PTPA || apt-get progress

[Raz]

Normally I need at least 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night. Using subs, especially 5.5Gs, it shifted towards 10+ hours. And yet, suddenly I am easily able to pull allnighters, sleep 6 or 7 hours, and be up in running again.

I am not sure what is causing it, PTPA or my continued use of SIA every evening before sleep for the past three(?) weeks.

[LionKing]

Could be some PTPA, because I've been using SIA sice it came out for one loop when going to bed (followed by dimsee), and I feel exhausted to the core much of the time with 8 hours.

[Raz]

Maybe it really is PTPA. Or it is the seasonal change, lots of sun and warmth outside.

Another thing that really stands out is how I eat A LOT less than usual. Food consumption for the past days has been almost zero. I have to actively think about eating in order to eat. If I don't remind me of eating I simply forget it.

[Raz]

My need for sleep is back to 9/10+ hours a night and need for food has returned to normal. Seems the lowering of both was a blip.

Something strange is happening in dreamland though. My dreams have a feel and quality that is unlike usual subliminal induced ones. Partly there is the usual struggle, but there are other elements that make them different. Exhaustion, infection, and sickness are one bundle theme that is new. But there is a lot more (positive and neutral stuff) that I cannot really put into words. Now I even experience smell in them, albeit only in certain situations.

The waking state is pretty normal. Normal good mood with stong flavor of motivational standstill.

[Raz]

So it's been a week since I restarted PTPA.

Every trace of the blip-hyperenergized-whatever-thing is gone. Instead, I am mentally a cucumber, spaced-out and unable to recall even basic stuff. After being awake for only 12 hours I am a total wreck; feels as if there is only a thin line between this state and simply passing out.

This day started on a negative emotional toe, continued with absentmindedness and peaked while lashing out at someone fckin lazy at work.

Lately using subliminals seems like torture and self-destruction. No matter what I try to run, I soon run into a wall of resistance that seems insurmountable.

Here's to weathering the storm.

[Raz]

Lions in the street and roaming
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming
A beast caged in the heart of a city
The body of his mother
Rotting in the summer ground
He fled the town

He went down South and crossed the border
Left chaos and disorder
Back there over his shoulder

One morning he awoke in a green hotel
With a strange creature groaning beside him
Sweat oozed from its shining skin
Is everybody in?
Is everybody in?
Is everybody in?
The ceremony is about to begin

Wake up!
You can't remember where it was
Had this dream stopped?

The snake was pale gold
Glazed and shrunken
We were afraid to touch it
The sheets were hot dead prisons
And she was beside me
Old, she's no, young
Her dark white hair
The white soft skin

Now, run to the mirror in the bathroom
Look!
Shes coming in here
I can't live thru each slow century of her moving
I let my cheek slide down
The cool smooth tile
Feel the good cold stinging blood
The smooth hissing snakes of rain

Once I had, a little game
I liked to crawl, back in my brain
I think you know, the game I mean
I mean the game, called 'go insane'

You should try, this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
Forget the world, forget the people
And we'll erect, a different steeple

This little game, is fun to do
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right there, I'm going too
Release control, we're breaking thru

Way back deep into the brain
Back where there's never any pain
And the rain falls gently on the town
And over the heads of all of us
And in the labyrinth of streams
Beneath, the quiet unearthly presence of
Gentle hill dwellers, in the gentle hills around
Reptiles abounding
Fossils, caves, cool air heights

Each house repeats a mold
Windows rolled
Beast car locked in against morning
All now sleeping
Rugs silent, mirrors vacant
Dust Lying under the beds of lawful couples
Wound in sheets
And daughters, smug
With semen eyes in their nipples

Wait
There's been a slaughter here

(Don't stop to speak or look around
Your gloves and fan are on the ground
We're getting out of town
We're going on the run
And you're the one I want to come)

Not to touch the earth
Not to see the sun
Nothing left to do, but
Run, run, run
Let's run
Lets run

