(Sub-Swap) Stop S̶t̶u̶t̶t̶e̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ Masturbating 4G and Ultra Motivation 4G

[Benjamin]

I'm also seeing more and more people posting stupid shit on their Facebook wall; maybe my Facebook friends are becoming swept up by the notion of regressive leftism that's become all the rage.

Yep.. that's why I deactivated it for weeks. I only reactivated it for tinder. But all these people posting leftist bullshit supporting the latest mental illness as normal and such, feminists posting dumb shit, people supporting the 'latest cause' cos it's cool and everyone else is doing it etc it actually puts me in a "I hate the world mood" so i'm mentally healthier without it.

I laughed at this the other day, because I do a similar thing. Looking at red pill sites which makes me angry and pissed off but then I keep reading it because it's like it gives me something to hate.

The last few weeks not having facebook or looking at red pill stuff I feel better.

[Ampersnd]

Day 36 SMast.
Day 22 Ultra Mot.

Really getting into the TV show 'The Path'. I find it intensely interesting; the corollaries are obvious. Plus, it has Aaron Paul, who was great in 'Breaking Bad'. And someone straight up murdered someone, so that keeps things interesting. Each person's character arc is taking an interesting turn.

I'm gaining an interest in semiotics and propaganda; I'd like to learn, on the psychological level, why people believe things that are demonstrably wrong. Even more interesting, why others take a moral high ground over others for believing stupid things, yet they themselves obviously believe other types of stupid things in another aspect of their lives. Even better, how individuals come along and galvanize people, either overtly or covertly, to believe things that act to their detriment.

I have the day off of work, and tomorrow as well. I might be on this Sunday.

By the way, I bought a session with Chris Bale (from Masculine Intent); it was a bit pricey, but I'm doing the Skype session with him this Tuesday. I'll let you know how it goes; especially if it leads me to believe stupid things.

[Ampersnd]

Day 39 SMast.
Day 25 Ultra Mot.

Feeling plenty of emotional turbulence, but it isn't that bad; I have some anxiety, and some feeling of not being grounded. I have my Skype session tomorrow. Will let you know how it goes.

I've had three days off work; the next 5 days are on.
Have been reading through Christopher Hitchen's book; there's about 25 pages left. I'll re-read soon thereafter.

Guys have been talking to me in the gym; I attribute this to the noFap, and being more embodied. Before, I was practically invisible.

I've been calling out particularly stupid Facebook posts, but using pure logic to dismantle them. For instance, someone had put up a presumptuous and fatuous post about our linguistic treatment of the races; they're called 'expats' when they leave the country, but other races are called 'immigrants' when they come to our country. There is, of course, a definitional distinction between the two, and I made it clear to them. The best part of this job, is that all further comments cease forever; they seem to know that they can no longer make platitudes without running the risk of a third-party reading both their comment next to mine, and realizing that the other commentator is brain-dead stupid.

[Ampersnd]

Day 40 SMast.
Day 26 Ultra Mot

Had a portion of my session with Chris. There were far too many issues to move forward; the internet kept cutting out, the earphones that I was using were causing sharp noises on his end, there were people in the house, so I couldn't be as loud as I wanted. He's wiped the slate clean, and we can resume any time from scratch. I admire his flexibility and honesty to tell me that it wasn't a good idea to carry on in that moment.

Going into that session, and carrying on ever since, was this feeling of anxiety and actual blockage; my speaking and my ability to carry on a logical flow to my speaking has been truncated. I realize that my emotional hang-ups, which I shall discover in greater detail soon enough, are keeping me from reaching not only some semblance of emotional mastery, but my intellectual potential as well.

[Ampersnd]

Day 41 SMast.
Day 27 Ultra Mot

I pissed off my boss today; she says I'm lacking "common sense" in certain regards. I didn't fulfill a certain task. She was much more personable after our foible. This is of course, partly my fault, and partly hers.

Mine, because I've neglected the self-responsibility to begin a new task; I assume that someone else has turned that rug on its side for a very good reason, for instance, so I don't place it back. I'm realizing that everyone thinks like me in this respect, so things don't get done.

Hers, because she hasn't and doesn't make it completely clear what my responsibilities are (more-so now). In addition, she's loose in her language such that I can hear a point of instruction and interpret it in three different ways, to which I need to ask clarifying questions. In fact, she's contradicted herself in her instructions, and wouldn't admit to it even if I brought that issue to her attention. I tend to be pretty literal in how I interpret peoples' speech, so this has been a bit of a challenge.

But I could interpret this lack in "common sense" issue as my inability to infer (mind-read) my responsibilities based off of passing and desultory comments. Enough said; I'm reassured that this line of work is not my future, so I should make haste to find an income which involves more lucid management.

Btw, am I speaking too formally? I actually like writing in this way; I find that it helps me keep my thoughts organized, and speaks well on my behalf (it translates well from my brain onto the page).

[Ampersnd]

Day 42 SMast.
Day 28 Ultra Mot

I've blown past my personal best for this year in NoFap with 16 days; I've hardly noticed.

