whome's LTU5 journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Do your other teeth need to be crowned?

They seem to be surviving in their stunted state, so for now I'm not touching them.

I see. Man, it was such bulls**t what happened to your other two teeth. I wish they would at least crown em for you, considering they stunted them. At least they're holding up as they are. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this shit man.

[whome]

Thanks.

Right now I'm two days into a cold, because of course. Today's day one of the two days off. Still nothing to say from LTU.

[whome]

Day 91

Recovering from the cold; I still have a bit of a cough but otherwise feeling ok-ish physically.

I had a session with a healer today, and I spent the whole time in a space of existential anguish. I don't like the term "existential terror", the usual term, as "terror" implies being afraid of something. It's a deep existential grief, where I can feel each moment of my life slip away. It's immeasurably sad, and for some reason I was really in my body today and felt it deeply.

That seems to be a core wound of mine, as it's the earliest thing I can remember of myself. I've written a ton about it before, so there's no point in mentioning it here. I wish the LTU were doing something noticeable here. That's the only thing that really matters and the only thing that I really care about getting handled.

[whome]

Day 93

Two days ago the existential grief was at, say, a 15% intensity, where it didn't choke me up and I could handle being with it though it really hurt. I sat with it for the entire two hour session with my healer.

Yesterday the grief was at about a 10% level, and I was with my cuddler. Her healing training is looking on the voices in the head as "victimizers" and almost yelling back at them. She recommended treating it as a victimizer and as a lie, though it felt weird because the passage of time is a real thing, so I'm not sure how to treat it as a lie. Then yesterday I went to my acupuncturist, who did some needling to me that helped significantly.

It's still beneath everything, I can feel it. I'm not sure what's next. The acupuncturist talked about doing animal medicines, which I'm both open to and unsure about, as I tend to have very bad reactions to drugs. Perhaps I can do a smaller dose to see how my body responds.

[whome]

Day 96

Still here, still on the cycle.

Got the replacement for the sconce. Got the crown put in. Mouth is still not great but for now it's what I've got.

Still pondering the possibility of healing drugs. I really, really don't know, but the pain in my chest remains something that feels like it's always there and that nothing seems to be touching.

[whome]

Day 98

Day 2 on.

Dreamt last night of running away from a world-ending calamity. The usual.

This past week I've been getting super aware of how the existential grief is so deep in my core that it affects everything that I do and how I am. LTU doesn't seem to be making a difference. Nothing seems to be making a difference.

I was talking to my acupuncturist and he's done a lot of healing drugs. He feels that <redacting> is probably the right one for me, so he'll talk to his practitioner who does it, and then I will talk to him.

If I do that, I'm going to stop with LTU a few days before. I don't know if I'm going to ask for a refund, though I have 180 days to do so since I've done a three-month cycle of it. If the drug helps heal me, maybe LTU might have a chance if I try it afterwards? Shame it didn't work in my current state.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Damn. I was hoping LTU5 would help you with that.

[whome]

Damn. I was hoping LTU5 would help you with that.

I was hoping it would, too.

I suppose I'm one of those 3% or so for whom it's not powerful enough, but for whom it can't be tuned more powerfully without breaking it for other people. Oh well.

I'm going to continue with LTU until I schedule something else. I'm imagining that it wouldn't be a good idea to mix LTU and a mind-altering drug. @Shannon correct me if I'm wrong.

[Shannon]

Assumptions, assumptions. I can tune it more powerful by far. We don't yet know what the optimal tuning level is for people like you, or if that is too powerful for everyone else. The completed Magnus Engine has given us a lot of options to consider that we didn't have before. I haven't exactly had extensive time to do level testing just yet either.

Don't use any subs with mind altering drugs.

[whome]

Assumptions, assumptions. I can tune it more powerful by far.

This isn't me going and making assumptions. There was a post by you where you said that your subs were tuned to be the most helpful to the most people, and that for some people its current tuning wouldn't be enough. I don't have the reference or I would link it.

Edit: Found it!

I can tell you that it's going to be, in the not too distant future, a case where we have the vast majority achieving the goals and overcoming their previous hurdles, and a very small minority still fighting.  Those who keep fighting won't be fighting because I can't affect them, but because they would require a different level of tuning from the subs, and it's not cost effective to have one version for the 97% and one for the >=3%.  

Exactly when the subs will achieve that, I don't know.  I do know it will be sometime this year.  I know that we made a big breakthrough yesterday.  I know that Beast should be achieving design spec for the first time before the end of May.  I know that we should have our first 6G sub between October of 2019 and January 2020.  But when you personally achieve overcoming your resistance, that I can't say.

Fair, that is talking about the future. I thought you were talking in general about issues with tuning.

[Shannon]

No it's just a very new development I have not yet had a chance to do much with or even think about. But I see your point. No assumptions.

[whome]

Day 103

Checking in.

Haven't talked to the person re the healing drugs yet, so I'm still doing the sub. Still nothing to say.

I'm noticing that those mornings when I wake tired and emotionally shot, I can feel the existential grief behind it all. Being aware about how much it's behind everything is eating at me.

[whome]

So... if you are using LTU5 and you feel like 5 loops a day isn't enough, see what happens if you use it "as needed" for the mood stabilization, success, luck, motivation, etc.

Well, 5 loops a day clearly isn't enough. I wouldn't be using "as needed" for mood stabilization, luck, success, etc, as I don't see any of those from it. But perhaps increasing the amount I listen will mean it would start having an effect?

[Shannon]

Give it a shot.