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+--- Thread: Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal (/Thread-Transcendent-Sith-Lord-s-DMSI-3-3-D-Journal)
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - Benjamin - 03-30-2018
Quote:I'm not sure if this is outcome independence or apathy. It doesn't feel like apathy much because apathy has this kind of "dreary" feel to it. This feels like some zen, silent confidence type of thing that is going on
I've had a few times where I thought I didn't really care anymore, on UD this happened. I was obsessing less about girls, but when I realized it was apathy was that when I was out somewhere and would see girls the same old feelings were coming up, fear and annoyance and such.
I think that's the difference. If this carries out to actual interactions or when around girls then it's more legit.
The zen, silent confidence sounds awesome though and like it's real in this case, as opposed to apathy.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 03-30-2018
(03-30-2018, 04:23 PM)Benjamin Wrote:Quote:I'm not sure if this is outcome independence or apathy. It doesn't feel like apathy much because apathy has this kind of "dreary" feel to it. This feels like some zen, silent confidence type of thing that is going on
I've had a few times where I thought I didn't really care anymore, on UD this happened. I was obsessing less about girls, but when I realized it was apathy was that when I was out somewhere and would see girls the same old feelings were coming up, fear and annoyance and such.
I think that's the difference. If this carries out to actual interactions or when around girls then it's more legit.
The zen, silent confidence sounds awesome though and like it's real in this case, as opposed to apathy.
Yeah, that's what I wondered about but I'm starting to think its the real deal despite it feeling "weird" to me (probably cause I'm not use to it yet). For example, after the movie I was talking to this guy and this girl in the break room at the old job (at the theater). At one point I tried to concentrate on the girl who is "ok" (probably like a 6.5/10, maybe a 6) to see if their was any reaction. After like a few quick seconds its like I just said in my mind, "I'm not interested at all" and I just stopped and didn't give a shit afterwards. Before on other versions I would constantly be looking for reactions that the sub was working now I really, really don't care. I can try to consciously try to look for them but give up I literally have no feeling about the result whatsoever. I will keep an eye on this though as I'm not sure if this is resistance to the degree of "well, I will just keep the aura from firing by making my standards too high".
With that said I think there is something I need to inform Shannon about that if true might be a huge problem/loophole that might need to be closed or it might potential cause problems in the future. I'm not totally "sure" about this and might need a few more weeks to confirm but feel like I should report this anyway. Even though I have come to terms with this, due to 3.2A, internally I still have some slight discomfort admitting this to other people but I feel it needs to be detailed so the whole situation can be analyzed and assessed.
Anyway, I came to terms with the fact earlier this week that, like Sarge, I am "slightly" Bi. My caveat being that this "bi" tendency seems to be only towards what people would call "traps". I'm fine with this seeing as I would say I am overwhelmingly attracted to just women and this seems to just be a slight add on to that. The thing is though, I have reason to believe based on something that happened today and then having some introspection that this might be my subconscious playing games. Not necessarily on the whole Bi thing as an whole but I think it might be using it as an escape route. Basically, "Well, I know your a lot more into women but I'm going to make the standards for women very high so they don't get affected by the aura but lower it for men,subconsciously, because I'm more afraid of women". I hope that makes sense. It has ran across my mind that I could simply be so afraid of women,subconsciously, that I rather change my sexual interests than have to execute on women. Like I said though, its not confirmed for me but it is something that I'm starting to believe is going on. I know you try not to "step on people's toes", as you said before, with what you put in the subs but I do think it might need to be looked into because if true I could see it causing problems of not really getting what you want out of the program and settling for less out of fear.
I do have a question but I will ask that in the Discussion Journal instead. As for other things that have gone on I did look at porn again today after not doing so since a few days before 3.2A released. I did notice that I had a lot more sensitivity but noticed something more interesting. I had some anger afterwards, partly from failing to keep myself from watching it but this anger was really pathetic. It was like I consciously on so part needed to remain angry and I couldn't even do that for more than a few mins. This anger like I said was pathetic when compared to the anger I used to have. It felt like a match compared to a bonfire. After a while I just said, I'm not angry and I just stopped. It felt just stupid being angry for failing. Interestingly I just said well I will just keep on trying and trying to not give into bad habits to the best of my ability. This was a way different reaction than what I am use to and don't know where this came from.
In regards to my past I can really get angry or even think about it honestly. Its just like with when I tried E2 that one time. Its like something in my mind keeps me from consciously even trying to think about it. I think the thing that resolved it was it was like I went back to the memories with a new perspective on it and noticed certain sub communication that was going on. I realized that many of the people that abused me were weak and pathetic (harsh words but that's what my mind came up with). If someone if going to abuse you without cause it just shows that their weak and have their own insecurities that they refuse to deal with and rather cover them up by raising their value of themselves artificially by putting down some unsuspecting person. They don't want to work hard to become strong they want to tear down someone else for a momentary feeling of being strong.
After my mind realized that it felt like most issues were resolved. This has been reflected in the way I treat the part of me that is resisting. If it tries to bring up one those memories (which it rarely can now) I just laugh and put it on ignore. If I can't stand that weakness in others why would I accept that own weakness from a part of my own mind? Also, that memory is not that person. For all I know that person right now might be a totally different person now or not even alive any more. It nothing but an ghost of someone else that I've been fighting for all these years. I think if I keep up with this for a bit longer and keep track with listening to the sub I should be fine by the end of April I think.
Anyway, that's all for now.Will see you guys later
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 03-31-2018
well, went to the movies again. Partly because I'm getting bored staying at home and also to see if anything has changed.
