Alpha 5.0

[mat422]

So what do I want? I guess that's an important question that needs answering and I'm not sure if I can answer it at the moment. I like to think I've got this internal compass, but lately all the negativity in my life is like being in an electromagnetic field which makes the compass go haywire. It's making it difficult not to doubt every single thing I do.

The answer to that will help you the most, imo.

As for your music, I don't know how you approach it, but for my writing and directing, it always comes from a "guilty pleasure" place. In that I take pleasure out of exercising my ability to write and direct. It's not about what I produce, so much as it's about the pleasure I get while producing it. I also do it out of boredom. When I'm bored, I write, when I'm bored of what I'm writing, I write something inside that story to change it up. It's really just letting yourself go and not having an end result in mind.

I've always said that art is a living thing. Once you start creating it, it becomes it's own entity, and you just help it emerge into the world until it's finished. At that point, it spreads it's wings and flies away.

Hope that makes sense.

As for Stage 5, it'll probably be bumpy at first, then it becomes smooth sailing straight through to Stage 6.

Good luck.

For me I guess I do get caught up on the end result more than the experience. I could probably enjoy it a lot more if I didn't feel that way. I'd also probably get a lot more music done because I wouldn't have to worry about the end result as much.

I hold the same view with art. I always feel like the process of making a track is smoother when I don't try to control and I just let go.

[SargeMaximus]

For me I guess I do get caught up on the end result more than the experience. I could probably enjoy it a lot more if I didn't feel that way. I'd also probably get a lot more music done because I wouldn't have to worry about the end result as much.

I hold the same view with art. I always feel like the process of making a track is smoother when I don't try to control and I just let go.

Totally man, it's the only way to do anything in life.

[mat422]

Having a little chicken and egg situation right now. I'm always curious what helps and what doesn't. So lately I've been feeling better. My mind doesn't feel as chaotic, my sense of impending doom has lessened, and I don't feel that constant fight or flight type feeling as much.

I've been taking vitamin d and b complex after blood tests showed I was low. So it could be that.

But I just finished with stage 4 and I'm on to stage 5 now. It could be that stage 5 is smoothing more things out.

And one more thing. I've been reading about Jung's cognitive functions. Basically it boils down to 2 dominant functions and 2 lesser functions. The two most dominant functions essentially influence how you process the world. The lesser ones are utilized but aren't as natural. I realized my dominant function is introverted feeling. Through the years I tried to get rid of that because I felt I was too sensitive. But I'm learning to embrace it now and use what naturally comes to me as a strength. Basically I feel like I've got a manual for how I process things and it's helping me understand myself more which puts me at ease.

The functions tend to link together in a sort of chain to give you your type as well. I realized I'm an INFP. Now I know a lot of people are opposed to boxing yourself in and it seems like having a type is like that. But the type isn't the personality, nothing is absolute, it's just a predisposition to interacting with the world in a certain way. Consequently when you do interact with the world in a certain manner it tends to breed similarities. Those Myers-Briggs tests online aren't as accurate and their horoscope like descriptions need to be taken with a grain of salt. But there are some truths to them. It's interesting how people definitely do follow patterns.

[mat422]

Just have to say if there's one thing I absolutely want to get rid of, it's my perfectionism. I've gone through phases. Originally I thought it gave me an edge. I'd look at things deeper, take time to understand, craft my work in the finest way possible. But then I saw it as a double edged sword. Now I feel as if perfectionism has absolutely no place in my life. I read an article today that perfectly described how perfectionism differs from high achievers. Perfectionists are pushed, we are pushed by the fear of failure to do something. There is passion there, but for the most part we live in fear of not measuring up. High achievers are pulled. They take that passion and let it energize them. Along the way they are happy with whatever progress they make. Now a result of this is perfectionist will procrastinate and high achievers will keep working towards their goal because it's fueled by enjoyment, not fear.

Right now whenever I make music I put my focus on enjoying it. Even if I make the most awful music, if I enjoyed it then it was a learning experience and gave me that creative outlet I need. This is really hard because something screams in me that I need to suffer or be overly critical about my music otherwise I won't grow or get better. But it's such a lie. I see that now. I'd make more progress if I fostered my creativity along the way instead of just stomping it out after every little mistake. I'll admit that there is a little bit of fear also. Mostly fear that I might become complacent and fall under the delusion that my work is great and then stop seeking improvements. But one thing is for certain, I can't live my life like this anymore. Perfectionism has got to go.

