Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Yeah Chaos, thats what I've been doing. I only talk to him when its absolutely necessary now. If he says hi to me I might be respectful and say hey back but without even turning to look at him. Sometimes I won't even acknowledge him. I know in the past few days too he has noticed and been trying to engage me more to try and get back into my good graces but that's a no go for me. After AM6 I have a lot more self-respect and set boundaries. If you try to screw me over I'm done with you. I hate it when people sabotage your efforts and then they try to be all "buddy buddy" with you afterwards as if they hadn't done anything. I think what happened was is that he was interested in her but probably thought he had no chance (Hes close to my age so about 8 years older than her as well) and probably saw me getting interest from her and sabotaged it and tried to say he was doing it for my own good. He says he's "Bi" but obviously that means hes still interested in women to a degree. Either way I't won't matter in a bit, I'm going to be leaving this job in a couple of weeks and so is that girl I was talking about. I might still try something since we can hang out outside of work and she doesn't have to worry about being in a work environment where people might be "talking" about her and me. I'm just really pissed about this because this was the first girl, since I had gotten PTSD and withdrawn a lot socially, that I had a lot of chemistry with and then some @sshole comes along and sabotages it.

As a side note forgot that I did have a dream after that traumatic clearing last night. Don't know if it means the sub might have cleared up some stuff after I went to sleep or not. Dream basically was about some black guy who had been with some blonde chick and they had a son. The two broke up and apparently the black guy was some kinda of modern pirate so a couple of years later he kidnaps his son back. Son is held hostage for a while but manages to escape. A little while later (I believe the blonde was the captain of a submarine) the guy attacks the woman's submarine but they are able to make land on a deserted island before their submarine is totally destroyed.While on the island the guy starts to pick off whats remaining of her crew. He then corners her and whats left of her crew on a beach the takes her to be his by force. He then does some kinda of genetic experiment on whats left of her crew to make them part of his crew. Don't know if the dream means anything or if the sub dealt with something big because it was a really long dream it felt like.

Edit: I think I just realized something as well. The reason why I probably couldn't pinpoint my emotions last night might be because the emotional shielding in Version A was trying to protect me from the full effects.

[Shannon]

Thank you for the information. It will be useful in 3.1.

[DarthXedonias]

Thank you for the information. It will be useful in 3.1.

Glad I was able to help. There are a few things that I forgot to mention as well that have come to my attention over the weeks though I don't know if they might help. Since the last time I ran AM6 refresher I've kinda of gotten this "intuition", i guess, of whats going on internally when I think about something or a concept. Sometimes its like a little voice in the back of my head or sometimes I just a flash of feeling that coveys what I feel about the matter. Anyway, that has kind of given me a idea of some other stumbling blocks to me co-operating with the instructions.

-(1) A issue with self-trust. I don't know if the current version of DMSI deals with this but it seems to come up repeatedly. For example, If I were able to excute the script I would go for single women and maybe women who have a boyfriend (though aren't serious about them but I would never go for a married woman. Don't want to argue with anyone on this point, just the way I feel. Its partly because I have lived in a household where another guy decided to be a "homewrecker" and it didn't end nicely for my childhood. I guess my subconscious "fear" is that if I execute the script and put myself in a situation where a married woman is interested in me I won't be able to say "no". I know this is nonsense (consciously) and I should have more confidence that I will be able to to decline such a woman's offer but once again I this is a issue that my subconscious seems to not want to give up on. Its seems to want to go the "better to be safe than sorry" route and totally not comply and put myself in that kinda of situation. One could even say that its self trust along with the "fear" that if I comply with the script I will lost total control of myself (i'm one of those more logical types who is afraid of his own emotions because hes afraid of losing control and going too far).

-(2) Similar to point one, even though I would go for a girl who might currently have a boyfriend and probably dump him to be with me my subconscious seems to still have a problem with this. This one has slowly been getting to be less and less of a problem but its still there. I think its left over from my more "beta" days when I use to mostly put other's happiness before my own. In this case I think Its more of my subconscious feels that I would be unnecessarily causing her boyfriend "emotional pain" by making it so that she dumps him in order to be with me. I know this (consciously) is BS. The girlfriend has every right to dump her current boyfriend for another guy that she feels more towards just like a boyfriend has that right but at the same time this is another excuse my subconscious uses to justify not giving into the script.

