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+--- Thread: Findingme's Universal Detox thread (/Thread-Findingme-s-Universal-Detox-thread)
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - Shannon - 09-17-2017
(09-17-2017, 10:32 AM)Adrien Silva Wrote:(09-17-2017, 10:29 AM)Shannon Wrote: UD is a really, REALLY powerful program. That doesn't mean it is always going to be obvious. A lot of people assume that obvious = power.
The Silent Service will tell you otherwise.
UD us not necessarily always very obvious in what it does, or all of what it does, but it is very much a powerful and life changing program, if you use it as instructed.
hi shannon is everything sorted out now?
To what do you refer?
I'm waiting for something to allow me to work on the custom. I still have to repair my roof and clean up my yard after the hurricane. We are likely to see things get worse for a while for me before they get better. I am hoping I don't end up losing my home to this cycle this time...
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - findingme - 09-17-2017
(09-17-2017, 10:29 AM)Shannon Wrote: UD us not necessarily always very obvious in what it does, or all of what it does, but it is very much a powerful and life changing program, if you use it as instructed.
In light of that, I'll share what happened today.
No tears came up in my meeting. I had cried and got it out before going, and I didn't feel weepy at all in my meeting. I realized this during the meeting. What I did realize was that I was looking people in the eyes both while I was speaking, and while they were speaking. I often dodge looks while speaking, trying to hide from being noticed. Some fear is NOT in place like it was.
But what stuck with me the most happened after the meeting, as I went to my mom's to give her some money (I agreed to pay for her cell phone bill).
Well, she was drinking (which is normal), and she kept asking how to hook up her cell phone to WIFI. What I realized...........is that she was NOT hearing me. I'd say it one way, she'd act like she understood, and basically repeat the exact same question again 30 seconds later, just said differently. It took about 15 minutes before I saw a familiar pattern.
I remember tiring out people 25 years ago when I first began going to 12 step groups. I just didn't want to hear what they were saying, so I'd mentally dismiss it, and go back, spinning my questions in different ways. I was doing exactly what I saw my mom doing today.
Again, I did the same thing for many years (sponsors became a rare find for me, BTW) I NEEDED to be right (to prevent feeling shame), so I'd pursue the answer I wanted until someone might weakly give me the answer that made sense to ME. Years later I met one or two people who were more aggressive and would blow me off, ignore me, and often just completely stay away from me altogether. I've gotten used to that. I'd spin a tale in my head, make myself a victim, and in the end, all I'd do is isolate. I did this for 20+ years.
I don't have resolution on this. I am just keenly aware of it. That was me.
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - findingme - 09-17-2017
(09-17-2017, 10:29 AM)Shannon Wrote: UD is a really, REALLY powerful program. That doesn't mean it is always going to be obvious. A lot of people assume that obvious = power.
The Silent Service will tell you otherwise.
UD us not necessarily always very obvious in what it does, or all of what it does, but it is very much a powerful and life changing program, if you use it as instructed.
I will let you know I'm very encouraged by your words. I'm one of maybe 3 or 4 doing UD, and you stepping into my thread is very encouraging since it's not had much exposure or explanation. I picked it up for mental and emotional reasons, and it is SURELY paying off. Thank you for building this! I'd guess it's almost a trial E3!
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - findingme - 09-18-2017
I got very pissed today, and I'm one who normally suppresses or doesn't express anger very much, outwardly. What I normally do is push it inside, and I begin blaming myself for keeping it inside, so inevitably I point it towards myself.
Today, I didn't point it towards myself, and I also haven't thrown it at someone wrongly. I'm mad at a trader I hired who thinks manipulating me for more deposit money is ok. It sounded like the message of a thief, and I told him. I've been lied to before in business deals, and this sounded very, very shady. I told him that too. Anyone at anytime, anywhere, who insists on more money for a first trade is, to me, desperate and untrustworthy.
He kept it up. I told him I would not repeat myself. He threw it at me differently maybe 4 times. I told him no again. And again...........
His last request was 10 minutes ago. Upon writing this thread, I let him know if he made one more request, I'd block him from contacting me, less email. I told him I'd not do business from anyone, anywhere, at any time who does not hear my "no". My money is in the brokerage, and I'm done doing business with him once this trade is finished.