[SargeMaximus]

Just have to say if there's one thing I absolutely want to get rid of, it's my perfectionism. I've gone through phases. Originally I thought it gave me an edge. I'd look at things deeper, take time to understand, craft my work in the finest way possible. But then I saw it as a double edged sword. Now I feel as if perfectionism has absolutely no place in my life. I read an article today that perfectly described how perfectionism differs from high achievers. Perfectionists are pushed, we are pushed by the fear of failure to do something. There is passion there, but for the most part we live in fear of not measuring up. High achievers are pulled. They take that passion and let it energize them. Along the way they are happy with whatever progress they make. Now a result of this is perfectionist will procrastinate and high achievers will keep working towards their goal because it's fueled by enjoyment, not fear.

Right now whenever I make music I put my focus on enjoying it. Even if I make the most awful music, if I enjoyed it then it was a learning experience and gave me that creative outlet I need. This is really hard because something screams in me that I need to suffer or be overly critical about my music otherwise I won't grow or get better. But it's such a lie. I see that now. I'd make more progress if I fostered my creativity along the way instead of just stomping it out after every little mistake. I'll admit that there is a little bit of fear also. Mostly fear that I might become complacent and fall under the delusion that my work is great and then stop seeking improvements. But one thing is for certain, I can't live my life like this anymore. Perfectionism has got to go.

Wow man, I made pretty much the same discovery today as well.
Perfectionism is a demon of fear the devil.

[mat422]

Just have to say if there's one thing I absolutely want to get rid of, it's my perfectionism. I've gone through phases. Originally I thought it gave me an edge. I'd look at things deeper, take time to understand, craft my work in the finest way possible. But then I saw it as a double edged sword. Now I feel as if perfectionism has absolutely no place in my life. I read an article today that perfectly described how perfectionism differs from high achievers. Perfectionists are pushed, we are pushed by the fear of failure to do something. There is passion there, but for the most part we live in fear of not measuring up. High achievers are pulled. They take that passion and let it energize them. Along the way they are happy with whatever progress they make. Now a result of this is perfectionist will procrastinate and high achievers will keep working towards their goal because it's fueled by enjoyment, not fear.

Right now whenever I make music I put my focus on enjoying it. Even if I make the most awful music, if I enjoyed it then it was a learning experience and gave me that creative outlet I need. This is really hard because something screams in me that I need to suffer or be overly critical about my music otherwise I won't grow or get better. But it's such a lie. I see that now. I'd make more progress if I fostered my creativity along the way instead of just stomping it out after every little mistake. I'll admit that there is a little bit of fear also. Mostly fear that I might become complacent and fall under the delusion that my work is great and then stop seeking improvements. But one thing is for certain, I can't live my life like this anymore. Perfectionism has got to go.

Wow man, I made pretty much the same discovery today as well.
Perfectionism is a demon of fear the devil.

Yeah, I think now that I can really feel how perfectionism holds me back and how utterly pointless it is, I can move past it. It wasn't enough for me to logically understand why it was bad, I had deep emotional ties to keeping it around.

Which brings up my next thought. The whole INFP type. I tend to go with my gut or what feels "right". Unfortunately feelings aren't accurate all the time. But because this is my primary way of interpreting the world, it becomes incredibly difficult to let go of feelings. Especially because one of my "rules" is to trust in your feelings. To tell myself that a certain feeling isn't right, but others are, it just tears a hole in that whole philosophy.

I honestly believe that this is why change is difficult for me at times. I naturally process the world through my emotional/feelings side rather than the logical/thinking. Not to say I can't be logical or think, but because the feelings hold priority it's hard to let go without feeling like I'm violating some internal system.

All that being said, I think I just tore down a belief structure and now I'm building back up a new concept. But this is what my mind constantly does, takes in the environment and processes it through this internal filter I've built and connects different ideas together. My mind is very chaotic.

