01-03-2014, 02:44 PM
01-04-2014, 03:18 PM
Day 23
Well, now, some more results. I noticed that the second I talk to a girl, I get into the "It's On" mode. I feel like teasing and having fun and just busting balls.
There was this girl, she posted on my Facebook status and immediately went into ball-busting mode. The thing is she started the teasing. And we went on and on for like an hour ( on and off, I was visiting my relatives, so not much time for her ). And after the status conversation, she messaged me. Keep in mind, I've seen her about once or twice in real life and talked once on Facebook. But nothing like the conversation we had today, she even got cocky with me. I said to her that I liked a girl with an attitude and she said "of course you do" and then sent me a private facebook message. We didn't talk almost at all because my phone died, so that's that.
Again, I like where this sub is going with me.
Also, after I got home, I had a very weird feeling. There was this song on TV, don't know the song's name, but the artist was Sophie Ellis Bextor or something like that. And I had this extremely weird feeling of being in love with somebody but I don't know who. I felt a new energy in my body that wasn't mine or anyone else I know. And it was very warm and very pleasant.
Well, now, some more results. I noticed that the second I talk to a girl, I get into the "It's On" mode. I feel like teasing and having fun and just busting balls.
There was this girl, she posted on my Facebook status and immediately went into ball-busting mode. The thing is she started the teasing. And we went on and on for like an hour ( on and off, I was visiting my relatives, so not much time for her ). And after the status conversation, she messaged me. Keep in mind, I've seen her about once or twice in real life and talked once on Facebook. But nothing like the conversation we had today, she even got cocky with me. I said to her that I liked a girl with an attitude and she said "of course you do" and then sent me a private facebook message. We didn't talk almost at all because my phone died, so that's that.
Again, I like where this sub is going with me.
Also, after I got home, I had a very weird feeling. There was this song on TV, don't know the song's name, but the artist was Sophie Ellis Bextor or something like that. And I had this extremely weird feeling of being in love with somebody but I don't know who. I felt a new energy in my body that wasn't mine or anyone else I know. And it was very warm and very pleasant.
01-04-2014, 06:03 PM
A little note to add.
Quite a while after I wrote the journal entry, I felt tense, frustrated and sad. I've realized how many of the "don'ts" of dating and relationships I did my whole life. And basically it stemmed from the Man Transformation program. At one point, David DeAngelo says that in some part of the female mind, she secretly wants us to die for her. This came in the context of "Alpha Male protecting their loved ones". Out of all the things that have been postulated in the relationship advice, this one hurt me the most. It hurt me in the sense that...well, it gets a little complicated.
In the same program mentioned above, David D says that it's important for us to realize the humongous importance of "female peer pressure" and social conditioning/programming and how overwhelming it is for females. Putting into account how guys ( and women amongst themselves too ) perceive them if they put out, if they don't put out, the hormone-gone-awry thing during ovulation and so on and soforth.
But isn't it overwhelming to guys too just that fact alone???? That women secretly and subconsciously need to know if we males are willing to die for them? Sure, I am conscious that it can be as subtle as standing up for her when, for example, she gets the wrong thing she ordered at a bar while on a date with a guy and the guy stands up for her and say "that's not what the lady ordered" or just being on the phone with her while she walks in a place where there are stray dogs walking around. But the way it's been formulated...well, it's overwhelming for me. And it scares me a bit ( this is hard for me to admit, btw ).
It's not that I'm afraid of death and/or dying, I've stared death in the face and lived to tell the story. I had a car accident 11 years ago. While coming from my birthday, on the crosswalk, a Jeep threw me into another car, exactly like Brad Pitt's character in Meet Joe Black. At that moment, I felt what it's like to be dead : it's blank. It's black. And it's painless. At that moment, my life didn't flash before my eyes, didn't felt anything, didn't see anything. Just pure blackness, nothingness and no pain.
I can say that I can safely embrace death without any fear of pain whatsoever. In the minds of men, I think they are just afraid of the build-up of the moment it comes, of what is or what isn't there, not afraid of death per se. Can't say exactly that I'd feel the same if I knew I'd be executed or have a gun at my head or literally being tortured/maimed to death. But I do know that death in and of itself is painless. And it's pitch black. Quite frankly, I'm OK with that. I mean, seriously, can you be afraid of something black and nothingless? What is beyond that point, it's none of my concern.
