SantaRich's Journal

[Ryan]

Wow man, I've had very very vivid dreams about my old Chicago home when I lived there from 10-15 years old, every week I have AT LEAST one dream about that house and it feels like I'm still in it. But then again this place was kind of the turning point in my life from a happy, popular type of kid to a depressed kid that got made fun of.

Ryan

[SantaRich]

Wow man, I've had very very vivid dreams about my old Chicago home when I lived there from 10-15 years old, every week I have AT LEAST one dream about that house and it feels like I'm still in it. But then again this place was kind of the turning point in my life from a happy, popular type of kid to a depressed kid that got made fun of.

Ryan

Hey Ryan, I am sorry to hear you had those experiences when you were younger. I can sympathize I wonder if there is something in the sub about this or if it is just a by-product of a kind of cleansing. I am glad to read you are doing better.

[SantaRich]

Not too much to report. I had been having a pretty good week, last week. And then friday, at work, I had to do a job that I really don't like doing, mainly because I feel like a get alot more crap than I should, in my opinion. But now that I am thinking about it, I mainly get crap from the alpha male of, the building. Don't know if he see's me as a threat or what, but that is his usual thing, to joke around of course, even though I don't find it that funny.

The indifference is still there, like I just don't care for the most part what happens, I would say my confidence comes and goes, I was feeling very very energetic last week, was double shifting and still had energy, but was very very very sore from my job.
To an extent, I have more of a taking care of business feel, at times, which is nice, because I am a professional proscastinater.
Saturday I went to my chi kung class, that I have not to gone to for a while, and had a pretty intense class.
Hard to tell if women are responding more to me, I have not really gone anywhere for the most part, besides work, and getting something to eat.

[SantaRich]

More than halfway through stage 2.

I noticed something the other day at work. A couple of people were talking, as I was talking to them a few minutes earlier I asked them what they were talking about. Now they either ignored me or they couldn't hear me, which is possible, I don work in a factory kind of place. So after standing there for a second, I said screw it and walked back to my spot. I could kind of feel the, not neediness but, I suppose the un-alphaness I would have felt if I had stood there for another second.

Another thing,was something happened that I thought was extremely funny, and I laughed my ass off for almost the rest of the shift.

It definitely feels like it is getting easier for me to get in a good mood.

I stopped doing my exercises, the only reason was because I have been working alot more, or I like to think of it as a break.

It is hard to say what is changing or working as I am trying not to look, or to say this is different or that is different.

I dislike going to bars, but I, I need to do something different.

I don't know if it is the sub, but I am feeling different. I am a very introspective person, and it feels like that is not changing, but not staying the same.

For most of my life I have been that person who never fit in or was quiet and different. Because of that I have learned to be alone. Now for the most part that has caused me a great amount of pain. When I was in high school it was definitely the worst. I never thought I was a loser, but most other people probably did. I can understand the concept of what the writer of the Power of Now went through. I have had my little revelations and at one time I was starting to become the person I know I have the potential to be. Is hard to describe what I am feeling or experiencing. Could anyone else understand, anymore than I could understand someone else's life from a few written words?

I have always tried to understand the reason behind my own or others actions, and most of the time thought everyone else knew what they were doing more than I.

I did notice a difference in energy in the few days that I was doing my exercise.

I am still indifferent to most stuff. But I am feeling hopeful.

[Shannon]

You're going to like the rest of what happens with the alpha set.

[SantaRich]

You're going to like the rest of what happens with the alpha set.

I am looking forward to it.

[SantaRich]

Been a rough week. Have had a lot of negativity rising up. Mostly about finances. I am not too worried about having or not having a relationship now, if I found the right woman that might change.

They have also been trying to get people out of work sooner, and while I do not want to get into the mindset that I need my hours at work, I unfortunately want to get as many hours as I can at work.

And Shannon, I wanted to see how many entries I could make before someone left some feedback, so you broke my streak

Will be starting stage 3 on saturday or sunday. I am not sure which day is 32 days of stage 2, as I missed a couple of days.

Actually it seems to me that stage 2 has definitely had some pretty high moments and some really low low's. I was just thinking earlier that I could not stand to feel like this for very long. I don't mean anything drastic by that, just feel like I am not in control of my emotions, and does not feel like I would see or feel the sun, in a philosophical way, any time soon.

The high moments would be that I sometimes just remind myself to laugh, doesn't matter about what, just think of a funny memory and laugh.

