USLM v3 - Big Fig Wasp

[Raz]

USLM [Day 2]

I cut my second LTU run short. I think it is a wonderful subliminal, which covers a lot of ground. But in the end it was too broad for me at this blurry point in time.

I read and re-read my 5.5G+ journals and a lot of others posted here, because I wasn't too sure what it is that catches my fancy to run. At first, I thought along the SE line, but it didn't strike a chord. Then, MLS, because it is great to feel and be mentally capable. Didn't resonate enough. Then I remembered. Before starting/buying the LTU 4/5 I had a sudden windfall of a lot of money. What was I running back then? Hazy memory without much detail and the fact that I did not keep a journal at the time made me scratch my head.

So I crawled back through my posts to find out. And sure enough, I posted about it. It was USLM v3. Then it clicked. Running USLM solo is a great idea. It got kind of buried after UMS appeared. But US and its younger incarnation USLM have always been great.

Then, I started reading again. There was something wobbling through my memory about USLM v4/4.1 not performing as good as the previous versions. So I looked through every related journal and found that this vaguely remembered sentiment was indeed mentioned several times. And sure enough USLM usage pretty much petered out after the introduction of USLM 4/4.1. At least in the form of availabe journals.

USLM v3 it is, I thought. And here I am.

One common theme I stumbled upon (but did not remember myself), was the occurence of above-average violent dreams. @cataleya and @Hatman mentioned this quite a bit. And sure enough, I had mega violent dreams during my first night of listening. I kind of enjoy that. It seems, next to all the symbolisms and meaning, like a great way to explore my own violence without harming anyone or anything. I have stifled any violent behavior many years ago, since I don't see the point in actually harming anyone. But simply suppressing this urge is not the healthiest thing to do either. Maybe practising a martial art is a better way to go about that. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, in my gut it feels like the right decision to walk a bit with USLM v3. And so, I really look forward to this run.

[Hatman]

Yes, I remember having a good number of those types of dreams back then. I am currently running UMS and those have subsided for the most part. May be because of the advancements in the FRM.

I came to associate the violent dreams with progress because whenever I do get them, I seem to make or be on the cusp of making significant progress with either self-development or toward my goals. I don't get scared by them and whenever these "nightmares" occur I instinctively react with a "really dude?" dismissive kind of attitude. That or I fight back sometimes instead of letting them overpower me. Showing love to whatever creatures attack you may also be a good way. I wrote about it in one of my journals after trying that. At the beginning I used to just wake myself up before anything bad happened.

If the subconscious equates change with death then these dreams may be a symbol of that. I would be careful with "exploring your own violence". Instead, I would be working to outgrow the urges you mentioned through personal development.

[Raz]

I really like your take on dreams. It was especially the embrace instead of fighting back that resonated with me. Years ago I read somewhere about that strategy to trigger a resolution and clear the deeper issues at hand. I want to try that as well along the way.

Exploring my violence inside dreams has kind of a double meaning for me. One, I see it as exploring my actions/reaction inside a sandboxed system. And two, the dream-environment is also a reflection of my self. So the violence that I am -- or see other be -- subjected to should reveal something about myself as well. Not limited to my conscious self of course. I explicitly see this as an opportunity to explore fear-rooted and reacitonary violence in me. My goal is not to use this particular dreamscape as a pressure valve. Just the opposite. I want to understand my dark emotional side in order to better integrate it into my aware self. This and some other nuances are why I mentioned martial arts as a way to learn about this side of ones self in real life. I am not sure to what degree my whole idea will bear fruit, if any, since its dreams we are talking about.

Another part of why I welcome the heavy dreamscape compared to newer versions of FRM that veil this kind of stuff (I am positive that you are right about that), is that I want to face it, however ugly this may get. Like you, I see it as a good indicator of progress.

Cheers.

[Raz]

Over writing that response I forgot to take the leaves out of my can of green tea. Now its mighty bitter 

[Hatman]

I wish you good luck with that. I'm interested to see how love and embrace affects your violent dreams. For me, it didn't work every single time. You have to commit and show them genuine love for it to work. The "genuine" is the tricky part. I remember trying to hug someone/thing that was trying to hurt me, to only get overwhelmed and wake up lol

But when it does work, the whole dream changes into something beautiful.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 3]

Something is happening. It's kind of difficult to put it into words. Regarding fear stuff it's like I get some bodily symptoms of fear but I am mentally completely separated from it. Which allows me to inspect and map this thing (or plural: those things). I am able to see certain root causes and networks of cascading secondary fear seedlings which are only possible because of those roots. For some secondary seedlings I got sudden flashs of solutions, which I see as valid answers/solutions after thinking about them. Now I just need to implement them. No negative thoughts attached.

