Day 79:
So the possible problem with the current ASC would be that it is only drawn from the past moments of confidence? How about someone who has never really been confident in themselves or if there was a confident moment it was still somewhat covered in fear?
I had this one moment today (for 10min) that I felt ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT, completely calm and relaxed while being totally certain in my walk and being. I don't think there was one place in my body that held any tension for those 10 minutes, it was incredibly windy outside but somehow I was so rooted in the ground that it didn't move me one bit (normally I'd zigzag when it's windy). No tension, no anxiety, no fear. Greatest 10 minutes of the week!
So either I am getting fed up with peoples bs attitudes or people have been trying to push my buttons and test me. It could be both actually.
There have been quite a few instances where people have tried to dominate or plain make me submissive. I notice this more than I used to, I guess at one point this became normal for me and my normal reaction would have been to get angry inside while not showing it.
This has been a huge block for me in the past so it might be the ASC/universe's way of getting me to deal with this issue by manifesting more of it and harsher. In the past this would have completely broken me and pushed me back into an empty shell of a being, but now I feel that I am almost ready to tackle this head on, aka tell people to go fuck themselves when they push my boundaries too hard or make them feel worse.
I didn't realize it myself until it was too late, but early on in my own listening to ASC certain people were testing me and I felt like I failed miserably. I could probably handle them better now, but at the time I might have burned my bridges with them.
(03-23-2016, 08:55 AM)apollolux Wrote: [ -> ]I didn't realize it myself until it was too late, but early on in my own listening to ASC certain people were testing me and I felt like I failed miserably. I could probably handle them better now, but at the time I might have burned my bridges with them.
I see what you mean. Honestly, I still fail at standing up for myself and then replay the situation in my head for a day or two. However it's less intense as far as I can tell. It's incredibly uncomfortable, yet it doesn't shut me down into a complete doormat zombie.
I think something like this has it's roots way deep, almost at the survival level where the flight, fight or freeze response lies.
ASC seems to manifest a lot of situations that want to challenge that confidence, often it seems like there's not enough confidence to handle these situations. Maybe over time the gap between the confidence level and challenge level decreases so it won't feel quite as overwhelming.
Day 83:
Sleep is incredibly important on these subs, especially on ASC. I need a solid 9 hours of sleep to even function, 8 hours is not enough.
Resistance on ASC has been more in the body than it has been in the head lately. Acne returned about a month ago and even while it is not in a large quantity, it takes forever to disappear and when it does more surfaces (that is with medication). This feels like it's somehow related to the resistance.
I turned up the volume of ASC on my player by 10% and that has surfaced a whole bunch of other crap. Rough few days.
So this is day 90, normally I'd stop today but I'll give it another week and go with the subliminaltalk's 3months=96 days anomaly.
I am no longer between choosing EHPRA or AM6 for my next sub. I am now between choosing EHPRA, AM6 or staying with ASC. The question is, what do I want to achieve with this year?
I still feel like I'm hiding from my problems on a huge scale and there's a lot of hidden anxiety around people. I can't seem to be able to take responsibility for my own life, there's a part of me that want to get clear on what I want to do and what direction I want to take (career, interests, dating life, level of wealth to aim for). Then there's a part of me (dominant) that is so fearful that it wants me to stay at the same place, make no decisions, wait for ASC to build confidence until I am ready to tackle all of that. When considering all that, ASC seems more like the easy way out kind of a choice since it doesn't focus on facing the problems or the anxiety. This might not be completely true, but that's how it seems to me now.
EHPRA is a different story, great program for healing and dealing with anxiety, however it feels a lot like a stalling sub as well. Doesn't really force on a direction or moving forward, but rather staying and healing. It's not a bad thing, but I feel like I want more direction in life.
AM6 seems like the best of both and an overall great growth sub, but I am not quite sure I'm ready to run in again. Last time was a little too rough so I am a bit afraid to run it. Also I am living with my parent so this might bring up a lot of conflict.
I wrote this to bring myself clarity, but somehow I am still lost in which one to choose. Any external input would be helpful and could bring up things that I have missed.
On ASC: I have been having this incredible feeling of power about an hour or 2 after I wake up. It doesn't last very long, but it feels incredible. Sort of like anything is possible, whatever I were to choose to do or make my goal, it would be accomplished with absolute certainty and short intense steps. This is accompanied with pretty much absolute silence from the mental chatter. Then the chatter starts to come back and the feeling of weakness and doubt returns.
I haven't been meditating or exercising for about a week since I've been very sick since the last weekend.
This is why I would want to keep running ASC. That feeling of absolute confidence that appears on occasions, but eventually would be this permanent state.
EHPRA 2.0 isn't a stalling sub. To me, it could be an end-all-be-all sub. Stress relief, emotional healing, appreciation & gratitude, overcome & outgrow shame/fear/guilty, happiness generation, a crap-ton of new tech (200-1200% more words-per-second?!), and programming that gets you to manifest/choose a life path that promotes healing and makes you happy.
(04-02-2016, 06:38 AM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]EHPRA 2.0 isn't a stalling sub. To me, it could be an end-all-be-all sub. Stress relief, emotional healing, appreciation & gratitude, overcome & outgrow shame/fear/guilty, happiness generation, a crap-ton of new tech (200-1200% more words-per-second?!), and programming that gets you to manifest/choose a life path that promotes healing and makes you happy.
