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+--- Thread: Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal (/Thread-Transcendent-Sith-Lord-s-DMSI-3-3-D-Journal)
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 1: The TID Chronicles - KingDavid93 - 02-19-2018
I agree with both of you and have experienced similar things
My desire to watch porn and masturbate has basically been eliminated since the beginning of February and I have been off of it for almost 3 weeks now with my ability to resist temptation getting stronger as we get closer to program release.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 1: The TID Chronicles - lano1106 - 02-19-2018
(02-09-2018, 04:16 PM)Benjamin Wrote:Quote:I think about this and how people keep saying , "Well there's more important things than sex in a relationship".
Why do I feel like the people who say this are either women who are trying to manipulate men with sex or men who aren't getting any? Funny isn't it.
Yes sex isn't the ONLY thing.. but it's a pretty important thing to me and a good relationship can't function without good sex.
Well, it is not simple as that. Sex is like eating. You need to listen to your appetite and it varies with age and is different for everyone.
I have been hanging out with a group of hot nymphomaniac women. After having fucked with all of them for 18 hours/day for 2 days in a row.
you know what? I have said exactly that: There is more important things than sex... I was oversaturated and would have been willing to do anything else than having sex...
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 1: The TID Chronicles - DarthXedonias - 02-19-2018
(02-19-2018, 03:52 PM)K-Train Wrote: I didn't want to report much of this initially because I wanted to actually confirm what was going but yes, I've felt many of the same sensations you did Darth. I went through moments of fear the moment I read about The Wall. I'm guessing a part of me was worried that it was about to be cornered. Since then, I've gone through periods of calmness and almost absolute zero levels of anxiety. In addition, desire for porn dropped and my ability to resist the temptation to fap increased drastically. Unfortunately, I broke the streak after being fap free for 2 weeks and then after a full week of no fap today. But the ability to resist was EXTREMELY powerful. And the feeling of calmness was amazing.
Quote:I agree with both of you and have experienced similar things
My desire to watch porn and masturbate has basically been eliminated since the beginning of February and I have been off of it for almost 3 weeks now with my ability to resist temptation getting stronger as we get closer to program release.
Yeah, This program must be really powerful if even just the TID is causing things like this to happen. Shannon must have really optimized the shit out of the P6 because I remember the TID for me started back on January 1st. So like a month and 3 weeks ago. Before with 3.1 I didn't experience any TID until like 3 days before it released and that was only "lightly" (that had P5 in it). With MLS I didn't notice any TID experiences at all and that was with P6 in it. Like the both of you I definitely felt my resolve to not look at porn increase by a lot. During this third wave of TID though the resolve against Porn, masturbation, and fantasy increased by a even more significant degree. I do have this feeling, not to hype this release up or anything, that with this version we "might" see a significant increase in the amount of people reaching design goals honestly.
My reason for believing that is if the TID isn't actually as powerful as running the actual sub and its producing these type of results for some then I can only imagine how good the results might be by actually running it. Well, either way we will find out in like 2 days from now. I already know for myself I will be testing it out at the gym, the mall, then the movie theater on that day to see if I notice a immediate difference. Really hope I can bring back what happened on that first day of 3.1 where I made that women almost orgasm just by being in my presence lol. Granted, she was into BDSM stuff so my subconscious might have thought that was the best way to get to her attention right away.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 1: The TID Chronicles - Benjamin - 02-20-2018
Quote:you know what? I have said exactly that: There is more important things than sex... I was oversaturated and would have been willing to do anything else than having sex...
It's funny though. When you're not getting it then it does seem really important. When you're getting alot of it then it just seems normal.
But I still stick with sex being an important part of the relationship, as in if there's none you may aswell be her girlfriend.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 02-27-2018
I've been waiting a while to see if I should type this post and have finally decided to do so. I decided since any feed back I give might help with the production of the sub to help people who might have high amounts of trauma like myself. This will be a long post and it will go into a lot of personal details but since I'm kind of anonymous on here I don't care as much. If Shannon can use this data to better the program then I will consider this helpful.
