(03-31-2016, 11:12 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm wondering if this is just areas of my body where the emotions are stored and I'm just starting to release them now. Sort of like getting a deep tissue massage and these are emotional knots of balled up energy.
You're describing three very important chakra points there. Heart and solar plexus points are pretty much where emotions come from. And the throat one might be just because you're having difficulty to verbally express yourself in terms of describing these feelings.
(03-31-2016, 11:59 AM)Blink Wrote: [ -> ] (03-31-2016, 11:12 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm wondering if this is just areas of my body where the emotions are stored and I'm just starting to release them now. Sort of like getting a deep tissue massage and these are emotional knots of balled up energy.
You're describing three very important chakra points there. Heart and solar plexus points are pretty much where emotions come from. And the throat one might be just because you're having difficulty to verbally express yourself in terms of describing these feelings.
That makes a lot of sense actually. There's been some massive energy shifts going around in my body. I used to really be into energy healing, but then got caught up in the negative views of people who bash it so sort of shut down that awareness. But now I think I'm coming back to it again.
I know Shannon didn't put any direct chakra work in the subliminal, so this is probably me just taking up old skills I left behind.
(03-31-2016, 01:55 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (03-31-2016, 11:59 AM)Blink Wrote: [ -> ] (03-31-2016, 11:12 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm wondering if this is just areas of my body where the emotions are stored and I'm just starting to release them now. Sort of like getting a deep tissue massage and these are emotional knots of balled up energy.
You're describing three very important chakra points there. Heart and solar plexus points are pretty much where emotions come from. And the throat one might be just because you're having difficulty to verbally express yourself in terms of describing these feelings.
That makes a lot of sense actually. There's been some massive energy shifts going around in my body. I used to really be into energy healing, but then got caught up in the negative views of people who bash it so sort of shut down that awareness. But now I think I'm coming back to it again.
I know Shannon didn't put any direct chakra work in the subliminal, so this is probably me just taking up old skills I left behind.
I was thinking the same thing Blink was, apparently.
What you're experiencing is the wisdom of your own subconscious and the effects of it's interaction with the Optimus Engine. Remember that the Optimus Engine will focus you on your goal and
find a way, using your own higher/deeper knowledge of whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. I described it in Version 1.0 of the OE as being like a tank round; it'll go straight to whatever the goal is and right through anything in it's path.
Version 3.0 of OE is much more sophisticated. It will locate the goal, and then plot the best path from point A to point B, via which success is most assured. That means that it can and will adjust to whatever your circumstances and needs are in order to achieve maximum success getting to the goal, and it can avoid "going through" whatever is "in the way" if doing so will be for any reason detrimental. It's now much more like an intelligent self contained goal seeking missile that locates it's target, finds whatever the best way to get to and achieve it is, and then uses that method and path to do exactly that without ever missing the target no matter what.
It may not get to the target as fast as 1.0, but it will always get to the target and it will always achieve it's goal.
Very interesting. That's sort of what I suspected with the OE. But 3.0 sounds incredible.
As far as a goal goes, I feel like my only goal ever since I was aware enough of it was to attain freedom. I don't know how to describe it but I always had this gut level intuition that I needed to grow more and not accept the limitations others have. I've been trying to figure out consciously how to attain that, but I recently realized a lot of this stuff is just going on at a completely different level that most people would laugh at or call me crazy.
I keep having these moments while listening to the subliminal where it feels like there's this intensity that builds up in my body and I know it's healing taking place. But I still struggle to allow that healing to happen and my conscious mind tries to take control of the situation. Like I'm afraid of being consumed by the emotions and feelings that are popping up. It's like a back and forth thing. I'll let go for a while and then once something really intense pops up I'll try to take back control to feel safe again. I'm not sure if this a protective mechanism to prevent me from taking on too much at once or if it's just a fear of the unknown.
It was rough last night. I kept waking up in the middle of the night with this gnawing sensation right in my stomach. I can feel myself letting down my guard more for the subliminal. But it's met with this emotional intensity I've never really experienced before. Almost like I want to tear open my stomach and rip out whatever is in there. I've been able to spend more and more time with these issues instead of avoiding them.
I've gotten really good at avoiding this stuff over the years. I never fully addressed these things because I thought I was just dwelling on them and it was better to not pay attention or get sucked into it. But now I realize I was just practicing avoidance of dealing with very real emotions. If there's one thing I'm really coming to terms with it's that this stuff gets released when you're ready to let go of it. You can't really rush it along or want it to be over with, that just leads to more avoidance. All my attempts through conscious intervention to speed along the process really just made things take longer because it was like procrastinating from getting into the deeper stuff.