I'm sure there is more but I can't think of the rest at the moment. I know these excuses are BS but it would seem like my subconscious wants to hold on to these dumb beliefs at all cost, along with the other issue I mentioned in the above post regarding my mother. The first one having to deal with self trust and the second (if I had to use some words to describe it) having to do with "not willing to compete to get what I want because I might cause who I compete against (in this case a current boyfriend) to go through emotional pain/hurt". I know these are all BS reasons and that I was just indoctrinated early to believe these things but my mind just seems to be fighting co-operating because of these BS reasons. It really makes me frustrated. I don't blame Shannon or the sub but I do blame myself (at least part of myself) for not co-operating with the script. Consciously, I'm really motivated to reach the goals of the program and turn my life around in this area but it seems like there's just a part of me that doesn't want to comply no matter what I may want consciously.

-Report for today

Not much to report for today. I'm still getting a lot of the celebrity affect but still none of the sexual affects. That part of the script is still being stonewalled. Though I might be having a breakthrough, i think. After the incident in my last post I woke up the next day feeling like I had a hangover. My mind just felt sore. Today after I finished my loops I noticed I just started to progressively get this headache (not too bad but noticeable). I also at another point I started getting these weird feelings. I couldn't pinpoint the feelings again but it just made me feel kinda of "yucky" I guess. It was a torrent of different emotions but not as weakening as last time. I think at this point my mind is really struggling to resist the instructions day by day. Hopefully it won't be too long. If not with 3.0 then hopefully 3.1.

[Shannon]

I appreciate the added insight. I will see what I can do with it.

3.1 is going to enhance the clearing and healing script, and the whole of the program will become more powerful and difficult to resist. I am going to try to make healing and clearing a faster and easier process overall.

But... if you were stonewalling... you would not be making any progress. You're not stonewalling, you're just fighting hard to keep your current limiting fears and beliefs intact. That will eventually fail and be overcome.

[DarthXedonias]

So it continues...

Woke up today feeling tired. I soon started my loops and kinda got more of the same. It first started with this feeling of queasiness and dizziness. It then progress to depression, frustration, and then anger. I then kept on having these feelings of turning the sub off repeatedly. I powered through it anyway. I kinda of know these feelings. I'm more of a stoic, non-emotional type of person but when I do feel emotions I feel them to the extreme. Usually when this happens they cause physical symptoms (Feeling queasy, dizzy, stomach pain, etc). So the sub must be working on something really extreme at this point especially if I'm getting the urge to turn the sub off repeatedly. I will get my loops done the next few days regardless. Just hopefully I will have some type of turn around soon.

[Shannon]

It is working on something, because that sort of reaction is all about the "being dragged kicking and screaming through the healing and clearing to the goal". Go, go, go! For a personality like you have, that's gold. Keep going.

[DarthXedonias]

Well, the rest of the day went ok. Didn't go out really because I was so tired after my loops. I went to lay down and slept most of the day away. Only thing is i've noticed this sleep isn't really my normal sleep. Its like I'm in this state between asleep and barely conscious. I've noticed that this has been my mode of sleep for the past week or so. Its like I could be staring up at the wall and then become fully conscious hours later wondering where the time went and not remembering anything. When I became fully conscious I had the soreness in my head again. I also felt some emotional turbulence. It felt like there were two dogs fighting inside of me and my scrambled brain was collateral damage.

On the celebrity affect, it still projects but some of the effects are getting kinda of annoying. My co-workers are constantly asking if I need help with stuff, even small things, and it does get annoying after a while. I'm not some fragile china doll. Either way, just something I'm going to have to deal with while I start execute the script more and more. The guy I mentioned above, who sabotaged what I had going on with that chick, is trying to get back into my good graces more and more. Kinda of wish he would just leave me alone. He knows what he did was wrong and he knows that I know what he did was wrong I can see it in his face when I decline his offers to help me. Apparently the celebrity affect doesn't garner enough respect from people to stop them from back stabbing you but at the same after they do that they still want your attention.Guess I shouldn't be surprised since I know there are plenty of people who try to take advantage of high class/value people and think nothing wrong of it. There was one moment when he helped me, which I mostly just ignored him, when it crossed my mind to "forgive and forget" but I squished that "old me" thought right away. I've done that way too many times with other people back when I was a very emphatic person , pre-AM6, only to have people back stab me again. I now have a "if you back stab me once i'm done with you" policy.

[DarthXedonias]

(Warning, more internal results than external below)

Well, I had some kinda of breakthrough today. This is going to be long so bear with me. I got in 2 loops because even though I thought I set my clock to start my loops 3 and half hours before I leave for work it actually was set to lower than that (tricky resistance maybe). Anyway, when I played it this time I got a totally different response then I did yesterday. Instead of intense emotions I just got prompted to re-examine my life to how I got here and what my issues I was holding on to. It was like one of those "ah-ha" moments I get during introspection while on a sub.Things that got pointed out to me:

-I realized I'm not a intellectually truly, thats just a mask I wore out of fear.I remember there was a time in my life when I was very extroverted and spontaneous instead of introverted and intellectual. I was still curious about things but instead of a INTP I probably have to guess that I was a ENTP or ENFJ. I was way more authentic and extroverted back then but soon the indoctrination began.

