I'm in the road to turn my vision into reality, but the negative influence is coming. I did not allow it to influence or stop me from getting what I want. And God, they just keep coming, I defend myself again. I practice to be assertive and be disciplined. Just before this, I practice to be committed to myself and my goal. I will go through no matter what to achieve goal. I will do whatever it takes. I remind myself to not to be a people pleaser and a nice guy and a doormat because that is one of the worst feeling when I do it. I will be kind to myself.
I successfully managed to be committed, and I told myself to keep committed to myself and my goal. I have to feel proud. Of course, as usual the negative though, which is, perhaps my toxic shame start coming and the voice telling me I'm bad, but I keep saying good things to myself. I feel this fear start to travel in my legs and other part of my body. What I feel is like life threatening, its like there is big threat in life. Its like in a country where there is a war.
Currently I'm on the road to freedom in life. The scariest part about getting out from this hole is when I feel fear like there is a life threat. This happen when there is external negative influence coming, just like this. The reality is not that bad, but definitely its quiet bad and happen at the wrong time.
That's it, the feeling I want to express. I remind myself to trust myself, be committed, go through the pain no matter what, when I decide not to surrender I will grow stronger and eventually I achieve my goal.
Thanks for reading.
edit: forgot to add, when eating dinner I feel proud of myself, I feel loved, and have the capacity and strength to love something/someone and go for what I want.
-this week is quite emotional, I'm unusually experienced mood swing. Since this morning I feel better emotionally, I also feel alive again since quite long time. A few hours ago I feel this old feeling again: I feel part of me is missing, and to feel complete I need to go somewhere to get the part of me that's missing. Feeling this makes me remember about traumatic childhood experience. Quite long if I explain it.
-unusual thing happens, I don't why.
-physically. My lower body feel different in a good way, like more firm or confidence. I don't know if its ASC or nofap or caffeine.
-nofap day 7. I don't use my method that I share, for some personal reasons. I may use the method I share in the future, for now my focus is to achieve current goal.
-goal - main task: make progress to solve my perfectionism problem after UNUSUALLY feel overwhelmed and procrastinate for a few days. Yay!
-When I write this journal I don't remember everything, and don't use google translate despite the "goodness" of my english, grammar mistakes here and there, but I don't worry much, maybe because I think its good enough.
now, I remember it:
-the purpose of this journal is different than before. Since I quit writing journal about my subliminal experience, this journal is focused to express my emotion. I write when my emotion quite intense and I will write whatever I want to write. It still relevant with subliminal experience, of course, but its not the focus and its different than before. I will journal until I got the sub that have healing in it.
P.S: I still not using google translate.
something I forgot to say:
-the very negative thoughts and hard to control, disappeared significantly.
big picture for last week:
-I came out of depression, anxiety, and other feelings related to "blue" I began to move to irritation, anger, and aggression. Mood swing also decreases, I more often feel horny. Much better. I feel an intense feeling a few days ago but I just updated the journal now, I focus on my highest priority.
-I find there is a very fatal weakness in my business strategy. I think this is something positive that I found this, because the good news now I've improve it to be much better. And this improvement has a big impact on my achievement, but I have to test it first.
-In the physical life section, last week I experienced a setback in changing my bedtime habits. Now the problem has been found and fixed. I also have better health, very happy with that
-not very productive because I'm feel very tired (maybe nofap), the last few days are better.
-nofap: there is something new that I learned from nofap. 1. My goal is worth fighting for, no matter how difficult 2. when making a decision, it does not matter how bad it looks at first, the most important is the consequences, so focus on the consequences 3. I can be happy without masturbation and porn, even when I'm struggling without masturbation and porn, I'm far happier in nofap. 4. a simpler life
-goal: a new plan idea
-main task: I can not overcome my perfectionism perfectly, I'm running out of time, so I have to make decisions quickly. For now, I decided to let go trying to do it right and let it be just good enough. A lesson indeed.
-tl;dr: anxiety this morning
-last night after writing this journal, I watch tv. Distracted from my highest priority, there is a section where I will improve it, and more productive. there is a time where I will improve self-discipline, and productivity.
-cry before bed when listening to instrumental music. love.
-wake up, sleep again, unsure if my body ready or not.