More importantly I'm going to stop obsessing over how to make this work faster. I still feel that feeling of needing to compare myself to others, but it's not as strong anymore. It's just been really rough over the years, not being able to explain to people why I do the things I do or how hard it is to just merely "get over it". It still feels like making excuses, even when I've started making a lot of progress in my life. I guess there's still some shame in me of feeling like I'm not doing all that I can do.
Also I was wondering why I seem to get better results during the day and I realized I don't play the volume as loud at night. So I'll be boosting the volume at night to see what kind of difference it makes. I avoided playing it louder because I was worried that maybe it would be too intense and effect my sleep in an unfavorable way, but I'm pretty much past that now and willing to do whatever it takes to keep moving forward at a strong pace.
So many things I've been delusional about that are coming to light. I used to always pride myself on never getting angry. I honestly believed that I had this amazing control over anger and now I'm realizing I really don't. I just stuffed it down over the years and that's it.
It's been pouring out of me these past few days. So much rage and frustration. Most of it surrounds how I'm sick of feeling like I need to justify why I am the way I am. The thing I tend to value the most in my life is my creative expression and I'd gladly work a job with less hours and less pay if it meant more time to pursue that. It's not even about being noticed by other people or making money off of it, it's just making music feels like being home to me. Music in general just fills this massive void in my life.
A lot of this anger is directed at myself as well. I'm really upset that when it comes to the real world I have trouble holding firm to my values. I'm easily manipulated by others if they use fear. This is mostly related to working jobs. I know some guys here don't see holding down a job as a big deal in their life, but it's a huge obstacle for me. A lot of it is just trying to make sure I don't get screwed by a company because I don't have enough of a backbone. Also to not take my mistakes at a job as a sign of worthlessness as a person. Especially when a lot of jobs are tailored to a certain personality type that I don't readily fit.
All in all when it comes to this stuff I just want it to feel less like going into a warzone and more like just seeing the whole thing as a game. If it takes a bit of anger or frustration to get myself to the point where I don't take people's shit I'll gladly abide by that. I'm just seriously fed up of living like I have to prove my worth to everyone around me instead of just acknowledging their opinions as useless. You know what's funny though? I can count on one hand the amount of times I've actually been criticized on a personal level. Most of it is just an imaginary fear, a paranoia. I'm quite literally afraid of something in my life that may never even happen. It's like I'm just preparing for the worst and making myself crazy because of it. And I'm doing it all to myself. People's actions are just that, their actions, what I choose to do after that is up to me. Unfortunately for me I have a bad habit of turning those actions into a laundry list of why I'm not good enough as a person or how incompetent I am.
This was supposed to be a short update haha, but it turned into a rant. EHPRA 2.0, this thing continues to shine light on things I wasn't even aware of consciously. Makes me realize my entire concept of myself is probably incredibly skewed towards the negative and I don't even process it.
(04-03-2016, 07:19 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]This was supposed to be a short update haha, but it turned into a rant. EHPRA 2.0, this thing continues to shine light on things I wasn't even aware of consciously. Makes me realize my entire concept of myself is probably incredibly skewed towards the negative and I don't even process it.
The changes I'm experiencing from EHPRA 2.0 feel so subtle to me that I'm having trouble expressing in words what I'm going through. I love how you articulate your feelings and experiences!!
(04-03-2016, 10:53 AM)4Kingdoms Wrote: [ -> ] (04-03-2016, 07:19 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]This was supposed to be a short update haha, but it turned into a rant. EHPRA 2.0, this thing continues to shine light on things I wasn't even aware of consciously. Makes me realize my entire concept of myself is probably incredibly skewed towards the negative and I don't even process it.
The changes I'm experiencing from EHPRA 2.0 feel so subtle to me that I'm having trouble expressing in words what I'm going through. I love how you articulate your feelings and experiences!!
Thanks! That's something I've always been good at mostly because there's so much going on up in my head the only way I can convey it is through writing. Anyway, glad someone found it useful.
Had a bit of an insight today. I've noticed my thoughts on what it means to emotionally heal have changed. I'm coming around to the idea that you don't have to fully express what it is you're feeling in order to let it go. Expression isn't bad, it's a lot better than holding it in, but I think there's an even better way that just lets you heal without being caught up in those really raw painful feelings that pop up.
It's kind of like how if you had a deep wound. You could stitch it closed so it heals or you could decide to mash your finger in that wound to see how deep it goes. One of those is incredibly unproductive to healing. That's pretty much what I've been doing to myself, causing more pain by digging deeper when I really don't need to. So what I do now is just identify what it is I'm feeling and then hold onto the intention that I'll let it go. It's not foolproof, but it keeps me in the mentality of letting go and moving on from problems instead of thinking I need to explore them in depth more.
