Hi everyone, I have been lurking in the forums for a long while and only decided to make a journal now. I want to help in Shannon's cause by reporting my experiences. I have also benefited so much from reading others' posts so I hope I can give back to the community in some way. Special shoutout to Chaos, Eternity and Duke. And also Illumi and MysticPimp, I really identify with you two.
First a short introduction about me and my sub history. I am a 27 year old Asian from Singapore. INTJ tall slim build. I'm an engineer and I do contemporary dance as a hobby. I didn't have the best childhood, I always had stutters since I was little and I was bullied in school for it. I do have it still, it's better now and I still have anxieties when speaking. As a kid I also had horrible acne, was overweight, had self esteem issues and daddy issues. My results with girls were abysmal in my schooling years. In university I joined dance to expand my comfort zone, became a good dancer but I would get heavy oneitis with every girl I had a crush on. I was also a massive porn addict, I had PIED until I quit porn 3 years ago.
I lost my virginity to a prostitute when I was 23 years old. I had my first kiss with a non-ho girl at 25. Before then, girls to me have always been unattainable, and I was always obsessed with getting girls.
So enter IML subliminals. I discovered it 2 years ago from a pheromone forum. I started playing with pheromones at that time and a member said IML subliminals are the best. At that time I had reservations about using subliminals because I can't know what Shannon puts in the script so essentially I had to give him free access to my brain. But I figured I didn't like myself anyway, I had enough of being myself. Whatever he changes me into, I'll take that. Of course now after reading all the posts in the forums, I am convinced that Shannon only wants the best for us.
I started with LTU3.1, used it for 3 months. It was great. I just remembered that it gave me lots of motivation and focus at work and in life. I also had a more positive outlook in life, like I looked forward to what tomorrow can bring.
I wanted a more thorough transformation, so next I used AM6. I also started keeping journals. Overall it was great. The results speak for themselves. In stage 3 I scored my first sex ever with a non-ho girl while on a work trip. She wasn't that hot but it was a breakthrough. In stage 4 I read 'The 4 Hour Work Week' by Tim Ferris and started my FBA business. I was determined to create the life that I want and achieve financial freedom, geographical freedom and sexual freedom. That means having an online business that doesn't require me to stay at any one place and having non monogamous relationships, Blackdragon Alpha 2.0 style. I also scored one more girl in this run (a virgin) in a work trip.
After AM6 I chose SM3 because I wanted more sexual abundance. Well it really kind of worked. My game was on point. I was very methodical about my lead generation (tinder) and lead conversion (seduction and pheromones). In total I fucked 6 girls in the run. Not a big number but it was big for me. I could have fucked more but I found steady FBs and I just wanted sex, not more notches on my belt. My business kind of took a backseat though. Pussy was all there was in my mind. I met an FB that I am still seeing until today and also got into a relationship with my dance partner from uni in stage 5.
After SM3 I wanted to go back to focusing on my business. It was getting slow and I wanted it to succeed enough so that I can quit my job. I was also happy with the girl I was dating and my FB, so I decided to put acquisition of new women aside and run AM6 again. Well yes my business made a lot of progress. I picked a winning product and worked on it the whole run. It was only until the end of the run I got to launch it and it did better than my wildest dreams. However my relationship suffered. It was my first serious relationship. I was very determined to make a relationship in the BD Alpha 2.0 style and I didn't do it well in retrospect. I never did anything with her other than eating and sex, I didn't let her know my most private thoughts and I never properly asked her to be my girlfriend, because I thought she had to ask me first. I was always talking about my business with her. On hindsight I was really needy and controlling. It didn't help that she's extremely busy and almost had no time for me or herself. The relationship was rocky since the start of this run and she ended things in stage 4. I was really gutted. I wanted to switch to E2 right away but I didn't want to end the run prematurely and ended becoming imbalanced, so I toughed it out. At that point I also purchased all the subliminals I have ever used. Yes I admit I had been pirating them. It really hurt in the remainder of the run. She helped me design my product a little but left me before it launched. When it launched and did so well, it felt bittersweet because I couldn't share it with her.
