I was at a 12 step meeting today, and I admitted something I'd never owned publicly. I shared I'd been in 12 step meetings for most of 20 years, but I'd made the meetings a place where I put on my best front, and I have been sharing for years whatever YOU needed to hear, or what I knew would make ME look good. Even before UD, I knew I was lying and ignoring me, and it disgusted me. I didn't know how to do anything different.
I shared that recently I've seen some who, by doing real and tough program work, were freeing themselves. I shared it been gradually been pissing me off since I've played the faithful "nice" guy for many years, and it's been a complete lie--to myself. I traded me liking me for you liking me.
Growing up I learned that being honest was not acceptable or wanted, so I had been practicing old family rules all these years.
Along these same lines, I have been unwilling to write here knowing I was motivated to "look good in your eyes".
I'm becoming angry at my bulls***, my lies to me.
The real pisser is that I'm not a victim here. I played that "poor me" violin for years. I created that.
And only I can create something different. I need to.
I've had something growing in me, and I've written about it before. I acted on it tonight.
I've shared how I've put on a false face to win people's approval in my 12 step rooms, the atmosphere I've spent the majority of my free time in. What's been growing in me is a discomfort with me. Yeah, a discomfort with me.
I didn't go to my meeting tonight. I've habitually put on a "I'm good!" face. I'm sick of doing this, and a slight anger is motivating me. Not pride, not fear, nor dishonesty. Like a kid in me is pissed by me ignoring me to win their approval.
I even skipped my "important" meeting Wednesday--since I don't like me there (and another guy who I feel unsafe with). I felt guilty about it Wednesday, but feel "sure" about it now, which is new to me. A fear of rejection has guided me for years.
I thought UD was kind of quiet, but having sat on it, I'm seeing it is very, very active in my thinking.
So.......this is a VICTORY for me. I did something I wanted to tonight. I took care of me.
Crap. An admission.
I blamed a guy who is emotionally unhealthy for my not going Wednesday. I couldn't control him, he's been a dominating controller his whole life, and I hid in that belief, fearing his anger at my dislike of it.
I don't think that was my real fear. I have been more afraid of me, a new me. Who will I be? How (should) I react? Who am I now? I'm so used to reacting to anyone and everyone around me. This is not a small admission. Whether it's with my daughter, coworker, mother, or whoever, I'm always waiting on them to admit their present mood on life (or a situation) so I can match it. No s***. I've played "nice" by agreeing with almost anything. I did say almost.
But in a coworker's words, I've played a "bitch" for others, my whole life long. I've been your "yes man". I saw nothing good in that--for ME--so I didn't go.
(What the frick is this sub doing in me? I like it)
Stuff is coming up. Stuff is.
I've not written often on the men's forum due to a core issue and hidden feeling in my life I've tried to avoid: remembering my brother.
I was 13 or so, my brother a year older. I relied daily on him due to no father (ever), and my mom never dated. My brother was my protector, and I didn't fear anyone in school due to that. I lived knowing he was in my corner. Junior high came, and my brother, feeling desperate, fought for respect and validation. I often remember seeing his scared, hurting expression that last year, having no leader in his own corner.
To be accepted, he got into drugs, both using and dealing, and finally could not take my mom's constant criticism. So in a whirl, he left home one day. He just left. He moved in with a worker's family, working full-time laying carpet and quitting school. I went numb.
I was left with only my mom, an emotionally evasive alcoholic. I'd not had to grow while my brother protected me, and I felt unequipped to ask for help. (No, my mom never noticed or said anything to me. NADA) "I may get rejected again", I thought, and following my mom's example, I went inside a shell. Always looking down at school, avoiding males constantly, I didn't have much confidence, but I had some attention from a few girls. I felt like shit, but putting on a smile was easier with pretty girls. It still is today.
I've not looked into this my last 20 years in recovery rooms. I've focused on myself or mom mostly, always blaming a person (or myself a lot--it was easier). But feeling what my brother left me with--hell no. I've spoken about him, but always disconnected from my feelings. Always. Year after year. Very disconnected.
I realized this yesterday when on the phone with my old sponsor. I'd called him days earlier in an emotional panic, knowing he wasn't home, but didn't pick up his calls when he called hours later. While speaking with him yesterday, I was seeking to......admit why I'd not picked up his calls.
