Day 5: Saturday 11th June 2016
Today as you know the goal today is to listen to E2 for 5hours total.
I am listening via headphones as I type this.
How:
I began listening to the silent track via my laptop.
I was making breakfast and felt the need to not listen but to try and get good exposure while sat at the laptop, so when I had finished frying my eggs, onions and mushrooms with the toast having popped hot out of the toaster, I sat down, calibrated the volume and began playing the silent track, while watching a tv show.
The tv show lasted around 45mins, at which point I believe I stopped the track. This time isn't accurate, but close.
After having waster much time online, on social media which ill get into later, I then finally sat here to type this journal. I decided its best to try and get some headphone listening too so I am now listening via headphones to the trickling stream track and so far I have listened to it for 48mins.
I will probably get 1hours worth atleast of listening from the headphones but will let you know in the "continued" post later.
I had to have a bathroom break so paused the track just now and as I'm back, i shall continue, but I had some realisation in the bathroom that Ill share below.
Bathroom Epiphany:
On the way to the bathroom, I realised that I move slow. I have a heavy guy anyway but it isn't that, its the fact that I move slowly from 1 task to the other. Its as if I'm always waiting for the day to end maybe so that I can finish? Or its just that I don't have that sense of urgency that all successful people have?
I don't know but wonder, can E2 clear this inner struggle for me?
While in the bathroom I had some realisations.
As I was there I had this inner tremble, a kind of an inner shake, almost as if I was vibrating within. Its hard to explain it but my skin and outer body was not shaking. I think this is what we call anxiety.
This anxiety came about because I realised I have done no revision and my exam looms. It was more than this though, the exact thought was that of failing and then the anxiety happened.
I then calmed down quickly and then and unto now the feeling has passed.
I realise that perhaps this is a fear that many call the fear of failure or the fear of success? Any ideas which?
What I also realised is that I dumb down this fear quickly and almost suffocate it until it has disappeared. I do this on automatic which leads me to then feel calm and almost apathetic. I believe I have been in the apathetic state all the time and this could be the reason I don't fear things or feel anxiety UNTIL I am in that situation.
BUT I also know that this is the case for all people. For example I'm not going to fear heights until I climb a ladder, or fear alligators unless there is one in real life in front of me (a fear I may have but I've never been around alligators to find out lol).
What I also realised is that I'm sat here typing this wondering am I procrastinating? I want to share everything to really show if E2 is working on me or not but at the same time I also am using this as an excuse to get my listening of the sub done, so is this productive or not I do not know but as it was a thought I had then I am sharing it.
What I know is that I started this sub to clear away any and all fears that I have that is or are the root cause for me not taking action and procrastinating on my studying. What I now realise is that I hope this sub deals with my fears, be they fears of failure, success or others.
I have 1 fear, a fear I have had since I was maybe 4. Its a fear that most kids do not have, most kids and adults are cool with this but for me its a fear that I had all the way from childhood and teenage years until I left school. In honesty it is this fear that I had that caused me to reflect and debate my closeness to God, and my failure in seeking his help.
I don't want to share this fear simply because these forums are open to members and non-members and so I don't want to share anything that can find its way back to me, in the future. I may become such a big figure in the world so hardly want it being all over the press now do I lol. I am not embarrased of this fear however its nothing like that and to be honest I've no idea if I have this fear this, but I assume that if I am put in that situation, then yes I will perhaps have it. So if this sub can clear that fear for me (which is deep and long rooted due to the number of years that I had it) then this will be evidence of the power of this sub.
I also hope that another fear that I had, or exhibited which was being afraid of school kids older than me when I was 4 years of age, a memory I still have, may itself be rooted out eventually too.
So what started out as a listening to remove whatever is causing my procrastination, without knowing clearly what else I have that may be cleared has become more about other fears ALSO as well as the procrastination ones.
I literally just took a break to go check my Facebook, and other social media and fapping sites (I'm a man after all).
The question however is, why?
I mean did I lose focus and concentration or was it due to something else. Is it even normal to lose focus and concentration so often as I seem to, or is it normal too and more about being able to get back into focus on what you are doing?
I know that the current fear that I have about my revision is simply about where to start, there is so much information and thus where to begin or how to, or what is the best way to.
I have a fear within that is about not having enough time. Not having time to do things and this is always a pet peeve for me.
I also have a pet peeve of taking too much time to do things or not having the energy to do things.
All of these could be related to fears, so will E2 clear these too and soon I wonder.
I also seem to reflect on the prime of my life. We all have it. That time when we looked the best we ever have and the time when we were in happier times such as when relationships were endless lol Yes I had relationships and girls. I think they were also ways to avoid doing things, at a time when I was lost and had no direction and also were ways to validate myself.
Validate that I was attractive to girls and ladies. I believe this is innate to men due to testosterone and so something that could stem from lower or low self esteem but after all this is something E2 should help with too right?
All of these make me hope that E2 will help me. I don't want to feel bliss and sleepy, I want to clear these fears out.
I want to be fearless, courages, confident and a go getter.
I want to be someone that takes action on what needs to be done and gets it done. Im no freedom fighter, I'm not emergency worker or a fire man that faces dangers for others but I want to help humanity, I want to help people but how can i if I harbour these fears that cause me to stop when I must go, that cause me to procrastinate when I must move, that cause me to float like a butterfly, rather then get stinging like a bee.
Another fear I recall was when I as a graduate was out of work and had to call companies and firms to enquire about roles and give them my CV/Resume.
I remember this 1 time when I picked up the telephone and had to make a call. My heart beat so fast that I was shocked. I was horrified that I was so nervous and anxious. I couldn't believe it.
