DMSI journal

[whome]

Day... 12?

I stopped listening to DMSI on Friday in preparation for 3.3. The 35 days ends on November 16.

Last night I slept and was able to keep sleeping and wake without too much pain, definitely better than before. Whatever DMSI 3.2 was doing, I hope 3.3 is better.

[whome]

Day... whatever

So the target for DMSI 3.3 is the 20th. Fingers crossed. That's past the 35 day cool-off from 3.2, so I'm ready for it.

On the other hand, I'm seeing the discussion about LTU 5.5G with all the healing stuff that I could possibly want.

This feels very much like a "what I want" vs "what I should want" situation. I can feel how anxiety and fear run my life and prevent my social interactions, and I want to have sex, so yay DMSI. On the other hand, I can totally see from a rational point where a rebuilt LTU with the FRM could really unwind my anxiety and fear and be better for me in the long run and therefore is what I should run.

Grr....

I suppose DMSI will be done first and I'll run that when it comes out. But when LTU comes out, that'll be a hell of a choice to make.

[whome]

Continuing with USLM3 at https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-Men-s...M3-journal- .

[Shannon]

What I do is play it on my phone speaker. I just keep my phone with me.

If you don't mind clarifying, which version are you playing on your phone? Audible/silent/hybrid?

I use ultrasonic exclusively, with the exception of sometimes using hybrid for MIR on bad infections.

If you need to sleep with earplugs, then use it during the day. With or without headphones, according to what you are doing, where you are and your preferences.

Which is better? To have the sub play in a continuous loop so that it's always in my ears but not necessarily getting complete loops? Or to block out time by the loop, so that I always listen to complete loops?
[/quote]

I'm not sure I follow what you're saying here. Always get your loops in each day. It is best to always get them back to back and not breaking the ASRB. If you can't do that, then do the best you can to have the fewest interruptions possible.

[whome]

Day 2

So I'm back on DMSI, coming back directly from USLM3. I admit that I didn't follow the rules here, although I will be following the ASRB directions as well as I can.

Haven't yet headed out for the day, so no interactions with others yet. I wanted to call out that I was super restless overnight. The past few months I've slept fairly deeply and poorly, while last night I was constantly restless and woke feeling fairly ok.

[whome]

Day 3

The unsettled sleep continues. I come from a large family with lots of siblings, and last night I dreamt about living somewhere with the family and having to pack up and move. This isn't new to DMSI; I've had this dream many, many times before.

Nothing else to talk about. I'm hoping that the unsettled sleep starts to fade and that I can get some real rest.

[whome]

Day 4

Continuing to sleep roughly.

I have weekly sessions with a cuddler as part of my work to soothe my body and teach it that physical contact is good. She notes that starting about a month ago she started feeling more confidence from me. That's odd to place on the timeline. She said it was before Thanksgiving, which means before USLM3, but that would place it near the very end of the break after DMSI 3.2. Odd.

Thought I'd share.

[whome]

Day 5

The rough sleep has subsided, and I'm back to a super deep sleep waking exhausted and full of pain, like what was happening on DMSI 3.2. It's also the last "on" day of the cycle, so I'll be taking the weekend off and resuming on Monday.

[Shannon]

Waking exhausted and full of pain... that is interesting... please describe the pain and where you feel it.

[whome]

For me, my depression (if you want to use that word) manifests as heaviness and pain in my chest, centered on my heart but taking up the entire ribcage. When I'm really in a bad space it can get up to 7/10 but this morning it was 3ish/10. It's both physical and emotional pain at the same time, and if I had to label it with words, it would be "self hatred" or "worthlessness". On better days, I feel great and light, but sometimes when my body or mind decides that it wants to be in pain, these symptoms of my depression show up. I can fight it with conscious effort, and so what happens is that during sleep my conscious mind is off-duty and I wake with the pain in my chest. During the day I get calmer and the pain recedes. At night I go to sleep, and again I wake up with the pain. Repeat.

That pain-in-my-chest feeling was flaring up intensely around Thanksgiving and that's when I started using USLM3. The intention was to try to target the FRM at the pain by being clever, and it kinda helped for two cycles, but after a while the pain just was coming back despite the USLM. Then you released DMSI3.3, and the product description page had:

Goal #2: To support goal #1, we have to develop, enhance and improve your self esteem, self respect, sense of self worth, self liking, self love, self validation, self support, self confidence, self image, feelings of deservingness and overcome fear and so forth.

That's why I jumped into DMSI, because it seemed like a better bet. The FRM is there to remove fear in the way of achieving the goals, and if a goal of DMSI is to build self-worth and self-love, then it seemed a more reliable approach than trying to aim the FRM in USLM by tricky goal selection.

That is quite a bit of a wall of text. I'll pause here; if you have any questions I'm happy to answer them. I have my theories about where this pain-in-my-chest came from as well.

[whome]

To be clear, the pain in my chest is nothing that is caused by any sub. I've had it for my entire life for as long as I can remember. While I talk about it appearing and disappearing during the use of a sub, I'm never attributing it to the sub. This isn't a weird side effect that you have to figure out.

[Shannon]

To be clear, the pain in my chest is nothing that is caused by any sub. I've had it for my entire life for as long as I can remember. While I talk about it appearing and disappearing during the use of a sub, I'm never attributing it to the sub. This isn't a weird side effect that you have to figure out.

I thought you were experiencing muscular pain as a result of microtraumas to the musculature resulting from hyerptension while you slept, possibly caused by the FRM.

So what you're experiencing is different and stems from a pre-existing situation.

Do you think the intensity being at a 3/10 has anything to do with the program you're running making progress in some way towards getting you past the causes?

[whome]

Do you think the intensity being at a 3/10 has anything to do with the program you're running making progress in some way towards getting you past the causes?

Maybe? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

One of the things that I noticed on DMSI 3.2 (scroll back in this thread) is that listening to it brought up the pain and grief. Even though it was the A side, whatever it was touching on in terms of sexuality was triggering me past the ability of the H&C to handle. It says something about the FRM that it's been four days of the sexuality stuff and I've been feeling OK, and it's only after the fifth day that the pain is starting to come through.

The days with 7/10 are really, really bad days; those sometimes happen, but my normal "bad day" is a 3/10. I don't want to say that the sub is making or not making progress yet. I ran E2 for months back in January with no sign of change before giving up; given that I see something going on with DMSI I'm willing to run it for a while and see how it turns out.

[whome]

Day 6

Today's an off day. I woke with grief, like yesterday, and used calming techniques to soothe it as best I could. That's still happening.

Meanwhile...

I had an odd experience yesterday, and I don't know if it's DMSI or not. I was at the movie theater for the new Spider-Man movie (it's awesome; see it) and the trailer for Shazam was on. There's assigned seating, and a larger dude was settling in two seats down. The guy said, to me, "You know, in the comics it's an older guy who's the mentor." I said, "What?" and he repeated himself. I said, "Oh, OK," a bit confused, and the guy settled in and didn't say anything more. The lights were down and I've never had anyone talk to me in that way in a movie theater. Weird.

The other thing that I realized (TMI warning!) is that for months now my gut has been not been very well-regulated. My sense of having to go number 2 is of the super-sudden "you need to go now" type, and then it comes out loose. For the past week it's been a lot better. No more urgent moments and it comes out quite a bit more solid.

Are either of those DMSI? Either way I'm definitely a +1 to the poop; the previous situation hasn't been great. And I think I'm +1 to random people too. I feel this disconnection to humanity as a whole, so this might be a sign of something new there.