Subliminal Talk

Had such a nasty day yesterday, emotionally, I went with 1 loop after getting up this morning.

Swells of emotion: anger, love, sadness, disdain, joy...even panic.

The DMSI Rollercoaster is back. Headaches, fatigue, and then mad respect. A client - guy is VP of his law firm - asked me for permission this morning to do a yoga strech for his back in between sets of rows. It was the way he asked that I found curious. It was like a kid in grade school asking his teacher to use the restroom.

Grocery shopping, being served food I get "Sir," a lot and/or top notch attention. While shopping for groceries today I saw a hottie, and expected the aura to slap her upside the head. When she didn't look up as I walked past, I got a surge of sadness/disappointment that almost put me to tears...in public! WTF!

No loops overnight, 2 loops US upon awakening.

Less loops is leaving me less moody, and more motivated. Suddenly I'm feeling driven to do a short PSMF (protein-sparing modified-fast). I haven't done one for years, because they're about as extreme as they come. Anyone interested can check out Lyle McDonald's Rapid Fat Loss Handbook. Essentially, it's high-protein, no fat (for the exception of 6-10g of omega-3 fatty acids), unlimited veggies, and incidental carbohydrates. 1 high-carb refeed/cheat meal per week. 2 full-body workouts, and low-intensity cardio (like walking). Short-term 2-4 week thing.

Had my church-lady client about 30 minutes after finishing loop 2. This lady is pristine. Yet, during the session she was hyper, snarky, used the F-word, told me some other TMI stuff, red-faced, and looked at my crotch about 5 times.

I kinda feel like going to the gym, but I'm still experiencing some mild fear concerning that. I don't know what the hell my problem is, but I gotta get over this shit. I just have this "fed up," feeling that usually gets my ass in gear. I'll procrastinate and procrastinate on different things until I'm about bursting with "ENOUGH!" This is a problematic cycle for me. The same pattern happens in macro and micro cycles in all areas of my life. It's tiresome, but I've never really been able to break it long-term.

My mind's on getting a haircut, getting new clothes, getting back to the gym, cutting weight...I guess we'll see if this is something that grows into something sustainable, or fades like a passing bout of mania.

Went out to run errands. Felt turbulent, emotionally. When I walked into Walmart to get some groceries, I noticed something. All this turbulence has destroyed my Walking B*tch Shield. What I mean by that is, no matter what I do, it seems like I walk around - chest puffed out, perfect posture, swag in my step - with this repellent energy. I'm sensitive to these kinds of things, and awhile back I figured out that I put out this "aura of arrogance" to actually keep women away from me. It was gone. When I realized this, it started to flicker back on (so-to-speak).

I then see this really cute (rare for Walmart in my experience) in the produce section. I check her out while grabbing a few lemons and limes (for one of the low-to-no cal salad dressing I'll be using in my PSMF) and she turns around. I look back down to what I'm doing and go about shopping. Next thing I know, she slides in front of me - almost touches me - while I'm looking at broccoli. I grab a few bunches of that, and then start looking at all the pre-packaged salads. I see out of the corner of my eye that she's standing just behind me. Suddenly, she darts in front of me and starts rearranging everything I'm looking at. It was so blatantly intentionally I couldn't help but let out a bark of a laugh. I didn't want to make her feel bad or whatever, so I left the area. A single man could have easily said, "Hi," and taken it from there.

EDIT: Oh yeah, went to Natural Grocers to get my 5 gallon refills of water for the training studio. Checked out with a guy who asked how I was, nervously laughed at anything I said, talked enthusiastically about the beautiful weather, nervously laughed some more, stuttered & stammered, and then said, "Have a really great day, SIR!"

Used the silent .mp3 to time my loops with waking this morning. 5 loops, TS, 9 out of 15 clicks volume, cozy phones.

Had a dream, felt the fear. I was out-of-town, felt like it was New York, but everyone was Asian or Middle Eastern. It was the future, again, and I was up early for a tour of the World's Tallest Building. I was scared to death, and excited. We were all waiting for a bus or similar to transport us. While waiting, I just stared at all the parts of all the beautiful exotic women waiting with me. Meanwhile, I could only picture being in the building at the top floor (which I remember the dream showed me how high the observation deck was from a 3rd person narration point-of-view - "On the 563rd story is the observation deck...") and being part of a terrorist attack. I was convinced that a plane would be flown into the building, and I would know the fear of inevitable death. Obviously 9/11 affected this dream.