Went to see the new Tomb Raider movie, which I would also highly recommend. It was pretty good and you will like it if you like the old Indiana Jones movies. I would probably give it a 8.5 or 9 out of 10. As for my experience I once again had someone use their pass so I didn't have to use my free movie pass. Also, got Free popcorn again and only had to pay for the drink. Didn't really notice anything out of the ordinary. I saw some girls working their that I knew from when I worked there. Just wasn't interested at all really. I saw this one chick who works there who had a banging but who use to get me hot and bothered to a degree but this time.. eh I noticed a little extra heat but not much. I noticed a little bit of heat around that girl and another one but other than that nothing. While I was walking back to my car I saw a woman with huge tits walking with another woman. Usually huge tits are a huge turn on for me but all I felt was maybe a "little" bit of attraction and a "little" more heat in my body than with the junk in the trunk girl.
At this point I can only guess a few things: (1) What I said in my previous post might be right, (2) As a way of resisting my subconscious has risen my standards to such ridiculous levels that it will be hard for the aura to even fire, and/or (3) As a way of resisting my subconscious has pretty much killed my desire for women or sex drive so that the aura doesn't fire at all. Like with previously I might try looking for a reaction for a couple of seconds but after that I just lose interested and don't care "at all". Its like with most of the women I have ran into I just don't care. I can understand being non-needy and being outcome independent but it feels like this might have pushed this way too far to the point where the aura won't fire because I don't care one iota. Unless something changes in the next 2 weeks or so I might just come to the conclusion that this is resistance messing with my sex drive/desire and raising my standards so darn high that the aura just won't snipe someone. If this turns out to be true then that will be unfortunate because I feel pretty darn good internally but when it comes to getting the Aura to work my mind just seems to do whatever it can to make sure no one gets sniped in the first place.
Well, at least I'm still getting free stuff and I have feel good about myself now. Just need to get that internal stuff to start showing up. Almost forgot as well, had some random guy after I saw the movie and went to the lobby come up and talk to me for a good couple of mins. So, it seems like the celebrity effect seems to be working but anything sexual seems to not be working at all. Also, had previous co-workers go the extra mile to try and see if they could do stuff for me.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 04-01-2018
well, actually been feeling a lot better lately. I have noticed a few internal things that happened been major shifts to me personally:
Staying at home: I've noticed a lot more discontent at staying at home most of the time so I think I'm going to be trying to figure out things I can do to go out more. Interestingly enough I'm actually finding it more interesting to be out and about with people.This is a big change from before and I somewhat like it. I just need to figure out how what hobbies I should take up in order to get out the house more.
Fear: I think it has been majorly dealt with in a significant way. I finally realized that fear is not good and not objective at all. It can screw with your sense of objectively in that it makes things seem more dangerous or bad than they are. It can even keep you from taking advantage of opportunities that present themselves or even not recognize them as opportunities to begin with. I think it was mentioned before that very successful people usual see opportunities where other people see a lost cause or something not even worth it due to their fear. I'm happy to say that due to all this I think my PTSD has been dealt with. I haven't had symptom pop up in like 2-3 days now. I will of course keep up with the sub to make sure this is a permanent recovery and it lasts.
"Not Caring": Hmm originally, I was worried about this and still might think this might be a issue that might need to be addressed but I'm starting to look at it from another perspective. As in maybe the reason I'm finding this so weird is because we have been indoctrinated as men by society at large to be the ones always interested in sex and the ones that always have to pursue. It could be said to some degree in a relationship that the one that cares the least is usually the one that has the most power because they can leave at anytime and not think about it much after all where as the one that cares the most has a harder time leaving a bad deal. Its seems to help you with not putting up with BS, time wasters, or drama queens either because your not that invested in the first place so you don't have much to lose. Though I do feel this does need to be properly calibrate because as I'm seeing it right now it might cause the aura not to snipe that many women because you just don't care.
Social Anxiety: There is none at all. If I'm talking to someone and theres a pause in the conversation I don't dwell on it much and at those times I don't feel any fear. I might feel a mild "discomfort" for like a sec but nothing else. Usually I find something to talk about soon afterwards and rather quickly because I'm not in my head thinking of what to talk about. I actually thought about that time yesterday when some random guy came up to me and started talking to me. I actually had a decent conversation with him and at no point was I in my head. I actually felt at ease and kept the conversation going. It was entertaining actually.
Planning for the future: I've actually been looking at a lot of stuff recently and financial investments I can do once I get the six figure job I'm aiming for. At this moment I'm planning on maybe working at that job, and doing some investments for the next 2-5 years then moving out of the country. I'm looking at mainly east Asia at the moment. Mainly countries I'm looking at are Thailand, and the Philippines. If I choose a western country though I'm looking at primarily New Zealand and "maybe" Australia though with Australia I'm not too sure seeing as I've heard SJWism/Feminism is getting pretty big over there. I'm looking at mainly the third world because I want to afford a higher standard of living and have a better social life than in the states at the moment. Also I see East Asia being more economically successful in the future than a lot of western coutnries at this time. Along those lines I'm also thinking of moving because I have to face it the US had its time. With the amount of money printing the US Fed has been doing there is no recovery really after all that. Sooner or later there is going to be a high amount of inflation due to all this and just recently I read China is planning on buying its imported oil with the Yuan instead of US dollars. Many countries are already planning to do the same so this idea that the US can just keep the petro dollar forever is just faulty to me. Lastly, this 9-5 job BS we have in the states just isn't for me. I want to actually enjoy my life and not spend my entire time working up some corporate later.