I am also getting flashbacks to possibly the only woman I had a genuine love relationship with. Genuine meaning without any kind of holding back anything, being able to open up completely and staying that way for extended periods of time. She showed up the past two nights, in dreams and undirected daydreams, always escorted by a deep and enveloping feeling of love. This dates back 15 years ago, so it is pretty clear that it is not about the actual person today but the symbol and abstraction that is imprinted in my psyche.

As strange as it is, this is more movement on my personal emotional radar than I experienced in at least 10 months.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 4] (written again, thanks to cloudflare)

FU cloudflare!

I'll make this rewrite short:

Every night -> loops finished -> tensed up gut/abdominal muscles = fearful/anxious feeling -> rushing thoughts -> fear finding foothold in one of the thoughts -> blowing it out of proportion -> me, getting fed up with the portrayed thought situation -> reaction -> calming down/able to fall asleep again. Content: enforcing personal boundaries; several unconnected instances.

Realization: I enforce personal boundaries if I detect malice. Contrary, if I don't detect malice or when it concerns family/friends, I don't enforce. Situations described above seem to indicate progress to deal with the latter.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 5]

Seems like I am finally back to having a normal sleep rhythm. I can really sleep well with USLM. No problems falling asleep whatsoever.

Too bad that now another string of night shifts is about to begin.

[Raz]

Yesterday, I added DRS back into the mix. And I feel slightly euphoric and filled with a nice feeling that warms me from the inside.

Most interestingly, that makes exactly 7 days of not using DRS, which is the ASRB2 off-time I was supposed to take.

USLM [Day 5] || DRS [Day 18]

[RTBoss]

It'll be interesting to see if you feel like DRS (5.75G) overrides USLM 3, making it (USLM) ineffective or less-than-optimal in its effects. I'm hoping (as you are, I'm sure) that isn't the case.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 6] || DRS [Day 19]

Finally re-submitted my manuscript. One of my co-authors did a wonderful job of polishing and expanding on my revisions. It's a good feeling to work as a team and depend on each other.

Dreams and waking up with anxiety at the end of my daily USLM batch have somwhat subsided. Both are still present, but to a less (consciously) noticeable degree.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 8] || DRS [Day 21]

Luck/Synchronicity: Things are progressing exactly like I want them to at one front.

I am fed up with my streak of night shifts at the moment. I knew I would have to be working through the nights this week, too. But I thought this problem would be perfect for a little test. So the past days, while working at night, I calibrated myself to think and accept that this week there would be something happening that shifts my shifts into day-time. Friday night everything was normal. Saturday night: massive technical problems that stalled and choked production at every corner, creating massive delay in the production chain. I knew this would likely be enough to postpone my shifts the coming week, if production management did not intervene by changing the production plan. I grinned and thought to myself that it would be nice to start at 8 or 10 AM for once. Sunday night: everything worked normally again, but the delay was kept. So now it will propagate throughout this week. Just woke up, checked my e-mails, and now I am supposed to come in at 10 AM instead of 8 PM for this weeks shifts. 

I still am flooded with the feeling that the sub/sub-combo I am running is exactly the right thing to do at this point in time. And I am enjoying myself tremendously.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 9] || DRS [Day 22]

Grinning happily about being able to work during the day-time this week was premature. Just got word that I am back on night duty. I'm certainly not happy about that.

Seemingly every single time I write about something good that is about to happen, it won't happen. So I should go back to writing only about things that have already happened.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 12] || DRS [Day 25]

Not much to write about at the moment.

Maybe I should note that I am mentally more clear than during my previous UMS and latest LTU runs.

Another thing that I notice is an increased curiosity. I read more stuff and don't get bored in the middle. I look up more things and don't waver to incorporate what I find worthwhile into my daily life.

Socially things flow. But this is an ongoing constant for many months now, so I am not sure if I am simply imagining an uptick here.

Well, looks like something to write about after all.