Ok, so I just had a realization or breakthrough whatever you want to call it. With my realizations it's like a feeling, a genuine knowing of it. That's such an important aspect of it, because you can understand it from a logical perspective, but you just have to have this higher knowing. It's really hard to describe, it feels like it integrates with your being instead of being a foreign concept you can't grasp.
Anyway onto the realization. I realized that negativity or depression isn't me. It seems so simple, but until you really understand that these are things that happen to you, but not part of you, you can easily let them come to pass. This is what I missed in my attempts at meditation, I would feel all the negativity, but I would still hold onto it. I just couldn't grasp the idea of acceptance and releasing of emotions. But accepting a negative emotion is acknowledgement that it is there, not allowing it to control you. From that point you can just allow it to drift through you and pass without attachment.
My problem was I saw my negativity as a part of myself, as my identity. In a lot of ways I was selfish and unwilling to change or challenge this negativity. My habits in my mind just caused me to become a negativity magnet, I attracted more negativity than positivity. It seems weird that such a self defeating behavior was actually wanted by my mind and in some ways I derived pleasure from being able to keep the negativity.
So I understand this now. Just putting it into practice will be difficult. I have the tendency to suppress emotions, which is no good. Even though it makes me feel good for a while, it is very taxing. I just have to be careful not to slip up and let things get to me. But as I said before I understand this concept in a much more meaningful way now.
Congratulations on your enlightenment, Mat.
Haven't posted here in a while. Sometimes I feel like I should be keeping better track of my changes in this journal. But I'm all tied up with college and whatnot, I've barely got any time to do the stuff I really want to do. Then even when I've got time I've just been under so much stress. I often wonder if the Alpha sub was a bad decision to take on during the semester, but I really have no other alternative because it's a six month program. Also I've kind of fallen away from the community here on this forum. I feel like lately I don't have as much energy to even do the things I want to do, so everything feels like a chore.
Going through the motions would perfectly explain how I feel right now. I'm finishing up my last semester at this community college with a computer security and forensics A.A.S. degree. But I feel like I wasted my time and money. Sure I'm going to have some fancy degree under my name now, but I've felt a lot of the time I was never really learning or practicing hands on. Part of that is just how I hate the memorization and regurgitation of information, which is what most of college is. I mean I learned things, but I could have also learned those things by just reading the book, which is essentially what I did in my classes. I don't want to say college is a scam because it does have some involvement in building a foundation, but I hate how it's become absolutely necessary. The whole system just seems screwed up, everyone wants credentials and you have to pay just to get your foot in the door, and even then during college it's like a mini vacation where you prepare for the real world.
Lately I've just felt lost. Feeling direction-less is an incredibly frustrating feeling. I just feel like I'm ill-equipped for handling the real world and I've been doing my best to help myself with these subliminals. Everything just feels wrong and I can't tell if that's fear and me not wanting to push myself or if I need to find my own path. I feel like I pursued this degree more out of fear than genuine interest. The only reason I tend to be good with computers is because I have a compulsion to fix problems and I get hyper-focused until I can fix it.
I guess right now what I'm really doing is venting. I need this too. I think there's a lot of things that get stuck up in my head and buzz around there until I can see them in tangible form. Today I really realized how much pressure I put on myself to be more social or outgoing. Somedays the desire just isn't there and I'll admit that sometimes anxiety plays a factor, but through and through I am mostly an introvert. I just feel like all my life my own personality, my own character, who I essentially am, was downplayed by so many people constantly telling me I was too quiet. Having guilt for how I naturally am is like feeling I'm defective in some way. Or maybe I'm just labeling myself and fulfilling a role. But some people are just naturally more talkative, I've just never been that way. Describing why that is is like trying to explain why my hair is blond. It just is.
Lately I've just felt this disconnection from the world or maybe more confusion. It's just been like the movie The Matrix where Morpheus gives that analogy about the splinter in your mind. I feel like I've just been on this quest for an answer, but I still don't know the question. Maybe everyone feels like this and I just think I'm all alone.