(In AM6 run 2 I only laid one new girl, a really hot trans. It was an exciting night.)
So to ease the pain, I did E2 after AM6 run 2. It wasn't what I expected. I didn't get the tears and breakdowns I was expecting. Yes there were moments of grieving but they were subtle. More than anything, it restored my motivation in life and business. I wanted to find myself again after the breakup so I read tons and listened to lots of podcasts. E2 helped with that. I started meditation, made morning and night routines, started the Wim Hof method, the works. I was determined to increase my self awareness and find my life purpose. The pain decreased a lot. By the first month I just felt melancholy when I thought of her, by the second month the emotions have largely subsided. I was able to keep myself from contacting her in the whole run. I was just focusing on building my self and my future. In this run I hit a significant milestone. My business was earning me a few times my salary, so I quit my job. That was a little more than a month ago, I am now serving my 2-month notice period.
After 2.5 months of E2 I felt that I was healed enough from the breakup and I wanted to give my life a nitro boost. So with freedom in sight I decided to switch to DMSI 3.1A 2 weeks ago. Results have been more subtle than the best executors out there but I have seen them. I'll post about them soon in this journal.
I just want to thank Shannon for his work and dedication. When I compare the me today and the me 2 years ago, getting HIV PEP cos I was stupid enough to fuck a ho without condom, there's just no comparison. I feel truly lucky to have stumbled upon your subliminal and your community 2 years ago. It truly changed my life. I may not be able to post as regularly as I like, because running and growing a business while having a day job can get exhausting, but I'll try my best!
Thanks for doing the right thing and buying what you were using. It makes a lot more difference than most people realize.
Oh my, someone mentioned me in their journal! I'm very glad my journal helped someone, that's why I keep it public. All the best luck for you and take care
Ok so I am now on day 17 of DMSI 3.1A. I took 5 days of break from E2 prior to switching. Mostly 2 loops of Hybrid trickling stream in the day. 2 loops of US for 2 of the days in the night because no time to run it in the day. Recap of first 16 days:
Day 1:
The previous night I intentionally trashed talk a girl on tinder just for kicks. In the morning I saw she replied, and it surely was no good. In the past I would have checked it straight away, but today I felt meh why do I have to see it.
Met my FB. I was a little more free flowing being myself and talking about my ideas. There was no sexual tension before sex. When it's time for sex I quickly lost excitement after clothes were off. Almost didn't get an erection. I wasn't bothered though, just took my time, eventually did it but lasted very short. She acted more girly and submissive, putting her head on my shoulder and chest a few times. I noticed I was uncomfortable with silences, if there was silence I would try to fill it. I still wore pheromones (M3X). It was day 1 so I didn't think the pheromone module would kick in yet.
Went for dance class. The class was too easy and I was bored out of my mind. Had a few reactions, one middle aged lady practically put her crotch like 2 feet away from my face while bending over and stretching. In class they were giggling a bit about me jumping so far, but IDGAF, I was just in the zone.
On the way home a hot tinder girl messaged me first. I immediately asked her out. Her interest died down instantly. I was trying to find a way to get her enthusiasm up and not appearing needy at the same time. Didn't manage that. I noticed that I might be doing that because deep down I don't believe that she would want to go out so I sought to prove it right.
Felt more hungry.
Day 2:
Could have imagined it but my shit really smelled bad. Like, super bad. Felt very sleepy after the loops. Felt more awake once I drank some coffee in the afternoon. Felt very unmotivated to do any chores in my business. I viewed them as chores. I just spent the day watching self help videos. One thing Mathew Hussey said really struck me. His ex said he's boring because all he was was ambitious. There's nothing else. It was the exact same scenario with my ex. I want to discover other things within me that I enjoy as well other than my business.
