AM2011 Journal

[gangstergandi]

Thanks for the help Shannon, and yeah, you are right about a few things.

Alpha Day 12

A little back story here. I started anti-depressants around the end of July, a few days before I started Alpha. About 5 days ago, I kicked them completely (with the doctor's permission of course). They were making me completely numb and indifferent, and making me think about suicide. So, in short, I am very glad to be off them. Although I was on meds for most of Alpha, I think now that they are wearing off, I'm starting to get the full emotional rollercoaster of stage 1. I guess its just showing me how much crap stage 1's "garbage cleanup" has to get rid of. I've been going from depressed, to angry, to agitated, to tired, etc. I haven't had that many weird dreams lately, at least not that I can remember. I have, however, been reliving a lot of memories about situations that I handled in a pretty beta way; times when I felt I should have spoken up and not taken shit from people.

There is some good news, though. I've noticed that my confidence while driving is rock solid, and I really like the way I look in the mirror, even though I'm not in the best shape right now. So I guess its not all bad.

All in all, stage 1 is proving to be more difficult than I would have ever thought possible, and I'm really hoping stage 2 takes some of this pressure off.

[gangstergandi]

Alpha Stage 2, Day 6.

It’s been a while since I have posted, so I decided to check in. Well, to be honest, I thought all of you guys were exaggerating when you talked about resistance. Wow, was I completely wrong. There must be truckloads of garbage in my subconscious, because there are times when I really struggle with this program. A good example was this morning: I woke up at around 4:30 feeling absolutely horrible (that’s been happening pretty often since I started stage 2) and just dragged myself over to the boombox and had to shut it off. A huge wave of relief washed over me, followed by the biggest “facepalm” I have ever had. My mind seems pretty adamant to stop this from going through. I have also noticed that I have been having random crying fits during the day. It’s somewhat annoying, but I can usually go somewhere and compose myself and be okay in a few minutes. Another strange form of resistance I have discovered is that I have a very strong urge to use as many subliminals as possible! Lol. I get very excited when I read the description, and have to remind myself that my mind might be telling me to buy them because using more than one makes them less effective. Or we are all secretly being brain-ninjaed (kidding).

On the bright side (yes, there is a bright side!) a few good things have happened. It feels wrong to walk around with a slouched posture. I can’t really say why, but when I try to walk like I used to, (head down, shoulders slumped) it actually makes me feel physically ill. It also leads me to wonder…how the hell did I walk like that before? Lately, I haven’t been going to the gym or eating that well, and while I haven’t had a huge desire to do so, I’ve noticed that my view of my body has gotten a little better. I enjoy looking at myself in the mirror more than I did before (yay, vanity!). Finally I feel like something has changed inside me. I can’t really explain it, but at the risk of sounding cheesy, I guess you could describe it as “a sleeping giant awakening.” In spite of all the crazy resistance I’m going through right now, I just have this tiny little voice in my head that’s reassuring me. I can’t always hear it, but it usually starts talking when I feel my worst and kind of picks me up.
Well, that’s really all I can think to say now, I’ll be sure to post if anything else interesting happens.

[gangstergandi]

Alpha Stage 2, Day 11

Hey again guys. Well, as you can see, its day 11 of stage 2, and I'm kind of looking for some advice. Lately my mood has been up and down and all over the place. I go from okay, to depressed, to angry, to okay again, all in the span of a few hours. I don't know if this is resistance or not, but part of me feels like stopping. I'm just wondering if I'm doing something wrong? Or maybe my mind is just trying really hard to resist the subliminal. I've been looking at everyone else's journals trying to find out if you guys have had the same problems. Any advice is appreciated. Besides that, nothing of note has happened.

[woceyes]

Gangstergandi it is resistance and don't stop the sub it dose get better. When i did Alpha male (first run so far) it was an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs.

[Ryan]

Yes, I was feeling insane up until later stage 4. Try to get out and take your mind off of it, see if that helps. It comes and goes but it does get better after the first 3 stages. I'm also going through similar experiences on Sex Magnet. It's working, it's not easy to change what your mind is comfortable with.

Ryan

[gangstergandi]

Stage 5 Day 2

Hey guys, its been a while. I feel different. I realize that's about as vague as I can possibly be, but I just can't find the words to describe what's happened to me. When I look back at the person I used to be my mind imdiataely says things like "weak, pathetic, not good enough." As far as resistance goes, stage 5 was the quickest to bring it up. After only 1 day I felt so stir crazy I went and ran around the block...with half a foot of snow on the ground. Lol. So that was interesting to say the least. I'm still hoping the Zen attitude gets stronger. I have felt less affected by things other people say, but I have noticed a somewhat increase in social anxiety. But once again, I feel as if I am at a loss on how to describe it. Its as if the anxitey is there, but some part of me feels detached from it. On a brighter note, I will be moving out of my parents house for the first time in a few days, so I have that to look forward to.

For fun, a few of my friends and I decided to make a parody swimsuit calendar for my friend's fian'cee. It had pictures of me and a few of my friends doing ridiculous poses with small amounts of clothing on. For some reason I was feeling extremely daring and decided "hey, it seems like a really good idea to take a picture of me with his fian'cee's name written on my chest in whipped cream." So we did it. And gave her the calendar. The picture is not what I would call "sexy" (hilarious, maybe). But somehow, I went from being the person in our group of friends who she was least attracted to, to the person she was most attracted to. Also, her roommate who I had a class with previously, has become very flirtatious with me. I've been told multiple times that she mentions how hot I am quite often (and she's pretty good looking herself). It's also funny because I always got the vibe that she didn't like me when we had class together. So that's new, and something I'm really not used to

All in all, I'm feeling very dissatisfied and confused right now. I'm sure it's related to it being very early in stage 5 ( I have felt large amounts of resistance for the beginning each of the stages) and it should level off. I'll try to be more consistent with posts now to.

-Victor