House upon the hill
Moon is lying still
Shadows of the trees
Witnessing the wild breeze
C'mon baby run with me
Let's run

Run with me
Run with me
Run with me
Let's run

The mansion is warm, at the top of the hill
Rich are the rooms and the comforts there
Red are the arms of luxuriant chairs
And you won't know a thing till you get inside

Dead president's corpse in the driver's car
The engine runs on glue and tar
C'mon along, we're not going very far
To the East to meet the Czar

Run with me
Run with me
Run with me
Let's run

Some outlaws lived by the side of the lake
The minister's daughter's in love with the snake
Who lives in a well by the side of the road
Wake up, girl! We're almost home

We should see the gates by mornin'
We should be inside by evening

Sun sun sun
Burn burn burn
MOON, MOON, MOON
I will get you
Soon
Soon
Soon

I am the lizard king
I can do anything

We came down
The rivers and highways
We came down from
Forests and falls

We came down from
Carson and Springfield
We came down from
Phoenix enthralled
And I can tell you
The names of the Kingdom
I can tell you
The things that you know
Listening for a fistful of silence
Climbing valleys into the shade

For seven years, I dwelt
In the loose palace of exile
Playing strange games with the girls of the island
Now, i have come again
To the land of the fair, and the strong, and the wise
Brothers and sisters of the pale forest
Children of night
Who among you will run with the hunt?
Now night arrives with her purple legion
Retire now to your tents and to your dreams
Tomorrow we enter the town of my birth
I want to be ready'

[Raz]

The worst part of the day is waking up.

This is when my dreams are still fresh in my active memory. These days they reflect strange stuff going on inside me. I am unable to make heads or tails of it. It's nothing particularly frightening, just weird long-winded events that morph from one scene and place into into another. Lot's of different people from my past are there and we talk or otherwise interact socially/intimately. Recently I experienced a clear sensation of smell in the dreams. Then in another night the 'normal reality language' was English (remember: I am neither a native english speaker, nor do I live in an English-speaking country). Anyway, upon waking up I have a feeling of loss. A small hole or uneasiness in my gut.

This bleeds over into my emotional state and the way I experience my day. Every interaction, interpretation, and activity.

The weird dreams are only one half of the coin though. The other is that I am frequently waking up these nights with racing thoughts shooting through my mind and a need to move around my body without finding a relaxing position to rest. My legs are tingling. It's as if my mind and body are brimming with activity.

And so I lie in bed for hours half asleep and like a live wire. This inability to find rest and reload at night also bleeds over into my day, shaping how I react and am able to focus. It also dampens my creativity and my ability to enjoy simple things.

I feel as if I am being overloaded and don't want to know anything more than I already know about what is going on around me.

And now for the best part. All this together seems to create some kind of antipathy towards going to sleep. Now that is an unexpected twist. I don't want to be awake but I also don't want to go to sleep. It's like the gnomes have learned a new way so say 'hoooooray!'

I wonder what will happen next

[Raz]

I am looking for my assertiveness. I look behind the sofa, I look under the bed, I look into the fridge. I cannot find it.

[Raz]

I have no clue what PTPA does. I am tempted to say that I don't see it doing anything at all. But that might be premature.

Banzai to semi-invisible subtleties in cartesian 4D-space.

[Raz]

Socializing is on another level today. It's just flowing, smooth as water. I still have some blind spots that could use a little practice such as flirting, but I never thought about social game before, even less about improving special areas simply because it seems like a fun thing to do.

Is this what life is like on the positive attitude planet? If so, I will enjoy exploring it in minute detail.

[Raz]

I think I see a trend emerging with PTPA.

Socializing is becoming very easy. People are drawn to me and engage me. I do the same. All in all positive vibes.

On the other hand my assertiveness is declining. I am too accepting and smily. No drive to do something for myself. But I do stuff for everyone else. While this seems to be a good thing, I don't like it. I don't like expending my precious energy for others, because nobody returns the favor. They all absorb my gifts, my time, my expertise. Once I am empty I have to find ways to recharge myself. I don't like that energy mostly flows into one direction, away from me.