Day 3:
Shit still smelled crazy bad. Still tired. Watched Lewis Howes's interview with Sara Blakely. Was very inspired. I felt very moved when Lewis asked her what's her definition of greatness. As I thought about my own definition of greatness, I felt tears well up in my eyes.
Day 4:
Still a little tired after doing the loops but less so. I notice people not being into self development. People want to stay the same. Last time I used to feel lonely because nobody else is on this path with me, but now I don't. Felt quite honed in on biz and self dev work. I increasingly take self dev videos as my entertainment now.
I increasingly realized the dynamics between my father and I. He was always trying to impose his way of living onto me and his family. Now that I don't follow him anymore, it feels to me like he feels he has no value anymore. I realize I might be the same way. I have an inclination to control and impose my way of thinking/living on those I care about. That's exactly what happened with the ex. Maybe I got it from him. And maybe I also impose that on myself. I want to stop that, and instead listen to what people really want to say and let them do what they really want to do, including myself.
Day 5:
Tiredness stopped. Felt miserable at work. I don't find my work challenging anymore. I was not engaged at all and it felt like such a huge waste of time. I realized the time when I was the happiest was when I worked on difficult challenges and had to come up with unique solutions using both my left and right brains. I also noticed that I perform much better with clear goals. The goals have to feel out of reach and a little insane, otherwise I wouldn't be inspired. I want to set clear health, business and relationship goals.
Day 6-7:
Started rehearsal for a performance in August. Happy to be dancing again. I was just radiating happiness. I felt attracted to a girl I used to find annoying. Found myself looking at her lips a lot. She was more friendly to me too. At night I fantasized about her.
(Getting long so TBC)
(recap cont'd)
Day 9
Quite tired after the loops. Fell asleep. Went for dance class. I felt a little in my head and self conscious. One pretty girl was there. I talked to her a few weeks ago. I didn't acknowledge her, just made eye contact in class. At the end of the class I talked to another pretty girl. Asked her name. She's pretty but I'm not sexually attracted to her. I was not nervous and talked to her very naturally. In the past I would have been at least awkward.
Was on tinder and OKC the whole day. Cannot bring myself to do work today. I asked a few girls out. Feel quite needy when the girls didn't want to come. I didn't like it that I was spending so much attention on online game.
Day 10
Was quite irritated with my manager at work for making me do work that I find uninspiring. I missed my ex badly. It felt very raw. I haven't missed her in a while. But the missing was different, it felt more like mourning. I had a strong urge to check her out on FB and had a feeling that I'd find her happy with another guy. I knew that it would crush me. I resolved not to hurt myself and not do it. I thought about the times I was able to share my ideas and she would understand and support me. But I reminded myself that that was only the image I was projecting on her. She was never so enthusiastic about me. She's not who I wanted her to be. So there's no point to go back to her. I let myself feel the emotion. I felt like I was crying on the inside.
Met a 25 year old tinder girl at night. Getting her to come was difficult. She wasn't so enthusiastic about meeting. I texted her and she replied very slowly. I got a little upset. I tried to flip the script and get her to view me as scarce by telling her "when you're old you're gonna miss all the good chances you didn't take". Felt quite needy. In the end she gave me her number. Turned out it's not that she was unenthusiastic, she just overslept so she couldn't reply. Really shouldn't overthink next time. I was in the middle of feeling sad about my ex when setting up the meet but somehow I knew that when I meet her I'd be able to execute. I had an indescribable certainty that I'd be able to seal the deal if I meet her. I fantasized me and her f*cking on the stairs on top of a mall, even saw the position of my bag on the floor and when I reach for the condom.