(03-05-2012, 07:59 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Haven't posted here in a while. Sometimes I feel like I should be keeping better track of my changes in this journal. But I'm all tied up with college and whatnot, I've barely got any time to do the stuff I really want to do. Then even when I've got time I've just been under so much stress. I often wonder if the Alpha sub was a bad decision to take on during the semester, but I really have no other alternative because it's a six month program. Also I've kind of fallen away from the community here on this forum. I feel like lately I don't have as much energy to even do the things I want to do, so everything feels like a chore.
Going through the motions would perfectly explain how I feel right now. I'm finishing up my last semester at this community college with a computer security and forensics A.A.S. degree. But I feel like I wasted my time and money. Sure I'm going to have some fancy degree under my name now, but I've felt a lot of the time I was never really learning or practicing hands on. Part of that is just how I hate the memorization and regurgitation of information, which is what most of college is. I mean I learned things, but I could have also learned those things by just reading the book, which is essentially what I did in my classes. I don't want to say college is a scam because it does have some involvement in building a foundation, but I hate how it's become absolutely necessary. The whole system just seems screwed up, everyone wants credentials and you have to pay just to get your foot in the door, and even then during college it's like a mini vacation where you prepare for the real world.
Lately I've just felt lost. Feeling direction-less is an incredibly frustrating feeling. I just feel like I'm ill-equipped for handling the real world and I've been doing my best to help myself with these subliminals. Everything just feels wrong and I can't tell if that's fear and me not wanting to push myself or if I need to find my own path. I feel like I pursued this degree more out of fear than genuine interest. The only reason I tend to be good with computers is because I have a compulsion to fix problems and I get hyper-focused until I can fix it.
I guess right now what I'm really doing is venting. I need this too. I think there's a lot of things that get stuck up in my head and buzz around there until I can see them in tangible form. Today I really realized how much pressure I put on myself to be more social or outgoing. Somedays the desire just isn't there and I'll admit that sometimes anxiety plays a factor, but through and through I am mostly an introvert. I just feel like all my life my own personality, my own character, who I essentially am, was downplayed by so many people constantly telling me I was too quiet. Having guilt for how I naturally am is like feeling I'm defective in some way. Or maybe I'm just labeling myself and fulfilling a role. But some people are just naturally more talkative, I've just never been that way. Describing why that is is like trying to explain why my hair is blond. It just is.
Lately I've just felt this disconnection from the world or maybe more confusion. It's just been like the movie The Matrix where Morpheus gives that analogy about the splinter in your mind. I feel like I've just been on this quest for an answer, but I still don't know the question. Maybe everyone feels like this and I just think I'm all alone.
Hey Matt, ya know I don't think this is the real world, I think we experience that when we sleep and when we pass on, of course I could be wrong.
I think this a place to learn.
There is also nothing wrong with being an introvert, I am very much an introvert and while I have not had experiences most people crave and think they want I have had experiences that they cannot possibly imagine. Don't fight yourself over your nature is what I am trying to say. I would rather say little that means something than much that does not, and I am guessing you are the same.
A wiser man than me said "be in the world but not of it" and another quote which I like goes something like " if I had an hour to live, I would spend 50 minutes trying to find the right question to ask myself to live and 10 minutes answering it" - Einstein, I think.
Interesting post mat. You actually made me realize something and you are not alone. I think I got my degree out of fear as well. I didn't actually want to do it.. I just thought it was cool. I ended up doing it anyways and got a degree in it. I wasted my parents money and I don't want to go back to school to get another degree. I have moments where I feel like "will I ever make it in the 'real world'?"
Also... I guess I've wondered.. why am I really here. What is my purpose to being on this earth. I guess that is my only question and my only answer has been to be. To be the light.. and to share it. I've been reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and it's a fantastic book. If you like his teachings and choose to internalize them you will naturally become more of an extrovert without trying. It may be fulfilling for you to change people's lives. I was doing that at the very end of sex magnet and beginning my second run of alpha male. I just had no attachment to anything but had all the love and energy to share with everyone because when I did that I felt more awake and enlightened.
