10-21-2012, 08:31 AM
After quite a while not in the mood to write anything for a journal, now I'm getting the desire to write.
I decided to create a new journal, to make it easier to track the experiences of this program.
Currently I'm in Stage 1 of AM 5.0, and these are what I'm experiencing.
Stage 1 Summary:
• In this early stage I see a lot of my weaknesses being exposed, I realized I still have plenty of “neediness” when I see a really gorgeous girl I’m attracted to, I see that I still have a lot of doubts about the way I see myself as person of high value, high quality, and high class. I want to get rid of these weaknesses and destroy them for good. With my last sub (BASE) I didn't really care about girls, but now I'm feeling quite needy.
• Feeling a lot of intense anxiety, my self worth and self confidence plummeted all the way down. I’m assuming this stage is uprooting and cleaning all the crap inside me which manifested as all these shitty feelings I’m experiencing
• Getting urges to go out of my comfort zone, and because of this I’ve been doing stuff and going after things like I’ve never done before. I really want to turn my life around for the better, new motivation coming up, I’m like being pulled in two directions, my fear wants to hold me in place, but my motivation to succeed is pushing me to get out there and face the unknown.
• I’m getting thoughts coming up in my mind reminding me that I am the one responsible for all the things that I don’t like in my life, and I should be the one responsible to fix it as well.
• Desire to be truly free and independent becomes stronger and stronger, I want the capability to do whatever I want to do in life, and not having to rely on other people anymore
• I’m working in a new office environment, and it is becoming clear to my eyes who the manipulative and tricky bastards are between my new co-worker. A few of them have been trying hard to impress me with their past working experiences and credentials, but it’s pretty funny because the more they boast about themselves the more obvious their actual level of intelligence really are.
• Feeling angry, hate, and irritation to one of my bosses who is unfriendly to me, I see it as a sign of disrespect, but after a while, I become more understanding, I realized maybe that’s just how he was programmed and conditioned to act throughout his life, I can’t really blame him, since he doesn’t have subliminals to change his programming to be a better person.
• I feel like I just want to be alone by myself, I look for a quiet place where there’s nobody around, don’t feel like going out to crowded places or meeting people, before AM I have the desire to go out, even though I don’t go out that much, but I do enjoy it, but now in this beginning stage of AM I’m just looking for solitude.
• This feeling of low self-confidence, intense anxiety, low self-value is really overwhelming me at the moment, it is like being swept and got rolled under a huge wave of negative emotions, I know I’m better than what I currently feel and perceive myself, but my emotional state seems to say otherwise, and it feels like it is out of my control, I see myself as a worthless loser with nothing good to offer.
Stage 1 delivers quite a blow of rough experiences for me, but I'm sure after some time I'll push through and get out of this dark place.
I decided to create a new journal, to make it easier to track the experiences of this program.
Currently I'm in Stage 1 of AM 5.0, and these are what I'm experiencing.
Stage 1 Summary:
• In this early stage I see a lot of my weaknesses being exposed, I realized I still have plenty of “neediness” when I see a really gorgeous girl I’m attracted to, I see that I still have a lot of doubts about the way I see myself as person of high value, high quality, and high class. I want to get rid of these weaknesses and destroy them for good. With my last sub (BASE) I didn't really care about girls, but now I'm feeling quite needy.
• Feeling a lot of intense anxiety, my self worth and self confidence plummeted all the way down. I’m assuming this stage is uprooting and cleaning all the crap inside me which manifested as all these shitty feelings I’m experiencing
• Getting urges to go out of my comfort zone, and because of this I’ve been doing stuff and going after things like I’ve never done before. I really want to turn my life around for the better, new motivation coming up, I’m like being pulled in two directions, my fear wants to hold me in place, but my motivation to succeed is pushing me to get out there and face the unknown.
• I’m getting thoughts coming up in my mind reminding me that I am the one responsible for all the things that I don’t like in my life, and I should be the one responsible to fix it as well.
• Desire to be truly free and independent becomes stronger and stronger, I want the capability to do whatever I want to do in life, and not having to rely on other people anymore
• I’m working in a new office environment, and it is becoming clear to my eyes who the manipulative and tricky bastards are between my new co-worker. A few of them have been trying hard to impress me with their past working experiences and credentials, but it’s pretty funny because the more they boast about themselves the more obvious their actual level of intelligence really are.
• Feeling angry, hate, and irritation to one of my bosses who is unfriendly to me, I see it as a sign of disrespect, but after a while, I become more understanding, I realized maybe that’s just how he was programmed and conditioned to act throughout his life, I can’t really blame him, since he doesn’t have subliminals to change his programming to be a better person.
• I feel like I just want to be alone by myself, I look for a quiet place where there’s nobody around, don’t feel like going out to crowded places or meeting people, before AM I have the desire to go out, even though I don’t go out that much, but I do enjoy it, but now in this beginning stage of AM I’m just looking for solitude.
• This feeling of low self-confidence, intense anxiety, low self-value is really overwhelming me at the moment, it is like being swept and got rolled under a huge wave of negative emotions, I know I’m better than what I currently feel and perceive myself, but my emotional state seems to say otherwise, and it feels like it is out of my control, I see myself as a worthless loser with nothing good to offer.
Stage 1 delivers quite a blow of rough experiences for me, but I'm sure after some time I'll push through and get out of this dark place.