Met her. She wasn't as pretty as her pictures but I was attracted to her G cup boobs. And she wasn't fat too. Just amazing. She's quite a flat person in her expressions so I matched it. The dinner table we sat at wasn't very private, I couldn't talk of more interesting topics like tinder stories. So I just talked about work. I caught myself a few times feeling like I have to entertain her. So I just focused on enjoying the conversation. After dinner I suggested to go to a bar. We had to walk through a dark place to go there and she would have no time to meet her friend afterward, but she went anyway. Along the way she didn't mind when we bumped arms. Got her to tell me about her previous relationships. She was cheated on before and the guy she's seeing now only wants her for sex. Reached the bar. She was sitting quite close. By this time she was very comfortable talking about sex. I opened up about my own problems like my PIED last time. She told me she wants an FWB now. I didn't jump on it, just asked her more questions. The whole time I knew that she's prime for physical escalation, but I wasn't in a hurry, just wanted to talk about sex more. Before we left I told her to finish my drink. She did and I kissed her for it. Made out a bit.
Sat down at a dark bus stop outside bar and made out some more. Went to second base, no resistance whatsoever. Goddamn those melons are huge. Pulled her to a secluded place.
"Why initially when we met you said you're not into casual sex?"
"We girls cannot f*ck every guy!"
"So why I can?"
"I dunno (giggle)"
Made it all the way to third base. She was begging for it. Deja vu moment: we were on a staircase and the way my bag was positioned was exactly how I visualized it in the day. However, I wanted to pee! Plus the alcohol in my bloodstream means I didn't have an erection. I didn't pull out my dick to save face and just stopped there. Told her "that's all you're getting today."
On the way back I talked to her about sexual openness again. I felt that she wasn't fully bought in. Didn't really know how to spike the mood up again. I felt that I should stop talking about sex so I switched topics. Gave her a kiss before parting. After the heavy makeout I went into a thought pattern of the girl having buyer's remorse and trying to prevent it. I didn't catch myself. I should stop preventing ASD or buyer's remorse etc. When I try hard to prevent those problems, they become self fulfilling prophecies. I got the feeling that the seduction of this girl is not over yet.
In the date I asked her the question of whether she just used sex as a way to get guys and whether she ever had sex for the enjoyment of it, but maybe I should also ask that to myself. Have I truly enjoyed the act of sex or has it been only for the sake of validation? If I'm being honest to myself, the answer is no.
Day 11
Very quite tired after the loops in the morning. No motivation whatsoever at work. One girl in OKC was offended by a small thing I said, I was really not bothered, I told her yeah we're not gonna get along if you're so easily offended.
Had an argument with my father about him learning English. I was frustrated with his unwillingness to learn English. I felt bad when he told me about his declining mental capacities. I helped him search for the information he wanted. Connected quite well with him.
More girls hitting me up on dating apps. Low quality ones but it's something.
Day 12
Quite smooth talking to girls online. One girl practically hinted me to ask her out. Number closed her easily.
Day 13
Felt terrible at work. Felt that I really shouldn't be there. Almost texted my boss to let me go early. Complained to my manager that I had no motivation. Felt a lot better after complaining. Went to site, felt quite useful.
(TBC)
(Caught up)
Day 15:
Lots of things going on that day. Had dance rehearsal in the morning. Wasn't self conscious or needy at all, had fun. I don't usually get along with my current partner (she's a les) but that day she asked me to play board games. Usually in these situations I would be too self conscious to really enjoy the game, but this time I was fully absorbed, even beat her. I still felt attracted to that girl I used to not like (tyrant type). I had more attention from basically everyone.
After the rehearsal I went to the table my ex and I used to use as a prop to dance with. I had no feeling whatsoever. That made me feel good because I was going to a see a dance show later at night and I had a strong feeling I'd bump into her.
Met my FWB in the afternoon. Conversation was very chill. I talked to her without fear, just said whatever I had in mind. I was okay with annoying her. She was very attracted. There was a very nice vibe where were were friendly and bantering but she was sexually attracted too. In the hotel things got hot real fast. The previous week I was wondering whether I ever fully enjoyed the act of sex. With that in mind I was on autopilot, just let my instincts guide me. Let's just say things were so much more spontaneous and hot. F*cked her long and hard. I lasted forever. Easily the best sex we've had. She let me shoot it on her face for the first time. She was ok with it afterward, no mention of it. Instead she was very lovey dovey. Kissed me a lot. I felt that she was starting to catch strong feelings for me. On the way back I talked to her about the law of attraction.
