So I'm officially at the conclusion that - for me - adhd meds do not go well with subs. I was prescribed some and the last two days I felt myself just going back to square 1, a brief spurt of concentration soon followed by tiredness lethargy and general wierdness.
I had a meeting today and it went terribly. I was just silent the whole time, quiet because of anxiety. I walked out thinking damn I'm depressed. And f u c k I am.
But BUT. What's interesting at least is that for the first time in a long time I'm being constructive about it. Not being a di ck and ignoring it or just looking for an end to this pain through a change in state but looking rationally through the pain to see what I can do. The pain is good, this pain is an alert to the fact that there is something wrong and I'm having the balls to see that I'm responsible. I can do something about it.
Dark thoughts are still there a little but who cares. I think they will be there for a while I'm not taking them seriously - like a fly that buzzes in my ear
Noticed girls noticing me a little more, I'm not even interested, though I find myself checking them out a lot - like I see a girl and unapologetically just check her out. It occurred to me today that is quite happily just go talk to a girl and who would give a shit if she wasn't feeling it, I can back off.
Back to adhd meds - they make feft impossible because you just can't feel properly, probably explains my lack of success with pstec.
Don't know if I deleted that last post by mistake or natious did but anyway just wanted to say thanks man that was gold. For me the meds were not a long term solution. I'd rather go through hell the next few years running am6 repeatedly do I can live the rest of my life free and independent than go back on them for the quick boost in mental energy and clarity they bring.
I'm having more dreams , it's clear that deeper level fears are coming up, not being intelligent or quick is a big issue and had a dream that I was at a job interview and kept having to ask the interviewer to repeat the question because I couldn't understand and watching them become increasingly disapproving, disapproval is the real issue now that I write out my thoughts here. LTU killed that fast when I was using it - seems so long ago now but it's there and at a deep level. Has to go.
Girls are showing huge interest then flaking - happens a lot now. I'm also just straight noticing incredibly hot girls wherever I go. I mean super hot...SUPER hot.
I deleted it for a few reasons. I wrote it when I was drunk and found it so off topic when I woke up with information that you didn't ask for. I am glad that you got to read it if it helped you in any way, that was my intention
To think of it, it's a long time insecurity I've had. When I say something that normally people don't say, I tend to feel a whole lot of guilt and shame some time later. Hopefully AM6 will help me work on that.
I like your choice about the meds. It's been a long time belief of mine, especially seeing how people around me use them as "the golden double diamond coated secret life-changing pill" without ever looking deeper into the issue. My brother actually takes a strong headache pill BEFORE he goes out drinking so he wouldn't have a headache in the morning. There's so many other ways to relieve yourself from a headache, like with EFT for example.
About when you said you had to ask them to repeat the question. Is it something similar like, it's a normal question but you just aren't that present and connected with the environment that it's so difficult to understand what's going on? Usually that happens to me when I'm not really connecting with people and in my head a whole lot.
what add meds you on...I was on adderall for a year and went nowhere spinning my wheels..I felt like an amazing genius who was unstoppable but not much came out of it...the best part about it was hooking up with hot girls who like adderall lol, but that's not a reason for anything, hardest shit I ever did was getting off...WAY better for having done so
Got the same with methylphenidate - the worst part is that just before taking it I was already feeling the self regulation improving. I would come hope and be like man I wana chill and watch tv then immediately the thought would be 'nah son, do you wanna reach your goals or not?' And I'd go do what I have to do, gym, study, go out or whatever. I jumped on the meds thinking it would help the pace but far better results just with feft, subs and yoga.
Alcohol really kills progress as well for me, just hurts development and only do it because I can't get into a relaxed social state easily otherwise but that's just another opportunity for growth which I have to take.
@
Natious, man it's kind of like I'm listening to the world and it's complete nonsense. I'm not connected at all to it.
Recovery from my pharmacological adventure is almost complete and getting back on track. A little of the numbness remains though.
Big cause of laziness I have found is perfectionism. So concerned about 'getting it right' that I just block myself from doing anything then dining anything well results in in the opposite that I just relax and become disengaged again - a lose lose.
The value that comes here is surrendering completely to the process and giving up entirely on success. It won't happen because its always going to a mother level. To be some kind of billionaire, self confident leader, who is a hit with all women has an amazing family life, is contented and happy and of benefit to the world wouldn't be enough - as unlikely and impossible as that even seems right now. Evolution is and has got to continue through a finite life and then it will be over. So success in that sense is just a fallacy.
When I find myself anxious about performance now my question to myself is, why are you trying to succeed? If you're trying to get an out come and are anxious about not attaining it are you really surrendered to the process?
