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+--- Thread: Alpha Female: Melissa's Journal (/Thread-Alpha-Female-Melissa-s-Journal)
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RE: Alpha Female: Melissa's Journal - Sphe - 10-16-2019
Day 14 / stage 2
I'm feeling better. I'm emotionally stable. Yesterday I had an issue with my mother. I'd loaned her some money and she'd agreed to pay it back on a specific day. She didn't, and it fell apon me to remind her about it, which I hate doing. I feel like if I had the decency to loan you anything, for that matter, you the borrower should make it a point to return whatever it is to me, without any hassles or prompting from me. Anyway, money is a touchy subject with my mother (she's a master of emotional blackmail, and uses religion to force her agendas on others) so in the past I'd let the debts go unpaid, while silently stewing in anger and resentment toward her for failing to honour her word, and myself for not standing up for myself or just telling her no in the first place. Yesterday though, I felt angry, so angry that I couldn't focus on anything else and I felt a literal gnawing feeling inside my chest until I confronted her in person and told her she owed me X amount of money and It had to be paid on the day. I felt relieved after that and got my money back. Although I'm still struggling with saying no to people and the feelings of guilt that come with it, or just speaking up when I feel I'm being treated unfairly, this is definitely a step in the right direction. There are a number of subs that I am interested in trying, but I realised that it wouldn't be a good idea to try "become a millionaire" or "develop an aura of sexiness", for example, without a proper foundation and skill set to handle those situations. I need to develop a strong sense of self before embarking on the outer and material things.
xxxxxxx
RE: Alpha Female: Melissa's Journal - Z-Man - 10-16-2019
Keep it up. It seems like you are growing. Getting better every time .
RE: Alpha Female: Melissa's Journal - Sphe - 10-25-2019
Day 23/ stage 2
I was basically hounded for an update, imagine a publisher demanding a new book from an author, even though I told him
I wasn't an avid diary keeper.
It's been a roller-coaster for the past few weeks. Mood changes a few times a day. I could wake up feeling lively and ready to tackle the day, by mid-day I might be apathetic, possibly have a cry in the evening, and then back to feeling upbeat just before bed. Some days I feel down from start to finish. Some days (though fewer) I'm just zen and optimistic.
My motivation to stay on the straight and narrow (where nutrition is concerned) has waned and I'd been doing so well! Hopefully I'll be out of the woods and resume normalcy soon. Rome wasn't built in a day yeah?
RE: Alpha Female: Melissa's Journal - Z-Man - 10-25-2019
Melissa,
It is ok to cry it helps with emotions and helps you grow. You are only in stage 2. Like Rome wasn't build in a day. You will get there. Just keep going. It must be great being zen & optimistic.
RE: Alpha Female: Melissa's Journal - Benjamin - 10-25-2019
Sphe, please keep in mind rule 15.. as it makes it more difficult to read with all different formatting.
Quote:15. Reasonable Formatting Of Posts
Do not make your posts ALL CAPS, do not use CaMeL cAsE, do not uze 133t hax0r 5p33k, do not use unusually large or unusually small font sizes, do not use unusual text colors (black is fine) and do not use bold, italics or underlines except as a normal way of emphasizing something. All of these things make your post difficult and annoying to read, and are unnecessary.
RE: Alpha Female: Melissa's Journal - Sphe - 10-28-2019
(10-25-2019, 03:48 PM)Z-Man Wrote: Melissa,
It is ok to cry it helps with emotions and helps you grow. You are only in stage 2. Like Rome wasn't build in a day. You will get there. Just keep going. It must be great being zen & optimistic.
I'll be sure to pass this on.
RE: Alpha Female: Melissa's Journal - Sphe - 10-28-2019
(10-25-2019, 04:03 PM)Benjamin Wrote: Sphe, please keep in mind rule 15.. as it makes it more difficult to read with all different formatting.
Quote:15. Reasonable Formatting Of Posts
Do not make your posts ALL CAPS, do not use CaMeL cAsE, do not uze 133t hax0r 5p33k, do not use unusually large or unusually small font sizes, do not use unusual text colors (black is fine) and do not use bold, italics or underlines except as a normal way of emphasizing something. All of these things make your post difficult and annoying to read, and are unnecessary.
[Face palm] I'm in the habit of copying and pasting straight from the word docs I'm sent. I'll be more mindful.
RE: Alpha Female: Melissa's Journal - Benjamin - 10-29-2019
All good, thanks.
RE: Alpha Female: Melissa's Journal - Sphe - 11-03-2019
Stage 3/ day 1
Today marks the first day of stage 3, and I'm struggling with the feeling of inadequacy. It comes in waves. Sometimes I think I deserve to be happy, to do what my heart truly desires, and other times I think I shouldn't be aiming so high because I don't "qualify" or have what it takes to have certain things. I've struggled with it for as long as I can remember, and I've lost out on so many great opportunities and experiences because I wanted to wait until I was good enough to take action. I'm my biggest saboteur, and it's frightening because I can't run away from myself. Day in and day out I'm stuck with this "person" who won't let me live a meaningful life... I sincerely hope that AF helps me get over it once and for all.