Met a 32-year old from a dating app. Turned out she was super fat. I just tried to enjoy the conversation to be polite but left early. She's actually a very cool person, I enjoyed the conversation.
Went to watch a dance show with my friend. She was late but IDGAF. We didn't always get along but we got along a little better this time. Just as I thought, I saw my ex for the first time in almost 6 months. What I didn't foresee was, I had a strong surge of negative emotions upon seeing her. She looked so happy and radiant now. Just remembered all those times it went bad between us and how she left me behind. During the show I was totally in my head. After the show I hung around the exit for a while talking to a few friends. I didn't acknowledge her and she passed me by to go to the restroom without acknowledging me. That made me sad and I left before I had to face her.
Day 16:
Did nothing the whole day but watch self help videos. I started getting the idea that I would text my ex to catch up one day and talk about london. I am going to London next month, she went there before and I thought it's a good excuse to catch up. I felt it's a pity for us to never talk to each other again. Just felt very confused whether it's a good idea or not. Felt moody the whole day.
Day 17:
The start of my last 3 weeks at work. I was determined to complete it without incidents. I was zoned in and time flew by. I felt great while in the zone but felt empty afterward. I was like a robot that day, felt emotionally numb. I have been visualizing how it would go down when I meet my ex, visualized the conversation to make her my FWB. However I realized she wants nothing to do with me. I felt quite sad. My head was reflexively telling me counter points like I need more self love, when I love myself enough I will not be needing her anymore etc, but it just made me a little more sad. But I noticed that I was resolute that if I feel meeting her would be hurting me, then I will not meet her. I will not hurt myself.
Then I realized that in everything worthwhile that I do, there will be struggle. When I learned dance there was plenty of struggle. In business and in pickup as well. But throughout it all, I was able to stick through it and actually enjoyed the struggle sometimes. I just have to try more things and be aware of what kind of struggles I enjoy and find fulfilling. When I thought of that, somehow my sadness lifted a little and I felt hope. It captured my attention and wonder and I stopped feeling needy. When I thought that she has found struggles that she enjoys immensely, the sadness came back a little, but I quickly re-engaged with that wonderment of my kind of struggle. I also realize that I was addicted with the struggle of making her fall for me. I knew it was an uphill battle, but I subconsciously enjoyed the struggle. Maybe in many areas of my life I'm not happy in, I'm secretly enjoying the struggle. I want to be more aware of these.
FWB texted me lovey dovey texts. I took care to send back short replies. Don't want her feelings to grow any stronger.
Changed to 3 loops US at night from that day on.
Day 18:
Still emotionally robotic at work. Had the thought that if my ex is not interested in f*cking, then I have no need for her.
Dance rehearsal. Felt happy dancing. My les dance partner praised me so much in front of others (you're very cool/important/strong etc). Tyrant girl looked self conscious when near me, she fixed her face a lot.
Day 19:
Still thinking about the ex. I realized that if I see her again it will be with super positivity and super openness. Also flirtatious. I cannot show any signs that I am still affected in any way.
Day 20:
Had profound realizations about myself. I realized the single biggest motivation behind everything I do so far. I choose a different motivation from now. I am much clearer on what my lifelong mission will be.
Day 22 (today):
Went for a dance class. 2 girls I was attracted to talked to me in class. I never talked to anyone in this class before this. I talked to one of them longer. She was leaning forward when talking to me with her entire body facing me. We were sitting down and I touched her leg casually during conversation, it felt so natural. I wanted to go for an instadate after class but didn't find a natural transition. Just left.
Bought snake plant for my room and an eye cream. Been wanting to try eye cream to slow down ageing.