I realized....that I wanted--no, NEEDED--a brother, and I'd put men in my life to fill that old void, ever since my youth. I admitted, on the spot, that I often expected him to take care of me like my brother did. I hadn't picked up his calls since I knew--he wouldn't/couldn't do that. I'd feared being rejected again, like with my brother. And I heard me saying it. That's why I've not gotten close to many men at all, even after knowing them for multiple years.
But a part of me still needs my brother. I miss him.
I've been on and off with tears writing this. It is coming up..........which I've needed. Tears are flowing.
It's been scary admitting this.
Props for having the courage to admit this here, as well as what you told your sponsor. Family is important.
I once let my younger brother down. The pain of that hasn't gone away, but I've tried to make up for it.
I doubt your brother was rejecting you personally, like me he was probably a little misguided, especially with your mother as she was.
My mother is very much the same. Not quite an alcoholic but definitely emotionally distant ad avoidant. Never re-married and hasn't been in any lasting relationships.
Thanks Sarge. I appreciate your support. (I'm seeing myself with my head down, thanking you for caring to write. No kidding. That's been my template since that time in my childhood)
UD is the reason this is coming up. Even today, I've been home, doing nothing but reading. And I put on UD with no plans.
A feeling unlike I've experienced before UD came up: a mix of pain and anger needing to get out. I read here for a while, and thought "why not?" So I began writing, and the story came with it.
No problem man. I'm glad you're taking the time to work through it instead of ignoring or running away from it. I try to do the same. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
Something I'm writing about again--an angry feeling/reaction from people being jerks to me.
I was showering, thinking about one boss I have who has become more persistent in his games of power. I imagined a verbal battle after he'd thrown a jab at me in front of the other workers.
And I'm stopping there. I've been mad at me, and I'm discovering I have a voice. I've allowed people to misuse me and disrespect me, as it was safer for me to cower than resist when younger. But I'm gaining a voice to speak up for myself. It's empowering, if I could find one word for it.
Months back I made a thread asking Shannon if he'd put an assertiveness module in E2. Something is working in UD, despite my assumptions about it. Something is working in me fiercely--I've never known this kind of thinking.
Shannon, this is for you.
I was reading my daily reader from Adult Children of Alcoholics this morning, and I read a page on the "inner drug store". I'll quote the first paragraph.
"Do the following situations sound familiar? We walk into a room full of strangers and instinctively find the most toxic people to befriend. We leave home with "just enough" time so our adrenaline is pumping when we arrive at our destination. We over-commit ourselves so that we can't possibly do everything we promised, and then shame ourselves because we've failed yet again."
I've been thinking about this almost the entire day. I don't do drugs or drink--they've never been my thing. But.
But I live this way EVERY single day. It's a cycle of excitement (fear), pain, and shame. Excitement (fear), pain, and shame. "Nothing's wrong with me!......" I don't want to see this, but I did clearly this morning.
Finances.
Friendships.
Family
Ambitions
I'll share something real in my life. I've been investing money with binary options traders, seeking another "high" (excitement). I've chosen poor brokers and traders, so I'm perpetually scared I'll not be paid (fear). I have not been paid once so far (pain, shame).
I am stuck with shame due to not paying rent on time, missing child support...........I've done this almost 6 months. I feel ashamed writing this.
I am admitting this is the lifestyle of an addict. Fear, pain, shame. Over and over again. Fear, pain, shame. ------And money is only a SINGLE avenue for it. I am NOT kidding. This thinking DICTATES my life, and has for years.
I needed to write this. I'm using UD, and it's doing something in me. I know little about the scripts (I don't know how much it'll morph to my issues), so I'm sharing this hoping it might click with your understandings and directions in future scripts--I'm encouraging a sub for this mentality. If you have some insight, I'd be grateful to hear it.
Additionally, I've lived a lifestyle of not asking for help, except when desperate. I'll tell somebody, not sure who, where, or when.
Being honest, I am the guy who has a problem in the room, but........he's not thought it "bad enough" to do something different. Denial has won most days. It's eroding though, I think.
I am not happy or at peace with myself about this (money--bigtime right now). Fear of being shamed has kept me quiet.
I copied and pasted this to my old sponsor. He's been clean and sober almost 30 years.
I am thinking UD is hitting my core truths, ones I am still hanging on to. My "truth" that I'm helpless. My "truth" that I need saving. My "truth" that....I can't do life right. And my "truth" that if I focus on YOUR problems, I'll feel better about me.