[DavisMind91]

I think I see a trend emerging with PTPA.

Socializing is becoming very easy. People are drawn to me and engage me. I do the same. All in all positive vibes.

On the other hand my assertiveness is declining. I am too accepting and smily. No drive to do something for myself. But I do stuff for everyone else. While this seems to be a good thing, I don't like it. I don't like expending my precious energy for others, because nobody returns the favor. They all absorb my gifts, my time, my expertise. Once I am empty I have to find ways to recharge myself. I don't like that energy mostly flows into one direction, away from me.

Now's the time learn how to balance. Chances are you'll have to do some testing with your kindness. The people who don't return it should start to be eased out of your life, or you should find creative ways to set up win-win situations. That'll make it pretty fun to separate the leeches from the true friends.

[Raz]

Now's the time learn how to balance. Chances are you'll have to do some testing with your kindness. The people who don't return it should start to be eased out of your life, or you should find creative ways to set up win-win situations. That'll make it pretty fun to separate the leeches from the true friends.

I'm trying to find that balance for most of my adult life now

There are many people that have been eased out of my life, from kicking them out to cutting ties or slowly starving them out. They never understand. But that doesn't matter. So far everyone turned into a leech sooner or later, to the point that I am not having a closely knit social network anymore. Especially noticeable since starting with these subs some years ago, which made/make me weed them out like a master gardener.

But since the one-sidedness of energy transfer does persevere and permeate even my lesser social relationships, it seems to be something about myself that needs to change. I am not sure if balancing is enough. I am waiting for my epiphany.

Turning it into win-win sounds interesting though. Maybe I need to find a way to ensure a return of energy for everything I do. But that does sound tiresome, calculating and like being a major pain in the ass

But on the other hand I never learned to ask for favors or help from anyone. I don't want to rely on anybody. I see that as a weakness. But maybe I have to learn just that.

Food for thought. Thanks DavisMind.

[DavisMind91]

[quote='DavisMind91' pid='196238' dateline='1525366188']
Now's the time learn how to balance. Chances are you'll have to do some testing with your kindness. The people who don't return it should start to be eased out of your life, or you should find creative ways to set up win-win situations. That'll make it pretty fun to separate the leeches from the true friends.

I'm trying to find that balance for most of my adult life now

There are many people that have been eased out of my life, from kicking them out to cutting ties or slowly starving them out. They never understand. But that doesn't matter. So far everyone turned into a leech sooner or later, to the point that I am not having a closely knit social network anymore. Especially noticeable since starting with these subs some years ago, which made/make me weed them out like a master gardener.

But since the one-sidedness of energy transfer does persevere and permeate even my lesser social relationships, it seems to be something about myself that needs to change. I am not sure if balancing is enough. I am waiting for my epiphany.

Turning it into win-win sounds interesting though. Maybe I need to find a way to ensure a return of energy for everything I do. But that does sound tiresome, calculating and like being a major pain in the ass

But on the other hand I never learned to ask for favors or help from anyone. I don't want to rely on anybody. I see that as a weakness. But maybe I have to learn just that.

Food for thought. Thanks DavisMind.
[/quote

No problem, and remember that sometimes asking for help is smarter than banging your head against a wall and wasting time, energy, or any other possible resources. Self sufficiency is always good but not when it turns into the pride that ends up stifling you, or causes you to regress because you’re too stubborn to ask for help.

You also don’t have to depend on anyone per se. By what I’ve seen from my studies, the most successful people and groups in the long my run were interdependent meaning they worked together. Let’s be real. All humans use each other, whether or not it’s a symbiotic or parasitic relationship all depends on the level of mutual benefit involved with each party. It’s not weakness, it’s a means for long-term survival.

There’s also no need to keep score, just make others understand that you’re not the type to give freely to freeloaders and you’re more into helping those that help themselves. Hope that helps.