And looking back during the storm, my exposure to my mom was steadily frustrating. Stuck in fear, she swirls around, looking for "crisis!" or even imagined crisis. And..........I realized she's completely insecure with new objects or things in her manicured apartment. My stuff was being meticulously rearranged for her own benefit constantly.
But I blew up on her (45 minutes after) she habitually cut me down for not knowing something, laughing thinking it was funny. It pissed me off, I sat with it, and then chose to speak with her when she came in to "rearrange her environment". It went nowhere, as she instantly dismissed my feelings and understanding, not seeing her actions affected someone besides her, and thinking I was wrong for challenging her. I emotionally cut her off inside, was angry for hours, but I left the next morning.
She's a morning to night alcoholic who does not want to change anything in her life.
I'm her son, facing the same core issues. UD is a gift since it's unlocking my mind, steadily. Now that I think about it, I've read men's journals while going through normal resistance and change phases. Since UD is essentially all or most of the same clearing tools, I'm not surprised, shocked, or even afraid. It happens, and I am actually grateful to have gone through this: I'm very grateful I'm going through it vs. being stuck in it (emotionally frozen). The latter is living hell.
Ben,
I have a basic question. I know UD has a similar skeleton script to DMSI, MLS, and MHS, but I've not followed threads the last few months.
Does UD have scripts on forgiving oneself?
I'm only assuming yes since detoxing one's mind and emotions implies forgiving oneself for failing often at such endeavors, but I have no knowledge if it's actually scripted in UD. Thanks.
Has anyone else had this growing awareness that their social "front", their normal bull****, is just a big coverup? Even my (imagined) time at my normal Friday night meeting did NOT feel right or good to me. I ended up skipping the meeting so I wouldn't be fighting myself in the meeting. It's like a steadily awakening part of me is progressively louder when I want to put on my "cool" mask, or my "I am FINE" mask. Me lying to me is becoming more and more uncomfortable, and I have honestly never faced this before. I have always, instinctively, put on the mask I thought would keep me "safest". However, I've often (very often) been hard on myself after. Putting on "not-me" masks is me rejecting me, and something in me is fighting for me to be REAL.
It feels good being real, and I'm looking for more. It's not difficult being real, but my resistance is putting up a fight.
I've been consistently seeing, feeling, and knowing it while on my job around a man who can speak brutal truth at times (coincidence?). His courage to face his BS stands out to me, I've begun being "real" with him, and ..... it's scary. My old voices began getting louder today when he chose not to drop a subject I strategicly tried to dodge--me not dating anyone presently. However, since the old voices have led me to hurt me time and time again, I stayed in the conversation, sharing timidly at times, though I was honest. Surprisingly, he accepted that.
Who knew? I didn't
Quote:Ben,
I have a basic question. I know UD has a similar skeleton script to DMSI, MLS, and MHS, but I've not followed threads the last few months.
Does UD have scripts on forgiving oneself?
I'm only assuming yes since detoxing one's mind and emotions implies forgiving oneself for failing often at such endeavors, but I have no knowledge if it's actually scripted in UD. Thanks.
It likely does as it has healing, but only to the extent of what might be in the way of detox. The healing script is something Shannon can enable in the programs he chooses, but i'm not sure how much forgiveness would be in UD specifically. That's a good thing for Shannon to say when he comes back.
That's cool how you're becoming aware of the social mask you're putting on. Sam Ryter talks about that and how the process to learning how to more naturally connect with people is to start to drop the masks.
It's interesting UD brought you to that realization, it's making this program more tempting for me.
Thank you Ben for your comment. It does feel good to reach out honestly, and receive honest reflections.
Ben, would you put this thread in the Men's Journal section? Thank you.
(09-16-2017, 12:14 AM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Quote:Ben,
I have a basic question. I know UD has a similar skeleton script to DMSI, MLS, and MHS, but I've not followed threads the last few months.
Does UD have scripts on forgiving oneself?
I'm only assuming yes since detoxing one's mind and emotions implies forgiving oneself for failing often at such endeavors, but I have no knowledge if it's actually scripted in UD. Thanks.
It likely does as it has healing, but only to the extent of what might be in the way of detox. The healing script is something Shannon can enable in the programs he chooses, but i'm not sure how much forgiveness would be in UD specifically. That's a good thing for Shannon to say when he comes back.
The nice thing about the way UD is scripted is that it becomes whatever you need it to be for it to achieve it's goal. If you need self forgiveness to be fully healthy, then whatever is causing you to need it is in effect degrading your health, and would be "detoxified". UD is a heavily optimized form of SOPS (Self Optimizing Polymorphic Scripting) that does many things with each statement.
Thanks Shannon. I read that hours ago, and I know I'm honestly not seeing how big that truth is: that whatever I'm using, depending on, escaping with, or just denying--is actually what the SOPS focuses on if it's making me mentally, emotionally, or physically toxic. I'll keep my eyes open for more elaboration, as that truth is BIG. I'm led initially to say or feel "nah, it's not that powerful".
However, even today I was on the phone with my old NA sponsor. We had time, and just talked about the hurricane we'd experienced. After a while, he finally asked me about my 12 step work presently. I got (unusually) emotionally and passionately honest with him, sharing about my lack of effort or intention to grow, disguised by lots of looking good and putting up fronts. I was puking out my ugly. It hurt a little afterwards--since I've OFTEN puked something, then immediately forgot it (shame would rise, and I'd bury it)....but I couldn't forget it. I was honest, present, and passionate about my truth, and....I didn't/couldn't run away. I owned it. I did something today I don't think I've done in many years: I was real, honest, and vulnerable with another person, and I didn't run away. Hours later, it's still sitting with me.
I've had no idea, understanding, or courage on how to move out of my norm of my habitual discomfort. UD is allowing me to do something different....... and I'm just going with it. It's 10X better than sitting in it :-)
Nice man, that's what I noticed briefly from Inner Bonding.. I opened up alot around when I met my mum, but i've started to close down again since unfortunately and it's frustrating, so UD definately sounds like it's congruent to what i'm looking for.
I'm a little nervous. I have an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting today in a couple of hours. I've been thinking of if, how, and why I'd share honestly. I was there Thursday, I led it (unplanned), and right at the end I tried spitting out how I'd not REALLY been doing much of any program work in a very long time.
As days have passed using UD, I've seen myself scraping away all the toxic, binding beliefs and feelings which I've held to tightly for years. I'm not seeing myself getting attention (it's not my thing)--I've seen (and felt) myself freeing myself. After yesterday with my old sponsor spitting out stuff freely, I can only imagine what'll come up today.
I've cried a few times today while alone. I expect to cry today with others. (why do we feel sad when our chains come off?) Just began crying when re-reading my post here.
UD is a really, REALLY powerful program. That doesn't mean it is always going to be obvious. A lot of people assume that obvious = power.
The Silent Service will tell you otherwise.
UD us not necessarily always very obvious in what it does, or all of what it does, but it is very much a powerful and life changing program, if you use it as instructed.
(09-17-2017, 10:29 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]UD is a really, REALLY powerful program. That doesn't mean it is always going to be obvious. A lot of people assume that obvious = power.
The Silent Service will tell you otherwise.
UD us not necessarily always very obvious in what it does, or all of what it does, but it is very much a powerful and life changing program, if you use it as instructed.
hi shannon is everything sorted out now?