First off I will say the first day was decent and uneventful for the most part. I got more respect from men but not much from women. Didn't really feel the aura firing or anything. I did test something out after my first use to confirm something that I think Shannon wanted to know. If the wall makes the person have to execute now for "Don't tell me what to do" personality types or not. Well, from what I saw I didn't experience any Bloom effect so I think I can safely guess that those types of personalities are forced to listen due to the wall and can't "put it off" for later like they usually do. I definitely noticed the watching porn, masturbating, and fantasizing were off the table. Basically it felt like something was blocking me from even doing anything like that. The second day was uneventful as well and didn't go out as much though a few hours after my loops I noticed that I got real down.
For full disclosure I am somewhat similar to Raykon in that in the past I have had used "call girls". I had used them at the time because I felt like I could actually try to get some experience. The thing is though I had always thought about using them for a while just to experience sex but never really got to using them til 3.01 was out I believe. I had seen 2 girls over the weekend but both times noticed I was unable to orgasm at all. I would just not be interested enough or just go limp and remain this way. This was over the course of 2 hours each time. Obviously, this doesn't go with really trying to out the program but I feel like I need to disclose this info because these events along with my thoughts over the last few days have made me realize something major that is holding me back. I think I "might" know what is going on in my head and I think its that my mind has made a very bad connection.
I believe my mind sees a connection between being vulnerable/intimate with a woman and "Death". In order to explain this I'm going to have to go into a little bit more detail about my past. Its kind of hard for me to type this so I just ask that people be respectful if they have anything to say. As some of you know I was in the military and suffered a lot of abuse aimed at me by people over me or my peers. Due to this I contemplated Suicide like 3 different times (The second time didn't last as long as I was able to pull myself out of it quickly thankfully). What I didn't tell you was that the 2 times where it was the worst was at the hands of females. The first time was so bad that after the event for months I literally would be shouting angry and hateful things in my sleep every night or every other night to the point that the person I was living with could hear me and I would wake him up. I literally had PTSD at this point though I didn't know it at the time.
The female who caused the first incident just avoided me for the most part afterwards and when confronted about what she did she just made excuse after excuse about what happened. no actual apology (I was the one that had to talk first btw). The second female was pretty much the same. Avoided me and was even laughing at the fact that she made me close to committing suicide with a High ranking chief I worked with (He was a type "A" personality, so not exactly high on empathy). At the time I was just wondering what type of a monster do you have to be to think its funny to almost make someone commit suicide? Soon after this I got discharged which btw wasn't medical. I signed the paper work under adjustment disorder though I know for a fact the medical guy "knew" I had PTSD (Seeing as I had the symptoms for close to a year) but since the military doesn't want to "pay" for former damaged soldiers they try to call it adjustment disorder because that isn't a medical condition.
Of course when I found out what I really had I felt used and abused. Basically, they want to use you but as soon they can't use anymore you are tossed at the first opportunity. I had already experienced this much in my school years. People only talking to me when they "want" something from me then when I'm not needed anymore I am tossed away like I'm some kind of broken utility. Originally, I had joined the military for a sense of comradely (also to pay for college) but found more of the same. I think it was due to these experiences I just generally came to distrust people in general and always assumed they had a ulterior motive. One could say at that point I had accepted a reality where all people just use others heartlessly.
As you can probably tell from the story above I think due to this that I especially have a mistrust of females. I think this is where my subconscious gets the idea of females are dangerous, untrustworthy and not worth it. I think it has this anger and hatred direct towards them as well which is where all these feelings the sub is bringing up comes from. Based on previous experiences, the fact that I was so close to death and the catalyst was mainly due to females that it has made a connection that to be vulnerable/intimate with a female= inviting the same situation= therefore death. I came to this realization because I was so down I missed 2 days already and then Sunday night the same Suicidal thoughts started coming up. It was so bad that literally I laid in bed and thought about word "death" for like a minute straight.
At this point it felt like the sub was "suppressing" that stuff and was kind of at stalemate when I was awake but when I was asleep it would kind of get the upper hand. Problem is when I would wake up I would generally feel good for about 2 hours or so but then the old stuff would come up again and I would be back at a stalemate. On that topic, I've been sleeping a lot more than usual and have been having this tiredness that others have mentioned.
