DMSI 3.1

[RTBoss]

That movie list...Man, now I'm jonesin' for some Above the Law, Dirty Harry, and Bloodsport (since you mentioned Van Damme).

[Duke.Togo]

That movie list...Man, now I'm jonesin' for some Above the Law, Dirty Harry, and Bloodsport (since you mentioned Van Damme).

I actually watched Bloodsport again a few weeks ago. Did a double feature and also watched Kickboxer. Loved those two movies.

And hell yes to Above the Law - the only Seagal movie I ever really liked, and any Dirty Harry movie is a good movie as far as I'm concerned.

Actually, I think I'm going to do an Eastwood marathon tonight...

By the way, you popped up in my dreams a few night ago RT. We were at a hockey game throwing a few back and screaming at the ice. We need to make that happen one of these days.

[Duke.Togo]

Day 87

Currently listening to: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3Wms3YEVSFM

There's a strange thing that happens to my brain when I do a sub. It's the equivalent for me of being at that point of when you're high and time slows down to the point where you can tell you're shifting from one state to another.

In the last 7 days I have lived in this constant time flux. I don't know why, but it's been really pronounced this time. More so than other times that I have run the sub. It's also been interesting because the changes have been so significantly deep.

I'm still only running 1 loop of B during the early evening. I'd say a good 5 hours before bed.

So, what have these deep changes been.

It started on day 83, I had this dream where I was holding a can of coke and was just about to drink it, when I suddenly realized that there was caffeine in coke. I ended up pouring the contents out and then threw the can away.

Now, I've stopped drinking caffeine almost 6 weeks ago now, maybe 7. I don't even eat chocolate much anymore. I wasn't expecting to go through those same motions in my dream. The belief of caffeine being bad for me is pretty heavily ingrained into my mind now.

But, that's not the really important dream. The next night I dreamt of someone I know dying. After the death, something started to happen in the dream, and I started stripping deeper and deeper into my mind. It was almost like I was stripping to the very core of me.

It was at that point that that core of me started talking back to me. Here's where the dream got so incredibly intense. The idea of God was brought up to me. In the dream, the core of me told myself that I am a god, I have absolute control of my universe. So, I asked how that would make sense as it pertains to others. And the core of me said we are all gods, we just choose not to exercise the god power within us. We've become ashamed of using it. That absolute power will grant us anything, if we align with it.

Then the rest of the Dream was me aligning with that power. Or trying to anyway. It was so intense because it didn't really feel like I was asleep, rather I felt like I was somewhere in-between.

Now, I'm not trying to start any debate, offend anyone, or use the term god in a religious manner. This was just what happened in the dream.

I spent the past few days trying to make sense of that dream. And, I wonder if the execution or lack of execution is related not to the shame of women or a past trauma, but the shame of having that kind of power to wield and control over our own destinies.

Interestingly enough, the day after the dream I took a friend of mine out for his birthday dinner and we hit a bar afterwards. A young girl sitting next to us started dancing to the music, offered us her food and was trying hard to engage my friend and I. I'm still in a mental place where I can't be bothered to talk to a woman.

The bartender also hooked us up royally; we had 6 beers and she charged us for only 1.

I hadn't noticed this kind of a thing much since version 2.3.

Something is taking place deep in my psyche, but I honestly can't say what it is. All I know is is that I have zero interest in engaging people in general right now. It's hard for me to be social. Writing this post is like me battling tooth and nail with myself.

I'm heading out of town for my yearly retreat; I spend a week alone by myself camping in the woods. It helps me to disconnect from the day-to-day of being in NYC. My sub usage over that time will be sporadic at best. I may get in 1 or 2 days. I'll be back on a regular schedule when I get back.

Perhaps by then I'll have some of the answers that I'm looking for internally.

I'll see where I am a week from now.

Also, I still haven't reached out to K. It's not resistance or fear either. It's just disinterest right now. Perhaps this will change while I'm gone.

[RTBoss]

Enjoy the week decompressing. Nature's definitely the best place for that.

[Duke.Togo]

Day 89

Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np0solnL1XY

Before I begin, the majority of this post is to highlight the incredible healing power of DMSI. Even while on version B.