I've already bought the sub so I'll be running it sooner or later, but compared to other subs I don't see healing as much of a direction or how it could help me find any direction that I want to move toward. And because of that I don't know how important it is for me to run this sub now or for how long I want to run it.
To me it really seems like a roadmap. You're at one place and trying to get to another 12 hours away. Logically it seems like a straight shot to the destination makes the most sense. But that straight shot isn't a straight road. And a lot of the time its speed limit isn't what we want. But if we ignore the straight shot, drive backwards for two hours we connect to a no toll freeway with an average speed of 80mph. The 12 hour trip is now an 11 hour trip, but you use a bit more gas. You also have different scenery. There isn't a right or a wrong road but the experience will be different depending on your choice.
(04-02-2016, 12:50 PM)FrostedFake Wrote: [ -> ]Do what I'm gonna do after WM, run E2 for 3 months then jump into AM6.
Odd that you posted this about 2 minutes after I thought it. I am almost certain about this now, especially since I have about 3 months until a few things change in my life. I was a bit uncertain about EHPRA recently, but I did have the intention to get rid of my anxiety for good since I first tried subs here, so that's what changed my mind.
(04-02-2016, 08:33 AM)Natious Wrote: [ -> ]...but compared to other subs I don't see healing as much of a direction or how it could help me find any direction that I want to move toward. And because of that I don't know how important it is for me to run this sub now or for how long I want to run it.
I see you've already decided to run "E2," but I gotta say, your comment doesn't make much sense to me.
My reasoning is this: If you're not healed, the goals you have in mind are likely false goals. Your perspective, from a healed mind and heart, will be quite different (read:better), and you will no longer think as you do now. Not at all. It will ultimately save you much time and frustration, and you'll be happier as a result.
(04-02-2016, 02:10 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ] (04-02-2016, 08:33 AM)Natious Wrote: [ -> ]...but compared to other subs I don't see healing as much of a direction or how it could help me find any direction that I want to move toward. And because of that I don't know how important it is for me to run this sub now or for how long I want to run it.
I see you've already decided to run "E2," but I gotta say, your comment doesn't make much sense to me.
My reasoning is this: If you're not healed, the goals you have in mind are likely false goals. Your perspective, from a healed mind and heart, will be quite different (read:better), and you will no longer think as you do now. Not at all. It will ultimately save you much time and frustration, and you'll be happier as a result.
Yeah I have trouble expressing what I mean apparently, even my French teacher said so, after which I had to pretty much explain to her everything that I wrote in the 4 page long story. I have a slight feeling that it's related to me not expressing my emotions since childhood or ADHD or whatever.
Let's just say I was doubtful of running E2 after 3 months of ASC. ASC occasionally let off this vibe of strong willingness and drive to go for what I want in life regardless of what's on my way. However the vibe wasn't nearly strong enough to actually get me on board.
People have reported going for what they want with AM6 so that seemed like a reasonable second choice. E2 on the other hand, however I try to see it, doesn't strike me as a sub that would have such a strong drive, but I could be wrong about this.
(04-02-2016, 02:55 PM)Natious Wrote: [ -> ]People have reported going for what they want with AM6 so that seemed like a reasonable second choice. E2 on the other hand, however I try to see it, doesn't strike me as a sub that would have such a strong drive, but I could be wrong about this.
It doesn't have that drive, imo. But what E2 and OGSF5G have instead is this allowance and inclusion of others in your goal. That'd be the unconditional love parts, and also the liking and kindness towards yourself reflected by, or projected onto, others. I'm searching for words here.
E.g. with girls in bars, before I always needed this drive to beat the perceives obstacles to approaching - last time I went I approached several girls but never felt the anxiety, because now I looked at them and thought "I like them", and they liked me back (smiled or I expected them to), so you know I sort of had to go for it not to be weird. But these weren't cold approaches, I'd talked to all of them before. And that might also be included in the programming: I wouldn't want to hit a club and approach cold chicks with no connection. Its anti healing, unless you're exceptionally healthy already.
At work, there's stuff I " should" do, like getting a better job, but it doesn't motivate me, I think because the options I'm considering don't feel like they'd be fulfilling to me. But I have gotten around to making good progress in the hardest part of my current job - not by pushing harder (drive), but by being more gentle towards myself about it.
At the start of E2, I'd say I got a little needier than I was, because of emotional opening and it being new to me. I think I'm coming back on my own now. Didn't have that with OGSF. I'm thinking this won't be an issue if you focus on actual living more than the sub.
For anxieties, I can't really say if it'd be better to run E2 or OGSF. OGSF showed me very practical dreams e.g. of succeeding in something I feared to fail in, but E2 is more like this big healing thing that'll probably affect your thinking and motives in a grand scale, but it takes time.
These are of course just my impressions, and they might be skewed. But I hope that helps you get a better picture, it helped me to write it.
E: About AM, I'd like to go for it because of the drive and AOS included, but I feel like atm it'd be going back to "me against the world" too much. That I think like that must mean I'm not ok inside, or like myself enough, because I feel like i'd need to protect myself against the world. I'll switch to drive subs when I feel better about that.