Woke up with the familiar exhaustion of having slept listening to DMSI. No energy until coffee.

Male client, 80-years-old and very accomplished (we're peas-in-a-pod, if we were the same age he'd be my best friend), got along even better than we usually do today. We just feed off each other's energy and wit. Always fun. But today, I felt like all his stories were geared to impress me.

Last night, my dad trained and the things he said were shocking in some ways. It's like he had a six pack (he doesn't drink more than a beer, ever), disinhibited with everything that came out of his mouth. I can't say I like what I heard. He has some real nasty uber-right thoughts about people. I just kept my mouth shut and didn't feed into it. People definitely say things they normally wouldn't feel comfortable saying otherwise around me.

Going to the movies to see Hell or High Water shortly. It's a rainy, cold day here - perfect movie weather. Looking forward to that.

Just sat down at my movie. Went to get a pop first. There were two chicks, no line. I wanted to go to the cute one, but for some reason just stood back. The other one asks what I want, then the cute one says, "I like your shirt!" I'm wearing my Death Star shirt. She points to her name tag. It says "Favorite Movie: The Empire Strikes Back." Nice! She continues to stare, smile, and is twisting back and forth with a huge smile on her face. I then teased the other one for not having a favorite movie on hers. Got a laugh out of the cute one.

EDIT: Just remembered that after the movie (which was EXCELLENT) I used the restroom. I have a notoriously shy kidney. Both urinals next to me were in use, and I had no issues. Just need to reproduce that result to be sure, but it's a relief. Yes pun intended.

Movie got out so that I didn't have time to go home before my wife had to leave for a meeting at the hospital. Had to meet her there to swap my son from her car to mine.

This is where it gets interesting. Her coworker (and best work friend), same job, is the hottest 38-year-old woman I've ever seen. Not only is she smokin' hot, she's very intelligent, compassionate, and driven doing what she does. The last time I saw her? When I was running AOSI - at a Mexican restaurant. I wrote about that in my journal.

So, I get my son out of my wife's car, start walking to mine, and then call to my wife about if she's fed our boy lunch. Out of nowhere comes her coworker, smiling brightly, and answers back, "Nah, he's gettin' too chubby - she's not feeding him anymore!" I said back, "Nah, that's his daddy!" It was said in the most playful, flirtatious manner (her comment, and, well mine too!).

The first time I ever met her I chauffeured her and my wife to and from the airport for a Vegas work trip (they also played). This was before AOSI, and I was wearing Voodoo and then Voodoo and Nude Alpha (pheromones, for those of you not in-the-know). These had a great affect on her. Wonder if it's kept her thinking about me all this time...Dunno!

EDIT: Also been noticing seemingly random thoughts about having an abundance mentality today.

EDIT2: Rocking another headache right now. Thanks resistance.

What'd you think of Hell or High Water?

(09-13-2016, 05:39 PM)chaosvrgn Wrote: [ -> ]What'd you think of Hell or High Water?

"Ten of me, I told ya!"

Amazing movie. I love Ben Foster, he's always been a favorite of mine. The performances were gold all around. I was surprised - and impressed - especially by Chris Pine.

I'll be keeping an eye on director David Mackenzie and screenwriter Taylor Sheridan. The one-liners had me in tears, and the depth of the emotional landscape about did as well. I love movies that not only entertain, but get you to really feel something.

I can see myself watching this again and again.

(09-13-2016, 05:47 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]

(09-13-2016, 05:39 PM)chaosvrgn Wrote: [ -> ]What'd you think of Hell or High Water?

"Ten of me, I told ya!"

Amazing movie. I love Ben Foster, he's always been a favorite of mine. The performances were gold all around. I was surprised - and impressed - especially by Chris Pine.

I'll be keeping an eye on director David Mackenzie and screenwriter Taylor Sheridan. The one-liners had me in tears, and the depth of the emotional landscape about did as well. I love movies that not only entertain, but get you to really feel something.

I can see myself watching this again and again.

I said the exact same thing about Chris Pine! I'm so used to him being pretty terrible as Kirk that I was very pleased with his performance.

Sheridan also wrote "Sicario," which was a visually stunning movie. The story itself is kinda lacking, but I still loved it.

(09-13-2016, 05:55 PM)chaosvrgn Wrote: [ -> ]

(09-13-2016, 05:47 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]

(09-13-2016, 05:39 PM)chaosvrgn Wrote: [ -> ]What'd you think of Hell or High Water?

