Hi, all. I've posted details about me in the introduction forum, so now I'll just go on full-blast. This
My girlfriend broke up with me in September and had a difficult time coping with it. Compared to the last breakup with the previous girlfriend, this one was a breeze to go through.
The first month was quite breezy. I didn't feel any pain whatsoever, just slightly sad, but I managed to overcome it quite easily. I kept a journal that helped me a lot.
The second month got worse, as I sent 2 letters ( she replied to the first one and the second one was more like copy paste from the diary above ) and explained in full detail why she decided we broke up, which I am extremely grateful that she did. In hindsight, I think it was a good thing to do ( had my point of view heard with nothing held back, but kind of selfish of me. I'm sort of in between with this.
The third month was more tame than the other, but tougher on some more aspects. I've decided that I cannot and will not tolerate myself like how I was in the previous relationships and that I'm supremely not interested in having my heart broken again. So I've picked up a few books and a few programs to work with myself and I've sort of been in conflict with myself.
Read Robert Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" about 3-4 times and did the exercises ( not all ). Read "Love Yourself" by Larry Levine ( inspiring book ) Went through Carlos Xuma's "Ultimate Inner Game" and "Alpha Masculinity" briefly, did Hypnotica's "Sphinx Of Imagination", "The Attractor Factor" and "Metamorphosis" religiously. And now I'm on the BIATBW, ten days in.
During this time, I've discovered bad stuff about myself that I thought I fixed and some bad stuff that I didn't even know it existed. I was blamed by my recent ex that I was selfish, that I didn't treat her right, that I didn't call her sweet names and stuff and that I hurt her a lot. she also said that I was emotionally unavailable to her, lacked intimacy with her, hurt her with my jokes. Pretty much exactly what Robert Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" said about the nice guy.
I've pinpointed in time the exact events that caused my previous bad behavior towards girlfriends.
- I was sexually egotistic because I had a 4 year relationship in high school with a girl that did not put out the entire time. Most of what we've had was extremely heavy petting. And since I confronted her about this, she kept her position that she was scared of being hurt by the "uncorking" process, while I just chased other girls around for sex and sought sexual gratification...didn't got my way with them, though, because of guilt that I might hurt her. i was afraid of my sexual desires. i was afraid i;d force her into doing something she doesn't really want. It was my mistake since I should;ve ended it way before that. From now on I shall emotionally connect with my partner in bed, feeling deeply connected as we look into eachother's eyes and carress eachother. And truly appreciate the intimate moment we have.
- I became emotionally unavailable because of a girl that i was in college with during the time I was with said 4-year relationship girl. After i broke up with the LTR girl, I dated this other one, who broke up with me two months later. Suffered a 6 month heartbreak. I though I'd fixed this up, but 3 years later, I dated a redhead for a year and 3 months and she cheated on me. This breakup brought the worst pain imaginable for me. this breakup in itself cemented the emotionally unavailable me and was afraid of exposing myself again for fear of hurt.
- I behaved like i behaved with this recent ex because I hadn't resolved my past issues and that I've compared this relationship with the 4 year old one in terms of how we get along ( the sex was a-plenty, this time around ). And it was bad because, as I've recently reveled to myself, the 4-year-old relationship was a bad relationship to start with. from now on, i am completely and openly available to my loving partner, exposing both my good side and the bad side, so as we can have true bonding and intimacy. i am free of fear of "being found out" i can fully expose myself now. whatever it is, i truly can be exposed and expose myself i shall.
- I have discovered why I was lacking appreciation and lack of lovingness. The LTR girl again. And my parents too. It was a non-fulfilling relationship with her. We weren't "cute" with each other and I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I paralleled all that followed with the 4 yo relationship. And it was a disaster. She didn't appreciate what I had to offer in terms of band stuff ( I had a band at that time ). she didn't want to come to concerts at all. she wasn't supportive. she even told me that once in a not-so-serious talk turned dead-serious that if I'd paralyzed from the neck down she would dump me. And I've mistaken my continuing the relationship with losing her but in reality it was fear of not finding anyone better. turns out it wasn't the case, because I did. And my parents...well they weren't/aren't openly affective to one another and again I thought that is what it's supposed to be like. to them it works. to me, it doesn't. from now on I will fully appreciate my partner when she does something good. fully and wholeheartedly.
