Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

Got off work 30 minutes ago. Relaxing at home. Not inspired to go to my mom's. The root may be fear, but the emotional memories I'm carrying all point to shutting myself down emotionally. I'm thinking I'm afraid of giving up my soul to hopefully someday receive some love. Terrified of selling myself out.

I'm hanging on to LTU coming through in whatever way is needed. The auric shield, forgiveness...............

A big fear I've had is that I'm fearing I'll abandon me to serve her. The main thing, which is completely apparent to me, is that she wants to lean on pity, guilt, and shame to have her needs met. That disgusts me.

This is me walking into her house, but something's changed in me.

I'll leave soon. Most things I've imagined never happen. There's a brightness in my thoughts. I'll rest in this.

I downloaded LTU5 onto my phone last night. Will use it tonight.

Lastly, I'll just admit I'm scared. This change in me awakens some part of grief. I've left some things behind.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Keep having courage man. I'm sure you'll stick to your true self! It takes a lot of guts to even talk about these sorts of things, so I'm sure you'll have the courage to remain true to yourself. But there's no rush to do anything, so take your time

[Shannon]

Success in life comes to those who feel whatever fears and do it anyway.  Keep going.  You're doing great!

[findingme]

I've had numerous realizations while with my mom, and my focus really shifted after reading Mat's posting yesterday. I'd been on my phone, and I composed this whole litany of aggravations. What occurred to me today is:

I'm still playing the victim role.

I've actually enjoyed it, for it continually put the responsibility and blame on someone else. While being with my 78 year old mom, still playing the same role herself, I just knew noone had grown up in her family, always blaming, fighting, and drinking, all to keep the cycle in check. And in my familiy of origin, we all do it using different fronts and excuses. For "we have it so hard.....(sniffle, sniffle). Feel sorry for us so we can keep doing this".

Me bitching by writing was me saying "I deserve better treatment. I feel helpless to change it, I'm not sure how else to live, and I'm scared I'll be rejected if I admit this"

Growing beyond this is the present unknown in me. I'm unsure how it'll resolve itself, but I wonder how the polymorphic scripting will adapt to this in my life.

Or.....how I'll think differently and proactively to make necessary changes

[findingme]

I need to admit something to and for myself. This was a lot of what I wrote on my phone, and it had to deal with self-criticism.

Before I was faced with this realization yesterday, I'd been slowly seeing and feeling her criticizing herself. Stupid mistakes....no--ANY mistake, and she'd put herself down. She's done this for eons, but I'd never noticed it. Just a low key beating the s*** out of herself regularly.

And I became her target yesterday. This is when I put 2 and 2 together.

She made a list of things to get from the store, very specifically. Exact amount, exact prices, even telling me about IDing myself at the liquor store. Fear and anger grew in me. But I went. No problems in the first store. But the second store had issues, for I realized she'd quoted prices from an old flyer, and the sales had changed. When I'd called her in the store, I picked up her disappointment, her frustration that she was wrong. This was very stressful, and something clicked in my thinking.

I realized she had put her trust in me to give her exact products and prices, and me not succeeding IMO, meant she had reason to pummel herself again. I was her reason for her beating herself up now.

I can cry and play victim here. But I'm not. F*** that.

My mom is leading a very dissatisfying life, and she doesn't know how to do differently. I'm doing better now, but emotionally, I've felt the exact same.
I've thought the same way too.

Mat's posting yesterday made me look longterm in my life, mostly backward, and I realized tools and thinking choices are available to me right now. I was at my mom's, she had her TV on (for noise), but a movie was on which I watched maybe 15 minutes of. It was Keanu Reeves' "A Walk in the Clouds". During me watching it, I decided to not think like a little boy (victim mindset), but think on bigger things like honor, doing the right thing, and forgiving people for being human. Doing this makes me feel better about myself, so I hung onto it.

For I realized I've been very self critical. I become so dejected by my own messages in times past that I quit on even trying in some areas. Sad, but I don't want to stay in sadness. I can break free of this. I am breaking free of this.

Like Mat said, I've made my past my Now, and I've chosen it again and again. I can make different choices in my thinking and in my actions. I'm doing that right now. Thank you Mat.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Man, everybody's making such progress!
I'm feeling better lately, but tbh Mat's post didn't create some sort of profound realization in me. I read it 3 times trying to get it to sink in, but I don't know if it has. Like, I appreciate it on a cognitive level, but I'm not so sure it really hit home for me. Maybe if I use E2 for longer, I'll start to appreciate it better. Although I do notice the "Woe is me" attitude of my past posts...