On another note I do think I realize where some of my other distrust of people, mainly society at large comes from. I think Superman mentioned this in his journal. Basically I was sold the lie most of my life that women are these pure and innocent human beings that can almost do no wrong. I was told to be respectful and nice and you would get a woman. Over and over again I got used or ignored. Then that stuff in the military happened and that idea that society tired to feed me was shattered. I saw it as a complete and utter lie. Therefore I just gained this intense distrust of people and their motives.
I even had this played out in a dream I had due to 3.2 B. It was like some dream like game of thrones in a way. Some princess was getting married but I knew she had some feelings for me. At the wedding she choked at the "I do" part and it was blamed on some superstition. That some fairy like thing causes that to happen. So everyone goes searching around the castle for this thing. Me and the bride hang out at the top of the castle but hearing someone coming. We decided to hang out on this ledge with me supporting her outside the windows while the maids are looking around because we thought it wouldn't look good if they saw us together. Unfortunely, they stay by the windows too long and I'm starting get really tired and we might fall. She starts moving a bit, I tell her to stop but she keeps doing it. Eventually I see she makes it so she can support herself on something else and tells me to let go. I actually interpret this at the time as in she tells me I can let go and grab on to something else so I don't fall. When I wake up I am literally tensed up, straining my muscles in the same way I was on the ledge.
At the time I thought "wow, she actually did something to really help me out" and I thought this meant something might have been cleared. Only thing is like 2 hours later I start questioning all that. What if she was only doing it to save herself. What if she was only saying "you can let go now" to say I'm safe now and you don't matter at all. It seemed I was back at a stalemate again on that front. It just seems like my mind thinks that getting to a point where I fulfill the goals of the program is akin to putting myself in a position where I might potentially die.
Anyway, this has gone on long enough. I might only leave this post up for a few days, I'm not sure yet. Quite honestly, I don't like dwelling on this stuff and bringing it up for that matter but I know it might help make the product better. I'm going to try to get back on the sub tonight but I will fully admit I have some "fear". I really don't want to get back to a repeat of Sunday night where I start having those "thoughts". I will keep going for as long as I can but if I get to that point again I might just have to stop til the healing version comes out. I think if it gets to that point this trauma can't be worked around it needs to be healed. It might be a slower method but I'm ok with this.
Shannon, do you have any advice on how to deal with a situation like this? If I decide to continue with part B is there anything you would recommend I do if any of these feelings come up? It just feels like all the anger, rage, and hate is all consuming at times and directed at everyone.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - Benjamin - 02-27-2018
Damn man.. I feel you here and now how challenging it is.
After I got attacked it really messed me up around women and i've done alot of work on it since. I'm still doing some work on it, sometimes parts of the old trauma come up when I think i've dealt with it. I've had on and off good results with women but nothing consistent, like something derailed it.
I really hope you can deal with it and heal from it.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - Shannon - 02-27-2018
First, the inability to perform is your subconscious executing one of the sub modules in The Wall.
Second, you may want to try using a different format or volume.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 02-28-2018
(02-27-2018, 03:39 PM)Benjamin Wrote: Damn man.. I feel you here and now how challenging it is.
After I got attacked it really messed me up around women and i've done alot of work on it since. I'm still doing some work on it, sometimes parts of the old trauma come up when I think i've dealt with it. I've had on and off good results with women but nothing consistent, like something derailed it.
I really hope you can deal with it and heal from it.
Thanks Ben. I've heard that this sort of thing isn't uncommon for people who go through this type of trauma. They sort of try to withdraw into themselves. I've obviously had other things that have added to my issues (Dominating and irrational feminist mother, Beta step father, highschool issues,etc) but I think this is the main thing that my subconscious is using as a reason as to why it doesn't want to reach the goals. It fears that if it does history will repeat itself and it will be in a position where it will die. It literally sees it as a kind of life and death situation. Hence why it is playing the rather die than change card because from its perspective I might really just die. Also in case anyone was wondering one of the chicks I did see as a close friend and might have even saw as potentially something more if things had not gone the way they did.
Quote:First, the inability to perform is your subconscious executing one of the sub modules in The Wall.
Second, you may want to try using a different format or volume.