Now, with the BIATBW.
So far, I'm 10 days in. Before I started this, there was a certain feeling in my head, like it was something...stuck, there. And it was almost an actual physical sensation. And it was related to this recent ex ( hereinafter known as D. ). I was obviously not completely over D., since I still wanted her back. With the help of this particular sub, I was able to get over her. Sure, D. still pops up in my mind, but it's far, far, far less often now, very few times a day. The hurt is gone, the anger is gone, the longing is gone.
And I actually have times when I'm kind of "meh" about getting back together with her. I did ask her about having a little get-together. She said she can't give me an answer now. I just was and am really glad that it wasn't a flat-out "no". And about the times I feel "meh", it's not that I don't want to, but I dream ( as in sleep-dream ) of other girls, fantasize about other girls. And get really, really excited over meeting new girls. At the time, I'm not seeing anyone. But today I did see three girls checking me out. At work, there's a chick that digs me, but I don't like her that way.
So it's all looking good. The thing is that I didn't deliberately looked for the results, so the results from today are all I have.
going to come back to post some more. Probably once every few days.
Day 11
The day started off pretty bad. I felt down for a few hours in the morning but managed to pick myself up. I feel I'm the master of my feelings, being in control of my feelings more and more and be able to diffuse them when they come up.
Towards the end of the day, I took a bath and started to get angry at two of my exes. I started questioning my anger ( as in "why are you mad at HER for?" ). The thing is that I know I shouldn't be angry at anyone, even myself. I accept what has happened over these past years, I take responsibility for them. As I took responsibility for them, initially, I felt burdened or felt that I'm a bad person, but I realized that everybody makes mistakes, big or small, so really it's just a matter of accepting the fact that by making mistakes, one is not bad.
Every kick in the butt is a step forward.
But the rest of the day I felt quite at peace. I watched some movies while running the program. The current ex no longer bugs me like it did a few weeks ago. I dreamed of some other girl last night. Like every night, I dream of a different girl every night. I usually have vivid dreams, but not as often as I have since I started BIATBW.
When it comes to what feelings I have now, I feel like I don't have to "lift a finger" to get attraction. I feel pretty steady and rooted, somewhat poised ( I do have a posture problem, a fairly small one, though ). I feel I'm moving a little bit slower, with a sense of direction.
As I've mentioned before, I'm not looking for results specifically. If I happen to notice them, great, but not actively looking. The only thing I'm actually looking for is how I feel, how am I now in the present.
Day 12
Today is Christmas, so it's less of the subs for me. I usually listen to them on headphones from my laptop. I exclusively listened to the Ocean and Trickling Stream, but now I have to listen to the ultrasonics
Quick question to Shannon or anybody experimented enough with this. I've read in the instructions that you can listen to the ultrasonic sub whilst you listen to music and/or movies and all the like. But is it OK if I listen to the ultrasonics on my laptop speakers? The volume is well-adjusted and I can't hear a high pitched noise/distortion whilst watching a movie. But I can hear it when I get super-close to the speakers.
On with the journal. The whole day was pretty OK, except for the fact that I've sent my ex a Merry Christmas text but she didn't answer yet. And it bummed me out, but I've been able to pick myself up from it. Overall it was a pretty nice day, feelings-wise. I don't feel that "presence" anymore and am able to be present.
I feel pretty great now. Waiting for the other days to come.
Day 13 & 14
Yesterday went surprisingly well. Nothing major to report, just that I constantly think about new situations where I encounter girls ( especially blondes ) and play a movie in my head about how this is going. The ex has been almost completely shut out, except that today I got angry for about a half an hour.