I always felt somewhat pitiful towards a man that will give his life to a girl. Because I've played scenarios in my head when broken up with certain long term girlfriends that convey just that : that I'd jump in front of a car to save her, that I'd take a bullet for her or that I'd confront a bear/tiger and kill it with my bare hands. Keep in mind, this happens ONLY when a long-term girlfriend breaks up with me. Certainly it's the loss that triggers this type of thing in my head. But why only then? Why not when I'm together with her? The curious thing is that they sense these things. It's like magic.
I feel I am on the verge of a breakthrough here.
Maybe I'm actually afraid of being that attached to someone. So I'm afraid to become "so attached that I can just throw myself in a blink of an eye in front of a truck to save her", BECAUSE I've experienced that accident?
So I'm frustrated of this whole thing BECAUSE I know that it's a big nothingness and painless??? HUH??? It doesn't make sense!! Oh, wait... it's because I know how it feels like, I've experienced it and know what I've experienced. Oh. My. God.
But wait, it still doesn't make complete sense. If this is it, then why am I now mindlessly doing crazy stuff and be completely reckless??? Because I know it's not a thrill anymore? Could this be it?
God....What. A. Realization. I can't believe how deep the rabbit hole went. My God...
Quite a while after I wrote the journal entry, I felt tense, frustrated and sad. I've realized how many of the "don'ts" of dating and relationships I did my whole life. And basically it stemmed from the Man Transformation program. At one point, David DeAngelo says that in some part of the female mind, she secretly wants us to die for her. This came in the context of "Alpha Male protecting their loved ones". Out of all the things that have been postulated in the relationship advice, this one hurt me the most. It hurt me in the sense that...well, it gets a little complicated.
In the same program mentioned above, David D says that it's important for us to realize the humongous importance of "female peer pressure" and social conditioning/programming and how overwhelming it is for females. Putting into account how guys ( and women amongst themselves too ) perceive them if they put out, if they don't put out, the hormone-gone-awry thing during ovulation and so on and soforth.
But isn't it overwhelming to guys too just that fact alone???? That women secretly and subconsciously need to know if we males are willing to die for them? Sure, I am conscious that it can be as subtle as standing up for her when, for example, she gets the wrong thing she ordered at a bar while on a date with a guy and the guy stands up for her and say "that's not what the lady ordered" or just being on the phone with her while she walks in a place where there are stray dogs walking around. But the way it's been formulated...well, it's overwhelming for me. And it scares me a bit ( this is hard for me to admit, btw ).
It's not that I'm afraid of death and/or dying, I've stared death in the face and lived to tell the story. I had a car accident 11 years ago. While coming from my birthday, on the crosswalk, a Jeep threw me into another car, exactly like Brad Pitt's character in Meet Joe Black. At that moment, I felt what it's like to be dead : it's blank. It's black. And it's painless. At that moment, my life didn't flash before my eyes, didn't felt anything, didn't see anything. Just pure blackness, nothingness and no pain.
I can say that I can safely embrace death without any fear of pain whatsoever. In the minds of men, I think they are just afraid of the build-up of the moment it comes, of what is or what isn't there, not afraid of death per se. Can't say exactly that I'd feel the same if I knew I'd be executed or have a gun at my head or literally being tortured/maimed to death. But I do know that death in and of itself is painless. And it's pitch black. Quite frankly, I'm OK with that. I mean, seriously, can you be afraid of something black and nothingless? What is beyond that point, it's none of my concern.
I always felt somewhat pitiful towards a man that will give his life to a girl. Because I've played scenarios in my head when broken up with certain long term girlfriends that convey just that : that I'd jump in front of a car to save her, that I'd take a bullet for her or that I'd confront a bear/tiger and kill it with my bare hands. Keep in mind, this happens ONLY when a long-term girlfriend breaks up with me. Certainly it's the loss that triggers this type of thing in my head. But why only then? Why not when I'm together with her? The curious thing is that they sense these things. It's like magic.
