Solont - Alpha Male 2011 Notes

[Solont]

AM 2011 - Stage 4 - 3 Weeks

Really? 3 weeks? Where does the time go?

I feel like I'm more confident in social situations than I have been in the past. It feels more deeply rooted inside than before.

It's weird to look back at my feelings and thoughts during a situation after it's over and realize just how different they are than before starting this program.

I planned an outing with my friend and something seemed to go wrong at every turn. Through it all, I kept calm and just took care of what I could and let go of what I couldn't control. It was the most freeing experience to not stress out over stupid problems that really don't matter all that much even though they disrupted my ideas of how things should have happened.

I'm actually getting a bit choked up thinking about how much more enjoyable life is when I can just let go of idiotic and petty issues that I can't control and aren't my responsibility.

There's just under two and a half stages left, and I'm excited to see who I am when it's complete.

[Solont]

AM 2011 - Stage 4 - 3 Weeks 5 Days

Last night, I had an extremely vivid dream. I remember having dreams every night while using AM 2011, but this one stuck in my memory more than the vague impressions I usually have left upon waking.

I was at a beach resort with a woman who was a friend of mine. (In the dream, anyway. I have no idea who she was. Just the knowledge that in the dream we were good friends.) At one point, some big, buff, and obnoxious dude wanders over and starts harassing her. I get in front of him and calmly look him in the eyes and tell him that he is upsetting my friend and to please move on. He gets right up in my face and starts yelling about how he'll do what he *bleep* well pleases and that I should stay the *bleep* out of his business. I just take it calmly and keep looking him straight in the eyes and reiterate my previous statements a little more firmly. He finally gives up and just slinks away. Afterward, I get the impression that my friend and those around me are seeing me in a new light and are quite impressed. She said that she could have handled it but it was nice of me to step in like that. The dream continued from there, but it was random and disjointed and doesn't make as much sense.

I just keep remembering how calm and in control I felt. It was really intense and inspiring. Especially considering that in the dream he was taller than I am (which is an unusual experience for me) and obviously enjoys his gym time. Very stereotypical "beach bully." I remember thinking that he could easily thrash me but I knew I was doing what was right and that it was worth the risk.

I have never felt that solidly sure of myself. I felt it so deep down that it felt like it was coming up from the very ground beneath me.

It's got me smiling, and it's a great way to start the day.

[Solont]

AM 2011 - Stage 4 - Completed

Stage 4 was interesting.

The swagger normalized a bit in the past week and it's not nearly as overt as it originally felt to me. (Granted, I could just be more used to it.) I don't like the word "swagger," though, due to the connotation of arrogance, and it really doesn't feel arrogant. It just feels like I'm comfortable being where I am going where I'm going and it doesn't matter where it is. And this is turning into a bit of random gibberish, so I shall move onward.

I'm not sure how to describe how I feel now compared to the beginning of this stage that I haven't already mentioned in previous posts.

I feel good. I know that if I want to accomplish something, I can. I know that I'm a little bit closer to being the me that I discovered I had the capacity to be.

Bring on Stage 5.

[Solont]

AM 2011 - Stage 5 - 5 Days

As before, I've had a few days of being really groggy when waking up. It's like my brain is working very hard while I'm asleep to adjust to the new stage.

Gratitude has been on my mind a lot over the past few days. Whether that's leftover from Stage 4 or the beginnings of Stage 5, I don't know. Either way, I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life that have helped me in ways I may not have realized at the time. I'm also becoming more conscious about demonstrating my thanks to people, be it through words or deeds.

It's notable because, while I've always had a focus on it, it's become significantly pronounced over the past week.

On a slightly down note, I had a bit of a crisis of self-awareness on Monday. For a time, I was actually a bit scared of how different a person I am now than I was almost two years ago. I was suddenly afraid that I was losing myself into this new person, whoever he is, that isn't the real me. Fortunately, I calmed down fairly quickly as I realized that the "real" me was just a me that was restrained by a lot more fear and self-esteem issues. This program is pushing me outside of my old comfort zones, and I'm honestly surprised that something like this hasn't happened before now since this is my second time through AM.

Also, I had a slightly unsettling dream. In it, I was a type of incubus preying on the innocent. (Nothing violent, more like a sort of predatory lothario.) I've come to believe it was some form of resistance. I think there's a fear inside me of the parts of the program that deal with interactions with women, seeing as I'm a bit conservative and have always been extraordinarily cautious in that aspect of my life. I know there's nothing bad in the program. Again, it's just me being pushed out of my comfort zone and my subconscious trying to fight to keep things the way they are/were.

[Spiral]

I've had a few scary/unsettling dreams as well Solont. But you are growing and it's good. It's also a good thing that you are having more gratitude towards the things in your life. I'm striving to make a change in the world. I'm really taking the "Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi quote seriously. Meaning being happy as #@$% and helping people but also helping myself. It's a huge shift but it's worth it in the end my friend. And obviously don't be anything you are not. We all make mistakes.

[Solont]

Thanks, Spiral. It's good to know I'm not the only one having the occasional unsettling dream.

And like I said, I'm pretty sure it was my subconscious just trying to psyche me out and say "stop now before you turn into some womanizing monster!"


AM 2011 - Stage 5 - 9 Days

I spent the past two days feeling like I'm constantly vibrating at a high frequency. I don't really have a better way to describe it. It's like some sort of engine inside me has started idling at 10,000 RPM when it is normally 100.

