Alpha 5.0

[SargeMaximus]

You're totally right. I've got a bad habit of ignoring it. I'm going to try to let things be more from now instead of trying to control it so much. I think part of it is that I still have issues when it comes to my emotional state. Just a lot of years of suck it up and powering through, but it always makes things more difficult.

Yeah man. I can totally relate. I used to plow through everything, even people, just to get to some "other side". I'm not quite in-synch with the present moment yet at times, but it's definitely getting easier, and this particular development has only come from AM, so you're in good hands to make the change.

[Patti]

Hey Mat,

I've come to the conclusion recently that I am one of the unfortunate people who resists these programs to the point of physical illness.t So basically I'm taking a break from listening to anything. I'm a little bummed because I really wanted to start AF in September, but it just seems silly to start it if I can't finish it. One of the frustrating things for me is that anyone else in my family that listens to these programs do not seem to have any trouble with them and actually flourish from them. I'm the only one that has such a strong negative reaction. I took an online test the other day that suggested that I have a fear of change (which I knew and think that is huge with me), I have both a fear of success AND a fear of failure (how's that for a double whammy?!), a fear of unworthiness and a fear of losing my identity. So basically I'm living my life in fear. or so that test said. I guess I just have so many deep seeded issues that I can't get past at this time. I still have faith in subliminals, well Shannon's anyway, so maybe I'll try listening again when I'm a little stronger both mentally and physically.

The point is, I know your struggle and much of how you feel. I know how hard some days can be just to get out of bed and go to work or do whatever you need to do. I had thought if I would have only had these programs when I was your age, I wouldn't be as stuck as I am now at my age. I am so in such awe of your strength to push through and move on one day at a time. And I know it's hard to see the positive changes that happen but we can all see in your posts that you are definitely moving forward. Just keep going....you're inspirational!

That's really unfortunate. How physically ill do you get? I'm always amazed by the individuals who flourish from these subliminals. But I look forward to the day when I can flourish too.

Thanks for the kind words Patti. It means a lot to me. This is really the only place I've ever been open about my struggles in life. So it's nice to hear from everyone else around here who might deal with the same hardships. We all have the strength to push on, if there's one thing I've learned it's that even when you think you can't, you most likely can. Hopefully you can get back to the subliminals soon and continue on your path for growth.

I actually get debilitating anxiety that brings on intense nausea. This past time I could hardly get out of bed for 2 and 1/2 weeks. I was vomiting every morning, basically nothing because I couldn't eat anything. Understand that it's not just the sub but also my life in coordination with them. The sub just seem to make me too weak (for now) both emotionally and physically to be able to deal with situations that arise here. I think the thing is for me Mat, if I lived by myself and I might be able to push through. But I don't have the luxury of time or aloneness and I just have too many people that depend on me, to be broken down to be rebuilt by the subs (right now). I have to be one of the strong people in my family. I do think I'll use them again when things calm down here and I also believe it can be a good thing to take a subconscious break. I've been listening consistently to one sub or another for about 2 years now. I had to go back on medication but I kinda think that might not be such a bad thing for when I do start to listen to the programs again. It might help to keep my anxiety at bay a little. I can handle a lot of what the subs brings but anxiety that strong that brings on nausea like that I just can't handle. I guess I have some deep seated issues that are possibly complex.

[Shannon]

I have encountered one other person who had a feedback loop of fears. Her fear was of both success and failure, AND of being attractive and of being unattractive. I've been working with her using hypnosis, but we are not able to get together often enough that I am getting very far just yet. Her issue is weight, though, and we are making headway. I have spent 8 years trying to understand why she is so resistant, and through hypnosis I have learned more in 2 hours than I have in the previous 8 years. The time has come.

I'm planning to rebuild OGSF as a 5G/OE, and in fact today have been doing R&D on the next version of the OE toward that goal and others. The new implementation of the Optimus Engine incorporates a couple of things BAMM uses to fantastic effect, and so far my models consistently show that it has better results than V1. I'm not done optimizing the V2 implementation yet, but I may actually be able to build OGSF as a 5G today or tomorrow. I think that would be very helpful for you to use on your fears, Patti.

[SargeMaximus]

I'm planning to rebuild OGSF as a 5G/OE, and in fact today have been doing R&D on the next version of the OE toward that goal and others. The new implementation of the Optimus Engine incorporates a couple of things BAMM uses to fantastic effect, and so far my models consistently show that it has better results than V1. I'm not done optimizing the V2 implementation yet, but I may actually be able to build OGSF as a 5G today or tomorrow. I think that would be very helpful for you to use on your fears, Patti.

This is very hopeful. I also just read your journal entry Shannon, and something about it all sounds remarkable.

Is the OGSF in AM 6.0 the same as OGSF 5G? I know AM 6.0 is 5G but I fear it may be different. Since my own guilt, shame, and fear are becoming increasingly obvious to me, I am grateful to the recent developments, for myself as well as for people like Patti, whom I applaud for their refusal to give up.