I have a "very special" talent of having scenarios and pissing myself off with them. I imagined I had a..."argument" is too much, more like "making my voice heard". And I said to her that "it was as much your fault as it was mine" and that "think about what you are accusing me and see if you find yourself in what you criticized about me". This whole thing was generated because of a revelation that I had ( well, read somewhere else, tbh, but it ranged so true to me ). What follows is what I've read ( first 2 sentences ) plus my own ramblings about it.
Love isn't about you, it's about the other. You don't get into a relationship to make yourself happy, you get into a relationship because you want to make the other happy. In order to make others happy in a healthy way, you must be happy with yourself. In order to be loved, you must BE loved by yourself : accept yourself like you are now, forgive yourself for screw-ups and mishaps ( big or small ), respect yourself and treat yourself right FIRST AND FOREMOST. Be altruistically selfish. Take care of yourself first and then you can take care of others the healthy way.
Have to have an update. though it isn't related to the situation, I feel I should post this.
So tonight I had a talk with my parents. I'm currently having very big trouble with them in regards to my working place and my relationships. I've made a very bad decision relocating to another town for work. The thing that bothers me is that my parents think I've solely moved for my ex ( when we were together ). But the thing is that I don't know what to think anymore. My parents have a strong influence in my life up until now. They have crap to say about every single girlfriend that I had. And that makes me think a lot. They say that I've let myself be "gamed" by all of my ex-girlfriends. And I don't believe them. Sure, the very first long term relationship I had did SOME of those things. Maybe both parties are biased in this. I know for certain that my very first did some of those things, but the rest was purely my mistake.
They keep jamming down my throat that "if you're not rich or <<have money>> you're shit" type of thing. I know it's not true. Furthermore, I know certain people that are very rich and can't date to save their lives. True, money does help, no doubt. How much, that depends on each perspective. They believe money drives confidence. Somewhat true, but that's not true confidence. If you have true confidence, money comes to you. Like women.
The thing is I don't want to fight them with my beliefs, money-wise or women-wise because it'll get me nowhere. They'll stick to their guns, I'll stick to my guns, albeit silently.
And I really, truly, madly, deeply think that there's more to the "not liking any of my girlfriends" thing than it is at the surface. I don't really know what it is for certain, I was ready to write that they want me to be dependent on them on a certain level. To them, I'm still their little boy. And that bothers me so much. I feel that I need constant approval on big matters, like work and starting my own business.
And that's really awful, because I'm 27. And I feel that every big decision of my life has been taken care for me by them. To them, I'm still the little prince that should be pampered and be placed on a cloud of safety or some sort. And I don't want that. I need to face life full on and head on. I need to make my own mistakes, even though I should learn from others' too. I need to own both my good and bad decisions, not handed to me on a silver platter. This is not the life I want. Sure, they have all the good intentions in the world, but this has got to stop. This is why I left to work in another city in the first place.
Life is not about making the best decisions all the time, it doesn't work this way. The failures make you the man you want to be. Of course, successes are equally important, but they can be very deceiving too. Failure never deceives you. It's as "in your face" as possible. And it's important what you learn from your failures, too. And not take them and attach them to you as your identity. That was my mistake. And it's not necessary the failures that shape you either, it's what importance you attach to them and what you can take from them that's powerful. Sure, one perceived "huge failure" can shake your world from it's deep roots and affect you so much that you remain cripple, but even those are beneficial if you know what to extract from them and if you move on from them.
I want to own my OWN failures, my OWN successes, my OWN decisions. And I will do just that.
Day 15
Ran the ultrasonic at night, this time. It was the first time I did so. First thing I've noticed was that I couldn't sleep too much last night, had only about 5 hours of sleep. But I did play the ultrasonic for at least 9 hours. Figured it was the ultrasonic as well, since I did had a milestone of a night last night with the discussion with my parents above.
