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+--- Thread: Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal (/Thread-Transcendent-Sith-Lord-s-DMSI-3-3-D-Journal)
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - DarthXedonias - 01-02-2017
(01-02-2017, 02:53 PM)Shannon Wrote: If a woman did to me, what she is doing to you, I would just conclude she wasn't worth my time and be done with it. It's disrespectful and she obviously isn't interested. Why are you wasting your time? Let those who cannot appreciate the value you bring, appreciate what they can, and you find someone who does appreciate your value.
I thought about what you said and your most likely right. I guess part of me was just hoping there was a way to salvage the situation after my co-worker and that guy didn't mind their own business. She was showing some signs of interest before all that but I guess she just went more cold afterwards. I guess what I can learn from this is that sometimes stuff comes up that is out of your control that might ruin your chances with a women and you just need to accept it and move on. I have also learned, know matter how much I trust someone I'm not going to tell any "friends" if I might be interested in a women again. It seems to me no matter how much trust you might have in them it can't guarantee that they won't open their mouth and sabotage you in some way. There does seem to be something else to this situation that seems to be interesting that I will disclose below.
-Today
Yeah, quite honestly this sub is kicking my ass. I had another incident today that wasn't as bad as last week but it came very close. I ran my loops and didn't get any issues, just introspection. Well, I was at work today and The above chick wasn't working today but she came in to watch a movie. That's when all the horrible crap started. As soon as I laid eyes on her I felt this feeling of electricity/energy in my stomach. But that wasn't all this time I automatically felt very, very intense fear. I was still able to play it off and banter with her for a few moments and then leave but the fear was so intense I felt like I was going to throw up for several hours. I felt anger as well but only for like 2 mins. Then after the nauseousness was gone I got stomach craps (usually happens when I'm under intense stress) and the head ache/soreness was on and continuing to this very moment. This like the third time the aura has really tried to project to this particular girl and then my subconscious starts fighting it. The first time was a couple of weeks ago. I got the electric/energy feeling in my stomach but not as much other emotions. You guys already know about last week's incident and now this is the third time the Aura has tried to project but this is the first time I have felt this sort of fear before to the point of wanting to throw up. Do you have any idea Shannon why this might be happening? I've never felt this much fear before in a very very long time.
Had to end up leaving work early again because my body got exhausted and weak again having these intense emotions. Bad news is this same chick is scheduled to work tomorrow and I don't know if I will be able to work if the aura is going to be trying to project and my subconscious is fighting it the whole time.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - DarthXedonias - 01-03-2017
ok, so pretty much healed, of PTSD anyway. I do really want to thank Shannon for this program. I actually feel normal (if not above so) now. I feel like I'm free of a lot of the guilt, shame, fear, anger, and resentment that I've had for so long. Basically what happened is shortly after my last post things got even worse. I literally felt like I was having some psychotic episode. For the next three to four hours I was in a bunch of emotional pain. When I say emotional pain I mean lots of it. I was literally in my bed or sitting while shaking and tossing and turning, holding myself, or hold my knees up to my chest or a combination of the above. I practically kept on whispering to myself "I can't, I can't, I can't" (obviously related to the sub but I don't know which part) or "no, I don't like them". This kept going on for 3 to 4 hours but then it subsided. I believe my subconscious finally gave in to the healing and clearing part of the script. After it subsided I found a few things had changed:
- The instructions had wiped away one of the things I had founded my entire life on. It was just gone and with it a lot of guilt, shame, fear, and some other beliefs related to it.
- I made peace with what happened in my past by "accepting responsibility". I admitted that I was weak back then and whether you like it or not if you keep remaining weak you get whats coming to you. Does that mean what people did to me was right? of course not but they only were able to take advantage of me because I allowed them to. In this world the strong and intelligent get what they want out of the life while those who are weak and choose to remain so live a miserable existence. It was once said "if you want peace, prepare for war". I realized if you want to face adversity without getting overwhelmed by it you need to "choose" to become strong and continue to get stronger. I was weak and choose to remain weak therefore I got what was coming to me.