Thanks for clarifying and I will use that suggestion. I will probably go with trying the ultrasonic because in the past the masked has caused problems with causing me to get irritable.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 03-04-2018
Hopefully this will be a informative report and I will try my best to describe what I feel is going on. Do bare with me seeing as it is taking a lot out of me even to just write this post, of which I will describe later why. If I had to to use a word to describe best how this whole week has been going it would be "chaos".
Well, I tried ultrasonic but didn't notice much from it. Though I did still notice a kind of "avoidance" response to listening to the sub. The thought of listening to it brings up fear and anxiety. So, I decided to try to tough it out and go back to hybrid trickling stream (more on that later). I have noticed some things that I'm not sure are loopholes still or something else. I've noticed one thing that might be potentially used to derail things. For example, with the whole porn/masturbation thing I think my mind (the part resisting) might be using the negative emotions brought up for its advantage. I know for example on one occasion (possibly more) that I would have these times where I'm angry and I would just keep focusing and thinking about things that increase the anger, rage, or hatred I was feeling at the time. It was like I was just in this focused state that kept on trying to build up that emotion. It then reached some tipping point where I would end up watching porn or masturbating as a consequence. It was like I was getting to a point where I was so steep in that emotion that I couldn't be reasoned with and I would practically say, "This shit ain't working" and proceed to do what the program is trying to get me not to do.
Distraction is another thing I have noticed. When I had grown the resolve to go back to hybrid last night I noticed my mind started to wonder. It wasn't fantasizing but something else I have done in the past. I would sometimes think on a issue (political, economics, philosophy, etc) and sometimes I would go down these rabbit holes of thoughts that would go on for hours. I stopped after like about 30 mins after I thought, "Wait, how did I get to thinking about this" and realized I should be listening to the sub already. That's when I realized this was probably a distraction technique. Think on something that would be perceived as "important" to the point that you forget about what you are suppose to be doing now.
One other thing is that I get this feeling that the part that is strongly resist subconscious is trying to get me to resist consciously as well. I will get these random thoughts sometimes. Yesterday for example I got this random compulsion to want to consciously resist the sub and then I stopped thinking like that and wondered "where did that come from?". On top of that there has been external shit going on that has just added to the general Chaos going on inside my mind. I don't want to make it seem like the world revolves around me but I can't help but have this feeling (similar to 3.01 and 3.1) that the part of me resisting is manifesting events that cause chaos in order to give an excuse to keep the status quo.
During this week i was alerted to that my mother got admitted to a hospital on her trip to Portugal. Apparently, her blood pressure started acting up so she went to the hospital over there. This somehow ended up with it turning into a extended visit and her being drugged up to the point that she can barely form sentences or remember certain people. We are trying to get her released from there so she can take the flight back home. Unfortunately this around the same time her part of the rent is due, though luckily I was able to talk inform the landlord and they were understanding about the situation. On top of that I found out my brother's apartment burned down that same day. He lost everything in the fire except for his cat. This has somewhat added to the general chaos of emotions I'm feeling right now.
Also I've been questioning the whole idea of do I even believer in "love" to begin with. Based on what I've reported before anyone can guess that I have not had the best past with that concept. Even with my own family members I'm very distant with mostly due to them being very toxic (even though current events are still affecting me to some degree in the anxiety department). Its like when I end a phone conversation with them and they say "I love you" all I feel is emptiness. They just feel like empty words to me. I've only just now realized this somewhat during the emotions coming up during this sub run.
In other news I switch to hybrid last night and got instant resistance. All sorts of negative emotions and negative thoughts. Lucky for me I went to sleep soon after and got multiple dreams through out. This version seems to consistently produce dreams for me. As usual after I wake up I feel some peace for about anywhere from 1 hour to 2 hours then I'm right back at feeling constant anxiety, frustration, anger, and hate. This brings us to my final point which is this post. The negative emotions came back up as soon as I even contemplated writing this post. I don't know why but I felt this strong compulsion not to write this for some reason. I've literally spent a good chunk of time writing this because the high degree of emotions is impairing my ability to to coherently think at the moment. Its taking me time to even type a few sentences.