[Leonidas]

Which brings up my next thought. The whole INFP type. I tend to go with my gut or what feels "right". Unfortunately feelings aren't accurate all the time. But because this is my primary way of interpreting the world, it becomes incredibly difficult to let go of feelings. Especially because one of my "rules" is to trust in your feelings. To tell myself that a certain feeling isn't right, but others are, it just tears a hole in that whole philosophy.

I honestly believe that this is why change is difficult for me at times. I naturally process the world through my emotional/feelings side rather than the logical/thinking. Not to say I can't be logical or think, but because the feelings hold priority it's hard to let go without feeling like I'm violating some internal system.

All that being said, I think I just tore down a belief structure and now I'm building back up a new concept. But this is what my mind constantly does, takes in the environment and processes it through this internal filter I've built and connects different ideas together. My mind is very chaotic.

I can completely relate to you, I am an INFP as well, it's almost impossible to do something if it doesn't feel right.

All the Best, I would be following you with keen interest, and don't hang much upon your personality type, it's just a fraction of who you are because when you are caught up in your head you presume many things, like, 'Oh, I am an INFP, I can't be a social butterfly; Oh, I can't be that masculine as INFP's tend to be more on the feminine side.' It will kill your progress.

Like Shannon's Signature says: Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight head.

[SargeMaximus]

Yeah man, and besides, personality types can change.

I've done a few myers-briggs (sp?) and one from a college, they all gave me different results. ENFJ, INFJ, INFP.

In the end, you are who you are. Be the creator of what your personality is, not the responder to what it's supposed to be.

[mat422]

Which brings up my next thought. The whole INFP type. I tend to go with my gut or what feels "right". Unfortunately feelings aren't accurate all the time. But because this is my primary way of interpreting the world, it becomes incredibly difficult to let go of feelings. Especially because one of my "rules" is to trust in your feelings. To tell myself that a certain feeling isn't right, but others are, it just tears a hole in that whole philosophy.

I honestly believe that this is why change is difficult for me at times. I naturally process the world through my emotional/feelings side rather than the logical/thinking. Not to say I can't be logical or think, but because the feelings hold priority it's hard to let go without feeling like I'm violating some internal system.

All that being said, I think I just tore down a belief structure and now I'm building back up a new concept. But this is what my mind constantly does, takes in the environment and processes it through this internal filter I've built and connects different ideas together. My mind is very chaotic.

I can completely relate to you, I am an INFP as well, it's almost impossible to do something if it doesn't feel right.

All the Best, I would be following you with keen interest, and don't hang much upon your personality type, it's just a fraction of who you are because when you are caught up in your head you presume many things, like, 'Oh, I am an INFP, I can't be a social butterfly; Oh, I can't be that masculine as INFP's tend to be more on the feminine side.' It will kill your progress.

Like Shannon's Signature says: Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight head.

I know what you mean. I've seen a lot of INFPs on forums think they are doomed to be forever sad or alone in the world. The funny thing with INFPs is you tell them it's not true and they'll respond as if they know who they are and it feels right. Anything that feels "wrong" is considered wrong. Horrible black and white thinking which I've been guilty of as well.

It's definitely all about balance. Now that I have a better idea of where I'm going wrong it helps a lot.

Yeah man, and besides, personality types can change.

I've done a few myers-briggs (sp?) and one from a college, they all gave me different results. ENFJ, INFJ, INFP.

In the end, you are who you are. Be the creator of what your personality is, not the responder to what it's supposed to be.

Those myer briggs tests aren't too reliable. Results constantly change. But the cognitive functions can't, it's literally how your brain is wired to perceive the world.

Here's a link if you're interested

I think of it more like a manual for your brain. Looking back on my life now I can see how my habit of putting so much emphasis on feelings hindered me. It was a combination of stubbornness and anxiety. It's crazy because I grew up intuitively trusting my feelings and nobody ever told me that feelings can be wrong at times.

[mat422]

Been a while since I posted. I've been focusing a lot on my physical health lately. Often I make the mistake of assuming something is purely mental and tie my brain in a knot trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I've cut gluten out of my diet. So no wheat, rye, or barley. It's only been a couple of days but my thinking is much clearer and my depression hasn't been as bad. Also not as fatigued all the time.