Overall, really liking the internal results so far. Just hoping I will get to the point where I start seeing more sexual type external results from women. Hopefully, something will change by like the 30 day mark.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - Shannon - 04-04-2018
Quote:"Not Caring": Hmm originally, I was worried about this and still might think this might be a issue that might need to be addressed but I'm starting to look at it from another perspective. As in maybe the reason I'm finding this so weird is because we have been indoctrinated as men by society at large to be the ones always interested in sex and the ones that always have to pursue. It could be said to some degree in a relationship that the one that cares the least is usually the one that has the most power because they can leave at anytime and not think about it much after all where as the one that cares the most has a harder time leaving a bad deal. Its seems to help you with not putting up with BS, time wasters, or drama queens either because your not that invested in the first place so you don't have much to lose. Though I do feel this does need to be properly calibrate because as I'm seeing it right now it might cause the aura not to snipe that many women because you just don't care.
I think this part is at least partially an effort to self sabotage.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 04-04-2018
(04-04-2018, 11:25 AM)Shannon Wrote:Quote:"Not Caring": Hmm originally, I was worried about this and still might think this might be a issue that might need to be addressed but I'm starting to look at it from another perspective. As in maybe the reason I'm finding this so weird is because we have been indoctrinated as men by society at large to be the ones always interested in sex and the ones that always have to pursue. It could be said to some degree in a relationship that the one that cares the least is usually the one that has the most power because they can leave at anytime and not think about it much after all where as the one that cares the most has a harder time leaving a bad deal. Its seems to help you with not putting up with BS, time wasters, or drama queens either because your not that invested in the first place so you don't have much to lose. Though I do feel this does need to be properly calibrate because as I'm seeing it right now it might cause the aura not to snipe that many women because you just don't care.
I think this part is at least partially an effort to self sabotage.
Thanks for weighing in on this because I've been confused for the last week as to if this was self sabotage or not. I mean the fact that it was causing women not to be sniped made me think it was resistance but I wasn't sure. In away I guess this should be good news as in that this means that I'm right there close to executing in a way. The fact that its pulling the plug on desire itself probably tells me that if it didn't do that then it would have no way to stop women from being sniped according to the script. It can't resist the rest of the script so it went for any sexual desire towards women to begin with to sabotage the whole thing.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - Shannon - 04-04-2018
(04-04-2018, 12:20 PM)DarthXedonias Wrote:(04-04-2018, 11:25 AM)Shannon Wrote:Quote:"Not Caring": Hmm originally, I was worried about this and still might think this might be a issue that might need to be addressed but I'm starting to look at it from another perspective. As in maybe the reason I'm finding this so weird is because we have been indoctrinated as men by society at large to be the ones always interested in sex and the ones that always have to pursue. It could be said to some degree in a relationship that the one that cares the least is usually the one that has the most power because they can leave at anytime and not think about it much after all where as the one that cares the most has a harder time leaving a bad deal. Its seems to help you with not putting up with BS, time wasters, or drama queens either because your not that invested in the first place so you don't have much to lose. Though I do feel this does need to be properly calibrate because as I'm seeing it right now it might cause the aura not to snipe that many women because you just don't care.
I think this part is at least partially an effort to self sabotage.
Thanks for weighing in on this because I've been confused for the last week as to if this was self sabotage or not. I mean the fact that it was causing women not to be sniped made me think it was resistance but I wasn't sure. In away I guess this should be good news as in that this means that I'm right there close to executing in a way. The fact that its pulling the plug on desire itself probably tells me that if it didn't do that then it would have no way to stop women from being sniped according to the script. It can't resist the rest of the script so it went for any sexual desire towards women to begin with to sabotage the whole thing.
Every step forward, resistance must fall back and take a different path. And as we close the gate on each way, the end result will be a smooth wall with no cracks, and the option to execute being all that's left. So we keep going. We're not done yet though.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 04-05-2018
Well, the getting "free stuff" keeps on coming.
Earlier this week went to the theater again and even though I had to use one of my free movie passes this time (Someone I didn't talk to and see that much was the one that processed my ticket at the counter) I still got a free pop corn at the concession stand. This was from a guy who I barely worked and barely said 3 words to while I worked there. I was about to pay for a medium but he asked if I wanted the free large refill bag. He said you could do it for your friends as well which is weird seeing as I barely talked to this guy at all. I ended up talking to him for a bit along with a few other people. Also the girl with a nice ass was working there as well. This time she seemed to stop to get involved in a conversation I had with 2 different people 2 different times.
A lot of the time I get this "sense" that some women (her included) are attracted but something feels off. Its hard to explain. I think it might be the fact that this resistant "I don't care attitude" is artificially lowering how much they are getting sniped. So they are still getting sniped but to whole lesser degree than they should. I remember before 3.2 I was very often checking out her fine backside but now its like I don't really care all that much and if I do try to stare at her backside like before I don't really feel anything. Before I would often get this attraction and feeling of horniness, now its nothing. I should mentioned though that when I was down stairs getting my ticket while I was at the counter this other woman was at the counter with me waiting for her turn. I found this weird since usually you wait at the opening to the line a few feet from the front of the counter. She was standing somewhat close (you would have thought she was with me if you were passing by) and from what I could see from the corner of my eye she was looking pretty much directly in my direction while I waited to get my ticket.
Another thing I have noticed that has kept going on is that I have no social anxiety and actually look forward to talking to people now. When I go to the theater its like I will try to talk to a whole bunch of people (like when I was talking to that guy at concessions that I barely talked to before) and actually enjoy it. I actually seem to enjoy myself more when I go outside now than staying in. Only thing now is I won't be able to go out as much since I'm going to be low on money for the next 2 weeks or so. Either way I did go to the vape store yesterday and actually started a conversation with one of the guys of my own initiative which is not normal for me at all. The owner also said his goodbyes to me by name as I walked out of the store even though I didn't even talk to him the entire time.