- Everything that anyone told me (My mother, my stepfather, teachers at school) mean nothing to me now. I make my own choices and follow my own moral code and creed. I have forgotten what others tried to push on me (for the most part it feels) and accepted my own opinion on matters.
- I don't need anyone or anything right now. I still have goals and aspiration but I am complete in of myself. I don't need something else to complete me. Along these lines and Shannon's advice I don't really care about that woman anymore. If I want to remain friends with her later on, or she gets renewed interested, either way doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't "need" her or anyone else. I don't need others opinions or morals , I have my own. When it comes down to it my opinion regarding my life is the only one that really matters.
There are others things too but essentially I feel like a brand new person after years of dragging all this garbage around. I feel like it is here to stay as well (even though I will keep using the sub regardless) because I have come to terms with the root of causes of the issues. Mainly others can hurt me only if I allow them to hurt me. I just feel very good right now and feel like a lot of issues have fallen to the way side. I'm started to wonder if in my new state if I can run version B now successfully but I will hold off on that and run version A for a couple more weeks to cement these results. Along those lines I do realize something though. Having a version A and B is probably for the best. I ran Version A for a couple of weeks and never really noticed much. It was only after I ran B for 2 days (to bring the issues to the surface) and then ran A to clear things out did I really notice anything. Don't know if that's helpful information or not but that's what happened. Either way, I think that might be best for me though the resistance doing this method is really, really brutal.
Along with this new found me I find myself being more "selfish" as it were which is a nice kinda of pace. I come first before anyone else. If I can get a win-win situation then I will take it but if its going to be a win - lose situation expect to lose. Along with this new selfishness I have found myself not really interested in other people's stories or journeys (no offense) so I'm not as interested in the forums as much. I will probably go to only posting 1 or 2 times a week unless something major happens. I might still occasionally post on other people's threads if I'm very bored but other than that not interested. Anyway, Thanks again Shannon.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - RTBoss - 01-03-2017
(01-03-2017, 04:10 PM)DarthXedonias Wrote: I ran Version A for a couple of weeks and never really noticed much. It was only after I ran B for 2 days (to bring the issues to the surface) and then ran A to clear things out did I really notice anything. Don't know if that's helpful information or not but that's what happened. Either way, I think that might be best for me though the resistance doing this method is really, really brutal.
This is precisely one of the things I was thinking when switching to B. I also thought giving Version A instructions time to percolate without actively inputting the healing/clearing instructions (to see if perhaps there's a "bloom" effect).
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - eternity - 01-03-2017
Dude I've been emotional as f*** as it is from version A, but reading your post made me shudder (at the I can't I can't) because I totally understand, and was just there a few days ago. I then read on, and saw you hit some major breakthroughs and I teared up a little bit. That's awesome that you chose to take personal responsibility for yourself. That's such a painful position to take, but it is so liberating. Happy for you, mate.
#RamblingsOfADimseeCrybaby
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - DarthXedonias - 01-03-2017
Quote:This is precisely one of the things I was thinking when switching to B. I also thought giving Version A instructions time to percolate without actively inputting the healing/clearing instructions (to see if perhaps there's a "bloom" effect).
Yeah, I can only think of 2 possibilities
- Bloom effect from my 2 day runs of Version B
or
- Version A clearing out what reasons for resisting that version B brought to the surface
My bet is on #2 because I remember a few days ago while running version A (post 2 days of version B) I kept on getting those emotions while running it and the intense desire to turn the sub off. I had never gotten this when I was strictly on version A. Part of me is interested in trying this every week but that resistence is really really bad. That's probably not going to stop me (I've faced the worst of it I think) but that was almost nightmarish.
Quote:Dude I've been emotional as f*** as it is from version A, but reading your post made me shudder (at the I can't I can't) because I totally understand, and was just there a few days ago. I then read on, and saw you hit some major breakthroughs and I teared up a little bit. That's awesome that you chose to take personal responsibility for yourself. That's such a painful position to take, but it is so liberating. Happy for you, mate.