And the low would be, I guess just not feeling like I am on stable ground, best way I can put it.

Am really not expecting feedback or thoughts, but it would be nice.

[Shannon]

If the journey to the top of the mountain was easy... would everyone be there already?

Darn me for breaking your streak of utter solitude. lol

[SantaRich]

Well I finished stage 2, so thought I would give a recap. It was definitely a pretty tough month for me. I was down alot of the time, tired alot and just felt like doing nothing. Very very lethargic. I have still been feeling much the same way and am I believe going into my fifth or sixth day of stage three.

Something noteworthy happened at work today. I was trying to do my job when rob the knob, as I like to call him, kept asking me questions about a guy who had been working for the last few days. Anyway, kept asking me and asking me and I just told him it was between me and him, when he asked why I didn't like the guy. I stayed calm, just kept working and I could clearly see what he was trying to do, just irritate me and to demean me in front of the other person. But bothered me about as much as I let a fly buzzing around my head bother me.

For the most part my real life is kind of like this post. Nobody really interacts or says much too much to me. So, leave me some feedback, I don't care if you say I come across as a jerk, a nerd, whatever, this is about self-improvement, so constructive criticism would be appreciated.

[Spiral]

It's hard to say man. I come off as intimidating so no one at work comes and talks to me unless i talk to them. Everyone one is glad to be around me but for some reason I scare them off maybe they think they won't look good in front of me or some bullshit. I do have a co worker sharing an office with me and we chit chat all the time without a care and sometimes co workers come in and talk to him sometimes but he's always out and about chatting up everyone.

It just depends on what kind of person you are... you get what you give in some cases and I guess that's his case. I don't go and talk to people much.. at least not anymore because no one's reciprocated as much as I thought they would. I ask alot of questions about everyone because I'm interested and in some way that shoos everyone off and I think it's because they aren't sure they will please me in some way. This could be a little egotistical but I think this is the way it is. Plus since I'm usually an introvert I come off as more intimidating. Don't take it too personally... just let it go. If you want it to change.. become more of an extrovert and just chat everyone up without needing anything out of it of course. Personally it can be tough because it takes energy to get up, walk around, chat everyone up, ask questions, and listen. I do it on my own terms now but like I said I don't do it much anymore if at all. It doesn't bother me either.

[woceyes]

My real life is a lot like my post as well. I honestly can't answer why people don't interact with you. If i don't reply its either i wrote out a long post and then decided not to reply or i am not sure what to say.

Like Spiral said you could be intimidating or maybe people are not sure how to talk to you. Most of my conversations at work usually involve movies,music, and video games. Everyone at work knows I keep up with them because i love all three forms of entertainment. I hardly have anyone ask me about me and my life.(except for the "fiance" i talked about in my alpha male journal she has asked me a lot about my self)

I don' think you come off as anything other then some one looking for ways of improving there life like the rest of us. I think like in Ryan's post about his Persian girl giving him a mirror of the transformations alpha is doing to him is very beneficial. With that it sounds like alpha male is working great for you Santa.

[SantaRich]

Well, done with stage 3 onto stage 4. Brief recap for stage 3 from what I remember going through was, challenging, only word I can think of. I have had no motivation, no confidence, not cared about anything really. I don't really have any physical like hobbies at the moment, so pretty much been sitting around the house watching tv and screwing around on the internet.

I had a couple of interesting dreams during stage 3 however. And I almost never remember my dreams and when I do, they usually did not have any meaning like I felt these had. The latest dream involved pamela anderson, that one is too good to share, and the first one was kind of trippy. I was on top of a building and all of a sudden the buildings around me started turning into like water, or moving like water and so I started following a bunch of people who were jumping to other buildings to avoid the tsunami like buildings. Then I kind of started going off on my own and eventually kind of found safety.

I have also been eating like crazy, especially chocolate or anything sugar. I kind of feel like maybe it is my subconscious way of trying to reject the alpha program, because I have always been (big boned) but as of late I am going into the edges of (fluffy), but have always had the belief I could never be, a man until I was in really good shape and fit and trim. It could also be my job, my extremely easy and not very physical position has been discontinued at my facility. I still have a job, it is just sooner or later going to be extremely extremely physical, which is good and bad. Good because I will get in shape, bad because I am almost over the pain in my body it has caused me from doing it for so long. But whichever it may be, I have not been this big since high school, and while I have never been happy with my weight, it is something I will have to put more effort in to.