- once I got into a private junior high school I was constantly mocked for my voice (my voice became more mono-tone) and I started to just become more quiet and intellectual to kinda of hide myself from ridicule. I thought that being "myself" was unacceptable and responded to that. I started acting more beta to "fit in" with the majority of guys in the class who were also beta.

- My step father (the "other guy" who stepped into the picture) had a little bit of balls earlier in the relationship but after a while he was a shell of his former self and gave into every demand that my mother had. He never stood up to her about anything and just simply gave in to her no matter how wrong she was. On top of this I have lived pretty much in or around San Francisco my entire life (not exactly the shinning example of masculinity).

- Through out school and life in general I saw no one really hold women responsible for anything and just hold them up on a pedestal. I never saw anyone hold a women accountable except for a few exceptions. I was always being held to a standard and punished if I didn't follow it but every time a woman got caught not upholding a standard they were giving a free pass as early as elementary school. This would later cause a lot of resentment that I wasn't aware of.

- In the military this became even more apparent. I saw women totally destroy men's careers with lies and even when they were caught in lies they faced no punishment. For example, one chick I knew of wanted to sleep with a guy and when they did she felt remorseful of it in the morning. She then claimed that he raped who (even though most people knew he would't do anything like that) his career got destroyed and he got kicked out of the navy. This same chick did this again to another guy but luckily there were too many witnesses. Even though she got caught lying she got no punishment what so ever even though she could have ended up destroying his life. I witnessed many, many more events like this from different women. This just build the resentment along with me not getting sexual access because I was being "beta" like everyone indoctrinated me to be like. Another time I had a wall paper on my computer that featured the female version of the avengers (it was not raunchy or very sexual) yet I was told to change it by several male higher ups. Not one woman complained but that didn't mean anything. These males were "afraid" that a woman was going to get "offended".

- The big straw came when I developed PTSD. As I had already mentioned in my AM6 journal it came when I had almost committed suicide 3 different times. What I didn't mention is that 2 of those 3 times were caused by women.

While contemplating all these individual events along with many others that were connected there was a description of women that I felt in the back of my head that I feel my subconscious had accepted. Basically women = unreliable, untrustworthy, and dangerous. On top of this I should resent them because of all I've witnessed. Interesting towards the end of this introspection, I came to a conclusion. Like a scientist realizes that his sample of data has become contaminated I realized that "My understanding has become tainted and I need to re-evaluate everything I know". I realized that it was tainted because I had been surrounded by domineering women who never got held accountable and by male Beta-cucks who were pushovers. I never got to really see anything else but that. Its like my subconscious had a "Plato's cave" moment were it realized that there was more to the world than the shadows on the cave's walls. Of course I knew a lot of this consciously but it seems like my subconscious has finally come to terms with this years later.

Anyway, didn't want to tell my life's story but it felt like my subconscious finally went into "acceptance" mode. I'm not expecting lots of external results suddenly , because I think its still coming to terms with this but I think this might the start of a para dime shift because I think my subconscious is really starting to really question the old beliefs. I don't think its sold on DMSI yet but at the same time its seriously questioning the old beliefs.

I have a question Shannon, Is there a lag between when you start to accept the suggestions and you see results. Like your subconscious goes from resistance to questioning old beliefs to acceptance, then implementation? Is there a kinda of progression to how the subconscious finally truly accepts new beliefs?

Today
----------

Not much to report today. Still getting the celebrity affect more and more but nothing sexual yet. I do know though that after my subconscious start to question old beliefs I felt a lot lighter and happy. We shall see what happens in the coming weeks.

[Shannon]

It depends on your personality, and the specifics of your situation.

[Benjamin]

I really identify with all that man.

And fuck, the mocking part just brought up a memory for me I hadn't thought of for a long time. My mum used to mock me for my voice, like she would ask something and i'd be like "I don't know" and she would mock me in a deep voice like "I dunno" and I fucking hated it and have no idea why the fuck she did that. Hasn't done it for years, but obviously it's still painful as i'm definately feeling some intensity remembering it now.

Actually no it wasn't just my mum. Even people I was friends with used to do the same thing. So I can identify with the part about becoming more quiet, and also not expressing myself how I wanted to because of that and similar things.