#RamblingsOfADimseeCrybaby
Your telling me. I felt like I belonged in a mental institution from the way I was acting. Thanks though for the encouragement and what not. I'm just now wondering how much closer I am to even projecting the sexual side of the aura. Celebrity affect is still going as usual but that sexual side is still missing, which means there still some blockages I need to remove. Apparently this was just the first major step.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - Shannon - 01-03-2017
Amazing the stuff that holds us back.... subconsciously.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - DarthXedonias - 01-05-2017
Well, crap did go down last night.
Got another bout of resistence out of no where. Was sitting listening to music and all of a sudden I started feeling the resistence come on. For me it seems to be: Emotional distress going on in my head (whether I can pinpoint specific emotions seems to be random)> Body starts to weaken significantly> Start to feel like I'm going to "toss my cookies". Luckily, It feels like the resistence is running out of ammunition. I've noticed with each of these episodes they seem to get less "intense" as they happen. They are still bad and I can't remember critically think or talk coherently all that much but each one is starting to get more manageable. hopefully it will get less intense because literally for the past week and half my brain has been "sore" 24/7. It doesn't feel like it has recuperated or healed as much, its been sore that entire time. I was introspective again during this time but some of it I can't remember.
One thing I do remember though that I thought about during and later that night was my understanding of women and what type of woman do I actually want. This did make me realize something about that chick who I am now "not" currently interested in anymore. The reason she started sending mixed signals ,after all those cock block incidents, wasn't because she was afraid to progress any further cause of social stigmatization and I just needed to give a little more charm to get her where I wanted. No, after those incidents she made a conscious decision of "well, I'm not going to pursue this anymore but I do like the attention so I will just show a little interest sometimes in order to give him a little bit of hope". I kinda of put this down to my lack of experience with women. Yes, "sometimes" mixed signals, after she was interested before, "might" mean that shes simply afraid of her reputation or something but more than likely its women doing the whole "carrot on a stick" strategy. They do it to get something out of you (attention, favors, etc) while not giving anything else of "real" value in return. Low and behold, as if the universe was trying to confirm what I already believed I get a text from her a few hours later.
Can you guess what the text was about? If you guessed "wanting a favor" you would be correct. She had told me that earlier this week that she would be off on Saturday and Sunday to hang out with friends, unfortunately for her I guess her request got denied. So of course who do you think she came to asking if they could take her shifts? Psh, as if I would do that. I simply ignored the text and have no intentions of responding. I'm no one's orbiter, better go find someone else. After downgrading her from someone interested in to friend I think I'm going to downgrade her further to just acquaintance. I might still talk to her during work for my own amusement but outside of work I'm not really interested in being in her presence.
I don't see this as too bad a experience, I just see it as a learning experience that will help me in the future. Funny enough, later on the night I got introspective again and started comparing this chick to the redhead that I wrote about in my women magnet journal. The red head was extroverted from the get go and had no problems letting you know to your face what she thought. She came from a still "intact" home and even though she made bad choices earlier in life she seemed to be on her way to correcting them. Also, at the time all I was doing was being my authentic self at the time with boundaries setup (I had just finished AM6 two months earlier) and she saw something of value and was willing to offer me sexual favors off the bat.
In comparison, this chick came from a one parent household. Which tells me either (1) her father died (not very likely), (2) her mother divorced him for a good reason(abuse, etc) in which case she probably has a very low opinion of men, or (3) She divorced him on a whim (got bored, wasn't feeling it anymore, etc) in which case she sees men as disposable (Most likely scenario). From what I had heard of about her mother from the women in question, option 3 seems like the most probably which in case her daughter probably picked up the same attitude. Also, from what I can tell she wasn't very popular in high school but as soon as she got in the "real world" she started getting all this male attention (mostly beta anime and video game nerds) and it would seem she started making up for lost times during high school (no male attention) and general childhood (no genuine male attention from a father figure).
