Alpha 5.0

[SargeMaximus]

But that background noise. Don't you think your life would be a hell of a lot easier without it? You've got a point though, if I keep waiting for it to get better before I move forward I'll be wasting valuable time.

Of course, I'm not denying that.

But,
Life would be easier if we didn't have to eat; if we never felt pain, if we didn't need sleep, if we never grew old, if we didn't need to recover from injuries, if we were invulnerable, or if we were immortal.

But that's not what life is. Life is hard. You can embrace it or try to find a way around it. But if you choose the latter, you'll feel like you've never really lived at all. I know this because I was there (and still am in a lot of ways) but I know that in order to grow, I need to experience difficulty and pain.

I'm just confused how you could turn it into a comrade. I've pretty much accepted this for a large portion of my life. Maybe it helped me be more resilient, but other than that I couldn't possibly see how it's not an obstacle. Especially when I feel like it interferes with moving forward.

Have you ever gone to the gym? Lifting weights properly (as in, not just doing it for the sake of lifting and to impress people, but to actually try and figure out how your body works and then work with it) you learn a few things:

First off, you learn that lifting weights is hard.

Then you learn the difference between "good" pain and "bad" pain in terms of the days after. If it's a good pain, you know your body is recuperating. If it's a bad pain, you know you did the workout wrong and injured yourself.

You learn to get in tune with your body, almost like it's a separate entity. There is much you can learn from yourself.

You learn that eventually you get used to the pain and see it as a sign that you've accomplished what you were after (a workout that will stimulate muscle growth), and you learn that such a workout can be accomplished in a little less than an hour, so you also learn that most people who "hit the gym" for hours and never see any gains are probably doing it for reasons other than improving their body. Which means that you also learn that you, in fact, ARE trying to improve your body, and all that knowledge about pain and difficulty means you learn that that is what is required to grow.

Then you learn that if you stop feeling the pain, and lifting weights becomes easy, and you're not seeing any gains, that you have plateaued and are not going to improve until you start lifting heavier weights, which means: more difficulty, more pain, and more exhaustion.

That's life my friend. It's the same with anything.

So how does it become a comrade? Because it's a sign that you are growing and making efforts to improve despite the difficulty. While everyone else in the world is content to settle for what they get by putting in the minimum amount of effort to get it, you're not willing to settle for anything less than everything you want, even if it's "too hard".

[AlphaScorpio]

You are sounding much more alpha recently sarge, even though I don't agree with everything you say your attitude sounds improved. I personally don't see life as having to be hard but see it as a challenge that can be at times scary and threatening but when faced full on is exciting and fun and above all else satisfying.

I will be honest, at times I have found yours and other people's (including mine) journals annoying to read because it was at times a bunch of victim mentality whining, but it's great, motivating and highly interesting to see you and others grow into mature, accepting characters. Keep it going to the both of you.

AlphaScorpio

[mat422]

Of course, I'm not denying that.

But,
Life would be easier if we didn't have to eat; if we never felt pain, if we didn't need sleep, if we never grew old, if we didn't need to recover from injuries, if we were invulnerable, or if we were immortal.

But that's not what life is. Life is hard. You can embrace it or try to find a way around it. But if you choose the latter, you'll feel like you've never really lived at all. I know this because I was there (and still am in a lot of ways) but I know that in order to grow, I need to experience difficulty and pain.

Some amount of difficulty and pain comes with growth. You have to question though when enough is enough. What happens when life is so hard you aren't making progress as well as you should? I completely agree with you, but the difficulty of life is on a spectrum. It's not just two extremes of incredibly easy or ridiculously difficult. A lot of people take pride in going through life with excessive hardship, they wear it as a badge of honor. To the point where they might look down on people who have an easier life as lazy. Just like those who see being poor as a virtue and being rich as having a vice. Back to limiting beliefs and building a reality around them. Are some challenges good? Definitely. Challenges are what life is all about, it helps us learn and grow. But I'd argue that not all challenges are good. Some challenges just beat you down and strip you of your willpower. Sometimes life isn't all about experiencing pain and difficulty, sometimes it can be about learning to do something better or learning that you don't need to experience that degree of pain and difficulty.

Have you ever gone to the gym? Lifting weights properly (as in, not just doing it for the sake of lifting and to impress people, but to actually try and figure out how your body works and then work with it) you learn a few things:

First off, you learn that lifting weights is hard.

Then you learn the difference between "good" pain and "bad" pain in terms of the days after. If it's a good pain, you know your body is recuperating. If it's a bad pain, you know you did the workout wrong and injured yourself.

You learn to get in tune with your body, almost like it's a separate entity. There is much you can learn from yourself.

You learn that eventually you get used to the pain and see it as a sign that you've accomplished what you were after (a workout that will stimulate muscle growth), and you learn that such a workout can be accomplished in a little less than an hour, so you also learn that most people who "hit the gym" for hours and never see any gains are probably doing it for reasons other than improving their body. Which means that you also learn that you, in fact, ARE trying to improve your body, and all that knowledge about pain and difficulty means you learn that that is what is required to grow.