If you are unhappy then you've got to be happy. Realize that fear of course is only an illusion.. and we must as men continue to push ourselves. In whatever direction that may be. I am currently stuck at the moment but forgiving what is and letting it be has been a great help to me in the tough times. What I can suggest to you right now is get a job to support yourself as you find out what really tickles your fancy. I know what I want to do now to support myself but it may take some more time because I have to continue improving my craft before I can pass on my skills (in drumsszz) oh and singing too. Next American Idol audition.. watch for me.
I don't know if this helps you.. but trust me you are not they only one. Btw... you might benefit from using seek the challenge. Along the way you may find some new hobbies that you actually love. And will create new paths for you to choose from..
Mat, I recently read the book "What Happy People Know" the other week when I was down in the dumps, feeling extremely hopeless and overloaded with physical (and mental) anxiety I could not get rid of.
This made me realize some things that would benefit me long-term. Is that you cannot choose to be happy but there are 12 qualities of happiness. I would assume that Alpha and others take care of the majority. However, one thing I lacked was Gratitude and Appreciation. And I started that sub, right now going through a rough resistance patch...but, the initial effects/high were spectacular. Not only in the moment, but completely content and happy with the things I had. It can only get better and I realized because I wasn't grateful, appreciative and loving, I had a lot of fear inside of me.
The book mentions gratitude, love, and appreciation are the root fix for fear. And I'm doing this experiment at the moment. We'll see in the next week or so.
And Spiral's mention of the book "The Power of Now" is a great read. But I found it interesting with the Gratitude sub I feel more inclined to develop a better sense of spirituality in myself and I want to focus more on the present moment and being mentally "Ok".
Eckhart Tolle, the author of "The Power of Now" started living in the moment after a horrible cause of suicidal depression and anxiety that crippled his mind to just simply "shut off". I've experienced this many times, that your mind goes into overload and has to sort of shut off for a while to cool down. This can make you experience the moment since you're not thinking much anymore. Of course, not a healthy way of getting to such point but it helped him realize, the moment can overcome anxiety, depression, worry, fears, and physical health problems, if you practice it.
Carpe Diem is a good one for this and is still on my list to continue. I may be deciding to use that after a rough anxiety patch the last 2 days.
Sometimes, and especially lately, I feel like a broken toy that cannot be fixed. Like there is so much physically and mentally wrong with me. The anxiety can be crippling to me. The depression isn't as bad but just makes me dread the future. I want these issues to go away, I don't want to live with the suffering of these things anymore so now I am putting these theories to the test to overcome my issues of not trusting in myself (and my health), worry about the future and esp. the unknown, and feeling like I do not deserve nor have good things in my life all of which I believe can be tackled by living in the moment...and being content with what you have through gratitude, appreciation and self acceptance.
Ryan
I agree with Ryan. Gratification can help you in so many ways. It's beautiful
Good to hear from you again Matt!
I see you're still going through the familiar struggles of AM and life right now. I've been doing ASC for the past 40 or so days, and it's helping me so much in dealing with fears and doubts. I agree with Spiral and Ryan on the Gratitude sub but also consider adding in ASC and running the two of them for 3 months (90 days). I'm quite sure you'll be better after doing this. Good luck to you man...and may the power protect you.
SantaRich Wrote:There is also nothing wrong with being an introvert, I am very much an introvert and while I have not had experiences most people crave and think they want I have had experiences that they cannot possibly imagine. Don't fight yourself over your nature is what I am trying to say. I would rather say little that means something than much that does not, and I am guessing you are the same.
A wiser man than me said "be in the world but not of it" and another quote which I like goes something like " if I had an hour to live, I would spend 50 minutes trying to find the right question to ask myself to live and 10 minutes answering it" - Einstein, I think.
Yeah I think embracing my nature is something that will give me a lot more peace of mind. Although I haven't had amazing experiences, I can definitely understand where you are coming from.
Spiral Wrote:Interesting post mat. You actually made me realize something and you are not alone. I think I got my degree out of fear as well. I didn't actually want to do it.. I just thought it was cool. I ended up doing it anyways and got a degree in it. I wasted my parents money and I don't want to go back to school to get another degree. I have moments where I feel like "will I ever make it in the 'real world'?"
Good to know I'm not alone. These thoughts I have a lot of the time are mostly just distortions and they do come to pass eventually. It's just for that moment in time when they are there it feels like the end of the world.
