(05-26-2016, 11:48 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]The good thing is, success is inevitable. 
I like that. I'm going to keep that in mind from now on. Thinking about failure all the time takes its toll on me.
Just a quick update. I increased the volume on the subliminal at night and noticed it effected me a lot more. Not super loud, but I'm listening to the masked version and I turned it up to a volume where I'd assume the voices on the track would be about internal dialogue level. So I'm thinking maybe I've been listening to this a bit too much on the quiet side. I think a little residual fear maybe manifesting itself. Noticed a lot more internal emotional shifts while listening, have to see what happens from here on out.
Eh more trickery from my mind. It seems like I'm always trying to figure out a way to make E2 work faster and it comes from fear so that last post was just a reflection of that. I recently turned 25 and it just feels like life has passed me by and I was just hiding for all those years. Never really experiencing them fully, sort of in a weird haze. I feel like I've talked about this before, getting some major deja vu right now.
Anyway my point is I've been so worried about running out of time I've been causing myself anxiety and getting nothing done. Too much thinking about the future, how long something is going to take, etc. I've been in such a shitty situation for so long I just want to fix everything now, but I know that isn't gonna happen. Reading some of Shannon's replies on that journal thread about observing the subliminal instead of constantly trying to make it work better got me thinking I need to let E2 do it's thing and trust. My problem is I'm still looking for better ways to do stuff and it's really just a form of procrastination because all that time searching for a better way is probably better spent putting my energy towards actually doing things.
Speaking of which I've noticed a shift towards naturally avoiding time killers like social media, tv, video games, etc. The way I see it is I'm building right now and as gratifying as those things are in the short term, long term they do me no good. And I've realized that once again they're really just procrastination. Half the time I don't even enjoy what I'm doing, I just enjoy not doing the thing that is causing me anxiety.
But my job is still giving me anxiety. Not that in your face anxiety. More like that subtle anxiety that just sits below the surface and constantly keeps you on edge. It sucks. I've been trying to tackle the source. So far all I've been getting is I'm worried I'm not performing up to their standards and I'll be let go. Then I won't have money and I'll be unemployed again and fall back into that spiral of depression that comes with being unable to find a job. Without going into details I'm required to sign people up for credit cards as part of my job, but they expect me to be this pushy sales type and I'm not so I currently have 0. I ask people and if they want one I give it to them, that's about it. So basically every day I go into work I feel like my job is on the line and I have managers questioning why I don't have any credit applications yet. It's stressful and no matter how many times I tell myself to not care and if they fire me they fire me, I still get anxiety.
It's amazing...that post is pretty much my EXACT experience on E2. Even the thoughts, and thought processes.
Just wanted you to know, you aren't alone. I went into EXTREME detail in my journal. You seem to also do massive, detailed posts, so you may appreciate it. I think by now, it's on the second last page, documenting my first several days on the sub.
Keep going.
I think it's a good thing you're sticking to your principles, mat, especially in a telemarketing job. I seem to find myself in a similar situation where a classmate is trying to recruit me to a financial services company and I would basically be telemarketing similar offerings to you. Last time I did sales was 10+ years ago and I feel that after running the sub's I have I'd be in a similar situation as you where I'd probably have to choose between compromise and principles.
There's a relevant quote I might end up butchering: "If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything."
(05-31-2016, 09:23 AM)apollolux Wrote: [ -> ]I think it's a good thing you're sticking to your principles, mat, especially in a telemarketing job. I seem to find myself in a similar situation where a classmate is trying to recruit me to a financial services company and I would basically be telemarketing similar offerings to you. Last time I did sales was 10+ years ago and I feel that after running the sub's I have I'd be in a similar situation as you where I'd probably have to choose between compromise and principles.
There's a relevant quote I might end up butchering: "If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything."
Thanks, it's good to hear that from someone other than myself. My principles are very important to me and when people step on them I get pissed. Which is what this company has been doing to me. But the crazy part is this isn't a telemarketing job. I'm a cashier at a big retail store, won't give names I'm paranoid they google this shit. I have to do all the normal duties of a cashier on top of getting people to apply for these credit cards. All for a whopping 9 dollars an hour. I'm holding out until I can find something better because this job is taking its toll on me.
(05-31-2016, 10:39 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]But the crazy part is this isn't a telemarketing job. I'm a cashier at a big retail store, won't give names I'm paranoid they google this shit. I have to do all the normal duties of a cashier on top of getting people to apply for these credit cards. All for a whopping 9 dollars an hour. I'm holding out until I can find something better because this job is taking its toll on me.
In my opinion, if there's no incentive to sell the cards like a commission or raise it's not worth expending the effort to do so in this case.