Now, I'm not trying to psycho analyze this too much just trying to give you an idea of where my mind is headed. After all this I just realized when comparing the 2 I would have choose the redhead without a doubt. She was outspoken, straightforward, and fun to be around. The other girl was exciting and her energy was highly infectious but she had all these other red flags. The redhead not so much though I have no doubt that she gave lots of shit tests and she was one of those women if you were not a man on your "mission" she wouldn't even bother with you. All in all I think this episode this time was about what I really wanted from a woman and what kinda of criteria I should have met. I know there were other things that were brought up but I can't remember them. When I get in one of those moments my self awareness can be kinda of low.
Ah, wait I just remembered now. Another thing was why the aura kept on trying to project on this chick. You could say it was the conscious sniper in affect but I remember I started talking to this chick during either version 2.2 or 2.4 I think and the auto-pilot was in affect even then. While I was pondering this I was wondering "Hmm what if this was a case of reverse resistence (I think that's what Shannon called it). What if my subconscious wanted to sniped this particular girl just so it could end badly so my subconscious could say, "See! I told you the old beliefs are correct. This is why we don't deal with women like this. They are unreliable, untrustworthy , and dangerous like I told ya". I am wondering if this is what might have happened. For further clarification, on Tuesday when I worked with her I didn't feel the aura trying to project at all or get any strange feelings like previously. The night previously is when I had that nightmarish resistance and afterwards I was pretty much over her. Interestingly, what I didn't mention was while the resistence was on its last legs it tried to play the whole ,"I rather die then change" line. Luckily, I had read Shannon talk to someone about this before in another thread and recognized this tactic for what it was. My Question is Shannon, is do you have any strategies or 6 tech you can put into 3.1 that are effective against reverse resistence?(if indeed this is what it was).
Anyway, that's all for now. Old beliefs are going down it would seem but they aren't going down without a fight. I just hope it doesn't go on too long. Getting kinda of tired of this resistence physically weakening me and making me nauseous so much. Will keep on updating every once in while to hopefully give feedback to make this work.
P.S. Almost forgot resistence has been using tricky underhanded methods as well. For two days I have only manage to get in 2 loops per day because I had "thought" I set my clock at the right time but each time I had calculated wrong (this after calculating it for mins at a time). Also, the other day I only got 2 loops in because I got up at the right time, laid down again for a second to gather the strength to get up and turn to loops on, only to find out that an hour had already passed -__-'''
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - DarthXedonias - 01-21-2017
Ok been a while and thought I should up date. Things were kinda of quiet for a while but I had another incident last night that revealed yet another reason why my mind doesn't want to follow the instructions and project the aura. So far the main reasons I have uncovered have been :
- Mother made feel ashamed of my own sexuality and expressing it
- After seeing various women in my career destroy other men and my experiences with them my subconscious associates them with: untrustworthy, unreliable, dangerous.
During last night "a lot" of anger and rage came up. It felt like during this time I got almost an entire spiel on another reason my subconscious won't co-operate. In order to understand this point I think so background information is needed. I don't want to tell my life story (and some of this is quite personal) but I feel I need to be transparent so that the program can be upgraded appropriately and those who have similar issues to mine might see success in upcoming versions. Some of you might remember that I shared that I use to be quite extroverted but later on became introverted due to ridicule. Well as I went over certain memories last night this came more into focus. This actually happened on two fronts.
I went to a private Junior high and High School and all throughout my time there I was mocked, ridiculed and made fun of due to my voice (I have a quite monotone voice). I was full of a class of guys who just ripped and teared each other down just so they could get there "15 mins" of fame by making everyone laugh at the expense of someone else. I noticed after a while I just stopped expressing myself much because every time I did I became the butt of a joke and was laughed at. It got bad at times that I just ate lunch by myself at times and tried to keep a low a profile as possible. Unfortunately, this didn't end at school. My mother is a career oriented woman who cared most about just that, her career. Didn't come to any of my graduations or parent - teacher meetings. She just wouldn't take off anytime no matter the reason. I was basically ignored most of the time (unless it had to do with something essential). Problem is when I did get any attention it was the negative kind (Blaming me for stuff, telling me how I had fucked up, on one occasion telling me she "hated me", etc).