Also, went to Jack in the Box this morning, kind of at the last moment and noticed included with my order was a order of small fries which I didn't order at all. So still seem to get free shit when I go out and people wanting to talk to me. Just seems like the sexual side of things is lacking which I put down now to my "don't care attitude" artificially lowering how much women get sniped. Another thing I've noticed is I've stopped going to a discord server that I use to frequent for a couple of months now. I stopped pretty much as soon as I got on A version. I had been watching some MGTOW content to see what they were about since I was under the TID of 3.2 before it came out. Yeah, I learned some interesting things that I hadn't thought about before (even though I wouldn't have considered myself part of that group before hand) but after I got started on version A I didn't feel comfortable being on there anymore and thought they were way too toxic after a while.
I get it "legal" marriage is a stupid and bad deal for man in this day and age. I think most guys on here would agree to that and probably know some male relative or friend who got raked over the coals in the bias family court system. They also said their "way of life" (I will get to that in a moment) is simply a man trying to find his own way through life and doing what makes him happy instead of finding that purpose in women, which once again I think most guys would agree with. In pratice though I think it finds much to be desired. I noticed the whole time I was there self actualization would be talked about maybe 10% of the time, the other 90% of the time felt like it was just nothing but blaming women for most of the problems in western countries. After a while that gets really old and you start to realize its less about self actualization most of the time.
Also, even though they aren't fully like third way feminist I started to notice that they still had some of the same stuff. Case in point they will try to say MGTOW isn't a ideology and more of a way of life or life style choice but I noticed this one thing they would bring up that was the same thing I was seeing on the other side. Just like if you say your for equality but aren't a feminist and then a feminist will claim you are a feminist because you believe in equality I noticed a lot of the time they would do the same stuff. They would often say there are guys who are MGTOW but don't know it because they don't get married and sometimes won't cohabitate with a women. Seems like the same kind of reasoning to me. Also, someone might call themselves MGTOW but if they don't follow , for example, the cohabitation tenet they will get screamed at for not being a "real" MGTOW. Same way if a second way feminist doesn't agree with current feminist at all she will be screamed at for not being a "real" feminist.
Either way I feel like too many of these Ideologies or , if you use the weasel word, "way of lifes" seem to be ways for people to feel like they belong with a certain community, which I find not to be bad in of itself but it feels like too many people try to derive this meaning for their life from them instead of reaching for self actualization and self mastery. Besides, if your all about self actualization and self mastery why would you need a "way of life", group , or movement to accomplish this anyway. I don't know but I feel since I've been running version A and getting a lot more selfs (Self validation, self confidance, self esteem, etc) I've been distancing myself from any groups at all (actually started somewhat on 3.1) and trying to find more meaning from myself than trying to find that with a group. I can still agree with other "groups" about issues but I see that as more of my opinion aligning with that specific group than me having to be a part of that group or movement if that makes sense. Version A has made me realize that I don't need anyone else, or any group for that matter to complete me. So, I think I just try to stay away from any so called "redpilled" stuff for now on. I think It was Ben who said that they might have some good stuff to say every now and then but it feels like most of the time its less about self help type stuff and more about blaming women all the time.
In conclusion though even if I don't get the external results I want from 3.2 and have to wait for 3.3 to address some of the issues I'm having I'm still enjoying this ride so far for all the internal changes. I think those internal changes by themselves will vastly prepare me to probably start off 3.3 with the external changes I want.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 04-09-2018
Well, definitely have some evidence now that I'm still resisting to a degree.
Went to the gas station yesterday to pick up some snacks and at this gas station is mainly females that work there. Not the best looking females mind you but there is one that works there that even though shes probably in her mid to late 40s she actually still looks pretty good and has a kind of happy/social personality to her. I have noticed ever since I've stopped by there since starting version A that the women will make a comment to me out of no where to just start very, very small talk for like a few seconds. This time though this chick did the same except for like 2 different times. One of which was to tell me that one of the items I picked out was one of her favorites.
What gave me evidence of resistance was something that happened when I paid more attention to her. I started paying more attention to her body and face as she was rigging me up. All of a sudden I didn't have desire for her but I felt like something was going on in my head that was "trying" to get me to that point. All of a sudden I start to feel a "bit" of more heat and my heart starts beating in my chest a lot quicker. All of sudden in my mind I hear this conscience thought of "No, must resist" out of no where. At that moment I was really confused as to where the hell that came from and why that thought would be in my mind. I should also note that on my way in that I saw a pretty nice girl refiling her car and notice a bit of heat and my heart beat increasing as well though I didn't notice her acting like she got sniped or anything. For the counter girl it seemed like I was getting to the point of having a certain amount of desire about her but then something came in and tried to shutdown that desire from being reality in the first place because it knew it would activate the sniper.
So it seems like right now I'm still in this state of maybe the celebrity part of the aura work to a degree but the more sexual stuff seems to be "artificially" being lowered or not at all. There is some part of me that is really trying to stomp out my desire at all so that the sniper won't be even activated or limited the amount of desire I have so that the affect of a woman even being sniped is "negligible". I don't feel like my mind is resisting in other way. There is still the whole masturbation/porn/fantasizing issue though that seems to go through periods of not watching at all to full on gorging on it after abstaining for a while. I do think I have figured out whats going on in that regard. The part resisting keeps on killing my desire so that the aura has minimal impact, if any at all. After a while of this happening I still have all this pent up sexual energy and since I'm not getting it through real women its like, "See this isn't working and we need to release this somehow" and I end my no porn watching streak. I find it interesting that this method is being used seeing as the only reason I'm not getting it fulfilled through real women is exactly because its killing my desire for real women.
