet if im going to need to go to the hospital, but ill rest for a bit and cross that bridge later. So anyway i ended up riding a total of 8 miles and of course i had to end up at the very same publix he took me to for the money orders to move. Every time i turn around there is another reminder and it hurts so much. I accomplished nothing except probably hurting myself so far today, and it angers me. At this rate i dont know what pain is worse, the pain of not having him or the pain of knowing it was all my fault. Anyway its time to put everything down and rest before i go do something else stupid emotionally.