PTPA || apt-get progress

[DavisMind91]

Sorry about the mess up btw, just read my response under the part that says quote.

[Raz]

A soldier named Nobushige came to Hakuin, and asked: "Is there really a paradise and a hell?"

"Who are you?" inquired Hakuin.

"I am a samurai," the warrior replied.

"You, a soldier!" exclaimed Hakuin. "What kind of ruler would have you as his guard? Your face looks like that of a beggar."

Nobushige became so angry that he began to draw his sword, but Hakuin continued: "So you have a sword! Your weapon is probably much too dull to cut off my head."

As Nobushige drew his sword Hakuin remarked: "Here open the gates of hell!"

At these words the samurai, perceiving the master's discipline, sheathed his sword and bowed.

"Here open the gates of paradise," said Hakuin.

[Raz]

A lot of creativity flows through me these past days. Also, my curiosity leads me to seek out new things. There is a sense of renewal.

And I am thinking quite a bit about the concept of body-confidence. My mental and intellectual confidence is good, always was in part but got even better and broader through the use of subs. But body-confidence? I also like to think about it as body-zen. The deep and boundless trust in your body that permeates everything. Like a deep bass vibration or Jazz translated into body sensation. I am exploring that concept now step by step.

[Raz]

The effects of this sub - of positive thinking, of being in a state of permanent positive attitude - they become increasingly noticeable.

Through them (or because of them?) I see people from a perspectice where they play out their lives, reflecting back at me doing the same. Each of us is on a trajectory. Not in a sense that there is a goal each of us will arrive at. But more in a sense that our paths are influenced by our near and far environments, by what our parents believed in and to what a great degree this shaped us, what we absorb every single moment of our life. That we are shaped and shape ourselves every day of our endless(-ly short) lives.

We meet at these specific coordinates in space-time, the exact moment that our personal trajectories overlap. And maybe occasionally intertwine. Or not. Or closely entangle. Outward emotions don't reach me and reach me completely. And I can imagine at least - to understate what my imagination can do - ten long and short-term scenarios that would lead to being in a specific state of mind (be it angry, be it nervous, be it euphorically or even histerically happy). Whatever. As a result I am becoming immune to foreign emotional contamination.

This alone Is worth more than money can buy. Addtionally there are all those positive thoughts swirling around. They are everywhere. I kind of am becoming enchanted by them.

[Raz]

I just realized that it is becoming my second nature to whistle a tune whatever I do. Or sing/playback songs in my head. And I am dancing to music in my flat just because my body wants to move to the sounds.

[Omni3]

I just realized that it is becoming my second nature to whistle a tune whatever I do. Or sing/playback songs in my head. And I am dancing to music in my flat just because my body wants to move to the sounds.

You just reminded me I used to play pool at college as a teenager and became very good. One of my secrets was to internally sing a favourite song in my mind. This allowed me to feel good and kick ass at pool.

Thanks for the reminder

[LionKing]

Glad that you seem to getting positive effects! Also kinda interesting how it works when we're trying to change the direction of (conscious) thinking by programming the unconscious. (Who is the one in control, then?) Are you perhaps noticing any more free energy (you mentioned curiosity), less self doubt, rumination about which sub to use, difficult work feeling lighter?

[Raz]

Glad that you seem to getting positive effects! Also kinda interesting how it works when we're trying to change the direction of (conscious) thinking by programming the unconscious. (Who is the one in control, then?) Are you perhaps noticing any more free energy (you mentioned curiosity), less self doubt, rumination about which sub to use, difficult work feeling lighter?

Yes, the changes of conscious thinking through the subconscious are really something. At one point I realized that the subconscious is like a picture filter that colors your conscious experience.

It feels less like additional available energy. Instead I am not thwarting the flow of things. Like not consciously stepping on the brakes that often. I begin to realize that difficult or boring tasks do not exist per se. It is the mind chatter that tinge them that way. And since I have less of the bad-mouthing dialog that creates focus on how unpleasant or ardous a task seems, I don't perceive it that way. Not in one hundred percent of the cases, but it is increasing.

My running around in circles to find the 'perfect' sub is indeed decreasing. But that may not exclusively be rooted in PTPA on its own, but a number of other things that I am doing as well. I am still experimenting with some stuff, that I might write about once they stand the test of time. But I can credit PTPA to play a significant role in getting me to be consistent with myself.

[Raz]

So the last days have been a time of reflection.

I am positive when I have listened to PTPA but it has not reached deep yet. When I am honest with myself I see that I am still avoiding to engage real life. I may have cut back on distractions, I may get along superbly with people, especially at my part-time job. But I still am not able to overcome the invisible but everpresent hurdle to get done what really needs to be done. It's like a threshold I am not able to pass. It has nothing to do with ability, but is more like a mental block. It has all to do with the inner fire and focused curiosity, which I cannot feel anymore.

I have been contemplating to shift the blame onto subs. Four years of consecutive listening almost to the day and I am at the same place and much less inclined to walk the last few steps before I can finally move on and start something new. But this would be just another excuse. Actually it is me and my fear of success, the lack of a vision of what I want to do, once I have completed my PhD, and a fear of not being good enough to get that title in the first place. No hard emotions, I see that stuff clearly. And have been starring it in the eye for a long time. Still, I am frozen stiff.

But it is time. My window of opportunity is slowly but surely closing. I need to find a way to get past my own restrictions, my own self-imposed limitations. Otherwise my life will slide by and be wasted.

[Raz]

The salespage of PTPA states that it can be used for short-term instant effects. I use the sub every day but I still feel a HUGE shift within after 30 minutes. And those effects get stronger.

So if you need a short happy/positive burst because you're emotionally in the gutter, try PTPA

[Raz]

In the last few days voices in my head grew louder that said I don't get anywhere with PTPA. I should instead use something else. The voices present a few potential candidates but none of them make really sense.

Every morning the same. Until I run my PTPA dose for the day. WIthin minutes those voices go silent. Funny stuff.

[Raz]

Things begin to feel like the onset of a major depression. I sleep and sleep and don't want to leave my bed. But actually I don't sleep more than usual. I don't get anything done. Feel like hiding. It's a strange thing. Just a week ago I was brimming with ideas and life.

This too shall pass.

[Raz]

This - whatever this is - seems to morph into a state just below the threshold of a full blown anxiety attack. I can snap myself out of it by using analytical thought. But as soon as I stop and just am, I slide back into this panicky mode.

What a weird experience.

[Raz]

What a day.

First anxiety that felt more like tripping. And then everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. Time to move away from that particular strain of reality.