I remembered about the love letter I wrote to my ex 2 weeks after we broke up. It sickened me. Good god what was I thinking? Probably still not thinking right even now. It made me not want to see her again. Damn that was so embarrassing.
So far external results from DMSI have been minimal. I have felt more internal results. The external results have come when I interact with the females, which is because of the internal results instead of some aura. I feel myself becoming a more self sufficient person. I used to feel lonely and I yearned for someone to share my thoughts with, but now I don't feel the need anymore. As long as I understand myself, I'm fine. I read Woujo's articles on transcendence and I really like them. However that left me wondering, what does a truly transcendent man need a woman for, other than sex? Actually that's how I feel now. Talking to a woman and feeling her feminine energy feels good, and so is sex, but other than for those I don't feel much motivation to spend time with a woman.
Would love to hear people's thoughts on that!
Day 24
3 loops Hybrid
Stayed at home to work on my next product. I have been dragging my feet over this for ages! Once I got started though it got my imagination going. Got some good ideas for it. Now I just need to keep up the momentum.
I was rereading the Hajime no Ippo manga and I cried at Miyata's story. He took up boxing because he idolized his father's boxing style and he wants to prove to the world that he can reach the top with that style. Damn that really touched me somehow. I have been a rebel all my life but I think I have been emulating my father subconsciously in many ways. I always secretly admired his ability to take on the burdens himself without complaining and only let his family know about the good news and not the bad news. That was my model of manhood. But now I acknowledge that his ways have their limits. And I want more. I will improve upon his ways with my own flair and achieve more, as a way of honoring him.
Girl from day 10 with the G cup boobs (let's call her G from now on) cancelled on me last minute. She was looking forward to meeting me tomorrow and even said she would bring me ice cream she made, but at the last minute she had to go to Malaysia for an uncle's death. Damn....... I had a good plan for this. She would come for a swim in my condo's pool, and then we would go up to my house and eat her stuff and then fuck. And this week is my last chance to use the house because my parents are coming this Friday. Damn it!!
Regarding what I want from girls, I think maybe what I want is a relationship where I can create things with the girl, where my masculine energy and her feminine energy can work together to create something worthwhile. That sounds a lot like baby making, but I'm talking about everyday stuff like cooking/handicraft. With G I can see me and her making food. I have been wanting to learn cooking and she's a pastry chef. I also want a girl who is good at design and enjoys helping me with my products.
Unrelated: It was amazing to watch Nadal claim La Decima at Roland Garros!!!
Day 25:
3 loops ultrasonic
G came over at night. I felt tired because I had dance in the evening but told her to come over. Long story short I couldn't use my house because my sister was in. I tried to find some secluded places around my condo but she wasn't comfortable enough to have sex. Just got a BJ. The whole time I was very non needy and amused. She kept saying sorry because she couldn't have outdoors sex but I told her you should say sorry to yourself because you didn't get the full thing. I'm not very interested anymore now. The boobs got old real fast, my sweet spot is definitely C to D. And she's also a little too bulky for my taste once her clothes are off. I'll meet her just to close the deal if she calls me up but I won't heavily pursue this one.
Day 26-27
3 loops ultrasonic
Just quite absorbed at inventory planning in my business. I felt quite peaceful. Like a resigned calm.
Day 28
4 loops ultrasonic
Increased the loops because I felt the healing was stagnating.
I started talking to new girls again on Tinder. I actually enjoyed it. Previously talking to girls on Tinder have always been like manipulation to me. I would put them through a standard series of questions to qualify them and then asked them out. It was a sequence I developed during my SM3 run and I never bothered to make changes since. I always felt needy when they stop responding. This time I enjoyed it. Responses were good.
I had a feeling that something was starting under the hood. There was a deep sadness that is barely perceptible, I won't notice it unless I pay attention. It's not about my ex, I'm not even thinking much about her these days.
Day 29
4 loops ultrasonic
I felt very annoyed at my work. Just can't wait for it to end!