[eternity]

I don't think it's really possible to change personpersonality types altogether. For instance, I know 2 woman ENFP's. One is definitely shyer than the other, but I take the icing on the cake for most extroverted. I wouldn't say the shy girl is INFP because of that, though. But after learning the shy girls story, I can see why she ended up more quiet and reserved. So our cognitive functions don't really change, but the way we express our sentiment to the world does, as we acquire new experiences that shape us.

I really hope the clearing is doing some deep digging away, for you and for the rest of us going through the ringer on this clearing. Seems like you're identifying correlations from your past that the clearing can work on!

But the resentment toward women hits home for me too

[DarthXedonias]

Thanks guys. Yeah, I kinda of knew I had resentment but I didn't know I had this much along with these other things that I'm uncovering. Its seems like Version A is peeling back the layers and I'm finding more and more reasons as to why I'm resisting so much.

In other news I leave for work in a few hours but I do have a minor update. I do think that what my co-worker did really did do a number on the relationship between me and this girl. I'm thinking the celebrity affect, without the sexual affect, probably got her to start leaning towards a intimate relationship (whether it be FWB or long term) but once he did that, without the more sexual aspects of the aura in play, it kinda of killed of what little sexual attraction there was. I got 3 text in a row from her asking something of me. Basically there is a guy at my job that I know who needed someone to switch shifts with because of a doctors appointment. He has a female friend ,who I also talk to, who then asked the girl i'm "slightly" interested in if she would text me to see if I could do it.

The reason this annoyed me is because by this time she hadn't initiated a text with me in about 2 weeks. So basically out of the blue she texts me asking for something which in general annoys me. I'm assuming the lack of initiation is back to what my co worker did. When we first hanged out at my house, about 3 months ago, she kinda remained a respectful distance from me. The second time though she became more mirthful and touchy feely. After the second meet up that's when she first started really initiating texting with me. Some time between the second and third meeting is when I think my co-worker decided to stick his nose in where it didn't belong because I noticed at the third meeting she was distant again not to mention on her phone (more on that later).

Unfortunately, it would seem it wasn't only my co-worker who was trying to cockblock me. One of her friends did so to. The back story is that she really liked this guy and they were friends. He liked her as well but he went off to Japan for a while. When he came back he admitted he had feelings for her but he realized while he was in Japan that he was gay. So they just remained friends. The Wednesday we were thinking about hanging out she wasn't sure if her friend had anything planned for her that day (since he might only be here for a while) so we waited until that Tuesday to confirm. He confirmed that he didn't have anything planned with her on Tuesday night so we were free to hang out that Wednesday. She gets to my place and I noticed while we are watching movies she takes out her phone a lot. I think the guy from the previous night still has feelings for her and realized "who" she might be hanging out with. Apparently he after the previous night of saying he didn't have anything planned the next day, he starts blowing up her phone trying to convince her to meet him at the mall later -_-'.

For clarification, I was going to end it a little bit earlier than usual because I had work that day but not by much. But she ended it 2 hours and half earlier because she finally gave in after he kept blowing up her phone asking her to meet him. We haven't met up since. We had thought about meeting up again but I will admit after she gave in to that guy and cut our own meeting short my interest kinda of took a nose dive and then add on top of that my co-worker and this other "guy friend's" meddling, it doesn't seem like it might go anywhere. I'm still interested, maybe in a FWB because of the chemistry we have but more than that not really. I admit too, its not out of neediness that I might still want something to happen. I know there are more women out there than this but it feels like I want something to happen so that I can prove to myself that I can sleep with any chick I want. I've only gotten this added determination to prove this to myself since running the last couple of versions of DMSI.

Getting back to the text last night I'm going to just ignore it and if she brings it up I'm just going to point out: (1) It was late when I received it , (2) This guy could have easily talked to me himself when I saw him earlier in the day, and (3) I don't really appreciate it when people that rarely text me now to begin with, start texting me all of sudden asking for stuff or favors. I think that should get across to her that "Fine, you want to distanced yourself because you think people are talking about us, but don't think I'm going to be your orbiter and start doing you favors".

Comments and Suggestions are highly appreciated.

[eternity]

i'd just casually say "he can ask me if he wants me to do it"

personally i think it's ridiculous that it goes from guy -> girl -> your interest -> you

that's so many middlemen and it's annoying. lol but that's just me.

but there's a chance that she took the opportunity to reach out to you, regarding something totally unrelated to her, that she could have easily just directed the girl to reach you directly. but instead. she took it upon herself to reach out to you. :-? idk i'm not an expert but that might be saying something

[Shannon]

If a woman did to me, what she is doing to you, I would just conclude she wasn't worth my time and be done with it. It's disrespectful and she obviously isn't interested. Why are you wasting your time? Let those who cannot appreciate the value you bring, appreciate what they can, and you find someone who does appreciate your value.