I think I still have some limiting beliefs surrounding the whole healing process. It's odd to think that we can just move past issues and emotional pain with little to no discomfort, but really when you think about it why not? I'll admit for me there's a sort of compulsion to get sucked into these things and play them out in my mind but that's all it is, is a compulsion. Resisting the temptation to dwell on these problems leads to a more effective healing process where you bypass that stage of agitating those emotions and making things worse for yourself.
So I'm sitting here, it's about 11:20pm. I should be getting to sleep, but to be honest I don't want to go to sleep and have to deal with tomorrow. Just had some things I need to unload from my mind. It seems like with this sub I get these moments where I've healed from something and feel better. But I have a tendency to hold onto those feelings of contentment too much. So it's like I'll feel really good, but then I notice the darkness creeping back in. And every instinct in me tells me to avoid it and run the other way, but I realize it's just more stuff that needs to be healed and if I don't allow it I'll never get better.
What it comes down to is just making progress and growth in general. Sometimes when I overcome something or notice a change I have a tendency to get carried away and think things will be drastically different. But I come to realize there's more stuff I need to learn or work on.
It's the same for my music. I have these moments where I think I'm at a certain level, but I listen to my favorite artists and realize there's still a lot more growth that's needed. I shot myself in the foot in the past by ignoring what needed to be worked on because I was too insecure about sucking.
I'll be honest, lately I've felt like a lot of people just run around like chickens without heads and just give poor advice to everyone. Like the blind leading the blind. But to them I guess I'm just an aimless wanderer without direction. I guess on the outside my overall progress doesn't look like much, but I feel like the mental work I've done over the years is just me choosing to follow a path that I feel with reward me in the end more. One thing is for certain, since running this sub I've realized how careful you have to be about believing what others say. Some people live out there limiting beliefs as if they were facts and spread their ideas onto others without realizing it.
We have a high number of Armchair experts everywhere. It's up to the individual to discern the quality of the advice given by the person giving it.
Would you take swimming advice from a man who's drowning? Would you take weight loss advice from someone who is obese?
People give advice with the best of intentions. It's not intended to hurt. But there's a saying "the road to prison is paved with good intentions".
(03-31-2016, 11:12 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]This is a quick update because I felt I should mention it in case anyone else can relate to it when running this sub. A lot of the time the emotions I feel are felt in layers of intensity. For a while I've been stuck on the surface level, where it feels like it's all over my body. Sort of stuck in what I'm feeling and not moving beyond it. But lately when I go much deeper inside myself, don't really know how to describe it, I feel these small concentrated dense feelings throughout my body. The ones that are the most prominent are in my chest and my stomach. Occasionally I'll feel it in my throat as well. It's almost like getting to the source of those more surface level emotions I feel. It's also bringing awareness to how the real problem isn't the story tied to these feelings, it's just the energy of the feeling itself. It's like diving even deeper into my internal world.
I'm wondering if this is just areas of my body where the emotions are stored and I'm just starting to release them now. Sort of like getting a deep tissue massage and these are emotional knots of balled up energy.
Anyway it just made me realize how much deeper all this goes than where I was putting my attention at before. Words can't describe what these feelings are, but they are there. Just one of those things that's an experience that makes you realize language only touches the tip of what we feel as beings.
Believe it or not emotions,traumas etc. get stuck in the body. Doing yoga exercise,meditation and getting massages. Can help clear these things. As your running and clearing these things while using these subs.
(04-08-2016, 09:02 AM)eternitys_child Wrote: [ -> ]We have a high number of Armchair experts everywhere. It's up to the individual to discern the quality of the advice given by the person giving it.
Would you take swimming advice from a man who's drowning? Would you take weight loss advice from someone who is obese?
People give advice with the best of intentions. It's not intended to hurt. But there's a saying "the road to prison is paved with good intentions".
True. It's hard to discern the quality of advice sometimes though. Well it used to be for me anyway. Being filled with a bunch of guilt, shame, and fear pretty much caused me to doubt my every thought.
(04-08-2016, 09:06 AM)koshas Wrote: [ -> ] (03-31-2016, 11:12 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]This is a quick update because I felt I should mention it in case anyone else can relate to it when running this sub. A lot of the time the emotions I feel are felt in layers of intensity. For a while I've been stuck on the surface level, where it feels like it's all over my body. Sort of stuck in what I'm feeling and not moving beyond it. But lately when I go much deeper inside myself, don't really know how to describe it, I feel these small concentrated dense feelings throughout my body. The ones that are the most prominent are in my chest and my stomach. Occasionally I'll feel it in my throat as well. It's almost like getting to the source of those more surface level emotions I feel. It's also bringing awareness to how the real problem isn't the story tied to these feelings, it's just the energy of the feeling itself. It's like diving even deeper into my internal world.
