EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

No matter how many times I run E3, I can't help but feel immensely angry, hurtm ashamed, and downright hateful both of my self and my friend. I dunno if this is part of the healing process or if this is something happening DESPITE E3's healing process. All's I know is I REALLY want to move past this. I am in immense pain. Keep yelling painful yells.

[StridingStrider]

Dude go for a walk. Your friend is no longer your friend.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I can't go for a walk. It's raining out. And even if I did, it wouldn't magically take away the anger and hurt that comes from someone you love wanting nothing to do with you and refusing to forgive you for your mistakes. I know my friend is no longer my friend. That's why I'm so hurt and upset. I'm just running loops of E3, hoping to make myself feel better or at least work through this.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I hope E3 can change this situation in the course of 180 days, or at least get me to a point where I'm functional enough to run MLS for a bit, while I work to save up for LTU5.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So my dad just kicked down the door to my room, got into a fight with my mom and is now deciding that after over 30 years of marriage to my mom, he wants to get a divorce and is going to leave our family, stop making payments to our house so it will get foreclosed on and his own flesh and blood will be (at least in his mind) forced to live out on the street... all because I decided not to use the Buy One Get One free coupon he gave me on an errand to go get my mom a Whopper from Burger King. Methinks he'll probably cool down and start being rational after he gets enough time to cool off, but this is just ridiculous. The entire reason I locked the door to my room and ignored him in the first place was because he was acting nasty and I didn't want to deal with it. Mom thinks he's acting mentally ill, but I think he's just being childish. Temper tantrums and histrionic dramatic behaviour are par for the course for him and always have been. He'll probably knock off the bullshit after a few days max. I just cannot fathom him seriously getting a divorce and leaving his family to live on the street OVER A BURGER KING WHOPPER. If he really does do that, he IS mentally ill.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 65:

I had to wake up really early to head with mom to the hospital. I'm going just to avoid dad. No healing pai s so far, so that's good. Mom has agreed to drop me off at BPL plasma donation clinic after work, so I can take advantage of their first 5 visits $50 each thing. I'll be relying on her to drive me to this clinic each time I go. After 5 visits, I should have $250, which I could use to buy MLS and UMS. I wanna buy UMS just in case dad actually goes through with his threats, at which point UMS becomes my ultimate priority. Although the payment orocess will be annoying. You can't just pay online directly with this card. You gotta go to like Walmart or something, buy something, and then get cash back. Then I'll have to take the cash and put it in my bank. Annoying. But I gotta do what I gotta do. After the first 3 visits I shoukd be able to afford UMS. Then after the next 2 I should be able to afford MLS.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Dad has suspended not just my phone, but mom's as well. If dad actually goes through with his threats and stops making house payments, I'm gonna have to limit my E3 usage to 90 days and then switch over to UMS out of financial necessity.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I don't think dad's going to go through with his threats, but it seems he's willing to self destruct his relationship with me, which makes me sad, especially considering that my relationship with my father is falling apart over a BURGER KING COUPON. It's about more than that though. It's gotta be. My brother says dad's growing resentful about shouldering the brunt of heavy manual labour as an old man with a torn shoulder. Thing is, I'm trying to get my life together. I don't have all day to do shit like slowly shipping away at concrete in the hot sun and barely making progress. There's so much I'm trying to do in a day to get my life together(and failing to get done) and I'm having a hard time being functional with all the shit I'm going through, which he doesn't understand or care about. Still, I'm willing to help out more with the work (Even though I was helping out before, just not enough I guess) but not while he's being a giant asshole to me. He's being petty, vindictive, confrontational and belligerent. What kills me is he feels he's the aggrieved one, because I won't apologize for not using a BOGO coupon he gave me. At this point, I associate apology with submission in the face of petty, bullying behaviour, so I refuse to do it. And for him, apologizing means admitting to being wrong, which he's unwilling to do, so our relationship is just self destructing over a fucking Burger King coupon and that's just sad.

[findingme]

You seem to be handling this pretty well despite his behaviour. He's venting and puking out his resentments for sure, and you're seeing it for what it is. That shows emotional growth.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

You seem to be handling this pretty well despite his behaviour.  He's venting and puking out his resentments for sure, and you're seeing it for what it is.  That shows emotional growth.

thank you, Findingme. You're right. There was a time some years ago that I would have gotten angry and resentful myself. I guess part of it is what I learned from the friendship breakup (not to hold grudges and refuse to forgive people, like my friend did with me) but also, I'm sure E3 played a big role as well. I'm grateful to Shannon for this product, I truly am.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 66:

No healing pains today. In fact, I have a strange calm lately. Perhaps Shannon's right and it's of benefit to take more time off. Until recently, my strategy has been to keep juicing up my E3 usage, so to speak. Still, the healing pains seem to come in waves, I'm not sure if it's a good idea or a bad idea to use E3 when the healing pains come around. Maybe just once and let it sit after? Not sure. Still, on the emotional side of things lately, I'm doing better so far. We'll see when/if another wave of healing pains comes and fucks up my day. Probably, but I shouldn't expect it or it will happen. At least I think that's how things work. I dunno. Anyway, today was fine. I think E3 is working on me The way I've been handling these issues with dad shows I've definitely changed for the better and I'm sure E3 has had something to do with it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 67:

I talked to my online mentor today, and we came to the agreement that I haven’t forgiven my friend for friend dumping me because I haven’t forgiven myself and my online mentor told me that the opposite of guilt is not forgiveness, but taking responsibility. That there’s something about my interactions with my friend that I’m not being honest about and am refusing to look at and am refusing to take responsibility for. Question is: if I’m hiding it from myself, how do I take responsibility for it?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Hey @“Shannon” is there some way E3 can help me with this problem? Or is this an issue outside of E3’s scope?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 68:

I was talking to my online mentor, and I asked about the current karmic cycle of guilt, projection, punishment and unforgiveness that I am stuck in, and part of his response was this:

"It is not set in stone, becoming aware of it, making better choices and taking responsibility is what can get you out.
Forgiveness is an important aspect of it, but often goes only step by step and usually requires taking responsibility...

Am I creating?

If so, I create what I experience, so then I am not a victim (in a higher sense!). Then there is no one to blame or judge.
Or I blame and judge, being a victim, but then I cannot be creating, I deny my power to create.
That would mean that it would be pretty hard to manifest or create or jump realities since I ultimately dont believe in it "

I am starting to get it, I think. We are BOTH responsible for what we've experienced, my friend and I. We are both equal creators after all, so when I blame her, I am not taking responsibility for my own creation. When I judge her I am not taking responsibility for my own creation. When she blames me, she is not taking responsibility for her own creation. When she judges me, she is not taking responsibility for her own creation.

AND WHEN I JUDGE MYSELF...

I am not holding her responsible for her side of creation. There are no victims and therefor nobody to judge or blame, only co-creators, co-creating. If there's something about my experience I don't like, I should take responsibility for what about me or my actions or choices creates that experience AND PROMPTLY CHANGE IT. Same goes for her. A lot of the "hurtful" poems she's written about me REEK of victimhood, and really, that victim talk doesn't suit her. And judging myself for it doesn't suit me. CHANGING it suits me better. And it suits her better as well. We have both denied our power to some extent. At least for me, it's time to TAKE MY POWER BACK, and that means taking responsibility. No more of this whining bullshit! If I don't like my experience, I will CHANGE IT so that I do.

I told my online mentor that if there's one thing he's done in particular that's been really helpful, it's linking letting go of guilt with taking responsibility.