I've figured out why I run DMSI: to "make-up" for all of my sexual failures. Years and years of missed opportunities that were thrown into my lap. Finally, in my mid-twenties, I told myself that I was going to take the opportunities given to me. I also began creating opportunities...too little too late. I met my wife at age 28, and have been monogamous ever since. Unfortunately, some deep-seated part of my mind wants a time machine to fix every missed opportunity. But I can't - and so I
need that part of me healed.
I can't tell you how fucking terrible I feel sitting her reminiscing over these failures. With every one I think about, a new one pops into my head that I had forgotten about. DMSI can work. When I think about it, every time I've had sex or had the opportunity for sex - it was the woman who chose me
first!
Here's my timeline (this is long, and really written for my benefit, so if you don't have time for a book, skip it - seriously, it's so long I don't even want to edit it properly):
Age 3-6: Had multiple female friends I played doctor with. I took off their shirts, panties, let them play with my thang, and did whatever I wanted. I was a little pimp, lol.
Age 6-10: Got glasses. Thus began the years of being socially categorized into "nerd." I was smart, got good grades, wore glasses, and sucked at sports. Done deal, no girlfriends.
Age 11-13: Added braces and my hair got thick. My mom wanted me to comb it backward. Thus added "fro," sweatpants and sweatshirts, as well as chunky to increase my nerd-stock. Got my first girlfriend at a group I went to weekly away from school. It was my alter-ego, a place where they didn't know what a geek I was. I'd stash my glasses, comb my hair differently, act differently. This girl was someone I had zero interest in, but said "yes" just to have one. We just talked on the phone, until I stopped answering her calls.
Age 14: Went to an all-male prep school to get away from the people who terrorized me for years and start fresh.
First job at the grocery store: This girl kept buying me greeting cards and giving them to me with hand-written notes. Wrote her off for whatever reason. Another girl was the cousin of my best friend (Stacy, I even remember her name!) - I had a huge crush on her. She'd come up to the grocery store just to see me. I never did anything about it.
Hottie from middle school worked there, apologized to me for mistreating me "when we were young" ha, and gave me rides home from work since we lived in the same neighborhood. She was STILL dating one of the jocks I hated, and I think she even went on to marry the guy!
Age 15-17: Got contacts, lost weight, started dressing better, got a job at a movie theater. Had 2 different girlfriends, both hot, and blew both opportunities out of fear. I regret not having sex with both of them to this day. My first girlfriend talked about having sex with me when we talked on the phone at night, and I couldn't even kiss her when we were alone. The other girls had her friend tell me she wanted me to take her shirt of and do whatever I wanted with her. The first girl broke up with me for not being the guy she thought I was (an alpha with balls, rather than a big pussy), and the second girl I broke up with because she wasn't "intelligent" enough for me and she was "annoying to talk to." I should have at least got some first, but fear and "morality" ruled me.
Also during high school:
1st movie theater job: Red head hottie asked for my number - I laughed instead. Blown immediately. Another girl had her friend tell me she wanted to have sex with me. I ignored it, never followed up on it.
2nd movie theater job: Petite blonde, hot as hell, had a crush on me. Blew her off because she had a lazy eye. Hot brunette, great personality/great ass, blew her off because she had dark hair on her arms. It wasn't even thick or anything. A girl from middle school approached my station at the box office. She figured out who I was and said, "Wow, you're so hot now!" right to my face and I didn't do anything about it.
Had a crush on my best friend's step-sister, who I rarely saw. She wasn't interested in me at all. That made me want her more. Didn't have the balls to make a move.
Went to an all-day rock concert with friends. One friend had his long-term girlfriend, another friend brought a new girl. By the end of the day, the new girl friendzoned my friend and spewed her undying love for me - she had "never met someone like me." It threw me for a loop, I felt bad for my friend, and then she locked us in a bedroom and took her top off, and I did nothing but laugh nervously and try to escape. I did the right thing, but this kind of thing still happened to me.
Before college, had a summer job at a telemarketer: Smoking hot blonde made friends with me, and I had dreams about her I wanted her so bad. No balls to make a move. One day we were sitting next to each other, and she had her legs up so I could see down her shorts. NO underwear. What a chump I was.