One last thing I almost forgot. I don't know how or why but I felt some TID type experience last night at around 10-12 am PST time. I know what it was because TID has a particular feeling in my brain when it happens. I did manage to get a little time of peace due to that. The only thing I can think of is either this is from (1) version A of 3.2, or (3) 3.3. Even though this was about 3 hours or so from when I started 3.2 B hybrid again I don't think it was from that.
To summarize though, to be completely honest, I feel like I've been drowning in a see of negative emotions this entire week and I don't have an life jacket. I will hopefully keep on pushing through but the shit storm going on right now both inside my mind and outside my head is making this very difficult. -Edit- Almost forgot. Been having major aversion to being in public. I literally been in hermit mode for some reason. When I go out even just to eat it I get this strong compulsion to leave because I don't want to be around anyone and feel this wave of anxiety.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - Shannon - 03-07-2018
Your subconscious doesn't want you to report because you keep giving me refined gold instead of gold ore for what is going on and how to correct it. It knows that the more you report, the more it will be unable to resist in the future, and it is fighting that as hard as it can.
Thank you for reporting. Please keep going.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 03-07-2018
ok, thought I should report.Still no noticeable external results but I think I have a better handle on what is going on internally.
I think I have discovered a feed back loop going on and I'm not sure if the wall deals with this type of thing. Maybe Shannon can chime in on this. Basically I think I have more specifics on one aspect I talked about in my previous post. I'm seeing 2 things happening that are feeding on each other. (1) using negative emotions (hate, anger, rage, major depression, etc) as "fuel" for resistance. I'm starting to notice this pattern of my subconscious using the negative emotions as fuel to fight the subliminal instructions and "when" it doesn't have enough of that fuel it will cause me to go into a state where I keep on thinking about stuff from the past (of which I have many) one after another until I have enough of that negative emotion (usually anger/rage) to go against the script. I notice when I'm in this state its like I just keep going deeper and deeper into this hole of negative emotions and I'm not completely aware of what is going on around me.
I feel like during this time when its going on that my higher brain functions (thinking critically, thinking things through) are completely shutdown. This leads to another thing that is happening. (2) A state of Chaos which makes it harder to execute the script and make the status quo a more appealing option. I see it as due to the wall my subconscious can't escape and it can't just ignore what is going on by saying, "you can't tell me what to do" (I tested it and there was no bloom effect), so it has gone with a state of chaos method. Basically cause as much chaos and instability that trying to execute the script and create those new habits (of thinking/acting) become very unlikely. I would use the example of an chaotic and unstable country. For example, with all the chaos and instability going on in Venezuela right now you wouldn't expect it to become the country on the cutting edge of technology development or economic opportunity would you?
These are connected. Use the negative emotions to fuel resistance and because of all the negative emotions everything becomes chaotic. Then use a chaotic environment (both internally and externally) to create a bias battlefield that gives the status quo a advantage. The chaotic environment then causes even more negative emotions, etc, etc. I hope I explained that well. I guess there is one good thing from this. There is the fact that a lot of the time whatever part of me that is resisting needs to rely on the conscious mind to fuel some of this. I think that points to the idea that without "nudging" the conscious mind to part take in this some how the part that is resisting doesn't have enough energy on its own to successful resist some of the time.
As I've said I think some of this is by causing external chaos as well to feed this whole thing. I just find this whole situation I've been though the last week and half to be too much of a coincidence. I start 3.2B then all of a sudden this external stuff with family members starts which puts even more pressure on my internal emotional stability. Also it escalated because I found out that the insurance company won't cover having a travel maid to escort my mother from Portugal to the US. Now I need to pay from my credit for a trip for my older brother to go get her and a return ticket for her which is really making me really, really pissed off at the moment seeing as all this could have been avoided had she not taken a trip there in the first place. She knows she has panic attacks when she even thinks about going to far from home yet she thought it was some bright idea to go out of the country knowing that (I didn't know her trip was out of country until like the day of).
I'm also getting pissed off because even though they are saying "oh we will pay you back later" I know how they operate. Soon enough when I ask about it they are going to bring up some lame excuse of "don't you remember that time I did this or that for you" bull crap. Yep as soon as I get re-certified in IT I'm getting a good job then ghosting. I'm done dealing with these people who keep on making bad decisions then I have to some how come bail them out. I'm so done dealing with idiotic and toxic people, related or not.