I'm wondering if this is just areas of my body where the emotions are stored and I'm just starting to release them now. Sort of like getting a deep tissue massage and these are emotional knots of balled up energy.
Anyway it just made me realize how much deeper all this goes than where I was putting my attention at before. Words can't describe what these feelings are, but they are there. Just one of those things that's an experience that makes you realize language only touches the tip of what we feel as beings.
Believe it or not emotions,traumas etc. get stuck in the body. Doing yoga exercise,meditation and getting massages. Can help clear these things. As your running and clearing these things while using these subs.
I've read about this. I find it really interesting. E2 seems to take care of it a bit though. I've found after my usage of this sub that I've stopped making a habit of tensing up all the time.
I've been going through hell these past few days and not because of the sub. Apparently I can't even drink decaf coffee without getting nasty side effects. Coffee in general just messes me up bad. I have to find some alternative to drink in the morning. Caffeine free, I don't do well with caffeine either.
But there has been stuff popping up while running this sub that has got me kind of bothered. I've noticed when people express affection I feel this sense of guilt or something inside me. I have a really hard time accepting love directed towards me. For whatever reason I feel like I'm not good enough for that. I used to think it was just because I was unemployed and struggling to be on some kind of path. But even if I imagine myself on the right path achieving things and being self sufficient, I still feel like I'd have that closed off feeling when it comes to other people.
I feel there's nothing really I can do but just keep on listening to the sub and trying to heal whatever it is. There's probably a whole slew of things causing this, but I honestly wouldn't know where to begin. All I know is that forcing myself to accept love isn't really going to work. If anything it'll probably make me feel worse that I'm so closed off, so I'm just going to keep chipping away at this until something happens.
Also I feel like my perfectionism is slowly decreasing in intensity. I was watching a video of a producer in his studio and he was making some music. But he was just fiddling around with stuff and just doing whatever he wanted without really caring what happened. Pretty much entire genres of music were born out of just doing whatever you want without fear of consequences. At that point I realized just how ridiculous I was being with trying to always get everything right and worrying about doing things right. I was so paralyzed by doing things potentially wrong I just never seemed to actually progress at all. And what I'm really starting to realize is all that anxiety is far worse than actually doing something wrong. Simple life lesson, I know. But understanding that intellectually vs on an emotional level that actually allows you to feel that way are worlds apart.
All in all I feel like I'm starting to see patterns that point towards deeper things. And the surface level problems I encounter in my life are really just a symptom of stuff that's much deeper.
So I had another interview yesterday. Nothing major, just a local grocery store. I was hoping to work in the stock position. I was pretty much informed the only position they had open was cashier. So I told them yeah I was interested. Then they started going over the job requirements which basically entailed being an extroverted person towards the customers, which I'm not. Of course I lied telling them how great I am with customers and how outgoing I am. If I told them anything else they would have just canned my application. I've realized honesty isn't good in job interviews, or my honesty at least. I value being authentic more than coming across a certain way, but I've come to the harsh realization that the world operates in the exact opposite manner and I have to play the game.
Anyway, I'm fed up with having extroverted tendencies being pushed onto me as an introvert. I still struggle with this. I've lost track of the amount of times I've felt broken or defective for not fitting into some role that's tailored specifically for extroverts. After the interview I was just so drained and I felt bad because of that too. 1 interview and it's like my nerves were shot for the rest of the day. My anxiety still gets the best of me, physically. It's very taxing on my body. I've gotten really good at presenting myself in a confident manner over the years, but I'm sick of it. I just really want to be myself and stop feeling like I'm putting on a persona to get by in life. Maybe it's because I'm still struggling with depression a bit and I don't have the confidence yet to not feel under the obligation to be overly positive with people to mask that.
Today I was in the shower and I just felt the need to put out an intention into the universe to give me any other kind of opportunity besides cashiering. I actually am hoping I don't get the job because I don't think I'm at a point in my emotional healing journey where this type of stress will aid me in any way. Maybe one day, but for now the combination of the constant interaction with people and the demands of management to be more extroverted would probably wear me down.
If I'm being honest I'm not the friendliest person. I'm so preoccupied with my own life and getting things sorted out that at times I'm selfish as well. And having a lifelong struggle with anxiety I've realized I'm closed off a lot and when I meet new people it's less taking an interest in them and more worrying about protecting myself. There's a lot about me that I really don't like. But most of it is just a result of the struggles I've faced over the years. A lot of my flaws are apparent to me, but my strengths mostly go unnoticed.