So I finished AM6 over a week ago and went on holiday, still listened to stage 6 on and off, trying to reclaim a sense of warm fluffy self acceptance.
I thought i'd play around with NS4M and had some strange results, mainly with people being really unpleasant to me - which wasn't expected! Spending time with some Alphas I noticed they were all a bit condescending, making very subtle jabs at me, and trying to show that they were better than me which drover me up the wall, mainly because i felt it was partly true.
My sensitivity made me realise. I've got to go through this again.
In fairness I'd say didn't give AM6 a fair run. much of stages 2 3 and 4, i was on various drugs for depression etc. which can't have been good for my results.
Looking back over my posts, i'd say the times i was most hopeless were in no smal part down to the effects of the medication. This time i'm determined to see this through without. I'm also getting better at tapping on problems, staying calm enough to realise that when i feel terrible, this is probably a good thing because i have something to aim at.
Anyway I had my first night of Stage 1 last night, woke up today feeling calmer and more self assured than i had in a long time - perhaps since the last time i started.
I've noticed something that hits me. I can't stand the thought that women don't like/want me, and when they prefer another man over me it absolutely kills, but this isn't just about women, it also happens when anyone says anything i slightly find condescending - and i seem to get this alot from people, people talking to me like i've made a mistake or am being stupid when (honestly) I'm in the right, and then after when it's clear that i'm in the right, refusing to acknowledge it. it's like people refuse to see me as anything else but low status sometimes and will do anything to ignore evidence that proves otherwise.
on the otherside I know i have problems accepting my own worth. too much self deprication. my first run of am6 helped a little with this, but the results were inconsistent, with massive peaks followed by troughs in terms of self esteem.
I will find a way to tap on these and report back.
right now i'm just smarting after learning i wasn't invited to a party. how very petty. but for most of the day i've been positive. Working on a plan to fix my finances and get ALOT done by the end of this year.
ah and found a great app to let me monitor the number of days of AM6 use!
Anyway. Here we go again. Round two starting now!
Looking forward to your journal. At some future time I'll redo AM6 too. It's a great sub.
This will be interesting. I hope you get what you're after Darwin (I'm sure you will).
(08-08-2014, 06:09 AM)adam225 Wrote: [ -> ]This will be interesting. I hope you get what you're after Darwin (I'm sure you will).
Thanks guys, I have to say - that it's not all doom and gloom from the first run - i did make some real progress, considering i was coming from an extreme of depression, and really no hope and sense of self at all!
So i'm hoping that with some of these things more cleared out, and a removal of certain obstacles - this should be a much more productive run.
Hey man.
I liked your first journal and good luck with second run.
Btw what's the name of app?
Darwin, the need to "be right" stems from insecurity about being right. The smarting from not being invited to a party stems from insecurity about not being liked enough by others, popular enough, etc.
I know this because I used to have those too. Now, I don't. If I know I am right, and I have stated my case and the other party(ies) deny me, okay. Whatever. They're welcome to either believe what they believe, or prove me wrong. But shy of proving me wrong, WHO CARES!!! I can still believe what I believe is right, and it does not require their acceptance for it to be valid!
Likewise, don't invite me to a party? I won't even notice. Why? Because I am never without something interesting and/or important I can be doing, and very likely it's a lot more interesting and/or important than any party I might not get invited to.
Want to be alpha? Stop worrying about what others think, and start self validating. I'd wager that you were on those depression meds during AM6 because AM6 was forcing you to face a lot of deep fear about not being good enough. Keep going long enough with AM6, and you'll overcome it, just as I and many others have. Wise choice to run it again. Kudos.
I agree, Shannon - I get these stem from my insecurities, and what's more I might be starting to understand how the subs are working.
The events that I mentioned caused me pain - but I think I felt that I was being invited to not give a shit. to make a choice myself about following my own path and not worrying about others.
For instance, I was at a meeting, and I spoke up with my ideas about how we were going to approach a problem, some things I said were really useful and good, others not so much - I noticed someone slightly giggling to themselves after I asked a very basic question. I made the choice after to not care - to risk speaking my mind even if everyone thought I was retarded and I felt at this point that I was facing the question of being able to my self even at the risk of complete isolation and rejection from society.
I was challenged to assert this a few times yesterday, one, for instance a girl said she wanted to get dinner with me but kept me waiting while she spoke to friends I told her that either we leave soon or I'm going to make other plans, she agreed then kept me waiting again so I just walked away without saying a word and went on to have an awesome evening.
I did go out to dinner It was cool, I met a friend, the waitress spent ages talking to me, and practically sat down with us to just chill - then going to watch a movie, the woman serving icecream was laughing at everything I said and gave me like 3 scoops more than I'd asked for (my friend kept joking that he thought that she was in love with me - she was wasn't quite a looker, though)
an insight into resistance - I find it really hard to do things when I really want to do them. for instance I pile huge amounts of pressure on myself to get things done, but end up getting nothing done - and it occurred to me this morning that the more force I pile up to get something done, the more resistance I face.
