I am having dreams related to fear for past two days and believe me, it really scared the shit out of me.
Hybrid Centipede and presence of some evil entity..
Weird thing is that in all these dreams I am in my living room. Idk why is that.
Also I have noticed that, before when sub would play I would wake up in an hour but now I just sleep thru it...I wonder why is that.
Shannon Bro, Are u getting all this?
No, motivation right now Idk what happened.. As if my subc is in shock or something
No Motivation, No nothing.
Infact I am not even able to force myself to do anything which I think are imp.
I am only feeling this weird feeling in my head. Which looks like some kinda shift in mindset but Idk what it is.
I am back to being procrastinating and doing nothing.
Feels as if sub isn't doing that much.
Day 17-18 I think
How many loops you are listening? Maybe you could try more
No, worldpua, he's following the instructions. Shannon chimed in earlier pointing to that, and Zane is following it as instructed doing 3 loops.
Today seem like a good day and I seem to be enjoying.
Its the kinda of enjoyment you feel after you have worked hard at something.
Relaxing, chilling, listening to music... Doesn't feel like procrastination and I am not even worried. Idk if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
Meanwhile I am helping my mom start her own business which will bring extra income ofc.
Why do I feel as if Procrastination module is working but Motivation isn't?
It's hard to explain but I am not doing stuff I would count as escapism. Like Wasting time on internet or stuff like that, Infact i got rid of all time wasting stuff.. But I cant seem to get myself in that mindset to do stuff which really matters...
Whenever I try to procrastinate I start feeling uncomfortable and if start feeling nauseous if I play a little bit of game -.. PUBG - -
I feel this thought that I need to be productive but things arnt like what it was 8n the starting where I used to force myself.
I wasted all day playing games and it's not that I didn't try to be productive or anything.
I took out my books and forced myself to study but I just couldn't get my mind into it was as if it was futile. I could feel the monkey jumping in my brain and I wasn't able to control it..Along with lack of interest and motivation.. Maybe after sometime I will able to control it better.. Lets see.. Will take 2 days gap.
Started this sub on Aug 15..Time really flew by on. This sub tbh..Doesn't really feel as if I have been on it for a month feels much less.
Whenever I am on 2 days break I am so unproductive and waste my time internet.. As if subc back fire all the script... Why does this happens?
(09-09-2018, 11:48 PM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ]Whenever I am on 2 days break I am so unproductive and waste my time internet.. As if subc back fire all the script... Why does this happens?
What would it be like if on the lead up to your next two days break plan something. Make a small list of stuff that will get you out of the house for a few hours.
( 'You can do it ' that saying the bloke from Adam Sandler movies says.
)
(09-10-2018, 01:14 AM)Freckles Wrote: [ -> ] (09-09-2018, 11:48 PM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ]Whenever I am on 2 days break I am so unproductive and waste my time internet.. As if subc back fire all the script... Why does this happens?
What would it be like if on the lead up to your next two days break plan something. Make a small list of stuff that will get you out of the house for a few hours.
('You can do it ' that saying the bloke from Adam Sandler movies says. 
)
Wasted 18 hours on a Video streaming apps watching girls doing nothing except sitting in from of cam for hours and talking all useless crap.
I even donated them $4 Dollars.
I havnt wasted this much time on internet since last July. Where I wasted like 12 hours daily for like a month on chatrooms now its on another level.
Idk why i dont regret wasting time but now I have decided to uninstall that time wasting app.
I wasn't able to stop myself if my subc overtook and by the time I gained control I already wasted 24 hours of my life very effectively. Glued to screen for like 18 hours as if I found my cocaine.
Still for some reason i still wanna continue with this sub.. Cause I do feel some level self-control ever I start this sub.
Maybe my subconscious is seeking a way to socialise whenever i fall into this social networking stuff.. I can't be sure..
Cause tbh I don't feel like socialising on internet or IRL that much.. I like being an observer then being engaged in the event. I just can't seem to get into that frequency.
The reason for that is cause most people talk about shit which really won't matter after few days or weeks or even year, like stupid celebrity talks and politics. It all has the same ending just different shit, you can actually tell who this gonna end up. Its like any movie where u expect the lead actor to win 99% of time, its just that plot is different and people still worry and hoping lead actor won't die. Come On! Havnt u learned anything by watching 1000s of movies.
Going outside to learn something or some skill makes sense but wasting time on shit which wont matter doesn't makes any sense to me..
This might sound odd but I went to theaters for like only 10 times or less in past 10 years. Idk why people try so hard to watch movies as soon as it is released as if they r trying to catch up with the world. They run behind iPhone sales and wait in line like it's some sort of divine gift which is received only once in a century. It will be available in every shop in next few months.. Yet people waste 1000s and fly to another country just to buy it..
I never understood all this and tbh I used to act as if I do but now I can't seem to fake it anymore. I just don't care and people can tell from my expression that I don't give a shit about it.