So, seems like there's is 2 tactics that are being used here. If I use version B my mind just goes scorched earth and creates all sorts of chaotic things to happen to make me emotionally unstable and then uses those negative emotions to fuel resistance. If I use version A it can't use that tactic so it just cuts out my
sexual desire pretty much completely or suppresses it as much as possible so I get minimal results. I do seem to notice the tactic used for version A being employed to a certain degree in other people's journals it would seem. Eh, hopefully this either gets resolved with more usage or I might have to wait til 3.3 when this will be address. Interestingly, I'm not as upset if I have to wait for 3.3 if I have to. I guess I just have this belief that this is just a bump in the road to progress for me until the program fully works for me ,probably with 3.3, and things will be just fine once that happens. I think that might be the positive attitude programming coming in for me.
Either way, Really looking forward to how things will go down. I just have this positive outlook that once things start working for me my life will start turning around quite a bit. Like others getting women is my primary motivation but just as important for me is if this can help me out with eventually getting a acting career going and eventually directing. Looks can give you a very good edge in having a acting career and if DMSI can deliver then I feel like that will be just what I need to start that career. For now though I'm just glad any PTSD symptoms are fully under control now. That in of itself is better than what I expect from this version.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 06-22-2018
ok, I just got back and didn't even sleep yet. Kind of annoyed yet relieved at the same time at the moment so can't really sleep. I said I would give a major, detailed report when I got back and I will. Beware, this will be quite long since I have been in the away from the forum and outside the country for a bit.
So I should start from the beginning. I haven't been on 3.2 for quite a while because at the time of my last post I was going from not caring to straight up nihilism. Despite all it mainly affecting the Aura I still noticed some other things even after I stopped actively listening to the sub (maybe I'm one of those people who only need to listen a few times a week instead or something). Around the time I still had the program running in my head I decided to get colored contacts (Green) to replace my glasses and I started going on a cycle again and working out (felt some motivation to finally get ripped like I always wanted). Included in this at this point I was considering going to get some of my dental work done to improve my appearance as well. I then remembered that getting dental care is much more affordable outside the US. At first I was Thinking about Tijuana, Mexico since I still currently live in California but after I did much more research I narrowed it down to 3 places: Thailand, Philippines, and India. I crossed off India even though it was the cheapest because eh I like the look of Indian women but I know my chances as a mixed guy (Mostly black and part Native American) wouldn't have given me a advantage over there. I really wanted to try Thailand but I vape and Thailand banned vaping (Big tobacco has big pull over there).
So I settled on the Philippines and also I heard the Philippines is great if your a single guy (looking for just fun, a girlfriend, or a wife). Interesting to note though is that I didn't really go for the trip until I'm pretty sure the program was done running in my head. Now the funny thing is the first ticket I bought I missed the flight because of self sabotage. This I know for a fact because I left really, really late for no reason and decided to take public transit which going to the airport is horrendous yet I thought of none of this when I left (Which to me is obvious self sabotage). I realized that that night and just bought another ticket for the next day in the afternoon. I left on May 23. I will say what I heard about dating prospects in the philippines was true and its pretty easy to get a girlfriend over there and what not if you wanted. I had other chances to move things a long with some women or could have gotten their numbers but I had other prospects.
I connected with a few women online from there then narrowed it down to 2, then down to 1. The girl I eventually met half way through my trip I'm pretty sure was a late manifestation (The program had long since stop running in my head I believe). She was loving, giving, affectionate and had a high sex drive that even annoyed me at times. Though if I wanted sex she put up no resistance whatsoever. I could literally start kissing her or undressing her in private and I would get no resistance at all. She was pretty submissive to anything I did and I found myself taking the lead on everything in general and she would just go along with it or try to be helpful. This was actually a very good real, first relationship for me. I felt like I could be myself (Authenticate) not have anxiety around her, speak my mind and generally be loving and kind in return and she wouldn't take any of that as being "weak" as I felt most women I tried to go after in the US would have interpret some of the stuff I did.
It also just felt so good to have someone who was honest, up front, and didn't feel like they were playing some "game" or constantly trying to shit test me. As I mentioned though after a while of feeling so very cared for and loved in my life along with giving the same in return something in my mind just started to freak out. It was getting freaked out that someone was "making" me feel this way like they had some type of control over me and that they were getting so close to me emotionally. Due to past neglect I just was not use to being so close to someone and it made me highly uncomfortable. Combined that with past hurts of where I left people get emotionally close to me and they abused the shit out of me I got down right terrified. I literally got to the point that I on "some" conscious" level tried to find a excuse to push her away which we did make up afterwards but things were kind of weird between us there for a day or 2.
To her credit though her caring and loving nature was outweighed whatever I tried to do so we patched things up. Soon she was still acting like her normal self and acting very caring. I do think she is a keeper though and already consider her my girlfriend. I will be visiting her again in a couple of months. Another reason I think she is a late manifestation is because she is "technically" Bi. She says she has had sex with one of her best friends just because she gets attracted to a "few" women. She also said she would be down for trying a threesome (2 girls/1 guy). So honestly, if 3.3 ends up being the one to cause me to execute I will be able to keep running dmsi no problem and it might just manifest women she is interested in as well that we might keep in a recurring relationship. Seems too good to not be a manifestation.
I do think the trip was a complete success. Got my dental work taken care of, got a Long term girlfriend who might be down for threesomes, and I found out where a lot of my issues with resistance stim from which from what I've noticed seems to have lessened some of the negatives in my life since I now know where they stim from.