Now I don't know if I have a gluten sensitivity or if this is celiacs disease. But there's something going on here. If my stomach lining is damaged from all these years of eating gluten then it's gonna take a while to repair. Something interesting I found was that serotonin is produced largely in the gut, so if your stomach is messed up it could definitely lead to depression.

Basically I'm doing all I can to track down the origin of all this. Whether mental or physical I'm determined to fix it. I pretty much refuse to believe that this can't be cured or that it can only be remedied with anti-depressants. The side effects from those things are enough to put me off from them.

[SargeMaximus]

Been a while since I posted. I've been focusing a lot on my physical health lately. Often I make the mistake of assuming something is purely mental and tie my brain in a knot trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I've cut gluten out of my diet. So no wheat, rye, or barley. It's only been a couple of days but my thinking is much clearer and my depression hasn't been as bad. Also not as fatigued all the time.

Now I don't know if I have a gluten sensitivity or if this is celiacs disease. But there's something going on here. If my stomach lining is damaged from all these years of eating gluten then it's gonna take a while to repair. Something interesting I found was that serotonin is produced largely in the gut, so if your stomach is messed up it could definitely lead to depression.

Basically I'm doing all I can to track down the origin of all this. Whether mental or physical I'm determined to fix it. I pretty much refuse to believe that this can't be cured or that it can only be remedied with anti-depressants. The side effects from those things are enough to put me off from them.

Good to hear, on all fronts.

I too have cut gluten out of my diet and went a step further to cut all grains (save for oats, corn, maybe a few others, but no bread or grains that make bread, wheat, rye, etc) and yeah, it does a world of good.

I heard the human body isn't well equipped to digest grains, which is why the sudden shift after cutting it.

Just wait for a month to hit, you'll never go back, honestly.

Also, try to cut dairy as well, same thing. Both steps I took on the advice of my trainer at the gym and the guy has been studying kynesiology(sp?) for like 5 years, maybe more. He knows a TON about the body.

I highly doubt you have celiacs, like I said, wheat and all that just f*cks with your body.

I'd also recommend matcha tea (though make sure you get enough calories to handle that one. It spikes your metabolism, but you should be able to feel the change and be able to eat enough to level out.) but it's a bit expensive.

While I'm at it, I'll add my recommendations for a sound mind and body:

- Remove ALL grains from your diet, or as much as can be done.
Grains (especially bread) have an interesting effect on the body, in my experience. The literally make you FEEL full, so you assume you've had enough to eat. But, if you try a non-grain diet for 30 days, you will find (as I did) that you feel SATISFIED without them.

This is a HUGE difference. Grains (I would speculate) are a cheap way to feed the masses without REALLY feeding them, you know? Kinda like "yeah well, they gotta eat something, otherwise they'll freak out."

It is my opinion that grains (like many things in life) are a substitute for something else. In this case: real, satisfying meals.

Don't believe me, try a no-grain diet for 30 days, no cheating, then go back. If you don't notice a difference, you get your money back.

- Remove all DAIRY from your diet.

Same thing here. I don't know what it is, but dairy is just plain bad. Which sucks because I LOVE me a good pizza, and I do occasionally indulge now and again, but I still know that both grains and dairy are better avoided.

- Only eat non-processed foods, the human body (in my opinion) was not meant to eat chemical warfare. I avoid these foods as much as I can, and feel better for it.

- Rarely drink alcohol (if you must, drink wine, or limit use). This one's obvious, if you want to have a productive life, stay sober. That and beer is fattening.

- No porn (if you must, limit use). Can't explain this one, but porn affects the mind. It makes you jittery and apathetic, among other things. I try to limit my use because I do enjoy it, but I also recognize the ill-effects.

- No masturbation (if you must, limit use). This is a big one. Masturbation depletes your energy. I don't care to speculate on what "kind" of energy it is, and I'm not going to go all new-age nor Buddhist, but it is a fact (in my experience, at least) that masturbation brings you down, and makes it harder to gain momentum in your life. It's almost like hitting a reset button in which your drive, creativity, and passion goes back to zero.

- Do Natural Grounding! This one is huge, believe me. I still cannot figure out why it works, but it does. It frees up your mind, takes some of the weight off and lets you just be calm and relaxed. Be wary, though, NG usually calms you to the point of becoming non-Alpha and apathetic, so balance it with something.