At singing practice, I hit an E4 in 'full-voice' in a pop song; it came off extremely easily. This surprised me, as I keep getting stuck at C#4, or D4 in an operatic voice. Things are progressing along.

[apollolux]

At singing practice, I hit an E4 in 'full-voice' in a pop song; it came off extremely easily. This surprised me, as I keep getting stuck at C#4, or D4 in an operatic voice. Things are progressing along.

Do you usually have to use falsetto or something to reach that high normally?

[Ampersnd]

To correct myself, it was at a singing lesson, done with my teacher.
Normally, I would sing E4 with high voice, and I can carry that up to E5 or F5 before it falls apart.
But from C4-G4, my high voice sounds like it lacks substance, as it should be mixing with chest voice somewhere in that area.

[apollolux]

Ah, groovy. Congrats for your newfound vocal power!

[Ampersnd]

Same day,

My boss is really being weird; she keep reassigning new work positions to me on a lark. I don't mind her more recent change, since it's my original job.

I didn't have to work today, so I went home, read, did some German, geography, and went to the gym.

I think I'm stumbling upon a NoFap superpower; on my walk to the gym, women, in their cars, were giving me wide-eyed glares. I thought that maybe my dick was hanging out, as the change has been so sudden.

I even walked up to this girl at the gym, with whom I've walked up to before, but now I felt some mojo. We bantered a bit, though it felt awkward. This woman's legs and ass are like a SCULPTURE! My goodness. But, her voice is a bit off; a sultry tone with a bit of a nasal quality. Honestly, it sounds like how some post-op trannies sound.

I'm getting horny, though. But I'll keep listening to this sub.

[Ampersnd]

Day 43 SMast.
Day 29 Ultra Mot

Hornier, but for some reason, using my hands doesn't like the right thing to do.
Gotten into some stress at work; just hearing my manager speak both stresses me out and pisses me off a bit. But it got better at the end of the day. All of this leads me to feeling intense feelings through my body, which I'm learning to regulate be at ease with.

EDIT: Once I hit 90 days with Stop Masturbating, I'll likely use 'Stop Stuttering' again, as my speaking skills have been curtailed yet again. It's difficult to form thoughts and complete opinions on things.

[Ampersnd]

Day 44 SMast.
Day 30 Ultra Mot

Today was alright; doing the same-old, same-old. Geography, German, Hitchens' book, work.

I'm going out tonight, and that should be fun. Wondering how the dynamic will be.

I've been tempted to end my streak, but my mind shuts it down. But the feeling is still there.

[Ampersnd]

Same night,

Hey ya'll. I just came back from the club.

A quick run-down.
I go wait outside the club, and text my friend to see where she is.
Two bigger girls come up to me, and one drunkenly keeps telling me that I'm 'cute though'. I go into the club, and can't find them. I run into these two girls again, and tell them to show me the other clubs. We enter one, and we dance a bit. This same girl tries to back up on me; I shrug it off.

I walk up to a group of three women and say 'hi'. One basically says "move along", so I do.
This whole time, I have this awkward feeling, not wanting to start conversations based on what other people would assume of me if I do. I've also realized how asexual I make myself in these situations, as I'm not owning up to any desire or sense of myself.

My friend texts me again, so I go back to the first club. My three friends are some black girls from the same health center I used to work for. They also had two guy friends. I was surprised at how they dance closely and switch amongst each other. But they were pretty placid between one another when they weren't dancing together.

We when back and forth between sitting and dancing. On one occasion, the same girl from outside the club came up and started dancing close. I shrugged it off again. But this black girl noticed and was giggling a bit to herself. I also had some sweet dance moves, and she noticed.

Anyways, I go up and ask "how are my dance moves?"
She replies, "bad," laughing.
I retort, "I have an excuse, though," pointing to my white arm. More laughing.
We go back and forth. She's from Jamaica; her accent is cute, her face is cute, her body is cute, her demeanor is cute. We made light conversation, but I did 'up the ante' with touching. I tried to do a slow dance, but I don't know how to dance, so it was awkward. But I didn't feel any emotional awkwardness.

She volunteered her Snapchat to me, but it didn't work, so she gave me her number.

It's strange that I don't have an urge or instinct to guide me, which is why I'm glad that I'm going to finish Chris Bale's energy session. Note that it's been 18 days since last PMO.

[Ampersnd]

Day 45 Stop Masturbating
Day 31 Ultra Motivation

I have a date with the Jamaican girl from last night. She seems pretty open to hanging out. I'll keep you posted by posting an Edit on this post.

EDIT: So I just came back from my date. We went for bowling, pool, and had a drink, all in the same building. She's very cute, but has some quirks; for one, she says she doesn't enjoy kissing (though we did), but she states that she loves foreplay (which we didn't do).

We spent a half-hour in my car in the parking lot, just talking about random stuff. She talked a lot more. Her accent is cute, and I often miss-hear things for that reason.

She's messaged me since.