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Anyway, I'm really happy for you and the progress you're making

[Infinite]

edited

[findingme]

EP, I connected to Mat's post for 3 reasons (and maybe more).

First he's like me, a smart guy who's underestimated his worth, and thus, has not seen himself as successful, despite the number of accomplishments attained.
Second, he is an INFP personality. I'm one too, so I understand his usual endeavors in life. We tend to have much bigger pictures in life, and so our goals tend to point towards them. But combined with underestimating ourselves, it can promote more self deprecation.
And the biggest thing I drew from his writing: he took responsibility for his continual mistakes and misjudgments in life. He's been with IML for a number of years now seeking freedom, he's jumped on all the major subs, but has continually felt unfulfilled. His taking responsibility for this saves him from a lifetime of thinking he's powerless over his life. I think he empowered himself just by sharing that. THAT was reason to celebrate!

Also, I could personally relate to his story. Blaming others or anything, time and time again, is nothing but me saying "hey everybody, I am powerless here. I should know better, but (he/she/it) is overpowering me. Wish I knew something better". His admission gave me hope for change. It was an honor he shared it with us.

[findingme]

No reason to think that it's your fault that your mother has issues that you can't solve. She can solve it, if she goes and gets help.

While thinking of my response, I realized I've thought it my responsibility for her to be free from her unhappiness. I'm seeing that she doesn't want to change though.

Maybe UD is working, as I'm doing loops now, and a feeling of grief surfaced while writing. I imagined me saying "it's her responsibility", but stifled the tears. Crying it out could be incredibly freeing.

But I'll just let it go tonight. This will come up again, for lessons only resurface until we actually learn them.

What might I need to learn here?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

EP, I connected to Mat's post for 3 reasons (and maybe more).

First he's like me, a smart guy who's underestimated his worth, and thus, has not seen himself as successful, despite the number of accomplishments attained.
Second, he is an INFP personality.  I'm one too, so I understand his usual endeavors in life.  We tend to have much bigger pictures in life, and so our goals tend to point towards them.  But combined with underestimating ourselves, it can promote more self deprecation.
And the biggest thing I drew from his writing: he took responsibility for his continual mistakes and misjudgments in life.  He's been with IML for a number of years now seeking freedom, he's jumped on all the major subs, but has continually felt unfulfilled.  His taking responsibility for this saves him from a lifetime of thinking he's powerless over his life.  I think he empowered himself just by sharing that.  THAT was reason to celebrate!

Also, I could personally relate to his story.  Blaming others or anything, time and time again, is nothing but me saying "hey everybody, I am powerless here.  I should know better, but (he/she/it) is overpowering me.  Wish I knew something better".  His admission gave me hope for change.  It was an honor he shared it with us.

I'm an INFP too  Looks like there's a lot of us on here. FOR SURE his latest accomplishment was cause for celebration, no doubt about it. I just feel like it didn't hit home for me as well as I'd have hoped is all. But I AM very happy for him, and for you! 

Although I DO feel empowered myself for different reasons lately. Shannon sharing his "becoming" technique was a VERY big deal. I was beating myself up and harping on my loss over my best friend for over a year. Every day. Now I feel like I can have anything I want in life, including my best friend back. And I realize it's all about where I put my focus and the beliefs I hold. So I'm not too hung up on it. I'm glad his big realization not only happened for him, but hit others and changed their perspectives as well!

[Shannon]

Have you considered exposing your mother to LTU5 too?

[findingme]

No, but only since I feel I'd have to sneak it in without her knowledge, which is usually unadvised. For myself, I'm seeing I'm still believing I'm powerless over her in many ways, and doing this would basically challenge my own beliefs. I had considered this with E2--mostly since these deeper beliefs of mine weren't dug up. E2 is much gentler.

I'd downloaded E1 onto her cell phone when I was on E2, showed her how to use it, yet I did not do anything or say anything after this. I remember thinking and feeling an old thought which discouraged me: "I'm going to change Mom". Considering I felt like I failed so many times before, that was why I didn't follow up.

I'd checked out small boomboxes to play it on. I never purchased one, and this would be required mostly for "set it and forget it" setup.

Thankfully, I'd remembered some sober instructions I'd heard many times in AlAnon, the group for families of alcoholics. The basic premise is to detach from being responsible for her choices. Following this has given me much more peace than anything else. I needed to be comfortable in my own skin, and me intervening was a hidden controlling maneuver. This controlling mentality is......what makes the relatives of alcoholics the sicker ones. It's why they (and I) can be so desperate.

[Infinite]

edited