I felt I want to love someone last night. I felt it so much I started crying over a scenario in my head about having a talk with an "imaginary" girlfriend. I told "her" I want to make her happy and that I'm genuinely afraid of what will be of all this because I'd feel judged. And that I felt so much of a pressure of doing the right thing that it's a burden. And I don't want that. I know I can't make the right thing every single time and that it's unrealistic of me to expect that from myself. I'm but a human being and I have a personality of my own. And that if she feels that I'm holding something back ( intimacy-related ) she should pry my head and my heart and my soul open, because I'd be OK with that.
(12-28-2013, 03:28 AM)baftis Wrote: [ -> ]I felt I want to love someone last night. I felt it so much I started crying over a scenario in my head about having a talk with an "imaginary" girlfriend. I told "her" I want to make her happy and that I'm genuinely afraid of what will be of all this because I'd feel judged. And that I felt so much of a pressure of doing the right thing that it's a burden. And I don't want that. I know I can't make the right thing every single time and that it's unrealistic of me to expect that from myself. I'm but a human being and I have a personality of my own. And that if she feels that I'm holding something back ( intimacy-related ) she should pry my head and my heart and my soul open, because I'd be OK with that.
I think that's awesome, crying is usually a sign of emotional release, and thus, progress.
Yeah, I read somewhere about a Jewish saying : what soap does for your body, tears do the same thing to the soul. That's very deep.
Day 16
Today I went out with a bunch of friends. I noticed when I interacted with girls that I'm very touchy feely now. Even if it's with a girl buddy, I'm very touchy feely. I guess it's because now I feel better about my sexuality and about my sexual image as a man. I wasn't like that before. Not so much, anyway. sure, you can't count the times when you're in a relationship.
And also, my jokes were sexual before, but now there are many more and really comfortable with getting a little more frisky, even with girls I haven't seen a long time or . Sometimes I go overboard but I don't feel like that during the conversation.
During down times, I did think about the ex, since I intend on contacting her tomorrow. And gotten a little in my head.
We'll see what happens tomorrow.
Haha that's good Baftis, how do women respond to your sexual image combined with being touchy feely? They say people that talk about sex the most have the most sex. That's an awesome state I can relate to, having an energy that is welcoming and seductive but conversation is directed towards imtimacy/ sex. You might want to try clearing any unwanted feelings to make your encounter with the ex better.
Thanks
Fonzy
It really depends on the girl. Most of the time they respond in kind and really great, but sometimes they do feel uncomfortable. Although none of them objected to my spanking.
And thanks for the advice, Fonz, I'll remember that.
Day 17
Today I spent the whole day in my house. Listening to the silent sub and David DeAngelo's Man Transformation program. I really like this program, had many "aha" moments listening to it. It's very profound and almost abstract.
I was inspired by Dee to create a plan for myself. Not as complex as his, but it does concern changing myself into the high quality man that I want to be. As I said on his journal, I deeply admire his dedication to totally transform himself into the person he wants to be. And I realized that I need a plan also. I can't go on improving myself if I just go with the flow and acting out of instinct or on impulse, I need a clear plan for my self-creation while at the same time leaving life to unfold itself to me.
Having said that, I deeply thank him for the inspiration he gave me.
What I want to get out of this plan is pretty obvious : to create the me that I want and admire. At the same time, I feel compelled to abstain myself from going Gung-Ho with all this. I do not want to become an information junkie and keeping things on the "I know this" level, instead I deeply and profoundly want to better myself actively and make the teachings integrated within me. This is the reason I decided to stick to just a few programs, books and techniques.
The reason that I decided to better myself on a full-scale level is because the personality traits I have now and/or had in the past ( pre-September 2013 ) do not serve me well anymore. They've hurt me, they've hurt others, especially loved ones. And I do not intend on being that same person anymore. I think if this had been happening a few years ago, I would've hated myself for it, but I'm not. Quite the contrary, I accept myself for what I did to me and to others and most importantly forgive myself.