(05-31-2016, 11:35 AM)apollolux Wrote: [ -> ] (05-31-2016, 10:39 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]But the crazy part is this isn't a telemarketing job. I'm a cashier at a big retail store, won't give names I'm paranoid they google this shit. I have to do all the normal duties of a cashier on top of getting people to apply for these credit cards. All for a whopping 9 dollars an hour. I'm holding out until I can find something better because this job is taking its toll on me.
In my opinion, if there's no incentive to sell the cards like a commission or raise it's not worth expending the effort to do so in this case.
They give me commission. But after the first five for the month. Then it's two bucks for each application. Not worth my time, that mental energy is better off being retained so I can utilize it in more productive areas of my life. I don't know what it is about corporations but they have this mistaken belief that your whole life revolves around them as if you want to be assimilated into some homogenized system to validate your status in society. Makes me sick to my stomach.
As a side note I wanted to see if anybody else running E2 gets these moments of fear that quickly come in and then subside. Sometimes when I run it during the day I'll notice a tension building up in my body which is usually a cue that I'm resisting what it's bringing up. So I let go into the feeling and I get these almost panic sort of feelings. Like if you hold your breath under water and that moment where you feel like you need to go up for air. That split second feeling in that moment is the best I can describe it. I know going through it I'll come out the other side better, but I frequently find myself wanting to avoid it at all costs and I feel it delays my growth. I'm not sure if this is the subliminal instructions telling me to back off or if I should just push through it. I guess they are almost like mini panic attacks.
I don't get sudden bursts of fear, Mat.
I DO get, constant intense heat the whole time I'm listening, like I'm in a sauna, and can last a little while after stopping. I get a feeling of pressure, usually in my stomach/torso/sides area. I get a feeling of weight in the same areas, and my arms sometimes, like parts of me are suddenly WAY heavier. As I type this, my right arm is VERY VERY heavy...it's bizarre...I get feelings of sudden falling, even while sitting doing nothing and listening. Weightlessness. And, sudden, sharp, very strong pains in certain places, some go away after a few seconds, others linger for awhile, 10-15 minutes. Those obviously, are very concerning, and did NOT happen before E2.
(06-01-2016, 10:08 AM)CatMan Wrote: [ -> ]I don't get sudden bursts of fear, Mat.
I DO get, constant intense heat the whole time I'm listening, like I'm in a sauna, and can last a little while after stopping. I get a feeling of pressure, usually in my stomach/torso/sides area. I get a feeling of weight in the same areas, and my arms sometimes, like parts of me are suddenly WAY heavier. As I type this, my right arm is VERY VERY heavy...it's bizarre...I get feelings of sudden falling, even while sitting doing nothing and listening. Weightlessness. And, sudden, sharp, very strong pains in certain places, some go away after a few seconds, others linger for awhile, 10-15 minutes. Those obviously, are very concerning, and did NOT happen before E2.
I read about that in your journal. I think that's a result of this aspect of E2,
Quote:Physical, mental and emotional relaxation to maximize and benefit healing and regeneration.
You know how if you're hopped up on adrenaline and get hurt you can shrug it off? But later you start to feel it? I think the body is a lot like that when it comes to stress and physical issues in the body. We get stuck in an elevated state of fight or flight and then when we truly relax and let go the issues pop up. I'd take all of it as a sign of healing. Shannon mentioned E2 could be like a deep tissue massage almost and it's been my experience as well. So the heaviness is a good sign, just removing that tension that's frequently held in your muscles without even realizing it. The feeling of pressure in your stomach could be unresolved emotional issues that you can't link to any conscious reason. E2 really opens you up, it'll show you things you literally could not perceive before. As for the heat, I get that sometimes, I imagine it's just the body putting out massive energy.
(06-01-2016, 10:32 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (06-01-2016, 10:08 AM)CatMan Wrote: [ -> ]I don't get sudden bursts of fear, Mat.
I DO get, constant intense heat the whole time I'm listening, like I'm in a sauna, and can last a little while after stopping. I get a feeling of pressure, usually in my stomach/torso/sides area. I get a feeling of weight in the same areas, and my arms sometimes, like parts of me are suddenly WAY heavier. As I type this, my right arm is VERY VERY heavy...it's bizarre...I get feelings of sudden falling, even while sitting doing nothing and listening. Weightlessness. And, sudden, sharp, very strong pains in certain places, some go away after a few seconds, others linger for awhile, 10-15 minutes. Those obviously, are very concerning, and did NOT happen before E2.
I read about that in your journal. I think that's a result of this aspect of E2, Quote:Physical, mental and emotional relaxation to maximize and benefit healing and regeneration.
You know how if you're hopped up on adrenaline and get hurt you can shrug it off? But later you start to feel it? I think the body is a lot like that when it comes to stress and physical issues in the body. We get stuck in an elevated state of fight or flight and then when we truly relax and let go the issues pop up. I'd take all of it as a sign of healing. Shannon mentioned E2 could be like a deep tissue massage almost and it's been my experience as well. So the heaviness is a good sign, just removing that tension that's frequently held in your muscles without even realizing it. The feeling of pressure in your stomach could be unresolved emotional issues that you can't link to any conscious reason. E2 really opens you up, it'll show you things you literally could not perceive before. As for the heat, I get that sometimes, I imagine it's just the body putting out massive energy.