This has invited a sense of I must just relax, the vision and the goal is there just to move me in the direction of growth as a man, every action should be toward that end otherwise it's just falling down on this core value / getting caught up in a foolish fallacy again.
That's all. Nothing otherwise to report.
Success is also making a difference. Maybe do some spiritual searching? do you meditate?
Success is results. Progressive realization of your planned goal is results and that means success.
You lose? It is still a success, you've learnt something new.
You win? It is still a success, you've know how to do it right so do it again.
Humans these days ALWAYS associate success with positive results and because of that humans always sought foe the magic pill to just win.
What's the fun in it? Failure is a big filter that God use to pick human that are capable of ruling the world.
Thanks to that, rulers are few and have immense influence ability.
Results dissappear though. I think basically I'm looking for a paradigm which isn't static like a result. You achieve a result and then what? I got laid, I can get any girl I want, I have a relationship, kids, a raise, I'm a billionaire, I'm making a difference maybe a few people have a better life because of me - oops now I'm dead.
I don't want to over egg this and write a boring post, but it strikes me that evolution might form some of the answer to this.
Anyway on the girls front. This morning on the train a seriously hot girl was staring at me. She was stupidly hot. I decided there must be some confusion and looked away, then back, still looking. Honestly couldn't figure it out, this girl.... I mean damn... Then she gets up and is at the door and still turns around to look back at me.
One of two options, either there was something on my face or she wanted the d. I still can't believe it so 80% of me thinks the former..
(09-02-2014, 09:16 AM)Darwin Wrote: [ -> ]Results dissappear though. I think basically I'm looking for a paradigm which isn't static like a result. You achieve a result and then what? I got laid, I can get any girl I want, I have a relationship, kids, a raise, I'm a billionaire, I'm making a difference maybe a few people have a better life because of me - oops now I'm dead.
I don't want to over egg this and write a boring post, but it strikes me that evolution might form some of the answer to this.
Anyway on the girls front. This morning on the train a seriously hot girl was staring at me. She was stupidly hot. I decided there must be some confusion and looked away, then back, still looking. Honestly couldn't figure it out, this girl.... I mean damn... Then she gets up and is at the door and still turns around to look back at me.
One of two options, either there was something on my face or she wanted the d. I still can't believe it so 80% of me thinks the former..
She wanted the dick from you!
So 31 nights since I started again and 29 nights exposure.
Dreams are crazy, 2 nights ago I fell asleep without even turning on the sub because I was destroyed from work. I kept dipping in and out of intense dreams of being chased and being in dangerous situations. Parts were lucid and I marvelled at how my mind had taken tiny elements from my life and had constructed this intricate and vivid theatre.
Progress has been stunted, or at least less obvious since I took my adhd meds.
I'm still learning more and more.
I note a few things that I will work to clear now
I was stuck on feelings for this girl, treating her poorly, liking her but resenting that I liked her and it would be so easy for her to be flippant with that emotion, to not place any real value on it.
At work I'm so afraid of doing things wrong or being thought stupid that I rush and don't allow my mind a chance to catch up, so I make stupid mistakes and look foolish.
I can't focus because my mind is drawn off by emotional needs. Largely to do with validation from women or people, external validation is still quite strong.
Used pstech for the first time properly on Saturday , not sure what I was even clearing because I couldn't feel a lot but had tears pouring out my eyes and a runny nose after 10 mins. Most odd!
Some pleasant instances of things turning up when I need them, personal trainer is talking to me a lot about the business I'm trying to get going with other people calling me up out of the blue to invite me to things which would also be beneficial for this.
Ok so this marks the last day i'm going to do stage 1.
I think my journal so far shows whats happened so i won't bother with a summary. i will say what's been happening the last week or so. it's been more intense emotions, this time in what can only be described as my heart chakra. like literally have been lying around on the verge of crying over a girl i didn't even like all that much.
Obviously this isn't because of the girl and there are deeper underlying issues (I killed it with the girl and pushed her away for fear of getting hurt, she kind of hates me now because she was really into me before lol). I don't even know that the sub is creating these feelings. What i do find the sub is helping me to do is to face the pain head on and not lie to myself about it. and god the feeling of getting through it is amazing. have i said it before? probably, i can't be bothered to read up, but i look forward to more resistance, more pain and getting through it to get more wisdom and closer to a natural self.
I would love to match the guys on this forums progress on releasing. i can't seem to get the hang of any of these methods without a coach. I might look into setting up some kind of tapping mastermind in my area through meetup or something, to find people who are wililng to work through it together, alone my efforts seem untargeted.
erm what else. ah ok, yes so I'm going harder and pushing harder at the gym, at work, etc. I'm hitting up an RSD seminar/free tour this weekend - i just like their attitude to self development, to facing pain, and having a fatal devotion to your lifes purpose.