Anyway, back on track I hope this makes sense in what I think is going on. I do have to ask though Shannon is it "possible" for when the subconscious is cornered that it could manifest negative events in order to aid in resisting? Not necessarily having to deal with he goals of the sub (kind of like reversal resistance) but just general negative events? I just find too much of this external stuff going on right now to be too much of a coincidence.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - Shannon - 03-07-2018
As you may have noticed, we are still discovering what the subconscious mind is capable of and how it acts and reacts. So I presume that almost anything is possible.
Sooner or later, though, with enough reporting, the script will become impenetrable.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 03-23-2018
ok, with the release of version A within the next couple of days I thought I should give my final report on what happened with B and what I found out. As many of you might have read I ended up having to stop. It was because of several things: extreme exhaustion, because of the exhaustion I was sleeping like 18 hours a day, extreme swings in emotion constantly, so much internal chaos that I couldn't even think straight a lot of the time, couldn't even carefully think out what I wanted to type at times as I said with the last post, and even when I could think before typing I found all sorts of typos that I would overlook.
Even with me having to stop the program it would still be running in my head and I would get some insights. I did confirm one thing though my idea that the subconscious was manifesting general chaotic events is right. I had a clear example of this when I woke up one time and really felt good about myself like I hadn't in a long time. I felt like something had been majorly cleared. Only thing is it didn't last, it seems like that part resisting didn't like this. So later that night something happened that usually doesn't happen and it triggered some of my old trauma. So the trauma regrew in power and I was back exactly at where I was. I got confirmation when I had something similar to those states I would go into on 3.01 where I would get lots of internal insight on what was going on. I somehow intuitively "felt" the intention behind the events.It felt like it was "protecting" me by keeping the trauma and "regrowing" it when it felt like the trauma was growing too weak.
The part resisting felt like without the "Trauma" fresh still in my mind it I would be in danger. Of course this is ridiculous but as Shannon has said the Subconscious isn't rational, its emotional. This does make me ponder about people with high amounts of trauma or PTSD in general. Is this the excuse those people's subconscious give when having flashbacks of painful events or having more triggered? Is it a certain part of the subconscious thinking it is keeping them out of harms way by keeping the trauma as a fresh wound instead of letting it heal? Don't know but it is interesting to think about. Because of this stalemate it feels like I'm in this state where I realize I can't keep living like this, the way I have for the last few years since the trauma had been inflicted but at the same time I'm afraid of even moving a step forward. I just feel this general state of stagnation setting in.
Oh the good side though, with not being on B for a while I have been having more TID type experiences again which I'm pretty sure are from me running A side in the near future. I say this because the quality of the experience are the same ones I was having before that week Shannon decided he was going to release B only for a month. The most amazing one was the one I just woke up from. Literally, this dream was felt in every way like it was real. I literally felt like it was me doing these things and all my senses felt like they were there as well. It was like some life like simulation indistinguishable from reality.
I was sitting in front of the TV playing video games and this hot Asian woman who had been there with me went to go change then came back kind of dressed like she was going to go go to sleep but with a bit more revealing type clothing. She sat next to me and I actually got the hint. I felt a slight nervousness but I felt compelled to do something so I first put my hand over her hand which was on my shoulder and then put it on her thigh. She seemed nervous a bit even though she was the one signaling for this to happen but she said something like, "oh ok" and then she moves to get on my lap while I pull her over and we go at it. I notice throughout the whole thing I started getting more aggressive but in a smooth and coordinated fashion and she just kept on getting more submissive to it and willing to do things to please me even though I felt she had this shyness to her personality.
I literally felt "everything" like I was there as well, like I was literally doing it with her. If this is from potentially running A in the future it does give me hope that it will be a lot better for me than B. Well, that's enough for me about all this for now. I will probably not post again until A is out and I have had a couple of days to run it.
P.S. I apologize for any typos. Still trying to get over this cognitive exhaustion to a degree.
RE: Transcendent Sith Lord's 3.2 Journal- Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit hole - DarthXedonias - 03-30-2018
Well, after a few days I think I understand whats going on and can report now.