So after a while I withdrew even further. Basically, I went to school and drew as less attention to myself as possible and then came home and basically locked myself in my room. I mostly just sat in my room, played video games, day dreamed, and listened to music. So basically, I had to deal with tearing down other people "A-holes" at school and a career oriented Feminazi mom at home. I learned the best way to deal with all this was to draw as less attention to myself as possible. There lies in the problem. It doesn't want to co-operate because a fear that has been instilled in me for years. If it executes the program fully that means I draw attention to myself and my subconscious associates drawing a lot of attention myself with : Ridicule, being made fun of, being teared down, and the emotional pain associated with all those things.
Basically, my subconscious is still running on the old programming as though its still in High school and that it needs to draw as less attention to itself as possible. I got another hint of this when I felt the aura trying to project but it felt like something was "restraining" it or trying to keep it as close to my body as possible. I had thought I felt the aura projecting before but this time I was able to sense the other side of it, this idea of something trying to restrain it. I also started getting this "claustrophobic" type feeling during this time. This feeling as though I'm trying to project but the energy is being tightly restricted to my body. Anyway, that was the third reason it would seem my mind doesn't want to comply.
Might I suggest something in 3.1 that makes it so that the user cares less about the opinions of other people? I'm sure this is touched upon in someway currently but it might help if it its boosted in some way. I remember in my runs AM6 that, particularly during stage 1, that's when I would get the most interest from women. In stage 1, I would get this "I don't care about other people's opinions" type attitude and that's when I noticed the most interest. Maybe something similar could be implemented? Anyway, that's my take from what happened last night. So far, seems like 3 main reasons why my mind doesn't want to co-operate. Hope this helps with development.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - Shannon - 01-22-2017
Yes, that is helpful. Thank you for sharing that.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - Benjamin - 01-22-2017
Quote:So after a while I withdrew even further. Basically, I went to school and drew as less attention to myself as possible and then came home and basically locked myself in my room. I mostly just sat in my room, played video games, day dreamed, and listened to music. So basically, I had to deal with tearing down other people "A-holes" at school and a career oriented Feminazi mom at home. I learned the best way to deal with all this was to draw as less attention to myself as possible. There lies in the problem. It doesn't want to co-operate because a fear that has been instilled in me for years. If it executes the program fully that means I draw attention to myself and my subconscious associates drawing a lot of attention myself with : Ridicule, being made fun of, being teared down, and the emotional pain associated with all those things.
Fucking hell man... it's like you just described me back at school. My mum doesn't sound extreme like a feminazi type like that but my parents were way too overprotective which has caused it's own issues for me.
The rest though I was like "damn.."
And sometimes when I do start getting attention which has happened a few times on different subliminals, the first thing I seem to think is they are looking at me because somethings wrong with me, or that I look funny or whatever. That's even what I thought on the weekend when several girls were staring at me. And usually some type of fear shuts it down after not long which sucks. I hope DMSI can get through that for me.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - DarthXedonias - 01-23-2017
(01-22-2017, 04:36 PM)Benjamin Wrote:Quote:So after a while I withdrew even further. Basically, I went to school and drew as less attention to myself as possible and then came home and basically locked myself in my room. I mostly just sat in my room, played video games, day dreamed, and listened to music. So basically, I had to deal with tearing down other people "A-holes" at school and a career oriented Feminazi mom at home. I learned the best way to deal with all this was to draw as less attention to myself as possible. There lies in the problem. It doesn't want to co-operate because a fear that has been instilled in me for years. If it executes the program fully that means I draw attention to myself and my subconscious associates drawing a lot of attention myself with : Ridicule, being made fun of, being teared down, and the emotional pain associated with all those things.
***** hell man... it's like you just described me back at school. My mum doesn't sound extreme like a feminazi type like that but my parents were way too overprotective which has caused it's own issues for me.
The rest though I was like "damn.."