Lastly, I finally , probably due to the revelations about the origins of a lot of my resistance, was able to basically stand up to my mother with no problem which has never happened before. She crossed a line while I was gone and I totally emailed her and chewed her out. This lead to some back and forth.. mostly me talking. Due to this I will most definitely be finally moving out in August. I think the revelations and the fear reductions of 3.2 after the fact actually helped me finally just say I'm done with my relatives. Before dmsi would just kind of make me forgive them but soon I wouldn't be able to after a while because they would do some shady and stupid shit that would negatively affect me. I think the program finally just made me realize just cut them off completely. It doesn't matter if you try to forgive them but they are still going to keep doing shitty things to you or treat you wrong. I think the only thing keeping me from doing this for so long is some shame I felt about having to make these relationships work because they are family.
I realize now that is not an excuse for them to treat me like shit or use me like they have been, then when I try to stand up to them they use their fear, guilt and shame tactics to keep me in line. Either way, come August I should be going solo for now on and be free from their negative influences which I think Shannon was right, their negative influence was just making the the behaviors regrow as it were after they were dealt with. On a separate note, I do have a question Shannon. Is this certain part of me over fearing this or is it true that if you do get emotionally/physically close to someone they have a measure of "control" over you? Or is that just all in my mind? I remember you told Catman about his bad past experiences that he couldn't control the women who did such horriable things.. but he could control how he reacted to it. Does that same thing applies here? In the end can a person only hurt you, emotionally mostly, if you let them? Is that still within your control when your close to someone? Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.
Anyway, overall I have to say things are looking up. I'm feeling better about myself despite not even being on 3.2 any longer (still contemplating going back on it despite the nihilism problem). Also I felt like this trip really opened my eyes that I don't want to stay in the US any longer and want to travel throughout SEA which I think plus DMSI final will add for great times. I will be working on finishing up my degree online and finally leaving the US for good by probably teaching English as a second language. Besides, that whole trip made me realize that I felt like dating,etc is so fucked up back home compared to other places. Anyway, that's all I have for now. I hope that was enlightening for most people who read this whole thing. You all take care!
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - Shannon - 06-22-2018
Quote:On a separate note, I do have a question Shannon. Is this certain part of me over fearing this or is it true that if you do get emotionally/physically close to someone they have a measure of "control" over you? Or is that just all in my mind? I remember you told Catman about his bad past experiences that he couldn't control the women who did such horriable things.. but he could control how he reacted to it. Does that same thing applies here? In the end can a person only hurt you, emotionally mostly, if you let them? Is that still within your control when your close to someone? Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.
Getting into a relationship does nothing to give someone else control over you. Giving them any control over you is always a choice. That fear is not reality based.
And yes, the same thing applies here. You can only control and change yourself. And yes, nobody can hurt you if you don't let them. It's not easy to avoid without really understanding the process that results in that pain, but it is true.
By the way, it is my considered opinion that the entire trip was probably your way of executing DMSI. Here's why.
1. You were looking to improve yourself.
2. You chose to do so out of the US, where you could find attractive women who are nopt raised in a society that results in beliefs and attitudes that previously caused you pain.
3. YOU SELF SABOTAGED THE FIRST TICKET.
4. YOU ENDED UP WITH A LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND WHO SURVIVED YOUR FEAR BASED REACTIONS, and is very sexual and open sexually.
DMSI runs in your head about 35 days in v3.2, but once you stop that, it runs in your head as natural programming if it has become your natural programming.
Now considering how badly you were treated by American women, does this seem like a reasonable way for DMSI to achieve it's goals to you?
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 06-22-2018
(06-22-2018, 03:02 PM)Shannon Wrote:Quote:On a separate note, I do have a question Shannon. Is this certain part of me over fearing this or is it true that if you do get emotionally/physically close to someone they have a measure of "control" over you? Or is that just all in my mind? I remember you told Catman about his bad past experiences that he couldn't control the women who did such horriable things.. but he could control how he reacted to it. Does that same thing applies here? In the end can a person only hurt you, emotionally mostly, if you let them? Is that still within your control when your close to someone? Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.
Getting into a relationship does nothing to give someone else control over you. Giving them any control over you is always a choice. That fear is not reality based.
And yes, the same thing applies here. You can only control and change yourself. And yes, nobody can hurt you if you don't let them. It's not easy to avoid without really understanding the process that results in that pain, but it is true.
By the way, it is my considered opinion that the entire trip was probably your way of executing DMSI. Here's why.
1. You were looking to improve yourself.
2. You chose to do so out of the US, where you could find attractive women who are nopt raised in a society that results in beliefs and attitudes that previously caused you pain.
3. YOU SELF SABOTAGED THE FIRST TICKET.
4. YOU ENDED UP WITH A LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND WHO SURVIVED YOUR FEAR BASED REACTIONS, and is very sexual and open sexually.
DMSI runs in your head about 35 days in v3.2, but once you stop that, it runs in your head as natural programming if it has become your natural programming.
Now considering how badly you were treated by American women, does this seem like a reasonable way for DMSI to achieve it's goals to you?
Thanks for the advice, that made sense. I'm guessing something like that is already in DMSI to help deal with pain objectively? If so I've probably just been resisting the shit out of it.
Also, WOW I didn't even think about the trip that way. Though I do see it somewhat and noticed some things on my trip that I didn't mention. It was during this trip that I first started using my contact lenses. I got a lot of attention and attraction from the local girls and not even just the Philippines either. I had lay overs in South Korea and can notice people from there treating me with more respect and I got the typical "you have beautiful eyes" comment from at least one Korean woman.