So while stage 3 seemed really rough to me, at the start of stage 4, I had a really good day, just seemed like one of those blue bird on my shoulder, nothing is going to get me down kind of days. So, so far so good.

Something kind of interesting happened tonight, I was at family video, and I saw this chick who was a very very solid 8 or 9 in my book. Kind of took my breathe away alittle bit when I saw how beautiful she was. Luckily I had sprayed on a little bit of instant shine, so I used the opener I can always remember, which was, I need your opinion, how does this cologne smell. So she smells and says it is a really clean smell, I ask her what she would rate it from 1 to 10, she said a 7, but that I could do better, and I think she said I needed something to make me smell alittle more yummy, but then tried changing the word around to something else, which I of course thought was cute as hell. Now unfortunately that was pretty much it, I think she might have kept her body turned towards me for a second or two more, but I did not pick up any body language that told me she might have been interested, but she was by herself. Now that I think about it though, there was alot more I could have said or done. I was too nervous to do my all time favorite move, the spin, and I just need to learn to be quicker on my feet, but I also was not feeling like I could get very far with anyone, still in work clothes, wearing my big bird colored crocs, and have not shaved for a few days. And I always tell myself, if it is meant to be, I will see her again. But it got me to realize that I do want a relationship, I have not had one for farrrrrrrr toooooo loooooooooong. People always tell me I should take what I can get, but I have never believed that is my way to happiness.

So to sum it up for me, month 3 was kind of depressing for me. But month 4 so far has been alot better.

And thanks woceyes and spiral for giving your opinions. I don't talk to alot of people even at work, and I have asked the question to a guy who is very well liked and who nobody messes around with, and he just said, I somehow rub people the wrong way. I don't really care, I am who I am and I do not apologize for it, I have just somehow always had that ability to be completely ignored or to somehow piss people off really easily.

[Jeff]

You are a limitless alpha male now. You do what you want, when you want. You get to make, change, and break the rules (I'd be a little more careful about the laws though lol). Here is my suggestion: get a piece of paper, a pen, and play some great music. List out every thing you want out of life, why you want it, and what are the reasons you don't have it. I will list a couple of mine:
More hobbies, fill-up my time and make new friends, I haven't taken the time out to find them.

As for the take whatever you can get, you could get several decent FWB while you find that perfect girl. If that is what you are looking for. That way when Ms. Right comes along you can say goodbye to the Ms. Right Nows'.

Good job on being yourself, and not trying to put up a fake guise around people

[SantaRich]

Well I have been trolling for a while, thought it was time to update on where I am and what I am doing.

I finished Alpha Male a few months ago and have been doing luck magnifier more or less since.

It took a while for me to notice or to be able to pin down what Alpha Male did for me, but they include more confidence, motivation, wanting to explore my interests more, less attached to outcome, among other things.

One of the biggest things it did was to kind of help give me the motivation or just get off my ass kind of mentality and start doing the things important to me, such as my qi gong practice.

Now I did have a really tough time with the program and a lot of the time I did wonder if it was working or not, or what it was doing. I know it was working because I was having and remembering these sometimes really really cool dreams(like the one I was on this waterslide made out of rainbows, that one was awesome) and usually I can never remember dreams.

But it took awhile to figure out what it was doing for me. So skip ahead to last friday. I started listening to stage 6 as a refresh before starting sex magnet. The very next day after listening I felt good, really good, more relaxed more focused less give a shit what anybody thinks.

Now something happened today to light another fire under my ass to report what has been going on. While it matters to me, it might seem like all I did was to come on here to bitch and complain, which I think would take away from the point I am trying to make about the subs effectiveness on me. Let me just say, I am not a very easily angered person, one usually has to cross a principle of mine, and once that is done, more or less, your history to me, don't get me wrong, I will give one time to think about what they are doing, and if they proceed with what they are doing, maybe even family, done!

So anyway, the point I am trying to make is that had this happened to me two weeks ago, I would not feel as justified in my anger and have the clarity of mind I do right now. I would be alot more emotional, right now I just have a zen kind of feeling, a total indifference.

Also since starting the refresher for a week, my....desires for adult entertainment has gone down, and the once or twice I did watch it, it took alot of effort to watch it and waste my energy.

So needless to say I am really looking forward to starting Sex Magnet and hopefully I will be better about journaling my experiences.

And Merry Christmas everybody.