I'm on my 2nd personality revision.
The first version ( from birth until age 23 ) was pretty much the same throughout ( except from a period when I was 20 - 23, where I discovered the PUA community, that was basically an upgrade, a version 1.5 )
The second version was from from age 23 to 27. I've built that me on shaky foundations, which now have collapsed under their own weight. And I'm extremely thankful for that.
I don't want to sound like those people with New Year's Resolutions stuff, but this plan goes in effect on January 1st 2014, even though I'm currently running the sub and doing some of the programs. Figure I might get a head start.
Physical Plan
1) P90X - 90 Days
2) P90X2 - 90 Days
3) P90X3 - 90 Days
Total : 270 days ( 9 months )
Mental Plan
1) Charles Haanel - The Master Key System - 6 months
2) Maxwell Maltz - Psycho-Cybernetics
3) Phenomenal Memory 2.0
Subliminal Plan
1) Be Irresistibly Attractive To Beautiful Women 8.0 - 90 days
2) Absolute Self-Confidence - 90 days
3) Alpha Male 6.0 - 6 months
Total : 12 months
Masculinity Development Plan
Carlos Xuma - Alpha Male Masculinity
Carlos Xuma - Ultimate Inner Game
David DeAngelo - Man Transformation
John Alexander - How To Become An Alpha Male
Emotional Garbage Removal Plan
Larry Crane - Love Yourself
Sedona Method Releasing Technique + Ho'oponopono + Personal & Self-Evolution Diary
Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy
Compelling Personality Development Plan
John Bridges - How To Be A Gentleman
Edmund Shaftesbury - Instantaneous Personal Magnetism
Daniel Goleman - Emotional Intelligence
Leo Buscaglia - Love
Anthony Robbins - Create Lasting Change - 10 days
Dating & Relationships Plan
Lucas West - Demonic Confidence - 21 days
Andy Yosha & Yad - Daygame Blueprint
David DeAngelo - Becoming Mr. Right
Mark Manson - Models
Discipline Building
Brian Tracy - No Excuses
Theodore Bryant - Self-Discipline In 10 Days
This is not a definitive plan yet. Except for the Physical, Mental, Subliminal, Masculinity and all relationships programs and books, all others are subject to change or are secondary. The reason that those categories are fixed is because I intend to start with them.
Day 18
Did the same thing as yesterday. Updated my plan to this :
NON-NEGOTIABLE ELEMENTS :
Physical Plan
P90X - 90 Days
P90X2 - 90 Days
P90X3 - 90 Days
Emotional Garbage Removal Plan
Larry Crane - Love Yourself
Sedona Method Releasing Technique + Personal & Self-Evolution Diary + Ho'oponopono Healing Technique
Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy
Subliminal Plan
Be Irresistibly Attractive To Beautiful Women 8.0 - 90 days
Absolute Self-Confidence - 90 days
Alpha Male 6.0 - 6 months
Masculinity Development Plan
Carlos Xuma - Alpha Male Masculinity
Carlos Xuma - Ultimate Inner Game
David DeAngelo - Man Transformation
John Alexander - How To Become The Alpha Male
Self-Discipline Plan
Brian Tracy - No Excuses
Theodore Bryant - Self-Discipline In 10 Days
Dating Plan
Lucas West - Demonic Confidence
Andy Yosha & Yad - Daygame Blueprint
Mark Manson - Models
Be Way Better At Relationships Plan
David DeAngelo - Becoming Mr. Right
Carlos Xuma - Girlfriend Training Program
Anthony Robbins - The Ultimate Relationship Program
Have A Better And More Fulfilled Sex Life Plan
Daniel Rose - Sex God Method
Alex Allman - Revolutionary Sex
Jason Julius - Female Orgasm Blueprint
BONUS : Create my "code of honor".