And sometimes when I do start getting attention which has happened a few times on different subliminals, the first thing I seem to think is they are looking at me because somethings wrong with me, or that I look funny or whatever. That's even what I thought on the weekend when several girls were staring at me. And usually some type of fear shuts it down after not long which sucks. I hope DMSI can get through that for me.
Thanks for the reply. Somewhat good to know I'm not the only one on this forum who has gone through something like this. I think I'm having a similar fear response to what you are saying except for in my case the fear is so strong it won't even give the script the chance to execute properly. Yeah, I might get some effects from "old people" (in other words people I don't care about anyway) while completely ignoring anyone I might be interested in. I do get the "feeling" that my mind is finding creative ways to try to resist the instructions or at least distract from them. I haven't had anything headache related for quite a while now but I feel like it might being trying another way to resist or distract from listening.
I notice this morning that I got a really big feeling of fear out of nowhere (usually a sign that that there's a internal struggle going on and that a episode is about to happen) and then 30 mins later I started to get very, very nauseous. Then a little bit after that everything just went back to normal. Then the same thing happened later this evening. Granted the one in the evening happened because I got news about another women I was interested in who I had been slowly trying to charm (with auto-pilot). Apparently, didn't get me anywhere because shes more interested in the the new guy who showed up at work. I started to get frustrated with myself because I know if I would just follow the instructions (particularly having to due with the aura) I wouldn't be striking out with the women I'm actually interested in but my subconscious is just too darn afraid (Because of the reasons I've listed) to want to co-operate. Anyway, shortly after this I started getting the nauseous feeling again but then it went away after a while.
I'm starting to think instead of the headache route my mind is going the "make him feel very very sick so we don't have to comply" route. I only think this because its become less headache route (when I was getting actual internal shifts in beliefs still) and more "make him sick and Nauseous" route (get insights as to "why" but no actual internal shifts from what I've seen so far). It feels like it has adapted to find ways to resist. Overall though I do like this version though. At least in this version I'm getting "Yeah, we aren't doing that and here's why" which is way more than what a lot of the other versions did for me. Hopefully 3.1 works out well since I remember that version will have something to not let the subconscious use "sickness" as a resistence tactic and I think I read some where it will be more adaptable as far as anti resistence tech goes. Which is something I feel like I need because this is getting ridiculous in the way my subconscious is finding ways to resist and sabotage my efforts.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - Shannon - 01-23-2017
However it tries to resist, there is a way to block it, stop it, prevent it, and reverse it. In the end, the best you will be able to do is stonewall. I don;t think you're going to stonewall, as much as you are engaging with the script.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - Shawn - 01-23-2017
(01-21-2017, 07:25 PM)DarthXedonias Wrote: I went to a private Junior high and High School and all throughout my time there I was mocked, ridiculed and made fun of due to my voice (I have a quite monotone voice). I was full of a class of guys who just ripped and teared each other down just so they could get there "15 mins" of fame by making everyone laugh at the expense of someone else. I noticed after a while I just stopped expressing myself much because every time I did I became the butt of a joke and was laughed at. It got bad at times that I just ate lunch by myself at times and tried to keep a low a profile as possible. Unfortunately, this didn't end at school. My mother is a career oriented woman who cared most about just that, her career. Didn't come to any of my graduations or parent - teacher meetings. She just wouldn't take off anytime no matter the reason. I was basically ignored most of the time (unless it had to do with something essential). Problem is when I did get any attention it was the negative kind (Blaming me for stuff, telling me how I had ***** up, on one occasion telling me she "hated me", etc).
So after a while I withdrew even further. Basically, I went to school and drew as less attention to myself as possible and then came home and basically locked myself in my room. I mostly just sat in my room, played video games, day dreamed, and listened to music. So basically, I had to deal with tearing down other people "A-holes" at school and a career oriented Feminazi mom at home. I learned the best way to deal with all this was to draw as less attention to myself as possible. There lies in the problem. It doesn't want to co-operate because a fear that has been instilled in me for years. If it executes the program fully that means I draw attention to myself and my subconscious associates drawing a lot of attention myself with : Ridicule, being made fun of, being teared down, and the emotional pain associated with all those things.