Ryan Wrote:Sometimes, and especially lately, I feel like a broken toy that cannot be fixed. Like there is so much physically and mentally wrong with me. The anxiety can be crippling to me. The depression isn't as bad but just makes me dread the future. I want these issues to go away, I don't want to live with the suffering of these things anymore so now I am putting these theories to the test to overcome my issues of not trusting in myself (and my health), worry about the future and esp. the unknown, and feeling like I do not deserve nor have good things in my life all of which I believe can be tackled by living in the moment...and being content with what you have through gratitude, appreciation and self acceptance.
I can really relate to that feeling. Feeling like I'm broken is definitely the result of anxiety. I've got more social anxiety, but sometimes I feel like I'm living in a constant state of it. I suffer from depression at times too, but my theory is it's all tied to the anxiety. Sometimes I feel like being a guy and having anxiety is a blow to my perception of myself as a man. Men are supposed to challenge fear head on, and that's something I always struggled with. I've gotten a lot better, but I envy those guys that were just born into this world with incredible self-confidence.
I'll check that book out. It looks like it's got some interesting stuff in it. It seems like in my worst moments that practicing gratitude makes me feel like a bad person because the stuff doesn't matter. I think maybe I should practice more self-love. I mean right now I'm criticizing myself for not having enough gratitude haha. Social anxiety is one hell of a problem because it has this tendency to make me think of myself as less of a person. I think that's really the one two punch, maybe if I learned more self love and didn't bash myself for having this problem I wouldn't feel as broken.
K-Train Wrote:Good to hear from you again Matt!
I see you're still going through the familiar struggles of AM and life right now. I've been doing ASC.for the past 40 or so days, and it's helping me so much in dealing with fears and doubts. I agree with Spiral and Ryan on the Gratitude sub but also consider adding in ASC.and running the two of them for 3 months (90 days). I'm quite sure you'll be better after doing this. Good luck to you man...and may the power protect you.
Thanks man. I actually remember I ran through absolute self confidence 3G version once in the past. It really gave me that kick, that even despite the fear I just knew I could push past it. I remember one day I was just hanging out on my college campus waiting for my next class and this cute girl asked me for the time, which is funny because I knew it was just an opener to talk to me haha. But anyway I started a conversation with her, heart pounding, but had some fun. After that I was just in shock because I couldn't believe I did that. It seems simple but for me it was a huge jump. Anyway I'll definitely look into those two subs.
In other news I had some fun today sparring my friend at his house. I've always loved boxing, but had a hard time sparring because of my anxiety. Well today I pretty much pushed past that fear and just did it. It felt really good and I'm proud I didn't wuss out. I kind of want to join a boxing gym, but I'm still not sure. I might just spar with my friends and my brother instead. I don't think I really want to do it competitively, but then again I don't really know.
The thing I really like about boxing is you have that fight or flight response. Normally when I get that around people because of social anxiety I feel like I either need to leave or just get overly aggressive. At least with boxing I can challenge that response. I don't know it's so weird, I can get punched in the face and beat up, essentially fight someone. Most people would avoid that out of fear, but just have an easy time doing things that I find difficult. I think it's because in boxing I have control, I can avoid the punches and punch back. In real life people are unpredictable and I don't have control over how they view me, I guess that scares me and I just fear their judgment or criticism of me. Goes back to that old phrase sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Words hurt a lot more than being punched in the face for me haha.
Mat, in the previous post, you have violated Rule #4. Please correct that.
I tried to write something encouraging for you this morning, but ended up with a rambling mess that would have made no sense. But no... you are not alone.
Check out my life is magic sub suggestion in the forum, I think this would benefit both of us
Ryan
(03-07-2012, 12:03 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Mat, in the previous post, you have violated Rule #4. Please correct that.
I tried to write something encouraging for you this morning, but ended up with a rambling mess that would have made no sense. But no... you are not alone.
Ah, my bad Shannon. I fixed the post. Thanks for the attempt at writing something for me, I know you are a busy man. But knowing I'm not alone has given me a lot more peace of mind.
Ryan Wrote:Check out my life is magic sub suggestion in the forum, I think this would benefit both of us
Cool, I'll check it out now.