-negative though after wake up.
Since last night I still think about priorities, productivity, and self-discipline. For now, self-discipline has not been executed as part of my plan, in other words right now I'm in a weak condition to be productive. I will be easily not to be productive. I notice there is a decrease in productivity.
I have a plan to solve this problem, the plan is secret to make it work.
I'm productive and write journal. I feel in control, freedom, and the one that make decision.
quick post:
I have not updated the journal for a while. But in this post I will not update my journal, but this is part of my project "The Escape Plan". After making this post comes the final step, make the true decision - a commitment. But the final step is secret.
So, right after making my last post I'm back masturbating at night, but I'm not having a hard urge to control or the like. I experienced a fear that has often happened before, I failed to control the negative thoughts that come from within, So I crash and burn. With self-discipline I can handle it, but there is a reason why I consciously make the decision to masturbate again. Porn and masturbation is one part of "The Spark" that I've talked about in my E1 journal, that's why I'm not using a way to stop the additions I share in "The Chatter Box," stopping the addiction honesty is not my priority for now, because it holds one of the keys to my freedom.
I'll probably tell you that when I update the journal later, there's a big change in the last week, it's unbelievable until now that it happened.
Though I'm back masturbating again I'm not back to the rabbit hole of porn addiction. Though this was initially a mistake I found one thing missing from the mental tricks I used and bonus one more thing to learn. In two days, I only masturbate twice. Unlike usual I last longer, this may be because of the factor I do not use porn, I use my hands (usually objects, to make me more aroused), and the last one is without a goal. The thing I notice is in my mind and my behavior, I have a tendency to be disturbed in masturbation.
The most important thing is that I learned new things as a result of my decision to masturbate. In this case I did not learn intellectually but based on feeling. The thing I sometimes think about is addiction is one consequence if one does not decide to follow what that person wants. I remember when I was a kid I often do that, I often think that emotionally there is a part of me that is left in the past. I almost always follow what others say and I do not follow what my heart says. I hold back what my heart wants, it happens almost constantly.
So that's the most important thing I want to say in this process. I also did almost the same thing before with my porn addiction with porn streaming in the living room and there was my parents. Based on the conditions here it is quite a challenge.
This part is very slow and I feel quite frustrated and impatient, but on the positive side I feel very relieved because I finally got to the first most important point to freedom. I feel very tired and impatient with this persistence-related things no matter I'm good at it in the past because I experienced the disappointment that surprisingly had made an impression on my heart in the past. So, I also feel grateful with this relieved feeling.
its been a long time, I just come here to end this journal. I still in disbelieve with what happen this night. I am speechless, I feel empty, I don't know what to say.
this not really the end, I in fact about halfway to go there, I divided my plan to two parts, this is the end of part 1. I feel these way its because how the story turned out to be. its the most shocking things I ever experienced in this life.
asc journal update 11/18/2018 10:16 pm
quick start:
I'm back!
the reason for writing journal again. Since a few days ago I had a strong intuition to write a journal here as part of my plan to achieve my goals, I felt confident in the ideas I got from my intuition at the time so I decided to write a journal here. not long ago I experienced obstacles related to mindset, things that were inside basically, what happened was I lost most of my faith to many things, if things were right or not. The state of my mind is in doubt about almost everything I believe in, and in indecision. What happens I believe is something that come to the surface and is a progress, of course. So, the intuition that I got and my decision to take action from it if I connect it with the obstacles I wrote above is an unusual thing. But in the past when I decided to take unusual actions like this, something unexpected and good happen. Previously I also got a hunches, but at that time I thought I just running away, and if I ran away from what I had to focus on, then I didn't do good to myself, and doing good to myself was the first step to many things, including doing good to others. At that time, I somehow believed it was the right thing to do. So, I did it. Things that were difficult to understand and accept at that time.
journal purpose. The purpose of this journal is different than before. Previously, I wrote journal to express my feelings, as I recall it was an idea that I got after reading articles on the internet for emotional health. I think it is a good idea because at that time I did not use a sub that covers emotional health. But after a while I often find conflicting advice, I started to questioning the reasons why I do it, and so on. because I'm not sure, I don't do it anymore, at least for now. Now, the main focus of this journal is on the most important thing, which is about achieving my goals. I might include other things, but that might only be around 20%. I would soon find out.
since last post. there are a lot of things that happened after the last time I updated the journal. There are quite a number of unexpected things that I believe the effects of asc. If I think about it, it's hard to believe that an effect like this comes from ASC, I mean ASC is a sub that isn't like what I think, maybe different and more than what I think.
start. considering I intend to reflect on things that have happened since the last update later and the situation is very chaotic now, what I will do besides making this "quick start" post is back on track. I will come back again to update the journal after completing the task.