Many people in this world with less complicated and deep-rooted issues do give up, so it is a glorious thing to see.

[Shannon]

Wherever it can be used, it will be.

[mat422]

I actually get debilitating anxiety that brings on intense nausea. This past time I could hardly get out of bed for 2 and 1/2 weeks. I was vomiting every morning, basically nothing because I couldn't eat anything. Understand that it's not just the sub but also my life in coordination with them. The sub just seem to make me too weak (for now) both emotionally and physically to be able to deal with situations that arise here. I think the thing is for me Mat, if I lived by myself and I might be able to push through. But I don't have the luxury of time or aloneness and I just have too many people that depend on me, to be broken down to be rebuilt by the subs (right now). I have to be one of the strong people in my family. I do think I'll use them again when things calm down here and I also believe it can be a good thing to take a subconscious break. I've been listening consistently to one sub or another for about 2 years now. I had to go back on medication but I kinda think that might not be such a bad thing for when I do start to listen to the programs again. It might help to keep my anxiety at bay a little. I can handle a lot of what the subs brings but anxiety that strong that brings on nausea like that I just can't handle. I guess I have some deep seated issues that are possibly complex.

I completely understand. Sorry things are that rough. That's a tough situation to be in. Hopefully the medication helps out.

I have encountered one other person who had a feedback loop of fears. Her fear was of both success and failure, AND of being attractive and of being unattractive. I've been working with her using hypnosis, but we are not able to get together often enough that I am getting very far just yet. Her issue is weight, though, and we are making headway. I have spent 8 years trying to understand why she is so resistant, and through hypnosis I have learned more in 2 hours than I have in the previous 8 years. The time has come.

I'm planning to rebuild OGSF as a 5G/OE, and in fact today have been doing R&D on the next version of the OE toward that goal and others. The new implementation of the Optimus Engine incorporates a couple of things BAMM uses to fantastic effect, and so far my models consistently show that it has better results than V1. I'm not done optimizing the V2 implementation yet, but I may actually be able to build OGSF as a 5G today or tomorrow. I think that would be very helpful for you to use on your fears, Patti.

5G OGSF sounds promising. So this feedback loop of fears isn't that common? Fear of success and fear of failure seem similar, but it seems like fear of success is the more irrational of the two. [/quote]

[Shannon]

If I can build it, it should be promising. So far, however, I have hit a frustratingly familiar brick wall working on it, which is the same reason I was forced to stop work on the last five 5G programs I started working on: I cannot find a self optimizing script that will work. Apparently, the time is not yet here for me to be working on 5G stuff just yet. Guess I'll work on upgrading 3G to 4G stuff for a while.

I don't know how common fear based feedback loops are. Degrees of irrationality are irrelevant; once something is irrational, it is irrational. Fears are always irrational.

[mat422]

So not much is going on. Or maybe there is and I honestly can't see it. I find that with everything going on in my head it's hard to sort things out at times.

Lately I've been working on fixing my posture. I've always had bad posture and I'm not sure if that's due to my mental state over the years or me messing up things carrying around a really heavy backpack as a kid. Probably both. Anyway, I've made some progress and just seeing better posture helps me feel better.

And I've noticed where tension is held a lot and I've been focusing on releasing that. What I've noticed is I'll usually get tense when I'm trying to fight off depression. Now I've had my fair share of bad episodes and the last thing I want to do is allow that feeling, but honestly sometimes there is nothing I can do and I just have to ride it out. Fighting it just results in a worse feeling. So sometimes I have this dilemma in my head where I tell myself I shouldn't be having these feelings and I need to stop. I've stopped doing that now, I'm trying to feel less guilty about all this.

I think I'm slowly moving towards accepting these things as less of a fault on my part and more like something that happens to me and as long as I try to get better it's ok. I just need to focus on doing the best I can do, eventually I'll be able to do more, but for now beating myself up for not being that way does nothing.

Just getting rid of that notion that any negative feelings are "wrong" has helped me not repress those feelings as much. There's definitely a difference between having control of your emotions and thinking you have control. When I think I have control it's actually my logical side trying to override the more emotional side, which obviously doesn't work.

And a quick thought that popped into my head. Repressed anger. I've always felt I was never an angry person, someone had to piss me off a lot to get me to lose it. But maybe, just maybe all this depression is a result of endless frustration and anger. I don't know really. Too many variables. All I know is that accepting all emotions and not stuffing them away or trying to hide them has helped me feel better. Maybe it was my incredibly literal mind and perfectionist tendencies that caused me to take everything to the extreme with regards to having control of my emotions. I'm only human, sometimes I feel like I expect myself to be something other than that.