I feel I am on the verge of a breakthrough here.
Maybe I'm actually afraid of being that attached to someone. So I'm afraid to become "so attached that I can just throw myself in a blink of an eye in front of a truck to save her", BECAUSE I've experienced that accident?
So I'm frustrated of this whole thing BECAUSE I know that it's a big nothingness and painless??? HUH??? It doesn't make sense!! Oh, wait... it's because I know how it feels like, I've experienced it and know what I've experienced. Oh. My. God.
But wait, it still doesn't make complete sense. If this is it, then why am I now mindlessly doing crazy stuff and be completely reckless??? Because I know it's not a thrill anymore? Could this be it?
God....What. A. Realization. I can't believe how deep the rabbit hole went. My God...
01-05-2014, 05:53 AM
Day 24
I thought more about what I realized last night. At first it didn't seem to be fair to me that women think like that. And a trick question comes to mind :
Say that hypothetically speaking, I'd jump in front of a car to save my girlfriend. All is good, she's safe and sound, but I'm paralyzed from the waist down. What then? What would she do? And after she's answer that question, what would she actually do?
Sooner or later she'll dump me. Of course, she'll be by my side for a while and that "while" is pretty relative. I can't "perform" so why should she bother with me anymore? I am half-vegetable.
And here's the kick in the nuts : conversely, if she had a double mastectomy because of cancer, I would do the same to her on a more or less subconscious level. Sure, if she had plastic surgery done, I'd even pay for it.
But hypothetically speaking, it's the same exact thing. No gender is better than another, we are all equal, with positive traits and flaws. I've realized that you can't be frustrated with this, you just have to go with it. Because at the end of the day, neither man nor woman is the bad guy here. They just are the way they are and you can't change hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution. Accept these things as they are and go for it. Sure, it's not fair for us men, but it's not fair for the women either.
I thought more about what I realized last night. At first it didn't seem to be fair to me that women think like that. And a trick question comes to mind :
Say that hypothetically speaking, I'd jump in front of a car to save my girlfriend. All is good, she's safe and sound, but I'm paralyzed from the waist down. What then? What would she do? And after she's answer that question, what would she actually do?
Sooner or later she'll dump me. Of course, she'll be by my side for a while and that "while" is pretty relative. I can't "perform" so why should she bother with me anymore? I am half-vegetable.
And here's the kick in the nuts : conversely, if she had a double mastectomy because of cancer, I would do the same to her on a more or less subconscious level. Sure, if she had plastic surgery done, I'd even pay for it.
But hypothetically speaking, it's the same exact thing. No gender is better than another, we are all equal, with positive traits and flaws. I've realized that you can't be frustrated with this, you just have to go with it. Because at the end of the day, neither man nor woman is the bad guy here. They just are the way they are and you can't change hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution. Accept these things as they are and go for it. Sure, it's not fair for us men, but it's not fair for the women either.
01-06-2014, 10:13 AM
Day 25
Back to the ocean surf and trickling streams. Today I started work again and exposed myself for about 9 hours.
Let me tell you something. I'm seeing more and more stuff happening as a direct result from the sub. I catch them staring at me from the corner of my eye and when I look to them, they look away. Looking at me as I pass by. Have better responses from women with whatever I say, even if it's a really awful/obvious joke.
Things are looking good.
Last night I was quite sad, because I thought of my ex. some song in a friend's facebook news feed just triggered it all. I felt I needed to cry. I did and it felt hella good. And today I felt awesome.
Back to the ocean surf and trickling streams. Today I started work again and exposed myself for about 9 hours.
Let me tell you something. I'm seeing more and more stuff happening as a direct result from the sub. I catch them staring at me from the corner of my eye and when I look to them, they look away. Looking at me as I pass by. Have better responses from women with whatever I say, even if it's a really awful/obvious joke.
Things are looking good.
Last night I was quite sad, because I thought of my ex. some song in a friend's facebook news feed just triggered it all. I felt I needed to cry. I did and it felt hella good. And today I felt awesome.