I'm back!
It's been a long time since the last port, I feel very ... different.
I came to update the journal because based on my plan, this is the time.
quick post:
Change of the plan. At first I intended to continue updating the journal not long after the last post, but the plan didn't work so I changed the plan maybe a few months ago. I stopped using ASC and start using E1. At one point I realized that ASC's performance for me at the time was not working as good as I wanted, some of my goals using ASC had been reached, and I also thought that at that time I was better off using E1. So, I started thinking about making decisions based on the goals I wanted to achieve at that time and making sure that this was not self-sabotaging behavior. So, besides about updating the journal, this is what I changed.
ASC results in a nutshell. Even though in terms of performance ASC in this run is not good enough for me, but in term of result is quite satisfying. I use ASC with a specific purpose related to my project, one example is taking action, executing my plan makes me have to go to a public place that I have never visited before, considering I have severe anxiety, going to a place like that can be very scary. In ASC I'm more of an action taker. It was quite satisfying in my opinion though when viewed in terms of ASC performance for me it was not good enough. I now also know better that self-confidence is more than what I previously thought. Also, I don't know whether it's intentional or because I used AM6 before, or something else but I'm more like James Bond, can make witty comments, come back, more persuasive, more "smooth", I feel more cool and tough when taking action (this is different feeling when I using AM6). Apart from that, using ASC also affects things like self-love, self-esteem, boundaries. That is the part that I am very sure of and still remember. The last point I want to mention is the effect of ASC that I don't know, my theory is that it might have something to do with chakra, aura or vibration. One of them is that I started to know what I didn't know before in my life, some examples were some of my friends turned out to be fake friends, started acting "weird" after I used ASC, my parents (father) were quite narcissitic (its more than toxic people), [edited as per rule 4]. Also one of my neighbors. Many of my distant families also turned out to be toxic. Most of what I know and mention are people who I'm very sure have a narcissistic mental disorder. [edited as per rule 4], after I observed at least one person has been spying on me for a long time, perhaps since I was in class 2 or 3 vocational high school.
How is my life now and what I do. From one side my life got worse and on the other side my life got better. I'm still far from the life I want. There are many that I want and will learn from all this and there is still a lot that I have to achieve. I also have to repair the damage. Some of the biggest damage in my opinion is about the failure while achieving my goal, [edited as per rule 4]. I've been using E1 for quite a long time, even though my usage isn't good enough, I can say E1's performance for current run exceeds the standard. And even though like I said before I am still far from the life I want, but so far there have been many things that happened that I will give a big point, and yes, E1 helped me fix some of the damage I mentioned above. The part that I've always wondered is why most of the time when I got a lot of effect I'm not writing a journal. That is still a mystery. And, this is the last thing that is difficult to express in words I feel very happy that after all this time in struggle and every day feels more difficult with every attempt. I was finally able to "assemble the first and most important puzzle" to get out of the seemengly never ending groundhog day, and finally be able to move forward. That's enough about E1, for now. I plan to make a separate journal, but before that I will review some posts in this journal because there are some things that I need to clarify to avoid misunderstandings. I planned to write the journal when I reached the "checkpoint" achieving my goal. After finishing writing a journal I will work on a project that I named "Man of Action", something I create while running ASC. I still don't know what the overall goal of this project is, what I know exactly now is that this project serves to do other tasks that I have to do when I try to reach my main goal. In addition, this project also functions to control the important areas of life (such as physical and financial life) to achieve goals. The next life area that I will work on is financial life, finally after all this time.
After 4 years you should be aware of the rules by now, some of that isn't appropriate due to rule 4.
Good you're noticing good results with ASC though.