"Ten of me, I told ya!"

Amazing movie. I love Ben Foster, he's always been a favorite of mine. The performances were gold all around. I was surprised - and impressed - especially by Chris Pine.

I'll be keeping an eye on director David Mackenzie and screenwriter Taylor Sheridan. The one-liners had me in tears, and the depth of the emotional landscape about did as well. I love movies that not only entertain, but get you to really feel something.

I can see myself watching this again and again.

I said the exact same thing about Chris Pine! I'm so used to him being pretty terrible as Kirk that I was very pleased with his performance.

Sheridan also wrote "Sicario," which was a visually stunning movie. The story itself is kinda lacking, but I still loved it.

Oh, no shit? I hadn't checked IMDB just yet (surprisingly). I really liked "Sicario," as well.

5 loops TS overnight last night, same setup.

Not much to report on, didn't leave the house. I've been in a horrible mood, thanks to the PSMF I've been doing. It's already the end of Day 3 of that. Probably why I'm cranky, tired, and have a constant headache. The sub could be contributing to that as well, but the diet is killing me - which I expected.

The motivation from the crash diet? It kinda came out of nowhere, most likely disgust for letting myself pack on 35 lb. from the six-pack I had last summer. But, it's the same-old cycle, same-ole song. I'm hoping I can get to a place where I look good, feel good, and can maintain it. Tired of the cycles.

Haven't had a drink since Sunday, watching football. Don't feel like one, and due to the diet - definitely won't be having one. Not feeling like it is the big deal. I thought it may be an issue, but it's not.

I was just asking myself last week where the motivation to get my nutrition in check, and the willpower to make consistently good choices comes from. Why was it so easy for me sometimes, but I didn't feel like I could do anything about it now? And then, BOOM - I'm suddenly motivated and able. Not sure if there's a connection there.

Super tired, not editing for mistakes/typos tonight. Hittin' the hay.

EDIT: Forgot, wanted to mention my libido is nil for the past few days. Likely diet related.

Ran 2 loops upon awakening, thinking I'd go to the gym when I was done.

Felt great, proud I was actually going to get back the gym - finally! Then, I got hungry so I made breakfast for myself and son. It took just one thought to get my negativity gears turning. Full downward spiral from there. Once again, stuck in the house and feeling down, negative, and useless. Throw me some water wings for my pity pool! Uggh. That just increases the self-disgust I'm feeling.

Old patterns have come up "out-of-nowhere" this morning. For instance, I used to have an aversion to the phone. In my early 20's, I had money issues that led to debt collector's blowing up my phone 24/7. To this day, I avoid numbers I don't recognize. I never get calls of note, so I ignore my phone save for existing clients, family, and friends. I then see I have a few voicemails - I hadn't even noticed one was from a few weeks ago. I listen, and it turned out it was a pretty important call. Sent me into a slight panic, and my mind was in the past again - the dumb, irresponsible 20-something. The whole ostrich scenario - avoidance of responsibilities I feared by sticking my head in the sand. Thought I had dealt with this, but apparently not.

I have also been thinking more about what I can do to replace the income I have from training clients. Haven't been happy doing what I do for awhile, but I can't just stop. I'd have to find a way to replace the income, and while I'd like to get out of the house, there just aren't any sensible part-time options that will pay anywhere close to what I'm bringing in, hour-for-hour. Bah! My wife and I are also committed to keeping our son (and future children) out of daycare. Seems like a home-based business online is the only option. That, or stay on this path I don't find fulfilling at all. Perhaps I'm just being ungrateful for the position I'm in - the very position I planned and asked for.

Anyway, I feel like I should just throw my kid in the car and go somewhere - the park, anywhere! But instead I'm just sitting here on my ass, while he watches Thomas & Friends, feeling like a prisoner of my own mind and emotions.

Wondering if I should run another 3 loops after I put my boy down for his nap, or just let these 2 loops process.

Oh yeah, I ordered another full spectrum light to prevent Seasonal Affective Disorder. Every winter, except for the winter I used my old light (before it broke) every day, has been a near-nightmare for me. Two years ago, the winter flew by and I got ripped by March. I was happy and productive. Last winter, I didn't use a light and it was horrible. The good thing is that feeling drove me to dive into using E2.

Hmmm. 5 loops a day. Not 2.