It's made sleeping a bit tougher, and I'm not sure how to deal with some of the pent up energy. I can't stop moving. I'll tap my foot, lightly drum my fingers on my desk, fiddle with pens, fidgit a lot, etc. I've tried some breathing exercises, and that helps. Also, jogging or taking a walk seems to burn off some of the energy.

It's probably a temporarily heightened effect that will abate some over the next few days. If it doesn't, I'll just have to learn to adjust. (Even if it tones down a bit, I expect I'll still have some adjusting to do.)

[Solont]

AM 2011 - Stage 5 - 21 Days

Well, I did finally figure out what that odd feeling was. That was my sex drive hitting an all-time record high level. Fortunately, it has lessened a bit since then. Still, that was a bit of a shock. It's gone up and down throughout the program a bit, but never that drastically.

Some odd dreams still, but less tense and worrisome and more watching myself handling any situation that comes my way with ease and aplomb. (Including having a stalker. That was... Ok, that one was still a little tense.)

Meanwhile, in the real world...

I still find myself looking back over a day and being surprised at how differently I'll handle a situation than I used to.

Honestly, I'm not sure what's in Stage 5, but even without noticing specifics, I can tell there are changes. And it seems to be beating me up mentally a bit more than previous stages, judging by the dreams.

[Solont]

AM 2011 - Stage 5 - 29 Days

Only three days until I switch to Stage 6.

Um...

I feel great.

I'm getting bits of motivation now and then to start making some changes that I feel are necessary beyond just the internal stuff.

I started a jogging program (Couch to 5K), and actually finished it. This is the third time I started the program. This is the first time I made it all the way through. That was on Friday. Today, I kept it up. I'm not quite up to the 5K in 30 minutes that I'm aiming for, but I'm closer today than I was last week.

Some of my relationships with the people in my life have altered a bit while on this program. I'm not sure if all of it is for the better. Some of it is just more confusing. I'm friendlier in general. (I had a tendency to be a bit negative and, while not mean or angry, just kind of bristly.) I'm also way more positive than I was even after AM 2010.

[Solont]

AM 2011 - Stage 5 - Complete

Tonight, I start Stage 6 while I sleep. Before that, a brief look at Stage 5:

Eeesh, that was rough. Maybe there were other things going on in my life, but this was a rough stage for me.

There was a lot of turmoil, it feels like. I've been rather agitated for most of this stage.

On the other hand, I've also been more prone to following through on things. I kept up with a running program (Couch-to-5K) that I started. I have since finished and started working to improve on my own while I consider using the next program that leads up to a 10K run 3 times a week.

I've found that people are treating me like a friend even when we barely know each other. People I've just met act like they trust me without much effort.

The way I walk is still shifting. It's settled into a walk where I feel like I'm taking up more space than before but don't care.

So, rough as it was, it was still good overall.

32 days left before the end of the program.

Onward!

[Solont]

AM 2011 - Stage 6 - Day 5

This past Sunday, I went to a new church that's closer to where I live because I'm currently without a vehicle and couldn't go to my normal one. It occurred to me on my way home that I hadn't even been nervous about it. I just went and jumped into the discussion and talked to people like I'd been a normal attendee for a long time without a second thought.

It was an extremely awesome experience for me, especially in contrast to a similar situation from a couple of years ago where I was nervous and avoiding people because I was too self-conscious and too willing to assume that people wouldn't really like me.

The vast difference between the two experiences still blows my mind even a couple of days later.

[Solont]

AM 2011 - Stage 6 - Day 24

Just over a week until I'm done with AM 2011.

I've noticed that I am more at peace internally, confident that I can find a way to deal with whatever comes my way.

I haven't made as many entries during this stage because there's not as much changing. It's mostly solidifying the changes from before. That's good. I'm less concerned with losing a change I like. In earlier stages, new things would feel a bit tenuous for a while. Now, it's like they were always there and just hadn't been accessible.

[Shannon]

Stage 6 is a bit more subtle than before, but there are still changes going on under the hood. Mostly, though, it is setting and making long term the changes you've been going through.

[Solont]

Thank you for the confirmation that I'm not completely misreading what's happening during this stage, Shannon.

That's a small bit of stress gone.

AM 2011 - Stage 6 - Day 29

I've been slightly agitated for the past few days. Possibly some last minute minor resistance. Though it could also be that I'm just tired from working overtime all month.

After this program ends, I'm going to take a couple of weeks off from subs to let this one sink in and give my brain a bit of a break before starting Find Your Perfect Job. I can't wait to see what happens with that one.

[ncbeareatingman]

do you have ANY alternative usages for alpha male,besides USING IT ALL NIGHT? I simply can NOT use any subliminal ALL NIGHT, I tried it for 6 months or more and it simply DID NOT WORK AND I was hell to be around becuz I was sooo aggitated,grogry and cranky from not getting enuff' real sleep'. IN 2012 I really really want to use Alpha Male(alternative 6 stage set)2012,there MUST BE ANOTHER WAY TO get the same bene's from the AM,set???
MY psyche' ,and I cant be the ONLY one,is sooo sensitized to sound,noise and related,that it makes it next to impossible for me to sleep well,to sleep deeply with a Sub going,ALL NIGHT. needless to say Im a LIGHT SLEEPER,but once IM 'gone' and REM is ON,Im out like a light.
thanx. NCBear.