OGSF 5.9G

[ffaux]

Don’t know what to write here but I wanted to write an update. It feels like I’ve cleared a bunch of guilt, but I’m still not where I want to be with fear.

Oddly, today I feel regressed. I’m deliberately ignoring women, but I also want their attention. Usually it has been the opposite: I haven't been seeking their attention, but I have been receiving it. I think I have some fears around regressing that cause my to regress ironically.

I’m looking forward to running DMSI 3.5, but I fear seeing no results; another dead end.

[ffaux]

I always had a problem on AM6 (that I talked about multiple times) that my beliefs about myself were incongruent with external reality. I was thinking about my time on AM6 this morning and I realised that I was basically putting women around me in heat, but my self image would lead me to self-sabotage—women wanted to jump me, but my neediness and over-enthusiasm undid any attraction.

This is still true unfortunately. It’s clear that I am attractive, but I don’t feel attractive, and I don’t have the self confidence of someone attractive. 

I’ve also realised that AM6 has led to physical changes in my face over the course of the years. My girlfriend has observed multiple times to me that I’m very attractive, but that I wasn’t attractive when I was younger. The change roughly coincides with AM6. She calls me a late bloomer.

[GreekGod22]

How many times did you run AM6?

[ffaux]

4 times I think. I don’t remember anymore. And I ran stage 7 a few times too—once for 6 months.

[ffaux]

I think I’m finally making progress. Last night I was contemplating why I think I’m ugly. I may not be a 10, but I’m not ugly. It suddenly didn’t make sense. For now, I only rationalise my attractiveness consciously, and my subconscious belief hasn’t changed, but it’s still progress.

Through my life, I have had the false belief that I’m ugly. I was probably not ugly—people just picked on me in the competition for mates (and I was a little bit chubby). In circular logic, kids would tell me I was ugly through my whole childhood, I believed them, so I didn’t see the opportunities that I had, so I took that as evidence that it was true. Self reinforcing after the initial had been planted.

Perhaps my greatest challenge has been that I’ve been receiving mixed signals throughout my life. From the words and behaviours of women, I’ve had it both reinforced that I’m ugly, and encouraged that I’m attractive. It’s created a form of anxiety in me because I’m uncertain if I’ll be well received or rejected by any given woman. When I’ve accepted that I’m ugly, I’ve been given encouragement that I’m attractive, and when I’ve been encouraged that I’m attractive, I’ve had my nascent change in perception undermined by rejection or unkind treatment.  

Recently, I’ve been noticing more and more signs that women find me attractive, and for the first time in my life I don’t think I’m ugly when I look in the mirror. I think maybe I can see some attractiveness—just maybe. This conflicts with the belief that I’m ugly, and it is what brought the belief into question. And I’m lucky enough to have a girlfriend this time around so that the belief isn’t immediately crushed.

This self-belief as been a big blocker for my progress over the past 10 years of listening to Shannon’s subliminal programmes. I’m very surprised that they haven’t dealt with this already. @Shannon any thoughts or observations here?

Wish I knew how to shift my subconscious perception as well. I realised last night that a lot what has historically held back my progress with approaching women is the fear of approaching a woman who doesn’t want to be approached by me—the fear predominantly being supported by anxiety of not knowing how they perceive me, and therefore how they’ll receive me. This is probably why OGSF is acting on this belief, or maybe because of the trauma that I’ve described.

[Ampersnd]

Most people aren't even that ugly. A 4 or 5 in looks makes up for it via the intangible personality traits. Even Tony Soprano (Sopranos is a great series, by the way) was balding, fat, and often looked rough, but he has a) self-belief, b) leadership qualities, c) a charming personality he can turn on if needed, d) the ability to intimidate, and e) a general fearlessness, even in the face of authority or bad situations.
All of these things reflect in how he carries himself.

Of course, he had status, power, and money, but as a reflection of his inner conviction. This made him attractive to a lot of women in the show. One of the actresses, from another movie featuring the actor, James Gandalfini, said that he had sex appeal galore.

What's ugly is the self-limitation, wearing the look of panic on one's face, the micro-expressions from reacting to everything around you. All of which can get wiped away from a subliminal like OGSF. Keep it up!

[ffaux]

We’re going deeper. I’ve become aware of my general fearfulness in life. 

Ive been generally aware for a little while, but I’ve been reading Ampersnd’s journal and it has never been clearer than seeing the contrast between myself and his New Mexican acquaintance who lives life fearlessly.

[ffaux]

I’ve become aware of how some people behave like predators and other people behave like prey depending on how they respond to fear—fight, flight or freeze. I’ve become aware that I behave and respond like prey.

[Ampersnd]

We’re going deeper. I’ve become aware of my general fearfulness in life. 

Ive been generally aware for a little while, but I’ve been reading Ampersnd’s journal and it has never been clearer than seeing the contrast between myself and his New Mexican acquaintance who lives life fearlessly.

The guy you're thinking of is Caribbean. My friend from Mexico met him, then made the introduction. Had me scratching my head for a second.

[ffaux]

Realised that I’m afraid that I won’t find someone who loves me, and then I realised it’s because I’m afraid that I’ll be cheated on if my partner doesn’t love me. I don’t feel secure unless I feel loved, and I realised how needy this makes me for my partners love it it’s ever withdrawn.

[GreekGod22]

Realised that I’m afraid that I won’t find someone who loves me, and then I realised it’s because I’m afraid that I’ll be cheated on if my partner doesn’t love me. I don’t feel secure unless I feel loved, and I realised how needy this makes me for my partners love it it’s ever withdrawn.

I can relate a lot to that. Especially the part where you condition feeling secure with being loved.
We as men have it harder. As a man, you have to achieve happiness and stability from within first, nothing a woman does should devastate you emotionally. And that's exactly when you will have solid relationship. Making a woman your only source of validation, putting your happiness in her hands will only backfire and make her resent you.

[ffaux]

Been dealing with some deep trauma these past two mornings. I wake up at 4am feeling good then am suddenly filled with the feeling of grief I felt when I had my heart broken the first time.

I’m sure the depth of grief I experienced is not normal for a heartbreak. It feels like someone I love died. The grief feels physically painful. I don’t think other people feel this way when their heart is broken.

[ffaux]

There's a particular situation in my life where I am at an impasse. I have been very stressed about it because I feel a lot of time pressure, and it's a really big life decision, so I also feel a lot of pressure to make the right decision. This is an area where I have never previously felt like I have a choice, and where I never anticipated ever having a choice. It was a huge realisation for me yesterday that I have a choice in this area that I have never had or considered that I might have a choice. Previously I had been trying to balance my desires with other people's desires, but I realised that it's my decision and my choice, so I need to determine what _I_ want.

On another note, I miss AM6. I will be doing DMSI next, but I miss AM6, and I want to do WM.

[ffaux]

I’m still afflicted with approach anxiety. It’s probably the main thing that I want to be rid of. The thing that I have wanted to be rid of since I remember.

I’m afraid of standing out because I’m afraid of becoming a target and being attacked. I've been avoiding something as simple as standing tall with my chest out because I think I'll be targeted if I seem too confident.

I'm feeling very sad and depressed. I feel like I need change in my life.