01-06-2014, 02:52 PM
(01-06-2014, 10:13 AM)baftis Wrote: [ -> ]Last night I was quite sad, because I thought of my ex. some song in a friend's facebook news feed just triggered it all. I felt I needed to cry. I did and it felt hella good. And today I felt awesome.
Hey man I know exactly what you are talking about. I used to be in the exact same situation. But remember relapse is a part of detox. Because that is what love is. A drug.
I will be reading your journal good luck with everything.
01-06-2014, 03:17 PM
You're definitely going through some growth and it is enjoyable to see it. And I most certainly agree.Humans will be humans. Once you accept that then it brings things into perspective a bit. When we're kids we are often given unrealistic visions of the world and naturally as we grow those vision shatter.
About the crying thing...don't feel bad. As men we're pressured to be emotionless and unbreakable but sometimes a good cry is necessary to get all that bad stuff out and apparently you are benefiting from it. From what it seems BIABW is helping you clear out some serious garbage and this will benefit you in the future because once you start getting more and more attention you'll have the fortitude to handle it better.
About the crying thing...don't feel bad. As men we're pressured to be emotionless and unbreakable but sometimes a good cry is necessary to get all that bad stuff out and apparently you are benefiting from it. From what it seems BIABW is helping you clear out some serious garbage and this will benefit you in the future because once you start getting more and more attention you'll have the fortitude to handle it better.
01-07-2014, 11:37 AM
Day 26
Today was pretty uneventful in regards to the sub. I noticed that I'm uninterested in looking for the girl's reactions to me anymore. Curiously, I get better responses. For example, a girl ( not attractive at all, btw ) who is kinda bitchy and whom I never talked to at work giggled when I said "Bye" to her. So, that's nice.
And I noticed an increase in teasing, too. So, things are looking good. As I'm approaching the end of the 32-day program, I'll go through ASC and then AM 5.0.
The thing is I don't know which is better : to go with the Emotional Healing and then go through AM or go with ASC and then AM? Because there certainly is something there related to all past experiences with long term gf's, even if I'm not consciously aware of anything that might be there at the moment.
In regards to my ex, I'm feeling pretty great, but I do have that kind of vengeful feeling in a sense that I'm seeking vengeance in the form of me living well ( I'm going through a home fitness and bodybuilding program called P90X and I visualise my great looking body at the end of P90X, P90X2 and P90X3 and her jaw dropping on the floor when she sees me ). Revenge is a very powerful motivator.
The thing is I truly moved on from her emotionally, spiritually and blabla and enjoy very much talking to other girls and hitting on other girls. It's truly great.
Today was pretty uneventful in regards to the sub. I noticed that I'm uninterested in looking for the girl's reactions to me anymore. Curiously, I get better responses. For example, a girl ( not attractive at all, btw ) who is kinda bitchy and whom I never talked to at work giggled when I said "Bye" to her. So, that's nice.
And I noticed an increase in teasing, too. So, things are looking good. As I'm approaching the end of the 32-day program, I'll go through ASC and then AM 5.0.
The thing is I don't know which is better : to go with the Emotional Healing and then go through AM or go with ASC and then AM? Because there certainly is something there related to all past experiences with long term gf's, even if I'm not consciously aware of anything that might be there at the moment.
In regards to my ex, I'm feeling pretty great, but I do have that kind of vengeful feeling in a sense that I'm seeking vengeance in the form of me living well ( I'm going through a home fitness and bodybuilding program called P90X and I visualise my great looking body at the end of P90X, P90X2 and P90X3 and her jaw dropping on the floor when she sees me ). Revenge is a very powerful motivator.
The thing is I truly moved on from her emotionally, spiritually and blabla and enjoy very much talking to other girls and hitting on other girls. It's truly great.
01-08-2014, 02:18 AM
(01-07-2014, 11:37 AM)baftis Wrote: [ -> ]The thing is I don't know which is better : to go with the Emotional Healing and then go through AM or go with ASC and then AM?
Hey man, I'm a little bit behind you in terms of schedule with AOS, but I'm too considering doing the Emotional Healing Aid after that.
(and maybe LTU as well)
Would that be AM5 or AM6?
