whome's LTU5 journal

[whome]

Day 37

I woke tired. It's an early morning for me, and it's still tough to make myself go to bed on time. Emotionally, I'm doing OK. The balance point feels higher than it was last week.

[Greenduck]

Day 34

The last day before the break. Got all the loops in ultrasonically overnight before the popping started in the wall.

My energy healer wants to see if we can work on the pain and terror without the ketamine. We'll see how well it works.

I'm still all over the place emotionally, though still it's easy to hit low and it takes effort to hit high.

I'm on a break for two days. I'll continue posting.

I also use to get popping in different objects in my room sometimes while listening. I guess it's energy from you being released or something like that.

Have you though about trying MDMA as a healing aid?

I have had periods where I felt so bad for months and months that I had to really fight every day as a war, so I know how it feels when you are just dreading with life. One thing that have helped me even in the toughest days was root chakra meditation (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTqktSAmG30) and trauma releasing exercises and warm baths!

[whome]

I also use to get popping in different objects in my room sometimes while listening. I guess it's energy from you being released or something like that.

This is a popping in the wall from the radiator (I live in an apartment). It's been happening for years, and keeps me awake.

Have you though about trying MDMA as a healing aid?

I have done tons of drugs for healing. MDMA, mushrooms, ayahuasca, ketamine. All bring up existential terror. Meditation tends to do that too; basically anything that gets me into my body is unpleasant.

Right now I'm doing my best to grind through it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Sounds like you've got deeply buried trauma. Trauma which caused you to disconnect from your body. I understand if that's the case, cause I got that problem too.

[whome]

Sounds like you've got deeply buried trauma. Trauma which caused you to disconnect from your body. I understand if that's the case, cause I got that problem too.

Totally.

I wrote about it earlier. For me, I'm pretty sure it derives from before-six-months trauma, as per the book I link to. Maybe you too?

[whome]

Day 38

Slept not so well, was tired when I woke.

My emotions have been more solid over the past few days. It's hard to tell if that's because the emotional fluidity is less, or if the fluidity is the same but the emotions are just trending better.

My healer dealing with sexual energy is back in town for the week, and then again for the month of May. We'll see how that work unfolds.

[Greenduck]

I also use to get popping in different objects in my room sometimes while listening. I guess it's energy from you being released or something like that.

This is a popping in the wall from the radiator (I live in an apartment). It's been happening for years, and keeps me awake.

Have you though about trying MDMA as a healing aid?

I have done tons of drugs for healing. MDMA, mushrooms, ayahuasca, ketamine. All bring up existential terror. Meditation tends to do that too; basically anything that gets me into my body is unpleasant.

Right now I'm doing my best to grind through it.

Alright. Look into trauma releasing exercises . It let you connect with your body in a safe way. There may be a center which teaches it in your area if you Google or you can look it up on YouTube .

I know how it feels. During my worst times I was extremely ungrounded and totally lost touch with my body and I know what kind of disturbance that can cause to your well-being. My recommendation is perseverance and meditation every day, preferably root Chakra meditation as I linked to as its your connection point with the body. TRE exercises alsp help with that. You will learn to breathe more into your body and from there heal yourself.

[whome]

Day 39

Another day of waking up exhausted.

What's different is that my body is buzzing. What's different today is that it's the first of the two-day rotation at work to make sure that our continuous build system stays green. The anxiety of doing my work is gone as my job for these days is to make our building system happy and revert anything that turns it red.

[whome]

Day 40

OK, the buzzing thing is still going on. It's a light buzzing as if I were taking some drugs; maybe this is some kind of energy release? I know that DMSI has a programmed buzz in it to let you know it's working but I didn't think LTU does.

In any case, I'm still not sleeping well and am waking exhausted.

[whome]

Day 41

First day off. I was hoping for the buzz to remain, but it's starting to fade. I had a session with a coach, and exhaustion and a headache hit me hard out of the blue. It did seem like something was deliberately attacking me.

On one hand, I was super tempted to plow through the break, but I didn't want to not follow the directions. I'm still pondering it, but I'll still probably take the second day of the break and pick it up on Monday.

[whome]

Day 42

My body is still buzzing, which I'm happy about. I still dunno if it's a "good" buzz or not, but it's a change.

I can't remember the details of my dreams last night, but I remember that I was a spy, retrieving secret messages written on screws in lockers. It felt empowering in ways that I haven't remembered a dream feeling in a very long time.

Today was the second day off; tomorrow I'm back on. Will be traveling for work for the next few days, and so I'll do my best to keep posting here. I don't see the travel as interfering with the sub.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Sounds like you've got deeply buried trauma. Trauma which caused you to disconnect from your body. I understand if that's the case, cause I got that problem too.

Totally.

I wrote about it earlier. For me, I'm pretty sure it derives from before-six-months trauma, as per the book I link to. Maybe you too?

That's funny you should say that. My mentor is fairly convinced my issues stem from pre-natal trauma. His theory is that I underwent something threatening while in the womb, and then decided I wasn't safe in this body or in this physical incarnation (if you believe in that sort of thing) He bases it off of experience dealing with his own issues he's been healing from. During Ayahuasca journeys, he's uncovered repressed memories of an abortion attempt when he was in the womb and molestation by his father as an infant. 

I was starting to second guess his theory, but hearing you theorize your issues based off of what you read in that book is starting to lend some credence to the idea.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

If I go on this sub, do you think I'll have the same resistance issues to it as you?

[whome]

If I go on this sub, do you think I'll have the same resistance issues to it as you?

I haven't any idea and am not enough of an expert to say.

When I ran DMSI, I woke up physically exhausted and emotionally crushed. With LTU I'm waking up exhausted, but not emotionally crushed in the same way. I'm not seeing any progress yet (though the buzzing over the past few days looks interesting).

But my sleep issues have been happening for years, and the emotional crushedness was something that I'd felt before (although both were not at the same frequency or intensity of occurrence as they were with DMSI). Those were the tools that my subconscious had and was used to using. So in my response you to, 1) I don't know what your existing ways of suffering are, and 2) I don't know if your subconscious will revolt like mine did of if it will accept the sub.

I'm happy to share my experience, but I don't know how to map it to yours.