Either balance it with one of the AM programs, or with an intense drive towards a goal during your day. I usually only watch one NG video in the morning and it's enough to subtly influence my day in a very calm and relaxed manner, without depleting my passion or drive which seems to happen when I watch more than one. So, despite the good benefits, limit use.

- Drink Matcha Tea. There are simply too many benefits of this super-food to list here, if you want more info, google it.

- Work out! Aside from boosting testosterone and forcing you to be around people, it gives you a good mini-quest to put your energy towards.

Anyhow, that's about it. Can't think of any more ATM.

Just had to put this down, because I think it's important.

That is all.

[mat422]

Been a while since I posted. I've been focusing a lot on my physical health lately. Often I make the mistake of assuming something is purely mental and tie my brain in a knot trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I've cut gluten out of my diet. So no wheat, rye, or barley. It's only been a couple of days but my thinking is much clearer and my depression hasn't been as bad. Also not as fatigued all the time.

Now I don't know if I have a gluten sensitivity or if this is celiacs disease. But there's something going on here. If my stomach lining is damaged from all these years of eating gluten then it's gonna take a while to repair. Something interesting I found was that serotonin is produced largely in the gut, so if your stomach is messed up it could definitely lead to depression.

Basically I'm doing all I can to track down the origin of all this. Whether mental or physical I'm determined to fix it. I pretty much refuse to believe that this can't be cured or that it can only be remedied with anti-depressants. The side effects from those things are enough to put me off from them.

Good to hear, on all fronts.

I too have cut gluten out of my diet and went a step further to cut all grains (save for oats, corn, maybe a few others, but no bread or grains that make bread, wheat, rye, etc) and yeah, it does a world of good.

I heard the human body isn't well equipped to digest grains, which is why the sudden shift after cutting it.

Just wait for a month to hit, you'll never go back, honestly.

Also, try to cut dairy as well, same thing. Both steps I took on the advice of my trainer at the gym and the guy has been studying kynesiology(sp?) for like 5 years, maybe more. He knows a TON about the body.

I highly doubt you have celiacs, like I said, wheat and all that just f*cks with your body.

I'd also recommend matcha tea (though make sure you get enough calories to handle that one. It spikes your metabolism, but you should be able to feel the change and be able to eat enough to level out.) but it's a bit expensive.

While I'm at it, I'll add my recommendations for a sound mind and body:

- Remove ALL grains from your diet, or as much as can be done.
Grains (especially bread) have an interesting effect on the body, in my experience. The literally make you FEEL full, so you assume you've had enough to eat. But, if you try a non-grain diet for 30 days, you will find (as I did) that you feel SATISFIED without them.

This is a HUGE difference. Grains (I would speculate) are a cheap way to feed the masses without REALLY feeding them, you know? Kinda like "yeah well, they gotta eat something, otherwise they'll freak out."

It is my opinion that grains (like many things in life) are a substitute for something else. In this case: real, satisfying meals.

Don't believe me, try a no-grain diet for 30 days, no cheating, then go back. If you don't notice a difference, you get your money back.

- Remove all DAIRY from your diet.

Same thing here. I don't know what it is, but dairy is just plain bad. Which sucks because I LOVE me a good pizza, and I do occasionally indulge now and again, but I still know that both grains and dairy are better avoided.

- Only eat non-processed foods, the human body (in my opinion) was not meant to eat chemical warfare. I avoid these foods as much as I can, and feel better for it.

- Rarely drink alcohol (if you must, drink wine, or limit use). This one's obvious, if you want to have a productive life, stay sober. That and beer is fattening.

- No porn (if you must, limit use). Can't explain this one, but porn affects the mind. It makes you jittery and apathetic, among other things. I try to limit my use because I do enjoy it, but I also recognize the ill-effects.

- No masturbation (if you must, limit use). This is a big one. Masturbation depletes your energy. I don't care to speculate on what "kind" of energy it is, and I'm not going to go all new-age nor Buddhist, but it is a fact (in my experience, at least) that masturbation brings you down, and makes it harder to gain momentum in your life. It's almost like hitting a reset button in which your drive, creativity, and passion goes back to zero.