I now while typing this also recall a moment as a school kid always having anxiety. Every single morning going into high school caused me anxiety. I was feel it inside. I would face the music and still venture forward. I would still go into school and into class.
I recall more anxiety and fears only in high school.
I remember not feeling that I fitted in. I remember being angry at home and upset that I wasn't listened to.
I do not believe the sub is making me remember any of this, before anyone suggests this. I believe that I am sat here pondering and thus the subconscious is simply revealing more as I float further back into time. right?
I recall how when I got to university aged 18, how that anxiety disappeared. How I was in a new place and thus in a new surrounding.
BUT I guess that isn't true.
Im going to go back in time again to when I was aged 11.
Im sure you have all felt those feelings of fears during the time of sitting an exam. We call is anxiety but its simply fear right?
I usually had this fear every time I sat for exams and tests I think from the age 11 onwards. I mean I had tests and exams yes from the ages of 6-11 but don't remember if I felt it then.
What I remember is applying to other schools, better schools age 11, and would feel the fear/anxiety when I had to sit their tests. When I had to make friends and fit in. When I had to stand in line in the canteen of these new schools, because I was there to sit their entrance tests/exams.
I now recall an incident when I was a kid and ill share that in a moment too.
(Ive twice jumped to a fap/dating site in the course of the last 2 paragraphs, why? Does it excite me? I don't know).
Back to the fear. I now think that this is the same fear that I then felt at the new school I finally got accepted to and felt it every day that I was there from age 11-18.
I felt this same feeling whenever I would go anywhere new or visit someone of higher authority.
I realise that this is the same feeling that I felt during my 16year old exams called GCSE here in the UK. It was this feeling that caused me to heavily procrastinate I think.
I tried every year and in my 3rd year of this high school I worked my ass off, and managed to improve by 10 places in my class but the child that got from 3rd in my class to 2nd place got the recognition.
I remember around the 5th year that I went blank during my maths exam, and the teacher said it was due to cramming and she as empathetic, very very sympathetic which i took as an excuse to justify my poor marks.
I had no knowledge of how to study or what was the best way. I would go home and not study. I would avoid studying and then do my home work.
I was the kid that at junior school would say I loved school and loved home work. I really did. I wanted to be smart and a hard worker, so what went wrong?
When I got to university I was happy. My dismal and poor vocabulary excelled exponentially. My understanding of life, the world and concepts began to grow in ways I had never understood. Was it because I was sheltered or that now in a new city fending for myself allowed me to learn and grow and learn from my peers?
What I recall however is that the same fears and feelings of anxiety whenever i wanted to sit and study emerged. I couldn't believe it. I didn't understand why. I would sit at my notes for hours and let time pass without reading anything. I would sit lost and sit afraid and sit numb.
I would try and push but nothing.
I have carried this feeling all through life and its time they died. Will E2 help me? will you all help me?
The memories I remember now from childhood are 2:
1)
I was with my father and siblings at an open market. I was maybe 4 or 3 perhaps. I lost my fathers hand. I turned around and looked around and began crying. Crying out of sheer fear! How could I have this fear or why?
Within 1 or 2 second, my father turned around saw me, grabbed me and scolded me for crying. I was made to feel like an idiot for crying.
2)
When I was maybe 1 or 2 or 3. My father had friends round and they obviously wanted to meet me and I was sat with my dad. My dad lifted me to have me sit on this mans lap. There were maybe 2 men or 3. I began crying out of fear and they giggled as any human would, not maliciously but because it was understandable and cute and my dad pulled me back. I immediately stopped crying.
Why do I have such fears? Is this childhood fear normal?
I wonder if these fears are normal and I'm simply sharing fears that are normal, or if these are the fears that hold me back and are what E2 will work on?
what do you all think please? When I share things here its for you all to reflect and comment on, to tell me what you think and why. You may have the answers, you may not but atleast we can see what is what.
Especially those of you that are gaining success from E2 or other subs, maybe you have some insight that I need.
Why the concern of listening near the laptop and later with headphones?
After listening to the ultrasonic for 4hours yesterday and waking up today to no dreams, I wondered if I should be dreaming by now or not lol
I therefore felt its best to try and get as much exposure as possible and the fear or apprehension of not getting it from the laptop speakers while away from the laptop brought me concern.
I therefore decided to listen to the USilent track while sat at the laptop eating breakfast and watching a tv show.
I then decided while I type this journal that Ill get as much time as I can with the headphones.
I will either get the remaining time via headphones or will then move to the laptop once again.
So far I have spent 2hour 30mins and still counting... via the headphones.
I just had a phonetical from my mum and had to lie that I was studying. I don't know why I'm not but once this journal is sent I'm going to get on to it.
So feel free to share your insights and thoughts people, thanks for reading.
OF3 5.75.7G 13/15Vol
1L-2O/3OF; (1L-2/2 5/6); (2L 19/6); (3L 27/6); (4L 9/7); (H4L 25/7)
W 19 May
MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54, E2: 78+48, DMSI 3.2: 56 & 22, UMOP1: 57+UMOP2: 33 = 90+10 US v12/15=100, OF: 45, OF2: 56days
1L-2O/3OF; (1L-2/2 5/6); (2L 19/6); (3L 27/6); (4L 9/7); (H4L 25/7)
W 19 May
MLS 5.5G: ≈70days x2, IYGSH: 54, E2: 78+48, DMSI 3.2: 56 & 22, UMOP1: 57+UMOP2: 33 = 90+10 US v12/15=100, OF: 45, OF2: 56days
You know yourself better, and should always do what feels right to you.