So, my week of camping didn't turn out exactly as I had planned it to be, but, what did happen was pretty incredible. The week long camping trip has been a tradition that I have been doing every year for the past four years. Sitting in the woods alone and just going down to my most basic survival skills gives me a chance to disconnect from the world and get my head on straight. I pick different campgrounds based on the activities, hiking trails, and seclusion from civilization.

This year, I picked Acadia National Park's Blackwood Campgrounds. I made the reservations 5 weeks ago for an entire week.

I was due to drive out last Saturday morning, and I was going to drive the 9 hours straight to Bar Harbor, setup camp, get a meal cooked, and then head to bed for an early Sunday start.

Last Friday night I go through my final checks and print out my confirmation sheet. As I was about to put it away, I realized something didn't look right. It took me a few reads to fully grasp my reservation. It turned out, for whatever reason, that I only had two days reserved at Blackwood Campgrounds. And, those two days were Monday and Tuesday, with a check out on Wednesday.

Now, driving 9 hours for two nights of camping didn't make any sense at all. So, I looked at some last minute hotels in Portland and decided to stop by there first for two nights before heading to the campground.

I pulled into Portland on Saturday afternoon and immediately fell in love with the town. There's something about that city - it's got this punk rock grit mixed with the feeling of a shore town, that just immediately got me. There was also a bevy of beautiful, friendly, women there that just embodied this hipster vibe, without being pretentious about it.

Anyway, I did the local Portland scene - side-note, Apollo, if you're reading this, Holy Donut in Portland, amazing donuts; gave Doughnut Plant a run for their money - ate a shit ton of lobster rolls and found myself on Sunday morning touring the halls of the Portland Museum of Art.

PMA is a small museum, which makes it perfect because you don't get overwhelmed with art, and they have a pretty diverse collection. Anyway, as I made my way through the museum, I realized again how much I missed painting and drawing. Despite my best efforts over the past few months, I still couldn't get myself to pick up a brush or even sketch anything.

As I made my way through the museums gift shop, I literally walked into a section where they had sketchbooks and graphite pencils. I stood there for a long time looking at the sketchpad, with a thousand different things going through my head, and then I picked it up and a graphite pencil and made the purchase.

I went back to my hotel room, sat down for a few minutes, looked at the empty sheets of paper and realized it was time.

It's been nearly 18 years since I last sketched something, let alone painted. I did two sketches that day. In the process, I literally felt something unravel from within me in an amazing way. I can't explain in words what happened to me as I sketched again, but, so many things in my head suddenly made sense again.

I realized how much of me was suppressed these past almost 18 years, since I stopped pursuing my passion. And, honestly, when I look back at it now as I'm writing this, all the things that had to have happened to land me in Portland, my reservations being screwed up, seeing the trip through anyway, and going to the PMA, all resulted in me picking up the pencil and drawing again.

I kind of feel like my entire energy flow changed and it made what happened over the next few days even more incredible.

On Monday I ended up at the camp site and spent the next two nights camping. I also traveled around Acadia National Park, seeing the sites. On Wednesday I met another group who were in town, staying in Bar Harbor and also sightseeing across Acadia. We got to talking. I felt an immediate connection to one of the girls in the group, and I was planning on heading back Wednesday night, but the group had just gotten into town and I figured f*ck it, there were a lot of vacancies in town as the tourist season hadn't officially kicked off yet, and so I reserved a hotel room for two more nights and hung out with them. We went to one of the lobster shacks neighboring Bar Harbor and had dinner together. While I engaged the group, I found myself really connecting with the girl. By the end of the night, the girl and I made plans to spend Thursday together.

Thursday she and I spent just hanging around locally downtown, looking at all the small shops, we tried out lobster ice cream - it's as bad as it sounds - and then that evening we drove up to Cadillac Mountain to watch the sunset and we stayed to star gaze for a while also.

By the end of the night I was exhausted; I asked her if she wanted to come back to my room. She was hesitant at first, but I told her we'd just be sleeping. And that's all we did Thursday night. She curled up next to me, we made out, but I was honestly so physically exhausted from the hiking, camping, driving and running around all day with her, that all I really wanted that night was a warm body to lay down next to.