Then you learn that if you stop feeling the pain, and lifting weights becomes easy, and you're not seeing any gains, that you have plateaued and are not going to improve until you start lifting heavier weights, which means: more difficulty, more pain, and more exhaustion.

That's life my friend. It's the same with anything.

So how does it become a comrade? Because it's a sign that you are growing and making efforts to improve despite the difficulty. While everyone else in the world is content to settle for what they get by putting in the minimum amount of effort to get it, you're not willing to settle for anything less than everything you want, even if it's "too hard".

Yeah I used to lift weights, not anymore though. Might get back into it. Might just go back to bodyweight exercises, I'm more interested in gymnast type strength exercises. Anyway, you're aware that some people never get DOMS right? Soreness after the day of a workout isn't necessarily an indicator of growth. The biggest indicator is obviously progress. If you lift to failure and overtax your CNS, you're out for a couple of days and the next time you lift you won't make as much progress. Whereas if you don't push to failure, you might not experience as much pain, but the progress is there in the next workout. Same could be said for people in life. Some individuals experience tremendous pain and little progress, whereas others experience little pain and tremendous progress.

I see where you're coming from, but I also see how your experiences have caused you to interpret reality in an absolute fashion. I admire and respect your determination to keep pushing. But just remember that every single person experiences their own reality and some of these individuals do not feel the need to experience excessive pain and difficulty.

[SargeMaximus]

Look, I never said you use pain to prove you're progressing, I said it's an indication of growth. Therefore, if something hurts or is difficult, it might just be an area to grow in! Heck, it was painful for me to talk to those people at the gym today I mentioned in my journal, but I did it anyways. I'm talking more about progress without regard for the hardship, I'm NOT saying you go looking for hardship as a way to progress.

There's a HUGE difference, and you'll figure that out in time.

It's just like the "good" and "bad" pain at the gym. After a while, you know which is which. You can just feel it, and you don't need to rely on anything but your own judgement to determine whether you are making the right progress or not, because you're not lying to yourself and you're in tune with yourself. Simple as that.

If you're progressing, you are, if not, you're not. Find a way. If it's hard, push through, if it's easy, let it slide. Just be in tune with yourself.

There's nothing else you can do but go by your own experiences. Like you said, we're all different, so find what works for YOU. What do you want to achieve? Then find a way to achieve it by using what works FOR YOU.

That's really all there is to it.

[mat422]

I wasn't really implying that. Just that sometimes growth can come without pain. All these analogies are getting out of hand though, I think there might be some miscommunication here.

Bottom line, what you said about using what works I completely agree with.

[SargeMaximus]

Bottom line, what you said about using what works I completely agree with.

Awesome. Do that and you'll be fine. Look forward to reading more as you progress.

[mat422]

I just want to scream right now. Today my head was going crazy. My OCD was just out of control. And combined with the depression and anxiety, I just laid in my bed and couldn't move when I got home. It's like I was hypersensitive to everything, my brain just felt burned out and the only thing that gave me relief was staring up at my ceiling. So yeah, today was just really brutal for me.

But it eventually subsides as long as I rest enough. And what I realized is, my fear is still holding me in place and sabotaging me whenever it can. Lately it's pissing me off a great deal. Obvious fear sucks, but at least you can recognize it for what it is. The problem is when fear becomes more subtle, slowly manipulating your belief system to implant the idea that change isn't possible or something is out of your control.

That's what's been happening to me. My OCD is a result of a need for control, and that control stems from fear. That fear has been holding me back in life which is causing the depression. I need to break away from the fear, but the OCD tells me it's a bad thing and I engage in my overly obsessional thinking. I have to note that it's not your typical wash your hands OCD. This is known as purely obsessional. My thoughts take the place of the rituals, which makes it harder to keep on top of. So I may think that thinking obsessively about something could help me, but in reality I'm just engaging in a ritual to relieve the anxiety. It's all very complex and ridiculous. I'm currently stopping myself from scrolling to the top of this post to reread this. That's another one of my bad habits, I reread and recheck things, I need to get them perfect to the point where a 2 minute post might take more like 20 minutes.

Anyway. What I realized is, my previous thoughts on depression and OCD were just a way for the fear to stay in place. Modern therapy helps, but they even state that they never "cure", only maintain. So they leave people with this sense of being stuck with these behaviors and patterns for the rest of their lives. All my efforts to remove any negative beliefs that contribute to my OCD have been met with fear when dealt with on a conscious level. I procrastinate, get sleepy, my mind gets fuzzy, I feel like I'm lying to myself, etc. I don't think it's possible for me to make any change on the conscious level. My fear is like a bouncer, any and all attempts are just knocked on their ass. The more I push, the more the fear responds and as a consequence my OCD grows stronger too.