I put myself in a bad spot (hoping/fantasizing it'd turn out ok), and I am done being manipulated via fear by anyone anymore. I trusted him too easily, and his dishonesty I don't want to be involved with.
Note: I didn't even tell my coworker, although I was steaming and visibly angry. My habit is to defer to others, some who I'm fearful of when they get angry. My coworker fits this mold, so I didn't share it with him. I didn't want HIM taking over my problem since I've played "nice" or submissive with him multiple times. I didn't want to make him the focus of my anger. So, I didn't share it with him.
Edit. A major reason I've been susceptible to deception or manipulation is I've been nice. Nice meaning afraid of my anger. It's just pissed me off today
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - findingme - 09-19-2017
I'm feeling sad now. I'll write and find out my train of thought.
I read this morning on investing, which I know I've needed to. From reading that, my mind has been going on, seeking an answer to "what am I looking for?" Some is related to Rule 4 stuff, yet a lot is in my present lifestyle. I believe I am creating my present emotional state from daily choices, financial decisions, and choices to not seek more understanding from others who may help me. I don't like writing so vaguely anymore--going to try being specific now.
For example, I spoke to a man after Sunday's meeting, who has experience in recovery and in owning and running a business--which are both attractive to me. We'd read something in the meeting about getting a sponsor, I spoke to him about it after, he said we could try it...........(and I'm trying to hide from myself in this). I am so used to putting imagined walls of fear around me when relating to strong(er) males. He's not scary--I'd just be letting go of my "norm". That's the real issue; giving up control of myself, as I imagine me doing that to feel safe in any relationship. I'll text him today (yep, the "safer" way :-)) But I'm trying to open the door.
I started this thread saying I was sad. I was still thinking of something I'd imagined earlier. I think I'm detoxing from the belief "to protect myself, I need to keep EVERYONE out!" Maybe, just maybe, that is being worked on. Being afraid of being hurt is toxic when held long-term. I've not had major realizations in the last 18 hours, but I did sleep longer than normal this morning, I'm excreting normally, my gut isn't locked up, and emotionally, I want to head that direction. (Resistance cried out when writing that last part, but it's not as powerful as it used to be.)
Edit: Upon waking up this morning, I had a lingering sadness in me. As the day's gone on, it's like I'm letting go of something, literally. The sadness is evidence of that. Everytime I've thought about writing here (numerous times), it's been with this deep, real sadness that I've wanted to let out, but...(being fearful of rejection), I've not shared it. That is what's on my mind. I'm in circumstances financially and socially where I'd normally hide, deny, or run away, but... I'm actually choosing to go into those circumstances. It sounds strange, because for me, it is. I am hopeful since I've seen other sub users have low days too, and bounce back soon after they allowed it to happen. I'm allowing it.
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - findingme - 09-21-2017
I'm going through changes and awarenesses. A lot of them. I feel most proud (?) of realizing something an hour ago. I've been seeing it a lot in my life everywhere.
I was at the grocery store to get some stuff. I am seeing my body language, people's reactions, and I'm seeing it in my heart of hearts: I'm so very disconnected from meaningful relationships. I noticed I was "proud" as I left, thinking I looked good, that noone knew me.
I noticed it as I got back on my scooter, my "leave me alone" machine. I get to hide from interaction under a front of "I'm saving money". Even while getting my gear on to ride, I knew I'd carried a pride for many years that "you can't come close to me (the real me)". It's a protective front, for I feel it nearly every time I ride.
I was at work today feeling some of the effects of this attitude. I worked mostly with a new guy, so I got to put on a "I'm intelligent and curious" persona to promote intelligent conversation. However, when I saw some guys throughout the day, I felt invisible. I've communicated "I don't get close to ANYBODY", and most respect that. One or 2 throw jabs when they see me, as I light up thinking "someone's noticing me", but they're just toying with me, testing me in front of others.
And last night I shared this during my share in my ACA 12 step study. We're in our 4th step, and we were answering questions on PTSD symptoms. Most had paired PTSD with war violence. I've known I've had slight symptoms from childhood for years. And though I'd not done my homework, I shared.