Believe me I have improved alot emotionally since last year but I am still not yet in total control of my mind. I removed all stupid, negative, toxic and life/blood sucking people from my life. I paused all my religions activities cause I felt I wasn't doing it by heart and was fooling myself and the higher power I believe in.I stopped lying to myself.I just couldn't lie anymore or to anyone. Its take too much energy just to maintain that lie and when u tell the truth people resist at first but it sinks in after a while. I either keep goal and stuff to myself or just dont bother telling others cause tbh I dont give a shit and dont want any unwanted attention.
Ever since the day I was born and became aware of my existence. I tried so hard to change myself but I wasn't able to.My environment was to much hardcore and brutal.Being a Pisces (according to Rashi) I found it hard to control my emotions and was always in my fantasy and imagination. Add to that emotional trauma and my fantasies mutiplied 10x to escape from the pain of reality.Due to this I lost touch with reality and was really ungrounded for a long time. No wonder I find it hard to focus on anything.
Now that I am using sub for past year to get grounded and come back into reality after like 2 decade. I feel this sadness as if something valuable is being snatched away from me on which I have depended for years. Yet when I see the the changes it has bought in me then it only makes my resolve much more stronger.Cause in the end that's what I always ever wanted and just because I feel sad and shit doesn't mean its bad and I should leave it. No one should.
If I hadn't found IML Idk where I would have been right now,cause I saw very little hope,so little that even I wondered if it even existed.
I am not the same person I was last year. Even my family gets that now and when u fix urself everything falls into place slowly but surely Dad doesn't bother me with career/job shit, mom doesn't bother, sister now respect my boundaries and doesn't treat me like shit/crap. Biggest lesson I learned from regularly using the sub is learning to let go of the expectations and it's a huge relief cause its like in my parents DNA to expect the unexpected and in return get disappoints.
Sorry for all this long post,there isn't much in it,just wrote cause I felt I should.
Sorry the errors and typos. I always type from my mobile and my thumbs arnt keyboard friendly and auto-correct makes me look like a fool
Ok Time for a little update:
I have started a E-Rickshaw Business and I will be able to earn INR 500 everyday just by doing nothing. Its close to $7 but tbh that alot in my country.
Just for comparison Accenture"/TCS/HCL and most company that comes in my college offers job which will pay you $250 per month.If u are from normal university and not so Hi-Fi/Top university. After graduating from Engineering which is 4 years Bachelor Degree.
So few days ago a guy came to my mom and told her that he is gonna pay her INR 500 per day if she can I buy him an E-rickshaw. So I got one after looking on internet and it only 7 months old, the only problem is that it's battery has died so I will have to install new one and after that it's good for another 8 month.
I will earn about INR15000 just from One E-Rickshaw and very soon I plan to buy another one which will give me INR30000 per month.
I got thru all the paper work and shit but finally I own something that can earn and give me cash.
Now the thing is that my mom wasn't so serious about this when that guy asked her she told my dad and me but I know my dad and his weaknesses I knew how he was gonna respond. Basically he is the type of guy who loves the idea of getting rich and famous but he is too lazy, unmotivated and full of fears when it comes to doing business.
My mom asked him for INR80000 but he said that he's gonna get some money soon as he has done some private project for some guy/ company and tbh I have been hearing this shit for like since starting of 2018. He does the work and then is scared to ask his own money I mean seriously that fucked up.
He is absolutely like a school boy. He goes to office everyday. Doesn't questioned authority. Doesn't think of new ways for making money only gets what the government gives him.(Government Job)..He comes back home sleep then wake up works on laptop eat dinner then work on laptop again or watch some youtube videos related to electrical stuff and then goes to sleep..
I am not saying that he does nothing, he worked hard when he was young and got a good job thanks to that we are in much much much much better place than his own brothers.. They are totally illiterate and didn't bother to impro7their own financial conditions and hence they are facing financial troubles. My dad tried to help them also but it's useless no matter how much u help them they waste all the money on useless crap..
The Only thing is that my dad didn't think much about their children future and he didn't do any sort of investment neither in mutual funds nor real estates (just an example). He only got a little piece of land he inherited from my grandfather...
Tbh my grandfather was a much better investor than my dad.
Right now we have nothing except that land my father got and we have a "House loan" and it's for 11 fucking years!! Most of the salary goes into paying house loans and loans my mother owned to other people and then there is house expenses just to keep us alive.
We are considered 2nd richest in our neighborhood but the amount of debt we r in literally makes us like the last one in our neighborhood.
So, I got sick of all the mental bullshit belief that my parents taught me about money and I saw the opportunity and I took it...I really don't give a damn about anyone and what society says.. I just want to earn money.. I have had enough of this.. All my life I have watched my friends spend money and I just used to watch them cause I had only like INR10 in my pocket and that also I used to get once a week.
Had my dad hadn't got lazy after getting a government job and kept of thinking of new ways of earing money and kept on trying then we wouldn't have been in so much debt and could had a better life. But no..most he earns goes to paying loans and nothing is left for us..Its been like this for a long time..
I can write more but this might turn into my personal diary lol..
UMOP helped alot.. I wasn't expecting this.. All this business thingy happened so fast like I was "how did i end up doing all this"? Must be auto pilot.
You blame your father for your own unhappiness, take responsability istead.