Dude, this part make me really think. I wasn't at private school and my mum is not carrier oriented, but my parents were overprotective and my mum was overcontrolling. She wanted to know it all and exactly, like, "Where are going?, When are you back? Who is there? What are you doing? When/What/Why is X or Z....?". And that not only as a child but it continued even if I was an adult. That and wanting to not get attention from the bullies - because I was the thin, weak guy - made me also wanting to be "invisible". Now, with the sexy aura of DMSI and the celebrity effect it is like you get the attention from the whole world, lol. The exact opposite.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's Exp.Journal DMSI 3.0A - DarthXedonias - 02-03-2017
Ok, though I would give an update and give some much needed feedback.
Anyway, not much in the way of external results though I have noticed some women stare at times. Only like 3, 1 of them being this one good looking Arabic chick who sits in front of me during English class. Anyway, for today I tried to see what would happen if I listened to Version B while waiting and going to English class. I only noticed two things. The first was that every time I saw a woman while listening I would feel slightly "weird" for some reason. I have no better way to describe really. The second thing I noticed is the most important. While waiting for the previous class to get out, I was sitting in the hallway and the one Arabic chick sat across from me on the opposite side. I decided to try and engage the sniper consciously by thinking of some sexual situations with her or just trying to look subtly at her and get in the mood.
Yeah, emphasis on "tried to". Something was blocking me and I think I know exactly what because the thoughts in the back of my head were like "this is wrong, etc , etc" along with feelings of guilt and shame. Apparently my mothers little indoctrination of me, which I had mentioned before as 1 of 3 reasons why my subconscious isn't cooperating, is still getting in the way majorly. The idea that I should feel guilty and shameful for having these desires and expressing them. This all because she couldn't deal with her own emotional issues concerning this subject and still pushed them on me as I was growing up and even tries to occasionally do it til this day.
Before I give an example of this I will say, since I know some will be thinking this question at the end of this story, but yes I will be moving out hopefully towards the end of this semester. I came back home after my time in the navy just to finish my degree up but I think I might still finish my degree but move out after recent events. Basically, a few weeks ago while I was still actively texting the female hispanic co-worker I was talking about in earlier entries, my mother asked me if she could use my phone so she could call my niece since her phone wasn't working at the time. I said sure and then went back to surfing the net. Apparently after her phone call she saw that I got a text message and (since I don't talk to her very much and she was getting worried for some dumb reason) she opened the text log of all my conversation with that female co-worker (which had some sexual talk and inuendo involved). She then gave me my phone back then tried to "guilt and Shame" me. There was even some fear used where she tried to say that I should watch what I say because "apparently" women can get me sent to jail for texting them the wrong way.
After that I really stopped talking to her even more and still don't talk to her really unless its needed. Of course she has "tried" to apologize but her apologies seem to be insincere. Its basically apology then afterwards trying to excuse for even more mins why she did it. This has been her MO for as long as I remember, she refuses to admit fault for anything and she is always the victim. I remember one time she even said, "I'm always right and even when I'm wrong I'm right", which of course makes no logical sense what so ever but she doesn't give a damn. Shes right, your wrong that's that. If anything bad happens to her its never because of her choices its because of someone else (White people, men, conservatives, etc). Shes also one of those type of women who will say one thing (like what she believes in) then not even minutes later do something that totally contradicts what she just said. Or she will claim you said something that you never even said. Ugh, can't wait to move out of this hell hole because it feels like not only do I have co-workers who are trying to screw me over "for my own good" but I have relatives trying to keep me from progressing in life because its "out of love for me". I call BS though.
As for my observation, It still seems to be the same. I can think sexually or daydream about a woman in my "room" but as soon as I'm in public if I try to do that or actively engage the sniper I get automatically blocked from doing so. Hopefully this will change with 3.1 but I think this version has taken me as far as its going to unless I run it for like months probably.