Friday morning we had breakfast early, and then I dropped her off at her hotel and I drove back to NY. On the way back into the city, I called K and asked her for a small favor. I told her to pick up some art supplies for me and asked her to meet me at my place.

She picked up the supplies and a late dinner for us, we caught up for a bit, and then as she was leaving I grabbed her hand and pulled her close to me. She and I spent most of the night making up for lost time it felt like.

The sex was different. Intense, but also more communicative, mutually shared, I don't know how to explain it, expressive maybe. Just like my loops of DMSI have gotten deeper, so have my connections with women.

There was something about my time with the girl on Thursday night and even K last night - everything was just open and free, not bogged down by anything. It was just enjoying the moment.

There were so many other things that happened over the week, so many connections I made with women while in Portland, so many beautiful things that I saw, amazing food that I ate.

While I was out touring Acadia, and saw the amazing scenery, I thought of how much RT and Strangelove would appreciate the views.

RT, Strangelove - Acadia is somewhere you both have to go and see. It's amazingly beautiful, and beautifully amazing. You'll both love it...

It was an unreal week for me.

When I look back at how much DMSI has changed me, how much it's shaped me over the past 10 months - it's incredible to me.

Most of all, I probably never would have ever sketched again, if it were not for the healing in DMSI.

That horizon just gets closer and closer...

[apollolux]

It's 3:15 in the morning and I'm on my phone, else I'd write something more substantial than a "like" on your post. When I'm on a proper comp.

[RTBoss]

Acadia is most definitely on my list of must-visits. Glad you had a great time, brother!

[Duke.Togo]

Acadia is most definitely on my list of must-visits. Glad you had a great time, brother!

I thought of you a few times while out there, cuz I knew you would absolutely appreciate the scenery and vibe out there.

The locals in the town were also really friendly and cool. It was by far, an incredible experience. I didn't expect to enjoy this trip as much as I did.

I would also suggest that if you're in Acadia alone or with friends, to stop by Portland. It's not a family friendly city in my opinion, but it's a fun town. Lots going on, great music and arts scene, and the craft breweries in Maine produce some quality beers.

I had a blueberry beer that probably ranked as one of my top 10 favorites.

[Duke.Togo]

Day 93

Currently listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5-gja10qkw

Sub update, currently listening to 1 loop of Hybrid still, but these days I listen to the sub four days out of the week. This is more due to circumstances than anything else. I'm in the middle of a project and I can't afford to have a day where I'm mentally cloudy or unfocused. So, my sub listening is limited to Friday to Monday. I play the sub at night, and I listen exclusively on my Sennheiser HD 280's.

The right headphones make all the difference for me.

This post is primarily all about internal changes this week, because while there was some interesting developments on the personal front, I'll save those for the end of this update.

This week has been sort of masked with an underlying rage. Nothing that's bubbled up to the surface and caused me to lash out at anyone. It's just under the surface, and it burns brightly there. I've been working through it, using the time to focus on work items and I have been surprisingly really cool headed.

I can't remember the last time I let a work item break my cool. Catastrophe's can be occurring around me, and this past week there were a few, but it never once phased me. This is a HUGE change, as the one thing that has always swayed my mood in the past, has been my work. My personal feelings I can recalibrate pretty quickly, but my work is what I'm married to, hence, the ebb and flow of my emotional tides are mostly reflected there.

I believe this is an evolution of my new found IDGAF attitude that has become more and more prominent these days. Actually, it's not an IDGAF. I do. It's that my foundation is becoming stronger and stronger, and that's reflective in every aspect of my life now.

By the same token, there is this theme of death has been running rampant for the last few weeks also. I don't know if it's because I'm now at an age where the years behind me are almost equal to the years I have ahead of me, but time is a concept that I am grappling with everyday. I think this is what the mid-life crisis looks like.

I've been reading Dr. Strangelove's journal, and the conversation that took place between him and RT regarding marriage, and it was amazing to read. These are two men that love their wives and their families, have been open about the challenges that face them in their relationships and how they make it work.

I keep thinking to myself whether I could ever have a relationship like that with a woman again. The last time I was in a committed relationship was maybe 6 years ago, and it wasn't a relationship I was happy in. There were a lot of complicating factors as to why I was in it. I often think of that relationship as a repentance for myself, for how I handled some of my relationships when I was younger.