I hope you're right!
I can deal with all of it no problem but the sudden, strong pains are alarming and worry me at times. Of course.
It's wild how all of these physical things are happening, I did not expect this. I got something like this ONCE during AM6, a very sharp, very deep and strong pain in my chest. Lasted a few minutes, then went away. Never came back on that program. I don't remember any during SM3, that was just blank mostly, I guess I was stonewalling it through fear.
E2 is definitely on a whole other level compared to any of the prior programs. It hits you in a completely different way.
Man, I just realized I've been heavily resisting what this subliminal has been bringing up for the past few weeks. Is it possible to procrastinate emotionally healing yourself? Because I think that's what I've been doing. Today I've just been really letting the subliminal do it's thing and relax and let it pull up whatever needs to come up and release it. It's been pretty unpleasant so far, it feels like this never ending pit in my stomach that I keep pulling crap out of. Just when I think I've cleared out all I need to, there's more there hidden away. I'm really astounded just how much stuff is there that I wasn't even aware of. Makes me wonder about all the harmful beliefs that might have been passed on through the generations in my family unconsciously. It had to have come from somewhere because there's no way I had enough events in my life as a child growing up to cause this much emotional damage.
Family, friends, school, romantic interests, strangers at times, advertising, media, songs, films, tv shows...trust me, there's TONS of sources.
From what I have read, you don't seem to be able to use escapism to avoid growth on this. Another guy was concerned about it as well, and Shannon said one of the reasons the program took longer, was because he was making sure the program can't be sidestepped that way. The mind has NO choice this time with E2, Matt
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So I think I still have remnants of a victim mentality. You know the funny thing about a victim mentality? You tell someone they have it and they get defensive and play out the victim mentality some more. I used to think my struggle was special or different somehow, that mostly everyone else has it easier. Not gonna lie, I definitely felt short changed in life. But I spent a good amount of years feeling bad about it instead of doing something. Anytime someone told me to push my comfort zone or try harder I'd get pissed. In my mind I was doing all I could do, but I really wasn't. Especially now that I've seen so much progress being made on E2 and how it's slowly removing those beliefs that make me believe that things should be easier.
I was working on my music the other day and I was fighting a familiar battle with procrastination and not finishing a track. I noticed I kept thinking that maybe I was missing something, some kind of knowledge or if I just made my drums sound better my track would be good enough. But then I realized that the only way to get better at this is to keep doing it. And I felt that it should be easier and I was doing something wrong, but the truth is if it was easy everyone would do it. I thought about the pioneers in the music I like and how back in the day their resources were limited and they were forced to experiment and discover on their own. Nowadays it's information overload and you can get so paralyzed trying to figure out how to do the "right" thing that you never take the initiative to explore things yourself. When I thought I was working hard on researching new techniques and progressing, I was really just afraid of doing things myself because of everything being unknown. I never learned that much because half the time it wasn't a quest for knowledge, it was a quest for the right answer out of fear.
Along with that I'm noticing my horrible habit of dissociating has decreased a lot. I think this is because my fear has gone down a lot. I'd imagine dissociation is just a defense mechanism I created when I had all this fear and anxiety and no solution to it. In a way I felt like I had a choice when I engaged in it in the past, but also I felt that it kind of just happened as a self preservation thing beyond my control. Either way it's going down now which I'm grateful for because dissociating is one of the things that led to me losing control of my life. I'd constantly hide from things and hoped they would go away on their own but they grew even bigger and I payed the price.
More insight. I think part of this self growth on E2 is understanding that things aren't static and trying to hold onto things too much no matter how positive is just as bad as dwelling in the negative. What I mean by that is I have to accept that I'm not a superhuman being with complete mastery over my emotions and states. I was feeling pretty good yesterday in the morning, but then my mood slowly went down over the course of the day. Instead of accepting that, I tried too hard to remain in a positive mindset. There's a positive mindset cultivated by analyzing and deconstructing your negative beliefs and there's the positive mindset that I try to keep based on fear of the negative creeping in again. One of those is productive and the other isn't.
In the end it all boils down to trying to escape whatever uncomfortable thing I'm experiencing instead of facing it head on. It may not be dissociation, but it follows the same fear based pattern so I'm assuming my mind is going to keep throwing these tricks at me until I resolve this stuff fully. In the meantime I have to be more aware of my responses to my emotional states themselves.
Having said that I'm always amazed how the mind works and all the different twists and turns I'll end up taking inside my own head before completing the simplest of tasks. It's almost like I'm aware of the ridiculousness of it all, but at the same time don't always have control of it.