I'm also seeing I'm disliking more unhealthy behaviors and thinking in people who aren't aware they're doing such things. Even my Saturday night hangout is with 2 clean addicts, both with 20 or more years in NA, but the daily choices I see don't fit me well. It's hard to be motivated to grow around people who are stagnant. One's main hobby is watching TV (retired in his 60's). The other.........I'm seeing I'm judging, for I've been in a similar mindset--the addict mentality I shared 2 posts up. It hurts seeing him make counterproductive choices, constantly seeking outside solutions, when as I see it, he's merely acting out what's driving him inside: fear, pain, and shame.
But I've done it. And I do it still, though I'm becoming more conscious of it. So........ I am in the same spot again, but with UD to help: minding my own business. Doing what I can. Doing the next right thing. I've known and heard these words for years. I've always been an observer, as I could not see my own actions, my very self, in those lessons and examples. I saved myself from being aware that "I'm scared to change".
May I say it? It's kind of "addictive" to go through such change. I'm in a movie, I'm being directed (by UD), and I'm liking the change. I'll keep it up. Because going back.........god no.
If there's one feeling that's been surfacing steadily, it's been grief. I'm saying goodbye to an old reality, a piece at a time. And grief is preferred over being emotionally locked up, how I've been my whole life. Yes, change is happening.
I'm struggling here, wondering what to write, as I pulled my laptop up 5 minutes ago with a thought to go with......and I doubted myself. I've often put on a mask when here--and I didn't want to do this. I am writing now, checking my truth constantly.
I was in a small group meeting today, only 3 of us, and I was pushing past my comfort levels to share what I was really thinking. I brought up the addiction mentality and my part in it. And I even held up the closing of the meeting. I've never done that. When a guy was about to close us out, I spoke up, for I needed to share more. I shared how I'd been bothered by another guy's aggressive actions, since I'd never done what he'd done, and I admitted I have pushed aside many life opportunities to be "safe". I knew it was safe to share, so I did. I'd "allowed" so many meetings to happen where, out of fear of feeling my own feelings, I kept it inside. I have done that hundreds of times.
When it was over.....I felt safe....relieved....satisfied. I did what I needed to do. I took care of my own emotional needs.
And maybe this is what I needed to do now--I just needed to own it again. I've been home, shoulding on myself a bit, and trying to ignore it. I could "do this, clean this, cook this" ......... I needed to air my laundry. I did it here.
That's all I needed to do tonight.
Ok. I'm entering something new, something I've conveniently and repeatedly denied and excused. I've lied to myself year after year about it.
It's fear and anger I've had towards my mother, mostly from childhood. I'm 46, so I've had a lot of practice denying it.
In a recovery forum I've frequented about 4 years, I shared last night how I'm reacting to imaginations of my angry landlord, a woman. I've been behind on rent, and I gave her a deadline of today, the 31st, since I had a broker payment scheduled. Due to finding out the payment may or may not come on time, I brewed in fear a couple of days.
While sitting in this fear, I recalled growing up with an often-angry mother, blaming us for unknown or created problems constantly. I learned to adapt quickly growing up, but.....I never rested. Mom would always come around, throwing peace out the window. I learned that playing submissive offered better results, as I didn't demand power. But....I never faced my initial anger and distrust of her. I sidelined it completely.
I've swallowed that anger, that opposition in me, a million times. Sitting here, I'm even struggling trying to put it in its place clearly. I feared being angry towards my mom, and I NEVER expressed it. I simply played submissive to her--hoping to manipulate her for my benefit. I thought "if I'm nice to her, she'll be nice to me". It often resulted in less severe punishments than my brothers, and ...... I still use this today. At work, it works almost on a daily basis, as men notice this and often react, changing their messages or approach often to be nice to me. I sense some dishonesty in my actions. I'm only at awareness now.
Back to the mom issue. I think UD is opening me up to a deeper honesty, which is being honest about a me I've always distracted myself from.
And.. I need to add--I hid this from myself and readers here--that I've been facing some resistance running this some nights. I'll be about to jump in bed, and a train of feelings and thoughts accumulate telling me "let's listen to something ELSE". This has been happening at least 2 weeks, me missing 2 out of 7 nights listening.
Considering what I shared today, it's making sense now. I'm in brand new territory now, one which is changing me from the inside.
Question: can I buy and use Anxiety Relief Aid for short spurts while using UD? I'm considering picking it up to find out how much I CAN relax.
I'm just not sure if it'll tamper UD results, since I'll be on UD awhile.