Addiction Removal Checklist
Stop Smoking
Stop Compulsive Masturbation
Stop Procrastinating
NEGOTIABLE ELEMENTS :
Mental Plan
Charles Haanel - The Master Key System - 6 months
Maxwell Maltz - Psycho-Cybernetics
Phenomenal Memory 2.0
Personality Development Plan
John Bridges - How To Be A Gentleman
Edmund Shaftesbury - Instantaneous Personal Magnetism
Daniel Goleman - Emotional Intelligence
Spiritual Development
Eckhart Tolle - The Power Of Now
Eckhart Tolle - Practicing The Power Of Now
Day 19
Preparations for New Year's Eve are ongoing as we speak. However, I'm determined to go with the sub and the Man Transformation program nevertheless.
Today marks the day that I've invited my ex for a cup of coffee. We'll see how this goes. I admit, I was terrified of writing her. I couldn't call because I was so scared of hearing her voice, I thought my voice would tremble and make a fool of myself. So I asked her on Facebook.
I cleared all of my negativity out last night. I had some anger left inside that I suppressed, but I cleared it out in writing. I wrote everything I felt she had to hear and I had to say. At first I was pissed off, but as I slowly progressed through all the details that I haven't said to her, I felt more at ease and relaxed. Then did some FasterEFT. All the interactions in my head with her are now positive.
I don't know why I felt scared. It's not like I haven't talked to her before. In retrospect, I think I should've faced my fear and called her anyway, but the fear was almost crippling. OK, now I'm exaggerating, but I never felt like this in front of a girl. I did call most of my ex's, but this is the first time I texted one on Facebook. Maybe it's because of a fear of rejection. Yeah, that's it.
The thing is that I never put her on a pedestal. Most of the time I did it my way in the relationship. Maybe it's normal to feel like this?
Anyway, I feel much better now that I've send her the invitation. I want to have the "whether she accepts it or not, I'll be just fine", but the truth is that if she accepts, I'll be super happy, no doubt. I don't know how I'd react if she refuses. I think I'd probably be sad for a day or two, but I'll recover easily, since running this sub made me forget about her almost completely...at the very least, I have been able to think just a few times a day about this without any emotion attached to her/the situation.
I did asked her once before Christmas ( two weeks ago, or something like that ), but she said that she couldn't give me an answer now and that we'll talk about it after Christmas. Again I say this, I was glad and happy it wasn't a flat-out "no".
Maybe I'm in my head a lot now, but I'm starting to bring myself up, maintain my poise and just go with it. I am able to be in the now.
The thing is, at a conscious level, if she doesn't want to see me, I know that I'll be happy with another girl, the girl of my dreams. This is not the first break-up I've been through and certainly not the worst. I visualized and dreamed about a blonde, hot and nerdy girl basically every night since I've used this sub...well almost every night, other nights I dreamed about brunettes with short hair. I don't know why, brunettes were never my thing, especially short-haired ones. But I like the idea of it, quite a lot actually. It sends a tingle in my stomach that I enjoy a lot.
Also, I'm excited about the idea of meeting new girls. I visualize myself almost every night approaching girls in bars and sometimes on the street, hitting it off and imagine myself very intimate with them ( not sex related, just me laying out my vulnerabilities in front of them ). And it's truly a great feeling. Sometimes it's better than actually getting back with my ex, so that's very nice.
Also, when I think about my ex, I feel detached emotionally, except from last night and now, and that's mostly a fear of rejection. It has nothing to do with her being the only person in the world that can make me happy, because I've realized that it should be the other way around. I shouldn't get into a relationship to make myself happy, but to make the other person happy. In order for that to happen, I should make myself happy first and foremost. And love myself just as I am now.
Relationships are not about you, it's about them, your partner.
Anyway, Happy New Year for all of you fine folks here. I wish you all a much, much better year than 2013 and may you find all that you seek.