01-08-2014, 09:20 AM
That would be AM5.
01-09-2014, 02:25 PM
Day 27 & 28
Sorry I didn't have time to post last night so I'm going to make up by posting two days in one post.
So nothing really out of the ordinary happened these two days. I noticed that I'm slightly more disinterested in women's reaction towards me right now than I was before. I know I said this before in a previous post but now it's becoming more apparent.
My teasing increased also. I teased a co-worker today in a manner that I did before, but in a much more obvious way and completely unapologetic now than in the past. She did get annoyed a bit, but I managed it to turn it around and make the absolute best of it ( she kissing my cheek and then me saying "I forgive you" and her response was a big laughter ).
I also noticed that I'm more into "my world" now or very focused on what I'm doing when in public. For example, on the subway I'd usually check people out left and right. Now, I'm focused on reading or playing or whatever else I'm doing. Same thing goes for when I'm walking home from work or whatever.
I'm also 4 days in the P90X home fitness system and if feels good and awful at the same time (because of sore muscles). I definitely recommend doing a home fitness or bodybuilding program that can run along AM5 or AM6. If those two programs can do wonders separately, imagine the impact it's going to have running them both at the same time. Mind-blowing awesomeness.
Sorry I didn't have time to post last night so I'm going to make up by posting two days in one post.
So nothing really out of the ordinary happened these two days. I noticed that I'm slightly more disinterested in women's reaction towards me right now than I was before. I know I said this before in a previous post but now it's becoming more apparent.
My teasing increased also. I teased a co-worker today in a manner that I did before, but in a much more obvious way and completely unapologetic now than in the past. She did get annoyed a bit, but I managed it to turn it around and make the absolute best of it ( she kissing my cheek and then me saying "I forgive you" and her response was a big laughter ).
I also noticed that I'm more into "my world" now or very focused on what I'm doing when in public. For example, on the subway I'd usually check people out left and right. Now, I'm focused on reading or playing or whatever else I'm doing. Same thing goes for when I'm walking home from work or whatever.
I'm also 4 days in the P90X home fitness system and if feels good and awful at the same time (because of sore muscles). I definitely recommend doing a home fitness or bodybuilding program that can run along AM5 or AM6. If those two programs can do wonders separately, imagine the impact it's going to have running them both at the same time. Mind-blowing awesomeness.
01-09-2014, 03:33 PM
Cool man that's good, how often are you listening to the sub with headphones?
Thanks
Fonzy
Thanks
Fonzy
01-10-2014, 12:54 PM
8-9 hours, maybe more. Since I'm conveniently working at a call center, I slip my flash drive in the PC and just let it play on and on. So that's 7 hours, 1 hour on the way to work, one hour on the way home. All on headphones.
01-11-2014, 05:33 PM
Day 29
Last night I used the ultrasonics, since I'm back home in my hometown and have the possibility to run the ultrasonics. I ran them during night-time, whilst asleep. Because of it, I had the first ever dream about my ex. She was changed. She looked more like a supermodel posing for women magazines now.
Also, there was a scene in a movie that was running on HBO that was similar to one of our situations, meaning the guy going to another town for his girlfriend because she got a job there. I was doing just fine the entire week, there were merely fleeting thoughts about her, once or twice.
That thing triggered an avalanche of thoughts and feelings, most of those feelings were anger related. I thought I got rid of it. Ugh, unanswered questions, unanswered questions. Guess I'll just have to answer them myself. But the moment has passed.
Last night I used the ultrasonics, since I'm back home in my hometown and have the possibility to run the ultrasonics. I ran them during night-time, whilst asleep. Because of it, I had the first ever dream about my ex. She was changed. She looked more like a supermodel posing for women magazines now.
Also, there was a scene in a movie that was running on HBO that was similar to one of our situations, meaning the guy going to another town for his girlfriend because she got a job there. I was doing just fine the entire week, there were merely fleeting thoughts about her, once or twice.
That thing triggered an avalanche of thoughts and feelings, most of those feelings were anger related. I thought I got rid of it. Ugh, unanswered questions, unanswered questions. Guess I'll just have to answer them myself. But the moment has passed.