- Do Natural Grounding! This one is huge, believe me. I still cannot figure out why it works, but it does. It frees up your mind, takes some of the weight off and lets you just be calm and relaxed. Be wary, though, NG usually calms you to the point of becoming non-Alpha and apathetic, so balance it with something.

Either balance it with one of the AM programs, or with an intense drive towards a goal during your day. I usually only watch one NG video in the morning and it's enough to subtly influence my day in a very calm and relaxed manner, without depleting my passion or drive which seems to happen when I watch more than one. So, despite the good benefits, limit use.

- Drink Matcha Tea. There are simply too many benefits of this super-food to list here, if you want more info, google it.

- Work out! Aside from boosting testosterone and forcing you to be around people, it gives you a good mini-quest to put your energy towards.

Anyhow, that's about it. Can't think of any more ATM.

Just had to put this down, because I think it's important.

That is all.

Thanks for all the advice. Yeah, something about short grains. The wheat we eat today isn't the same stuff people ate in the past. It was modified to produce more, but I think the gluten content raised and now people aren't able to stomach it as well. I don't think it's bad for everyone, some people just really can't tolerate it. I didn't realize how bad it was for me until I cut it out for a while. My motor skills were impaired, my speech would slur at times, it's pretty much like I was drunk, and the fatigue was awful. The thing is, I had mistakenly assumed the subliminals were taxing my brain more and that it was no big deal.

I don't know if I'd cut out dairy though. I don't have any ill effects from dairy. Maybe after going grain free for a while and things still feel off I'll cut it out. But for now I'm just trying to target stuff that actually makes me ill.

I'll be sure to check out that matcha tea. Sounds interesting.

[mat422]

Well tomorrow I'm gonna be starting stage 6. I've decided after alpha is over I'm taking a hiatus from subliminals for a while. While I've made some progress the amount of strain and stress just wasn't proportional to the amount of growth.

I'm still unsure how exactly I react to these subliminals, I still can't figure it out. All I know is that sometimes it can make things feel worse for me.

After a long long time, I'm finally confronting my inner demons. I'm gonna be going to a therapist for my depression and see how it goes. I wanted to do it all on my own and I think it was a matter of me being more stubborn than strength of will. I should have got help years ago, but I think I was scared of others seeing it.

As a guy I feel like logically I understand the foolishness of stuffing your problems away and how getting help isn't weak. But I'd be lying if I said I'm still heavily conditioned to follow the whole man up attitude and get your shit together approach. It hasn't worked and I'm pretty much done with that.

Sometimes you have to realize when something isn't working and change your plan of action. Who knows, maybe it was this subliminal that's pushing me towards this.

I don't question the power of Shannon's subliminals for one second, but for me I think there is something else going on that won't be solved by using them alone.

[SargeMaximus]

Well tomorrow I'm gonna be starting stage 6. I've decided after alpha is over I'm taking a hiatus from subliminals for a while. While I've made some progress the amount of strain and stress just wasn't proportional to the amount of growth.

I'm still unsure how exactly I react to these subliminals, I still can't figure it out. All I know is that sometimes it can make things feel worse for me.

After a long long time, I'm finally confronting my inner demons. I'm gonna be going to a therapist for my depression and see how it goes. I wanted to do it all on my own and I think it was a matter of me being more stubborn than strength of will. I should have got help years ago, but I think I was scared of others seeing it.

As a guy I feel like logically I understand the foolishness of stuffing your problems away and how getting help isn't weak. But I'd be lying if I said I'm still heavily conditioned to follow the whole man up attitude and get your shit together approach. It hasn't worked and I'm pretty much done with that.

Sometimes you have to realize when something isn't working and change your plan of action. Who knows, maybe it was this subliminal that's pushing me towards this.

I don't question the power of Shannon's subliminals for one second, but for me I think there is something else going on that won't be solved by using them alone.

Have you ever used OGSF?

I've been to a therapist myself, and while they can help you come to terms with your emotions and internal sh*t, they lack the direction to help you move forward. Just don't get stuck in feeling good while making no progress. In the end, I realized it was going to be up to me to fix "me", but at the very least this might help you sort some things out.