Subliminal Talk

(04-03-2016, 12:37 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]

(04-02-2016, 02:55 PM)Natious Wrote: [ -> ]People have reported going for what they want with AM6 so that seemed like a reasonable second choice. E2 on the other hand, however I try to see it, doesn't strike me as a sub that would have such a strong drive, but I could be wrong about this.

It doesn't have that drive, imo. But what E2 and OGSF5G have instead is this allowance and inclusion of others in your goal. That'd be the unconditional love parts, and also the liking and kindness towards yourself reflected by, or projected onto, others. I'm searching for words here.

E.g. with girls in bars, before I always needed this drive to beat the perceives obstacles to approaching - last time I went I approached several girls but never felt the anxiety, because now I looked at them and thought "I like them", and they liked me back (smiled or I expected them to), so you know I sort of had to go for it not to be weird. But these weren't cold approaches, I'd talked to all of them before. And that might also be included in the programming: I wouldn't want to hit a club and approach cold chicks with no connection. Its anti healing, unless you're exceptionally healthy already.

At work, there's stuff I " should" do, like getting a better job, but it doesn't motivate me, I think because the options I'm considering don't feel like they'd be fulfilling to me. But I have gotten around to making good progress in the hardest part of my current job - not by pushing harder (drive), but by being more gentle towards myself about it.

At the start of E2, I'd say I got a little needier than I was, because of emotional opening and it being new to me. I think I'm coming back on my own now. Didn't have that with OGSF. I'm thinking this won't be an issue if you focus on actual living more than the sub.

For anxieties, I can't really say if it'd be better to run E2 or OGSF. OGSF showed me very practical dreams e.g. of succeeding in something I feared to fail in, but E2 is more like this big healing thing that'll probably affect your thinking and motives in a grand scale, but it takes time.

These are of course just my impressions, and they might be skewed. But I hope that helps you get a better picture, it helped me to write it.

E: About AM, I'd like to go for it because of the drive and AOS included, but I feel like atm it'd be going back to "me against the world" too much. That I think like that must mean I'm not ok inside, or like myself enough, because I feel like i'd need to protect myself against the world. I'll switch to drive subs when I feel better about that.

I guess I'll just do 3 months and see where it gets me, then re-evaluate from there.

I'm nearing the final days of 3 months on ASC. I'll be stopping at 95 days, that way I can get 3 days rest until I start E2 on Monday.

The goals I set now seem a little weird, there's no consistency in the results. Sometimes I feel confident, sometimes not.

On things that have improved:

-Body language: I feel much taller when I walk. There's often a lot of tension so I can't stay put for long periods of time, but that's ok, who said I have to stay put all the time? Just some bs childhood beliefs.

-Improve my beliefs and view on women: I expected this to go a whole other way than it has. My beliefs have become more and more similar to what I read from Dzemo's journal. That surprised me since I expected "improving my beliefs" to go more toward accepting of women, but instead I feel more and more resentful and angry. This isn't towards women only though, in people general. On a second thought, this isn't new. I have always had resentment, but it has been deep and hidden away. Now it's more on the surface so people can pick up on it. Will keep an eye on this on E2.

-Confident thinking: Occasional.

-Be confident in my abilities: Oh yes, this has improved a lot and I think this is the only extremely obvious result. Related to video games I have played fps games for at least 12 years so I have probably over 10,000 hours under my belt. Never have I had so consistently "high" skill level than I have now (this started showing around the 2-2,5 month mark).
I am also confident in my language improving capabilities. I am taking a class to improve one of my spoken languages and the confidence shows at times.

-To be ripped by the summer: I might have gone a little over board with that since I lost some lean mass. 8.4%bf 70kg (64.1kg lean)
I think the biggest muscle mass loss came when I got sick and couldn't workout or get out of bed for the past week and a half.

There has also been some negative things happening with ASC. My acne has come back and it's incredibly annoying since it takes many weeks to disappear (and that's with acne medicine). This is likely to do with resistance and anxiety that came with ASC. Another thing is that a lot of self hatred has surfaced on ASC. This is not easy to let go of, so hopefully E2 will shine some more light on this issue.

Overall ASC hasn't been too bad, I did hope for a little more progress in those months, but ASC has delivered some solid results never the less.

I am quite frustrated and angry today. I have been off ASC for 3 days and it feels like most of the effects have already worn off.
I remember reading multiple times that the effects from ASC are not long term (from Shannon's posts), but I didn't expect them to disappear in a few days.

It seems I was wrong. The effects of ASC are still there, but they feel more subtle when ASC isn't running in the background and reinforcing the script. Why I thought that the effects had disappeared was because I was able to concentrate very well on ASC, concentration without fear and doubt in the background. But now this has diminished somewhat and it's much more of an effort like in the past days, before ASC. This made me realize that ADHD might not be only treatable with "medication", but by changing beliefs and the negative programming in the mind.