This is why, in the past, I've always excelled at things I didn't give a shit about, there was less internal resistance because there was less force applied, and instead more flow.
I don't know how to explain that better - once I do i'll make a more detailed post about it. in the mean time I'm relaxing more in order to get more done with my life.
MJ1 - cheers bro, the app I use is called 'days since' from the apple store but there are multitude of apps doing a similar/the same thing so I'd recommend getting one. helps a lot.
I've also just started setting my timer off on my phone when I start listening to monitor how much I'm getting a day - otherwise I just listened at night and chalked that up as 8 hrs when really I often sleep just 6-7 hrs resulting in quite a few days without proper exposure - that's changed now though!
I've had 7 nights of exposure, averaging 9 hours a day.
This time around I'm noticing much more intense emotions. I went to very deep depression and anxiety about work , which I cleared with my feft coach (I had to call an emergency session it was so bad and frankly I find tapping with someone is so much easier)
Yesterday I honestly felt like I couldn't go on with the shame of underperforming at work...which sounds bad but was good actually. It made me get to that place where I've got to succeed on my own terms, it's something I resist a lot, the temptation to make it in the same way as everyone else is too strong.
That feeling is less strong right now, and my only fear is that I've got to get desperate to get there again.
Generally people seem more chatty with me. I noticed that my boss rather than talk to me about work at a meeting (where I honestly thought I was gonna get destroyed), just ended up having a long pleasant conversation with me about general stuff.
I also can't help but look in the mirror and thing - damn I look good!
(08-14-2014, 12:15 AM)Darwin Wrote: [ -> ]I also can't help but look in the mirror and thing - damn I look good!
Yeah, I've been getting that maybe since midway through stage 5.. sometimes before I go out I'll just quickly look to see if I'm about ok in the bathroom mirror.. and then I'll just burst out laughing and stop there for maybe 30s thinking "there's no fucking way I'm THAT good looking again, poor poor girls..."
I keep having recurring dreams about weak people in my life, and screwing them over - they attack me because they're so upset then I beat them and then somehow in my dream everyone starts crying.
Some very weird shit.
Also choosing to not give a fk is paying off, I guess supported by the subs it makes things easier. Someone who I used to find intimidating because they were so successful has zero impact on me now, I found out the other day they really didn't like me and it didn't have any effect. I got, for all intents and purposes, dumped by a girl, she just seemed to lose interest - at first it really hurt but then it just disappeared.
Just feeling super lazy, I think this might have something to do with alcohol , I get really weak and fuzzy headed after drinking, and it lasts for over a week each time, I need to commit to stopping since it lowers the quality of my life considerably - but I'm the moment it helps being social so much that it will be hard work being social without.
whoooaaa
depression this morning to hyper-not giving a shit this afternoon. i'm just not caring, i've sat at work today not doing anything - with zero worry. i'm just playing around, even asked a girl out who is going out with me now this weekend.
Can't seem to get myself to work. there's no payoff apart from not getting fired, and retaining a salary which is extraordinarily low for the level of qualification i have. planning needs to be done to move on up and out!
the next not giving a shit is not giving a shit about giving up working on stuff i don't want to work on and working on what i do want to work on. I won't say that i want to work on something i care about, i used to be idealistic, at this point in time i don't think i care about anything other than taking care of my family and myself. I don't have any noble life goal or all consuming purpose at the moment, having that would be ideal (at lest the all consuming purpose part) but for now i will settle upon finally getting my business under way and using my f*cking sh1t job as practice for banging out the nitty gritty tasks i have to do.
last night i went to a party - full of people much older than me, they used to intimidate me to the point where i'd just be silent in front of them - it's labouring a point and repeating what i've said but whatever it was good to notice that i was just doing what i wanted to do. i didn't even particularly want to talk to them because i don't find them interesting.
I'm looking forward to this date. it's bringing up a lot. Desire to please, to entertain, fear of intimacy, need to be liked again, wanting to close.
Just going to tap it all the hell out - goal is to just go 100% expectation and care free (I'll look to release that first)
The dreams i'm having are getting crazier. I had one about convincing an innocent person that they should give up on life because they'd done something wrong when it was really my fault - i woke up with the most awful guilt i've ever felt - hense the depression i guess. I don't know what my subconcious is trying to work through with dreams like this!
Passed 12 nights of listening
I simply haven't experienced anything this intense before. Along side tapping with my coach I'm
Plunging new, to be frank, terrible, depths and scaling new highs. It's mad to think tonight is my 13th night on this sub. Previously I would go through dark times on this but would not have the clarity to see them for what they were.
Women in my life are responding well to me. I'm pretty much indifferent. I'm
Becoming more content to be brutally myself, with my soul laid bare and my body relaxed. Ready to take whatever is to be thrown my way.
Guilt and shame appear to be the main drivers of the current depression hoping that they wil be cleared out , well knowing that they will be cleared out and I'll get to a next stage - I need to get better at clearing myself because getting help from a coach is proving expensive!
I can't even begin to explain the ways in which this motivates me to run AM6 again.
Now I'm regretting having started SM..