The event that triggered it: being in that very room at that very moment, with people nearby.
I connected it to being 12 years old, seeking my mom's attention since my brother had done something very bad to me. She was emotionally gone, unavailable for any of my needs. And she was the ONLY one I thought I could turn to.
I responded by being numb, then feeling alone, with noone to help me with my pain.
I felt the pain of emotional abandonment and ultimately tried to deny it.
I withdrew from people. For months.
I realized now I still do this. I gather in a room with emotional people, and I think "noone will help me". I hide my pain from myself, keep it inside, and my internal hell grows. I linked this to a situation I'd experienced that very day, one which greatly distressed me, but once I got in the meeting, I instantly..........shut it down.
But once I began sharing, it all came out. I cried twice during my share, sharing I had no healthy relationships I maintained. And as I shared, I felt sane. I felt real. I'd been honest. I didn't hate myself for keeping it all inside. I'd shared me.
The main reason I went was to be around safe people when I felt like I was reliving a hell from childhood, a relationship with a user. Going and telling my story helped A LOT.
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - Shawn - 09-22-2017
' Wrote:I was at the grocery store to get some stuff. I am seeing my body language, people's reactions, and I'm seeing it in my heart of hearts: I'm so very disconnected from meaningful relationships. I noticed I was "proud" as I left, thinking I looked good, that noone knew me.
I noticed it as I got back on my scooter, my "leave me alone" machine. I get to hide from interaction under a front of "I'm saving money". Even while getting my gear on to ride, I knew I'd carried a pride for many years that "you can't come close to me (the real me)". It's a protective front, for I feel it nearly every time I ride.
I hear you man, especially the bold parts really click to me. Even if it is not money for me but I am not sure what it really is.
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - findingme - 09-23-2017
Concerning the masks I've hidden behind, I had a refreshing experience today. I've shared I've often BS'd myself and others, mostly unaware when it was happening, as if I were on autopilot.
I was in a meeting today, one I've been in almost 2 years now. What was really (positively) different was that my sharing came naturally. I led this meeting, I'd done these same questions before.......but I was much more inclined to be honest. I wanted, and even needed that. If I were sitting on the side observing me, I'd think "where'd that come from?"
It was nothing earth-shattering or dramatic on the outside. I just spit out quickly how the questions related to me NOW. I then saw so clearly how some I've known for a while kept drifting back to what I call "scripted responses", which I've heard numerous times and done myself, for years. For the first 10 minutes, I toyed with being annoyed with it. It faded as I had a little party inside, feeling I'd done something quite miraculous, for me.
I felt so relaxed and comfortable sharing this last week's experiences in light of the questions. I celebrated inside :-). I still feel amazed at it--for I've wanted freedom from my self-dishonesty FOR YEARS. That was a great and memorable experience!
Life changes when I get honest. Wow :-) Great sub Shannon! Thank you for making this one!
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - findingme - 09-24-2017
2 things happened today. I have no defined "box" to put these in, so I'm just going to share them.
First off, I've been wanting to clean out my place. I've been fearful of letting stuff go--lots of old family stuff, feelings (or memories of feelings) have been attached to everything--stuffed animals, shoes from my daughter when she was 6-7 years old, .............lots of memories. Lots of feelings. If I could have had my daughter young forever, I'd have it (I think). She's 12 now.
To share how me and my ex are both similar and different, I loved it when my daughter was young. I played with her (I was often her butler), and I knew her growing up would challenge me. In contrast, my ex-wife never liked my daughter's playfulness, and rejected her overtly and subtly. I saw it hurt my daughter many times, losing her innocence.
Now my daughter's 12, and my ex is her "friend" now. No boundaries (I'm exaggerating some), but she allows almost anything. Cussing.....all of it. But my ex models it to her.
I'm playing the "victim" violin now. Ugg.
Anyway--what I did today. I had my van filled with half of my entire place, all which went to Goodwill. I was NOT emotionally resistant to do this today. I can walk in my room now :-) I boxed stuff 3 weeks ago. I put more stuff in, filled up our trash and recycle bins, filled up my van, and dropped it off at Goodwill. I like it A LOT.