First year of college, age 18:
Sat on my ass, skipped class constantly, played Quake 2 non-stop. Got fat drinking, eating pizza, and chowing down double cheeseburgers & fries for lunch every day. Experienced complete ghosting/disinterest in all women. This was part 1 of 2 concerning my obsession with losing weight/lifting weights. Part 2 happened when I lost weight again and started getting non-stop attention from women. I've now gained and lost 50 lbs. + over 10 times, easy.
Dropped out of school after my first year due to immaturity and disillusionment, got my security guard job. Got my first gf since high school (age 19/20). She had a kid. She popped my "physical-touch" cherry. I refused to have sex (had to stay a virgin til marriage, thanks mom & dad for fucking me over with that nonsense!). I found out that I was a natural muff-diver. Got my first blow job. Dumped her after 3 weeks for being "annoying." Pawned her off on a friend who later married her, lol.
A girl I met through a friend, pretty with huge jugs, always came over to my apartment. Everyone would leave, and she'd stay so it was just us. I was too polite to tell her to go, and didn't want to touch her because she belched a lot, and it was a turn-off. In hindsight, I should have just fucked the girl.
Another girl I met through work I had a personality-attraction to. She constantly told me about how much she masturbated. I ignored it, not cute enough.
Age 20: A girl down-the-hall from my apartment called out to me from her balcony one day. We hung out a lot after that. She was with me the first (and only) time I did Ecstasy, and she started licking my ear. I just lay there like an idiot, because I had a crush on her roommate - who was unavailable.
Age 21/22: I moved in with my best friend after that, and he had two good looking female friends that came over all the time. They knew I was a virgin, so they plotted to take my virginity in a threesome one night. Thank GOD they got me drunk enough to go to the bedroom. Too bad I drank so much I had whiskey dick, so I couldn't do a whole lot. I still had fun, though.
Gorgeous black girl at work, Kat, asked me out to a movie. I was surprised, but said yes. We didn't touch the whole movie. Afterward, we went back to her apartment where her roommate bade us goodnight. Then she turned on porn and told me she used to work in an adult bookstore, while we laid on her bed. I chickened out and went home! WTF was WRONG with me!? Work was so awkward after that...
Met a high school girl when I was 20 or 21 (again, at work) I clicked with so much I would have married her. She was the perfect kind of flirt, and gave me the attention I craved. She used her employee discount to get a room at the local Marriott for her friend because it was Homecoming. She asked to get it under my name, because I was 21. I went with her to check-in to the room and get the room key for her friend. When we got the key, she asked if I wanted to go check out the room. I said, "Yes!" We get there, she looks at me after the door shuts and says, "RTB, look, there's a bed! We could have sex...!" Instead of sitting on the bed and taking off my shoes, I laughed it off as a joke (caught off-guard, fear washed over me), and we left. Fuck me, what a dumb shit.
Another black girl at work, this one way too young (only 15), point blank said to me, "I need some white dick." I said, "Excuse me?" And she asked if I'd ever been with a black girl before. I still remember her name, "Angel." Obviously, I passed.
A redhead at work, with double-G breasts, was so infatuated with me she offered me sex every time I saw her. We actually became pretty good friends, but she'd leave love notes on my car. She even offered to come clean my apartment topless, no strings, and I said, "NO!" Argh!
Meanwhile, a 28-year-old (5 years older than me at the time) who had a nice body but "wasn't all there" upstairs started giving me gifts and asking me to hang out. She was really nice, but I just wasn't interested and didn't have the balls to flat-out tell her that. She eventually lost her job, and that's when I didn't "have" to see her anymore. I eventually changed my phone number and didn't bother ever calling her, lol.
Went back to college (age 23), while still working my security job, this time at a local commuter school.
A beautiful, beautiful smart & sexy girl at work, Clarissa, was married and had a kid and was going to med school. She wasn't happy with her marriage for whatever reason. I could tell she had a crush on me, but I wasn't going there. One day she came over to my apartment with her daughter, so I could meet her. I don't know what I said, but she looked at me endearingly and said, "You really are a really, really nice guy - aren't you?" Anyway, she started going out to the bars with me and my friends every weekend. She dressed waaaaay sexier than at work, and I harbored a secret desire to be with her, but it went against my beliefs. She ended up sleeping with my friend, who didn't have any moral issues with it. I resented that a lot (him for doing what I couldn't do, and my own beliefs because they kept me from it). Eventually she confessed her transgression to her husband, stopped going out with us, and my buddy was looking over his shoulder for a long time afterward. I lost my friendship with Clarissa because of that situation, as well. I've looked for her on Facebook, but haven't found her. I regret, and don't regret, that situation all at the same time. What a weird feeling.