I can't tell you the amount of times my mind told me it would be a good idea to stop the subliminals, but I never listened. The way my mind has been responding to the fear, making me believe it's impossible to overcome any of this. It's not the truth, but it's making me believe it is the truth. I'm just caught in limbo. This is what some people don't get when it comes to change. Your subconscious is so powerful, if it has learned that this is what keeps me safe then that's what it's going to carry out 100% of the time full force.

I really hate this. I hate how vague and abstract some of my own views on life have become and how out of control my thoughts are. So I apologize to everyone who has given me advice here and it seemed like I squashed it with negativity. Fear has given me Stockholm syndrome. I was and still am stuck with delusional thinking, unable to see past it at times.

[SargeMaximus]

I got like this today actually, that feeling that nothing will work, why try, why continue, I'm a special case where nothing will work for me etc.

My coach has told me about this and says that when that feeling hits in full force, you are on the verge of a breakthrough. I've experienced the proof enough times to know he's right, which is why I keep going even when it truly feels 100% impossible. So I applaud your stubbornness as well. It's best to keep going.

Don't worry about the advice either. It'll all be there when you regain your senses.

[mat422]

I got like this today actually, that feeling that nothing will work, why try, why continue, I'm a special case where nothing will work for me etc.

My coach has told me about this and says that when that feeling hits in full force, you are on the verge of a breakthrough. I've experienced the proof enough times to know he's right, which is why I keep going even when it truly feels 100% impossible. So I applaud your stubbornness as well. It's best to keep going.

Don't worry about the advice either. It'll all be there when you regain your senses.

Hopefully I have some kind of breakthrough soon. I guess this was a breakthrough by itself in a way.

Just thinking about some more things today. I think over the years as I felt burned by a lot self help methods and even my own attempts at change I internalized the belief that change wasn't possible. I have to undo this somehow. This could be the one belief that holds me back the most. If change isn't possible, then no matter what I do nothing will work. The thing is, I have changed for the better from these subliminals. Change is possible, I just don't understand why I believe that I'll be stuck with depression for the rest of my life.

The other thing that was on my mind today. If I could eliminate all my negative beliefs, would I still have the drive to want to be an alpha male? I've touched on this before, but I'm unsure whether or not my desire for growth is positive vs based in insecurity. I guess I can't tell until I actually separate the two. But I feel like I'm starting to do that.

On a side note I'm gonna be starting back on working out tonight. Exercise is great for depression and I've been sedentary too long. Right now I'm just worried if working out is gonna make me more tired and depressed though. It has had the opposite effect on me in the past. But I'll give it a shot for a month or two before completely writing it off.

[SargeMaximus]

Try not to think of it as "do I want to be an Alpha Male?" but just do what you want to do, and try to make progress towards your goals.

Hitting the gym is a great idea by the way, and you'll have the chance to talk to people as well.

[mat422]

Try not to think of it as "do I want to be an Alpha Male?" but just do what you want to do, and try to make progress towards your goals.

Hitting the gym is a great idea by the way, and you'll have the chance to talk to people as well.

Yeah, I'll try not to get stuck in my head too much.

Probably should have specified I'm gonna be working out from home. I don't really have the money for going to the gym right now. Plus the gyms in my area are kind of limited. Still, at least I'm working out again.

[mat422]

So I've been thinking about more stuff. Which is funny because thinking is my defense mechanism. Logic has always been my weapon to combat negative feelings, unfortunately that's not the best response for negative beliefs and such. I've been trying to go deeper and pull out negative beliefs that I think might be holding me back. And I think that maybe my reluctance to change is just a form of procrastination, which is fueled by fear which is connected to fearing failure. But I'm sure it goes deeper than that. All I know is, facing those negative beliefs is not an easy thing.

I was working on some music today. Now I know most stuff in life doesn't come easy, there's always gonna be some challenge. But as I sat there at my computer today I realized one thing. The only thing holding me back from progress is the fear of failure. There is no such thing as writers block, there's always ideas. They may not be good ideas, but that shouldn't stop me from experimenting with that. Now most people would advise me to just keep pushing and plow through the fear. But here's the thing. I constantly feel like getting up and walking away in the middle of a song. It's like my brain is telling me to stop, but I keep going. There just has to be an easier way. All that energy that I use up fighting that feeling would be better spent focused on the creative pursuit.

So hopefully in the next few days I can work on some internal stuff more and make some kind of breakthrough. I just have to go back to square one and start with being honest with myself instead of pushing away deeper held beliefs with logic in an attempt to avoid them.

[rayrocanaldo]

Hey mat,

what do you mean by go deeper pull out those negative beliefs ? And how do tou do that by the way ?

[rayrocanaldo]

I wish I were you. You seem to get in touch with your beliefs easier than me. I'm ca't get int ouch with them at all. If I could, then I'd easily eliminate th but I can't.
How do you so easily get in touch with the beliefs you are looking for ?