If I stop and think about it, what women do or how I interact with them never really meant much to me, because a woman could never own me. She doesn't have me, None of my girlfriends in the past had me. I loved some of them, I had amazing relationships, but it was a one-way street. I gave them what they needed, but I never let them in. No one has really gotten in since I was 17 years old.

Now, I'm older, so many things have happened in my life, and it's not that I need to give meaning to my existence, because that's an exercise in futility that we human beings put ourselves through, but I also ask myself how much more is there left ahead of me. How many more amazing experiences will I experience before I one day wake up and realize that it's amazing, but, It's a road I traversed somewhere else, as someone else, a time not long ago.

That's an obnoxious statement, and I realize that, but I wrote it out because I need to remember at some time in the future, where my head space was today.

Time is a factor that is weighing so heavily on my mind these days, time and the desire to just say f*ck it and go off on the road without a destination.

I also thought of a friend of mine today, who passed away two years ago. Before he passed we had a somewhat falling out, mostly because I got tired of his shit, and partially because he crossed a line that I couldn't look past. He tried to reach out to me several times before he passed away, but I just didn't make the effort to connect with him.

And then he passed away. His birthday is coming up in a few days. Life's a fragile thing.

When he was alive, I told a mutual friend of ours once that the best thing that could happen for him is if he passes away. He was so tortured and miserable in life, I felt that he would only find peace in death. I regret saying that. I've carried the guilt of those words for a long time. But even with all of my regret, there is a part of me that still believes its true. That he finally found the peace in death, that he never had when he was alive.

We're human, we're fragile. It's why we hurt, it's why we carry the weight of our pain with us through our lives, it's why we need healing in the first place, because it frees us from our own mental prisons that we've built based on the cruelty that others had shown us.

Things with Y ended earlier last week, when I told her that it's time for us to go our separate ways.

She wrote me back a cryptic message - she said that some people are meant to walk parallel paths, and that we are one of them.

I never replied to her message. Yesterday I was with a friend of mine who came up from DC for the weekend. We were walking through Chelsea Market and I saw Y. We looked right at each other, and passed by without saying a word. We were just strangers.

The feeling bothered me for a few moments and then it passed. I let her go. It felt like I erased 6 years of knowing someone in a matter of seconds.

I also had someone else I have known for some time reach out to me. She randomly texted me and said that a part of her would drop everything and everyone in her life for me, if I asked her to.

I would never ask her to. I don't want that burden.

This Friday night I'm due out with some friends. Irrespective of my mental state, I have a feeling that I will be executing. That's the irony of my current state. While my underlying thoughts are traversing through some significant emotional grounds, my physical state still executes.

I am both observer and participant in an ever fluctuating state of DMSI Altered Consciousness...

[Duke.Togo]

Day 101

Currently Listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rl6fyhZ0G5E

For the past two weeks or so, I've been in a strange state of focus and less outgoing than usual. I have a lot going on regarding work, and all of my time and thoughts have been preoccupied with that.

I went out with a good friend of mine about a week ago, as he wanted me to take my mind off work. He said I seemed to be in a mood. We ended up doing a night bar-hopping around KTown. I didn't drink, sticking instead to tonics with lime. Lately alcohol and I don't agree, at all. As the night went on, he ran into some friends of his and pretty soon we had a pack of us.

One of the pack was a 29 year old who works for an advertising agency. I'll call her S. She was cool and we carried on a great conversation throughout the night. I don't typically hang out with very many 20 something year old women. Most of the women who I have personal relationships with are all in their 30's and 40's. My time with 20 year old women is typically limited to whatever happens when I'm out. Their numbers never make it into my contact list.

Anyway, S was very attractive without being stuck up about it and surprisingly didn't take herself too seriously; had a somewhat dry sense of humor, which is refreshing in a city like NY, where most attractive young women are in a permanent pose of some sort. She reminded me of a So Cal girl. We exchanged contact information and traded a few texts over the last week. Random shit about coffee, which she didn't believe I actually gave up, and artists we would have dinner with if we could. Fun stuff, that kept the exchanges, however brief, intriguing.