The 1st girl with the same name as my wife went to my university, but we met at work (still age 23). She had a gorgeous body, and pretty face. She was smart, and thought I was funny. By this time, I hadn't kissed or done anything sexual with a girl since the drunken threesome. My self-confidence, sexually, was at an all-time low. Any time we were alone, I had near panic-attacks (what if I...forgot how to kiss!?!? And, I've never had sex sober! What if I suck!?). She made it clear that she wanted to have sex, her friends made it clear, and I even slept over at her apartment. I made no moves. We didn't even make out. She eventually got fed up, and literally went psycho on me. I dropped her like a hot potato, and she got me removed from my post at work because I wouldn't talk to her. She told human resources I threatened to blow up her car. Fucking nut job. Luckily, this helped me let go of the job I loved (I needed to let go of it to complete my college classes, I simply couldn't attend class times and keep the job). I haven't had a social-outlet that has compared to it since. It felt like a real loss. I still have security guard dreams where I go back to work, and everyone welcomes me back. Those dreams are actually scary, lol.
College algebra study partner, the 2nd of the women with my wife's name, asked me to come over to her place where she basically sexually-attacked me. When I made no moves, she did. We made out, but when she invited me to stay over, I said I should "go" (you know, to "be a gentleman.") Blown opportunity - thanks again faulty beliefs and fear!
Sexy work friend I kept in touch with after losing the job (if you've been reading my journal, she's the one who went on to become a psycho-female-rapper in the youtube video I posted), put her leg over mine at the bar. At the time, that "hint" didn't click. One night, drunk at my place, she was sitting on my lap and just started making out with me (in front of 3 friends I had over). We didn't have sex that night b/c she ended up vomiting,
. The next weekend, we were at her house (where she lived with her mom, sister, and son - from a previous boyfriend). Her mom passed out on the couch, and we started messing around. She wanted me to fuck her with her mom right there, which I declined. We had sex twice before she moved on to another person, because I wasn't as experienced as she assumed I was. That stung when she just suddenly stopped reacting to me, sexually rebuffed me, and started bringing another guy around. Then her younger sister, Kayla, (only 17 at the time, a high school cheerleader, and maybe one of the hottest chicks I've known personally) told me not to be upset with her sister b/c that's "what she does to guys." So then Kayla's friend asks me how many girls I'd slept with. At the time I said, "3." So then she says, "Well, Kayla wants to be your 4th!" Unfortunately, right as she said that (literally), Kayla's mom came home. We weren't supposed to be there. I was so embarrassed that I never went back. I also didn't have her number, so right as something I had dreamed about happening became an opportunity, it just as quickly disappeared.
Another beautiful girl from work - who'd been burned badly in a car accident had a crush on me, and made it known (a few years before I'd been "removed"). I wasn't interested because I let the superficiality of her scar be an excuse. We then became great friends for over 3 years, talked on the phone and went out all the time. I became addicted to being so needed by someone. I had convinced myself I loved her, told her so, and she said she valued me more as a friend. My first true friendzoning experience. She betrayed my trust with a boyfriend of hers, and I cut her out of my life. Haven't spoken to her to this day. That was all for the best.
Anyway, one of her friends went out drinking with us one weekend. She ended up raping me, literally. She got me drunk, and refused "no" for an answer. I even asked my "friend" to help me out, and she wouldn't. This girl forced her way into my bed, stripped naked, and forcibly touched me until I got hard. Being drunk, I eventually gave in just "because." I was disgusted with myself in the morning, and still not proud of it to this day.
Didn't connect with any other women during my exercise science degree program - I was older, and I constantly got called, "Old man." Didn't feel good, since there were girls I liked but I was discounted because of my age.