Version A has been so much better for me than B was as I thought it would be though something does feel kind of weird. Neediness has dropped to pretty much zero and I just don't care about women at all. Its like If I get sex then ok that's fine but if not I don't care really. I'm not sure if this is outcome independence or apathy. It doesn't feel like apathy much because apathy has this kind of "dreary" feel to it. This feels like some zen, silent confidence type of thing that is going on. I should note that I have been pretty much exhausted the last few days as well. On the first day I only went out once to the gym. Was interesting, I had this feeling that the guys were trying to ignore me except for this one guy who came up to ask me my name and just wanted to say hello since he hadn't seen me around. There was another interesting thing where I was the only guy in a row of excise bikes and this guy walked buy on his way to somewhere else. All of a sudden he stopped at the row I was at and decided to jump on some bike like 4 bikes down from me. That was kind of weird.
Weren't that many women at the gym at the time though there was the cleaning lady and one other chick who I felt were slightly attracted. The one chick who was there to work out seemed to try to get in my way when I was walking out of the gym. I was suppose to go to the movie theater later that day as well but didn't because I was feeling exhausted. I actually ended up not doing much for the next couple of days because I felt tired and didn't feel like it until today. It was today that I found out the main reason why was because of even though that part of me resisting wasn't really in control anymore whenever it felt like time to go outside I would feel this resistance towards doing that. I realized it was because that part resisting was deathly afraid of the program actually working. Once I realized that I finally pushed myself to go watch a movie. I went to go watch "Ready Player One" which I would highly recommend if you were into cartoons, video games, and anime as I kid. Lots of funny stuff in there and I would give it either a 9.5 or 10 rating (Though the romance part of the movie was kind of "meh").
A few things I noticed was I went there to use my free movie pass the but women at the box office, who I knew when I worked there, basically put in her own pass and so I didn't even have to use my movie pass. Got to concessions where I knew a couple of other people working there. They actually let me have a free large popcorn (which they aren't suppose to) and used their card to give me a discount so I only paid 3 USD for a large drink. Other things I noticed is I didn't notice any anxiety at all when talking to people there and it felt like they were really kneen on talking to me for some reason, kind of felt weird like they were hanging on my every word. The 2 girls that were there that were somewhat attractive only seemed some what interested. I think that had to do with me not even caring at all honestly so I wasn't firing the aura all that much i think.
That does lead me to think if perhaps this is resistance or not. I feel like my standards have risen to some very high level and its like women I would have at least thought were cute don't do shit for me anymore. Its like I will look to see if there is any result then just lose interest and just say "they just don't interest me". Once again, don't know if this is natural or maybe the part resisting just artificially raised my standards to a high level to the point that the aura just won't fire off easily. I don't know if my sex drive is broken to a degree or if this really is not being needy and not giving a fuck. Guess time will tell, though I realized about an hour ago or so that I got unbelieveably horny out of nowhere for some reason. I'm wonder if maybe 3.2 A is just rebuilding up my neural pathways from the ground up after clearing stuff out so it might just take a while to see more external results.
As for internal results I do feel great. I just feel very calm, collected and confidant to a degree. Whenever a thought comes into my mind that isn't inline with the program I feel like I automatically notice it right away and the thought just disappears. I've noticed the part of me that is trying to resist is being shut out one could say. Its like the rest of me that is in agreement with the program is saying, "Well, your just acting like a spoiled child right now. You can just be in time out for a bit and then when you are done with your tantrum and have matured we will give you a seat at the table again". Based on this I do thing that part resisting after like say 30 days or so will just give up and get with the program. Its losing less and less influence by the day. I think as this new way of being becomes the new "habit" then everything else will fall inline I believe.
Also, I feel like all that hate,anger, rage I had before is just gone. With B it would use those feelings whether from the past or from being "told what to do" to fuel the resistance. Now it can't use that at all and therefore it can't muster up any effective counter measures and can't use the "chaos" strategy it was using before to throw things out of wack. It did make me drop some other things as well but I will write more on that later. Right now just have to say I'm liking it so far though it feels like something is missing so far but I'm just not sure what yet.