Something else--which feels strangely similar. I was at a meeting today, and a guy I've wanted to get to know spoke with me after, very unexpectedly. I've wanted feedback to know I was heard (from sharings I've done weeks earlier), and he shared in 5 minutes how we both had sick mothers who are not caring for themselves. He shared how removing himself from contact with his mom has given him peace. He shared that I shouldn't just "cut her off cold", as he spoke with his wife and others in recovery before doing so, but it has worked for him.
It was funny, kind of, as I had my laundry in my van, as I'd planned on going there after the meeting to do my laundry (that's when he cautioned me about making snap decisions, since I told him). He left, I'd planned on going.......... but I was tired. So tired that I stayed in my van and napped 30 minutes, right there in my seat.
I woke up. I felt tired, and...kind of grumpy about me "committing" to go. I imagined (and had been imagining) her getting drunker and drunker just since I was there. I also realized.....I could wash a single set of clothes when home in a storage bin (done it before). I realized I'd been shown I could cancel. I'd been shown that by my "sudden" exhaustion. So I texted my mom, told her I was exhausted, and wouldn't be going over today. My tiredness was my gift to cancel!
So, today I felt like I got rid of some trash today; some physical, and some mental. I'd not done either of those before so easily.
I'm still sitting here thinking "did this REALLY happen to me today?" Sweet :-)
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - findingme - 09-28-2017
I want to ask a question. Does Universal detox have an aura, or any Aura Scripts? I asked since I'm normally one to hide when going into grocery stores and such. I'm just seeing that people take notice of me more, and I'm not quite getting it. Seriously, hiding from attention, mostly imagined criticism, has been my habitual lifestyle. So I'm not sure how to understand what I'm experiencing.
It's strange to me, but a little bit refreshing. Seriously, I go into stores, start getting looks, and think what did I do to deserve this? I mention this because it's both men and women. There is a air of respect I'm receiving, and I'm not sure why. Feeling undeserving is what's run me. Made me tear up when writing this.
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - Shannon - 09-28-2017
(09-28-2017, 10:29 AM)findingme Wrote: I want to ask a question. Does Universal detox have an aura, or any Aura Scripts? I asked since I'm normally one to hide when going into grocery stores and such. I'm just seeing that people take notice of me more, and I'm not quite getting it. Seriously, hiding from attention, mostly imagined criticism, has been my habitual lifestyle. So I'm not sure how to understand what I'm experiencing.
It's strange to me, but a little bit refreshing. Seriously, I go into stores, start getting looks, and think what did I do to deserve this? I mention this because it's both men and women. There is a air of respect I'm receiving, and I'm not sure why. Feeling undeserving is what's run me. Made me tear up when writing this.
No aura unless you overflow on the energy it's sourcing to power itself, and then it will bleed out into your natural aura. The way it's designed, that seems very unlikely. The result you describe goes along with freeing yourself from the chains you were carrying before.
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - findingme - 09-28-2017
Shannon, I'm getting pissed. Rightfully so. Two different people in my life are using me, One is abusing me emotionally, and in both, I have allowed it. I'm getting pissed off, real pissed off. One, a Trader, I messaged tonight since he's not paid me and a business partner. That's b*******. Nothing but b*******. The other I will stand up to, but I'm not sure how, since it's my daughter who is only 12. I thought I should let you know that this is cleaning out my acceptance of b*******. Freaking anger is a good thing. I will not b******* anymore. I do not want to be misused. I'm responsible and not freaking sure how to fix it yet.
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - LionKing - 09-28-2017
If you default has been to hide from attention, and you stop or lessen that, its going to feel like you're getting more attention since you're not blocking the new normal interest from others to you, or from you to others - my guess.
RE: Findingme's Ultimate Detox thread - Benjamin - 09-28-2017
The last post, though there's alot of anger it sounds like progress. It reminds me of AM when I first did it.
I started getting frustrated and angry at the way certain people treated me. And the beneficial thing of that was it was what got me to start to stand up to them and be assertive, which I had found difficult before that.. but it made my anger enough that I started doing it. In the end that evened out and I started getting alot more respect from those people.
So it may not be such a bad thing.