Another thing. I guess once I started being more honest with myself I could see where this stuff is coming from. I always felt that I hung onto my depression or that it was not possible to fix. Well I was dead wrong. It's not that my depression is resistant or that I want to be depressed. It's a fear of failure. I've tried so many times in the past to get better and I think the only thing worse than being depressed is trying to get better and feeling like you are failing at it. So with any self help method really, subliminals, hypnosis, EFT, etc. they never really worked as well as they should because I was afraid of failing. And if I didn't get better then I was a failure. It all comes back to me feeling like I have no reason to be depressed and being ashamed of struggling with it. It's a reflection of how I've been treated in my life. I make two steps forward and people start assuming that the depression wasn't a big deal, I fall back and suddenly I look like I'm not trying anymore. If I'm honest I'm scared, sad, angry all rolled into one and I just want it to be over, but it's like I still don't know how. Maybe this is why I prefer subliminals so much, I really can't engage in any conscious methods of self help, I just have way too much resistance. I think letting all this stuff out, no matter how negative sounding or seemingly pathetic will help me move past it.

[mat422]

Crap. I hate cathartic venting where I think I'm getting to the root of my problems, but maybe I'm not. Sometimes I can't tell what's what. Maybe it's not fear of failure. Maybe it is. I really don't know. I'm as confused as ever.

I do this a lot. Think I've got this brilliant breakthroughs and then coast on a high for a couple of days then realize it wasn't right. Back to the drawing board I guess. The one thing I did take out of this is to no longer be ashamed of how I feel and that's a good thing.

[SargeMaximus]

I do this a lot. Think I've got this brilliant breakthroughs and then coast on a high for a couple of days then realize it wasn't right.

Lol, this sounds very familiar. Try to forget about the subs and focus on what you want to do/accomplish in life.

[mat422]

I do this a lot. Think I've got this brilliant breakthroughs and then coast on a high for a couple of days then realize it wasn't right.

Lol, this sounds very familiar. Try to forget about the subs and focus on what you want to do/accomplish in life.

Yeah, too much analyzing always screws me up. Funny you should mention focusing what I want in life. I was thinking about that today. I'm still not sure. Part of it is the depression messes with my ability to enjoy things or find pleasure in them so sometimes my inner compass is off with regards to finding a path. But one thing I know for certain is I love making music. So at the very least I've got that in my life.

[SargeMaximus]

Yeah, too much analyzing always screws me up. Funny you should mention focusing what I want in life. I was thinking about that today. I'm still not sure. Part of it is the depression messes with my ability to enjoy things or find pleasure in them so sometimes my inner compass is off with regards to finding a path. But one thing I know for certain is I love making music. So at the very least I've got that in my life.

Oh yeah? Are you currently making music? What kind of music do you make?

Sounds to me like you've got your path already to be honest. Maybe you just don't think you'll get what you want out of life by pursuing it?

[mat422]

Yeah, too much analyzing always screws me up. Funny you should mention focusing what I want in life. I was thinking about that today. I'm still not sure. Part of it is the depression messes with my ability to enjoy things or find pleasure in them so sometimes my inner compass is off with regards to finding a path. But one thing I know for certain is I love making music. So at the very least I've got that in my life.

Oh yeah? Are you currently making music? What kind of music do you make?

Sounds to me like you've got your path already to be honest. Maybe you just don't think you'll get what you want out of life by pursuing it?

I'm trying my best to make time for it. I'm usually pretty burned out from working and the last thing I want to do is stress myself out by forcing myself to work on stuff. I'm into electronic music, so I'll make all different stuff, but usually I make drum and bass. And then sometimes I'll work on hip hop.

I'm just not sure where it could actually lead me though. You can't really make a living off of being an artist unless you are exceptionally talented and you know the right people. I just have to keep exploring possible options. Music is a really strong part of my life, if I don't get a chance to make music I feel like something is missing.

It's a bad feedback loop I've got though. I'll be depressed which makes it harder for me to enjoy things, so I can't do them, but because I can't do them I get more depressed. I'm trying though.

[SargeMaximus]

I'm just not sure where it could actually lead me though. You can't really make a living off of being an artist unless you are exceptionally talented and you know the right people. I just have to keep exploring possible options. Music is a really strong part of my life, if I don't get a chance to make music I feel like something is missing.

It's a bad feedback loop I've got though. I'll be depressed which makes it harder for me to enjoy things, so I can't do them, but because I can't do them I get more depressed. I'm trying though.

I used to think like you, then I realized I would rather be poor and fulfilled than rich and empty.

Also, you need to realize what is in your hands. Talent? Sure some are born with it, but you can always improve your skills.

Knowing the right people? All it takes are social skills, which can be learned and improved.

I myself am a long way from achieving what I want to in life, but I'm going for it because there's nothing else to live for. When you get to that place, you'll find your path. It may not be music, but you'll know it when you get real with yourself.

Have you seen Fight Club by any chance? Aside from being a great movie, there's one particular scene in it that really illustrates what I'm talking about. It's the scene Where Tyler Durden pulls a gun on an asian convenience store clerk and tells the guy he will kill him unless he goes back to school to finish becoming a veterinarian.

Watch the movie, and put yourself in that man's shoes. If you'd rather die than pursue your life's calling, then it probably isn't your life's calling. On the flip side, if you're willing to die while pursuing that same thing, it definitely is.