I added new things to my Tinder question series and it worked quite well. Asked out two girls for a spontaneous meetup, one was down, the other gave me her number to reschedule. Sweet. Met her at a bar. She's quite cute. And she's also an entrepreneur, so we had lots to talk about. But long story short, she's the conservative type. I made it clear that I want an intimate relationship, and she can't do that. Well ok, next! She continued to text me at night and the day after, but I just gave her one word replies. She learned a lot from my stories but I didn't learn much because she's much less successful. I feel she wants to keep me as a friend. No thanks!
Day 30 (today)
4 loops ultrasonic
Dance rehearsal in the morning. I felt quite happy dancing. I felt like people were looking at me when I danced. Tyrant girl said I smelled like her Chinese teacher. I was wearing Millesime Imperial. Dance partner complimented my dancing.
Met FWB. I was very very sleepy. Didn't talk much with her. Just felt like I had nothing to talk about. I wasn't looking forward to the sex at all. My mood was very flat. Just kept talking about the same things. In the hotel, things were not exciting. I was kind of lazy and let her do everything. F*cked her long but I felt like I didn't know why I was doing it and what's the meaning behind it. Just slept after that. I felt like it was a waste of time to spend time with her like that.
Ballet after that. I didn't feel good dancing. I felt like I was sad. There was something I am missing and it's not girls. The pretty girl talked to me a bit but I didn't feel like talking to her. I felt my attraction to her, but I had no motivation to go after it.
It was time to go for my weekly Tinder Boost but I didn't feel like it. Just felt apathetic to girls right now. I feel like I'm in the clearing phase now. My eyes are still drawn towards various girls' body parts but I just felt like what's the point. I also feel a little sick. I have sore throat and no voice today. Hope I can get out of this funk with more enthusiasm!
I have been playing 4 loops of A at night. This week was quite an emotionally tiring week.
Firstly it was my last week at work. I have been looking forward to it so much. Everyday at work was just counting the hours. On Friday when it was my last day I felt such a euphoria. My future is uncertain but that's what I do best; introspecting the shit out of life and charting my own path outside the box.
Still I noticed patterns of thoughts where I would be insecure because I reminded myself that my ex is very happy with her life and work right now. Ever since that breakup I have subconsciously always compared myself to her.
On the women front, still no obvious IOIs from strangers. Things were progressing better on tinder. I number closed a bunch of girls and met up with two this week, 19 and 28 years old.
Both times the conversation was flowing well but no sexual chemistry. I was thinking of a way to escalate and introduce sexuality to the conversation. I ended up not finding it both times. With the 19 year old I managed to find a good place, a planetarium-like cosy space in the museum. The vibe was nice so I escalated smoothly. Made out a lot, she was aroused, but there were many kids around. I had dance after that so couldn't move her to hotel.
With the 28 year old though there was no such a place. Just continued along the same sterile and platonic vein until we were talking about meaning of life and such. Goodness that's not what I want from a date! I realised it was also because I was not really attracted to her. I wasn't even excited with the prospect of escalating on her, I just felt it was something I had to do. All this while I was still operating on the scarcity mentality where I thought of every date as scarce and I had to make something happen with every single one. Last night just the process of trying to think of a natural way to escalate left me feeling bad, like I was selling myself short. I resolve not to go after girls I'm not genuinely attracted to anymore. I need to have better filtering processes in online game.
What's more, the 28 year old's energy was so clean. She has such an abundance mentality and loving her life right now. She's a yoga teacher living day to day. When I asked her about relationships, she totally has no need for guys now. I just found it very uninspiring because I didn't see what my escalation could add to her life. People say such girls with abundant mentality are better choices, but I notice I gravitate more to girls with clear emotional needs because it's easy to see where I can add value.
I have also been very unsure of what need I have for girls. What place does girls have in my life right now? Why do I need sex? What's the point of it? Sometimes in situations when I know logically I should escalate, I wonder what's the point. Is it worth it to spend so much time to get a temporary good feeling? I don't know.