There was one woman in the first city I stayed in, Angeles city which is like the Las vegas of SEA to some people, who gave me a interesting response. She worked at a 24 hour restaurant/bar that I frequented without my contacts on. She didn't even really pay attention to me at all then on my last day in that city I walk in with my Green contacts from the previous night. She is the one that takes my order and keeps on staring then ask if they are contacts. I tell her yes then she goes to get the ordered done. She sits a few seats down from me because its not busy and I noticed she keeps on staring at me. Eventually she worked up the courage and started asking me about myself and other such things while continually making eye contact and constantly smiling. I felt like I could have taken it somewhere but I don't know I don't know if I have reached that level of comfort yet. So use to trying to take things places then I get brutally rejected. I noticed the same reaction with another waitress in Manila as well except she was even more nervous and jittery when trying to talk to me.
I noticed even guys gave me huge amounts of respect as well. For example, the Korea guy sitting next to me on the flight back here acted very helpful and gave me some of his snacks for no reason that I can think of. I don't know, my travel through the Philippines and to a extent South Korea kind of showed me I can be loved and be found attractive by woman and be shown politeness and respect in general. It felt weird in someways to be treated this well whereas in the US I felt like there was always this rudeness with many people and this need by too many to try to exert their power over others in a negative way.
So Shannon if I take what you said correctly, could it be that I'm not yet at that level personally where I could probably do well with American women in generally (due to my current issues) so my subconscious just found a way to execute the program in a different way, by just making me go to another country with different beliefs that I could probably execute with no problem? I will admit I did feel confidant, more authenticate, and open while there and kept "some" of that when I came back. I will admit being in Angeles city did help with that in the fact that I saw old retired guys in their 50s with hot Asian girlfriends in their 20s. Seeing that made me realize I'm just 30, so if they can be in their 50s and overweight and still get hot girls like that then I should have no problem, being younger and fitter.
Oh and as a side thing , right before I got back I checked my email and got offered a job. If the job is still on the table and I get it, it would allow me to easily live on my own, and make frequent trips to SEA a year until I finish my online degree so I can travel SEA permanently as much as I want. I found that to be a interesting coincidence.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - Shannon - 06-23-2018
(06-22-2018, 07:18 PM)DarthXedonias Wrote:(06-22-2018, 03:02 PM)Shannon Wrote:Quote:On a separate note, I do have a question Shannon. Is this certain part of me over fearing this or is it true that if you do get emotionally/physically close to someone they have a measure of "control" over you? Or is that just all in my mind? I remember you told Catman about his bad past experiences that he couldn't control the women who did such horriable things.. but he could control how he reacted to it. Does that same thing applies here? In the end can a person only hurt you, emotionally mostly, if you let them? Is that still within your control when your close to someone? Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.
Getting into a relationship does nothing to give someone else control over you. Giving them any control over you is always a choice. That fear is not reality based.
And yes, the same thing applies here. You can only control and change yourself. And yes, nobody can hurt you if you don't let them. It's not easy to avoid without really understanding the process that results in that pain, but it is true.
By the way, it is my considered opinion that the entire trip was probably your way of executing DMSI. Here's why.
1. You were looking to improve yourself.
2. You chose to do so out of the US, where you could find attractive women who are nopt raised in a society that results in beliefs and attitudes that previously caused you pain.
3. YOU SELF SABOTAGED THE FIRST TICKET.
4. YOU ENDED UP WITH A LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND WHO SURVIVED YOUR FEAR BASED REACTIONS, and is very sexual and open sexually.
DMSI runs in your head about 35 days in v3.2, but once you stop that, it runs in your head as natural programming if it has become your natural programming.
Now considering how badly you were treated by American women, does this seem like a reasonable way for DMSI to achieve it's goals to you?
Thanks for the advice, that made sense. I'm guessing something like that is already in DMSI to help deal with pain objectively? If so I've probably just been resisting the shit out of it.
Also, WOW I didn't even think about the trip that way. Though I do see it somewhat and noticed some things on my trip that I didn't mention. It was during this trip that I first started using my contact lenses. I got a lot of attention and attraction from the local girls and not even just the Philippines either. I had lay overs in South Korea and can notice people from there treating me with more respect and I got the typical "you have beautiful eyes" comment from at least one Korean woman.
There was one woman in the first city I stayed in, Angeles city which is like the Las vegas of SEA to some people, who gave me a interesting response. She worked at a 24 hour restaurant/bar that I frequented without my contacts on. She didn't even really pay attention to me at all then on my last day in that city I walk in with my Green contacts from the previous night. She is the one that takes my order and keeps on staring then ask if they are contacts. I tell her yes then she goes to get the ordered done. She sits a few seats down from me because its not busy and I noticed she keeps on staring at me. Eventually she worked up the courage and started asking me about myself and other such things while continually making eye contact and constantly smiling. I felt like I could have taken it somewhere but I don't know I don't know if I have reached that level of comfort yet. So use to trying to take things places then I get brutally rejected. I noticed the same reaction with another waitress in Manila as well except she was even more nervous and jittery when trying to talk to me.
I noticed even guys gave me huge amounts of respect as well. For example, the Korea guy sitting next to me on the flight back here acted very helpful and gave me some of his snacks for no reason that I can think of. I don't know, my travel through the Philippines and to a extent South Korea kind of showed me I can be loved and be found attractive by woman and be shown politeness and respect in general. It felt weird in someways to be treated this well whereas in the US I felt like there was always this rudeness with many people and this need by too many to try to exert their power over others in a negative way.