Last night I had plans to go out with C, who has a boyfriend, yet wanted to make a night out of hanging with me. I like C, and most other times I would have taken her up on the offer. But, lately, I feel like with her, it would become something complicated fast. It wouldn't just be a night of sex.

So, I've been hesitant to engage her. After I finished work last night, I texted C and told her I was exhausted and asked to postpone. She didn't make a thing of it and said she completely understood.

I went home, hoping to put the week behind me and decompress a bit. Around 10:30 I get a text from S, telling me that watching paint dry would be more entertaining than her date. I texted back asking if it was really that bad. She said it was. So I jokingly texted her to drop him and come spend some time with me. She called me five minutes later and asked me how to get to my place. I told her and mentioned that I had no alcohol at home, so if she was in the mood for a drink, she might want to pick something up on the way over.

Anyway, she got around to my place about 11:45ish. I was in the middle of putting together my new Sex Mix - the origins of this can be found on Dr. Strangelove's journal for those of you interested in the back story - and I had Korn's A.D.I.D.A.S. (All Day I Dream About Sex) playing when she came over. I let her in and she commented on the song. I laughed as I went to sit on my couch and told her I was working on a new Sex Mix.

She stood in front of me as I was sitting down and had this serious look in her eyes. I looked at her for a moment unsure of what was going on with her and she asked me, in a very serious tone, if that was an invitation. I said sure, not really knowing what I was agreeing to. And she smiled one of the most wicked smiles I'd seen on a woman in a long, long time.

She then came over and straddled herself on me.

I don't know if it was the week of work I had or just my state of mind, but I was a f*cking animal last night. Nothing was off limits for either of us.

We woke up this morning and headed out for breakfast and then went our separate ways.

It's funny how things work in my head these days, because for the past few weeks I've felt almost apathetic about women. My mind has been consumed with work related items and this incessant desire for absolute freedom.

I'm still on one loop of B, four days out of the week. Every week that's passed, I feel like DMSI is making a deeper and deeper shift inside of me. The three days I'm not on it, I end up having a headache at least one of the days and then suddenly something kicks into place.

Tonight, I'm going to spend some alone time and disconnect from the world.

To my DMSI Brethren, I hope you all find yourself in something fun this weekend.

Life's short, Play Hard...

[Blacksheep]

(....)

[enoch]

...

It's funny how things work in my head these days, because for the past few weeks I've felt almost apathetic about women. My mind has been consumed with work related items and this incessant desire for absolute freedom.

...

I'm curious, what is absolute freedom for you?

[Duke.Togo]

Great report Duke.

I'm wondering, do you think DMSI played a role in your pull of S? Perhaps that's a futile question, as we're all so much under the influence of DMSI. But I am wondering if you felt the aura, or sniper and or if pulling girls like that was regular before you started using it.

I have to be honest Travis, most of the women I had slept with ranked up to my early 30's, and while I pulled, it was work.

These days, the way things just happen for me, all credit goes to DMSI. Because it's not just the women, it's the whole deal with my life. I have so many changes happening with various aspects of my personality, my love for art again, and just my drive to experience a sense of absolute freedom.

DMSI, for me, isn't about just the women. It works on so many fundamental aspects of who I am, and that is reflective in my external world.

I didn't see this level of results before 3.1 though. Every previous version of DMSI has been building up to a crescendo for me.

You will have these same experiences also, just let go of any expectations and let the sub do its thing. I guarantee you, life becomes a lot easier when you're not looking for validation and finding your optimal flow state.

[Duke.Togo]

...

It's funny how things work in my head these days, because for the past few weeks I've felt almost apathetic about women. My mind has been consumed with work related items and this incessant desire for absolute freedom.

...

I'm curious, what is absolute freedom for you?

For me, absolute freedom is the ability to go anywhere I want, whenever I want, and do anything I want (work wise and life wise, without negatively impacting someone), on the drop of a dime.

It doesn't mean I have to be wealthy beyond words, but, that I have the flexibility in my life to live it as I choose without the concerns of can I do it.

Life is short. I don't want to live my life doing something I didn't enjoy because I had to sustain myself.

I forget whose journal I posted this on, but my goal in life is to be like the Dos Equis guy, the most interesting man in the world. It might sound funny, but, for me, that's a life well lived. To see and experience as much of the world as I can.