Just a very confused time right now. I am going to do 5 loops starting from tonight, for one more week, and then I might switch to B.
Holy shit. 5 loops of A is pretty rough right now. Just felt very low, unmotivated in life, needy around girls. Lots of feelings of low self worth. I'm not loving myself right now. Hating my freedom. Just feels like aimlessness now. The grass seems greener everywhere else but here.
(Pheromone related)
Today was the first time in some time I wore pheromones. I wore Voodoo by LAL. It has the effect of magnifying feelings for me and others. It was in a masochistic self-hurting way that I decided to wear it. I wanted to expose myself to the healing faster. Goddamn I got what I wanted. My perception just saw the worst in everything. People stuck in the rush hour commute? At least they have a job, not like me I'm so aimless. A girl in dance walking with a boy? Must be her bf. God I thought she likes me, she's been so touchy feely these few days. Guess nobody really wants to be with me. Guess my ex is also with somebody now (and on and on).
Even my business is not doing as well as it used to and I have no idea why. And I'm supposed to be working on new products but I just can't find the motivation to do it.
Just a really shitty time. I'm not sure how to maximise this time of healing. The issues are not really about women, but about me.
So after 42 days of side A, I switched to B today.
For the past few days the clearing has stabilised. I felt much turbulence on Wednesday but the next day I was fine. Mood has been stable the last few days. I was very busy with dance because I had a performance with my group on Friday. I was quite bored actually because the dance wasn't challenging or interesting to me but the place of performance was very high class. Throughout, I just had a light sense of sorrow, because I just don't feel that this type of art really resonates with me and I don't really belong to this people. Not much in the way of attraction from dance mates, just seemed very comfortable physically with me.
It has been an interesting sub so far! Effects on others have been quite subtle, but the internal changes have been great. In terms of results with women the difference between this and E2 is unmistakable. It was so hard to land a date with a new girl on E2. So far after 6 weeks of 3.1A I've had dates with six new girls, got physical with two (though haven't had sex). None of them above 7 but it's a good start I'd say. By efficiency alone, DMSI beat SM3. And I didn't think of sex all the time like I was when doing SM3 and my business didn't suffer. Far from it, what's on my mind most of the time is how I will live for the rest of my life and what to pursue.
At the end of 3.1A I managed to secure a bunch of upcoming dates. Tomorrow (Sunday) I have an afternoon date with the girl I got physical with last weekend. At night with a new girl from Bumble. Monday I'm meeting G, and Tuesday I'm meeting my FWB. I might get laid 3 days in a row.
So as planned, today (Saturday) I switched to B. 2 loops ultrasonic when sleeping. So far so good. My mind feels a little quieter. It will be interesting tomorrow when the dating frenzy begins. What's more, I am flying to London for a 13-day trip next Wednesday. It will be a self exploration solo trip for me, plus a tennis pilgrimage to Wimbledon. Hope side B will point me to things I am really interested in. I won't say no if it pulls in a few cute English ladies too
Quick update: f*cked my date today, the 19 year old Indian girl. Just very smooth, totally submissive and let me take charge, no ASD or resistance whatsoever. None. Though I came very fast and couldn't recover fast enough for a second round. We'll see if sexual performance becomes a problem like in Ben's case.
Let's pause for a moment and remember that the last time I laid a new girl was last July when I was running SM3. Holy shit, it's been almost a year.
The night date turned out quite ok too. 21 year old, studied in San Fran before moving to Singapore. I connected quite well with her. Enjoyed hearing her talk about her job. She had to leave after an hour because she has a 4.30am start tomorrow. But I wasn't butthurt, instead I was seeing the bright side of it, I could shop for clothes for my London trip. And I did.
One down, two to go! G just confirmed the date tomorrow. I have some devilish thing planned. Go DMSI 3.1B!!!
The cumming quick and taking longer to recover has been the main issue, mainly on B. I'm hoping back on A it will improve again as it seemed to when I went back to A last time.