So Shannon if I take what you said correctly, could it be that I'm not yet at that level personally where I could probably do well with American women in generally (due to my current issues) so my subconscious just found a way to execute the program in a different way, by just making me go to another country with different beliefs that I could probably execute with no problem?
It seems likely.
Quote:I will admit I did feel confidant, more authenticate, and open while there and kept "some" of that when I came back. I will admit being in Angeles city did help with that in the fact that I saw old retired guys in their 50s with hot Asian girlfriends in their 20s. Seeing that made me realize I'm just 30, so if they can be in their 50s and overweight and still get hot girls like that then I should have no problem, being younger and fitter.
You have had bad experiences with American women (I am guessing), so it would seem that your subconscious found you a culture that does not produce those issues. Just remember to avoid gold diggers.
Quote:Oh and as a side thing , right before I got back I checked my email and got offered a job. If the job is still on the table and I get it, it would allow me to easily live on my own, and make frequent trips to SEA a year until I finish my online degree so I can travel SEA permanently as much as I want. I found that to be a interesting coincidence.
Is there really any such thing as coincidence?
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 06-23-2018
Well, thought I would give a quick update on where I'm at right now.
I would say that trip did change me in many ways. One other reason I wanted to go was to find some kind of inspiration in my life which did happen in a way. I felt at the time, probably due to the amount of nihilism I had due to resistance, that I was kind of stagnating my life and didn't have much meaning to it. I was just existing and had no direction. A interesting thing happened on my trip which fixed this. While I was out one time in Angeles City I went to a vape store. It was sunny when I went into the store then when I came out it was starting to sprinkle. I called a trike to take me back to the hotel and it started to start raining a lot. Before we knew it it was starting to pour, there was lightning and there was high winds. We had to take shelter under a makeshift station for trikes and people to be under while its raining. It was officially a typhoon. The many of the streets were absolutely flooded (They don't really have a drainage system for the rain water on the roads).
While I was there I was looking around at all this and the people also there who looked totally poor yet still happy to a degree. Its like something snapped in my mind about how much I have back here to a degree. Good drainage system, good internet, good shelter against the elements and how much opportunity I have here. I thought how many people in that country could have the ability to reach most of their potential but they can't because they don't have much opportunities to do so due to their corrupt government that doesn't give a hoot about them. How much I have so much opportunity but I waste it being lazy, fearful of moving forward, and wasting time. How many people in the US are lazy, don't reach their potential, complain about stupid first world problems and keep asking for other people in positions of power to do stuff for them or hand them free shit.
I think at that point I got this motivation to change that once I got back here. To actually push myself more with all the opportunities I have to reach my potential and not waste it. I do feel more motivate it to reach some of my goals now. To actually get that job and finish up my degree so I can probably make it back to SEA to enjoy life a bit more. I don't know why but when I was there I felt a lot more alive and felt like I had a lot of fun. I wasn't as fearful and felt more expressive especially with my girlfriend. I didn't think about depressing thoughts as much or about my problems I just enjoyed myself. I actually tried to live life instead of being detached from it and over analyzing things.
So, with that all said I do think I did find more motivation though I do have a little conundrum. I'm wondering which sub to run if I should run any at all. I do need to finish my degree and work hard once I get that new job to get to my long term goal of getting back to SEA. MLS 5.5G would be great for this and would help though the issue would be it doesn't have "the wall" tech in it. I felt like even though I found a loophole in the wall it really did help out a lot with getting me this far. So, I don't know how well a sub without the wall would work or there would be too many loopholes I could take advantage of. On the one hand I could go back to DMSI 3.2 but the major problem is that I have that loophole that my subconscious uses which then results in not caring and nihilism which would totally derail my motivation and my ability to reach my goal. Weighing those 2 options though it would seem MLS 5.5G would be the better option despite the less amount of tech. I will make my decision soon though since time is of the essence.
On another note, I am totally in awe in the fact that even though it was in a more creative way I did manage to execute 3.2 in someway by going to another country. It just impresses me that some part of my subconscious was turned over to the execute side by 3.2 and said, "Well, getting too much resistance with trying to pursue local women (for now) so we will just line things up so we can go on a trip to somewhere else and execute with less resistance there". I mean the amount of things that had to line up just for me to go on that trip (which there were many btw) and execute the program was very amazing. Makes me really wonder just how powerful are certain parts of the subconscious? Is there that many limits to what it can do? Though I will admit, and I know this is the part resisting speaking, there is some part of me that is trying to discount this success as it just happened. That it was just some lucky coincidence though that is just silly given all the things that had to align for this to happen.
To further prove this correct I was texting my girlfriend the other day and she revealed something quite interesting. I should give some background on her though. Apparently, a few months before I met her she had been going out with a local guy. She eventually got pregnant and when she told her boyfriend about it he just upped and left town. She didn't see him ever again (though funny enough while we were going out she told me he had tried to contact her). She was stressed out and depressed because of that and she ended up having a miscarriage due to that. She says she was bitter for a while but snapped out of it and tried again but she decided no more local guys and signed up for the site where we contacted each other. She had revealed to me that normally before she wasn't this open (with affections, etc) before but because her failed relationships she decided to be more open about her feelings with who she is with (emotionally and physically) because she didn't want to fail again. So even right there I found out another thing aligned at the right time for her to be more open emotionally and sexually with me when we met.
With that said, I guess I will be deciding soon what I will be running. Granted I could just not run anything and just be ready for when 3.3 comes out but we shall see. I am confidant given what has happened that maybe 3.3 will be the one for me where I start executing even more but more with local girls and I won't have to travel thousands of miles on that version lol. Anyway, that is all for now.