At my personal training internship, one of the female trainers came on to me at a bar. I didn't bite because she was a coworker and "burped like a man" while we were in the break room. I really don't like chicks that burp, but to discount a lay b/c of that? I dunno. Funny enough, I ran into her at a store with my wife after I was married. I could tell she had disdain for my wife, and perhaps still had a crush on me.
My best friend's cousin, double D's and beautiful (but a single mom), came onto me at Thanksgiving a year before I met my wife. Had sex with her twice before she asked me if I was wasting her time. Told her I was "just having fun." That was over quick, she was looking for a husband and a father for her child. Being a "nice guy" gets you all kinds of interest from single moms.
Shortly thereafter met my wife (age 28), as a personal training client (she didn't need it, lol). Love at first sight for me. Whether or not it was for her, too, we quickly developed a heavily flirtatious relationship. She was the first person to ever train with me 3 times per week. She impressed me because not only was she beautiful, flirty, and had a great personality, she was smart. She worked full time while getting her nursing degree (at the Midwest's top academic university), and instead of spending her summer screwing around, she worked and saw me to get in better shape (not to mention, she did all this after having lost her dad in a tragic hunting accident!). She was spending over $500 a month on me. She could have leased a Porsche for that, or put the money toward student debt. Even so, I felt I was too old for her - I was 28, she was 20 - until she made it clear we were "practically the same age!" lol. I got the hint, so after two months, I asked her out. We went on two dates, and on the second date we ended up in my bed. Within two weeks, she moved in with me. The rest is history. (And by the way, guys, she said if I hadn't asked her out she would have asked me out, "Because I always get what I want." She does.)
Finally, the week before I asked my wife out for the first time, a female client (my age) I had helped lose 120 lbs. had developed a love-crush on me. I didn't know until I made my plans to ask my wife out clear, and she tried to rape me at a party. I got drunk, vomited on myself, and took my shirt off. I went to sleep it off in one of the guest rooms and woke up to her naked on top of me, pulling my pants down. I went along with it because I was so drunk. I didn't know what had really occurred until the next morning. Luckily, I was so drunk she couldn't get me hard enough to have sex with her. I told her, at our next personal training session, that I didn't remember what happened at the party. She never brought it up again.
Even after ALL THAT I know I'm STILL missing some occurrences of times I screwed up with women. That's how forward women can be, and how much WE CAN FUCK IT UP (or at least, how much *I* fucked up). Women really do make moves, dudes. I don't think I've ever, not once, orchestrated a situation where I "won over" some girl who previously didn't have a thing for me first.
Here's another thing that's pretty weird: Age 28-36: I haven't been propositioned once since dating my wife. I had always heard that "taken" men were wanted even more, but I haven't experienced that. I get looks here and there, but my marriage has never been tested. I can't help but think the only reason I'm looking for it is because of the level of regret I have for not capitalizing on past (and passed) opportunities. Regret's a bitch, my friends.
And now that I have all that out-of-the-bag and written down, I actually feel better! Wow!
PS (came up with this after editing):
My guess as to why no one's come on to me in recent years like before: lack of opportunity. I don't have any situations where I get to know women. I work out of my home, and raise my son. When I'm in public, it's superficial interaction at restaurants, the gym, the zoo, the rare party. Or, I'm out with my family (which creates a significant barrier). Anyway, looking back on all this, my advice to guys looking to get laid is: get involved where you have to get to know lots of different women. Get a job at a restaurant with lots of pretty waitresses or anywhere you'll have the opportunity to interact. And for Pete's sake, overcome your hangups and pull the trigger on opportunity when it comes knocking on your door, or one day you just might regret it.
EDIT 1: I remembered I forgot to include the blonde I ran into, while on break at work as a security guard, that I used to play doctor with. I mentioned this encounter earlier in my journal. She said out loud, "Me and the security guard are about to fuck!" Even with that blatant remark, it still didn't happen.
I also just remembered, after I got married while still living in an apartment, I got a buzz on my intercom. My wife was at work. A girl was visiting the apartment next door, but they wouldn't buzz her in. The door wouldn't work/unlock, so I had to go get her. When I got downstairs, I saw she was extremely attractive and in her early 20s, and holding a six pack of beer. She goes upstairs with me, and just as I'm about go back into my apartment she says, "Maybe I'll stop by in a bit and you can help me drink these beers." I replied, "I don't think my wife would appreciate that." But good for her for trying...
