Day 19,
I was about 10 minutes through my phone call with my parents when it hit me that I'm really behind the 8-ball in my life.
Yes, I'm making fast progress in the things that I'm prioritizing, but I don't really share those things with my parents because they've always given me mixed reactions.
But by the metrics that my peers and colleagues are pushing, I'm not hitting them.
My otherwise good self-esteem was shot and I couldn't help but notice all the ways that I'm not accomplished in life, at least by the results themselves.
No desire for a wife, no desire for a typical 9 to 5, not making the money I want to make (money is something which I do care about).
My choice to cut back my salary in medicine for a new career path I'm supercharged about (tech) is wearing on me, and for some reason I don't want to get a new tech job and upheave my life, especially if it means that I need to move and start paying 500-700 dollars more in rent every month, increase my commute, etc.
I'm hoping that this sick feeling transmutes into discontentment toward anything holding me back from my goals.
Day 21,
I can feel myself removing the obstacles that would be keeping me from sprinting toward my goals.
For example, I'm standing at point A; I see point B. Instead of thinking about it too much, I launch myself toward it. Why not?
If I don't do it, I'll be stuck at point A.
I'm becoming very organized about my goals, my motivations, my promises to others, my projects (active or pending).
I spent the weekend laying out a plan to learn Google Sheets (the Google version of Excel), going through the videos, and now I'm able to automate - add and update - rows into a table based on an input form. It has validation and error handling.
Also, I've cut out a bad habit that's grown over the last few months. I had been playing this zombie game called 7 Days to Die, which is an open-ended open-world game with no endstate. I've have a couple of buddies who jump on and I have fun while doing it. Only problem is, the last 2 weeks, my Steam statistics tell me that I've put in 22 hours (11 hrs/week), and that's me thinking that I'm playing light amounts.
What if I had put 11 hours a week into my Google Sheets project (which requires lots of time and focus)? Or my singing practice.
I can simply reclaim those 11 hours if I don't throw them down the drain.
My main friend is very understanding about my quitting the game. The other friend stopped playing, so there was no issue.
Day 22,
I'm imagining myself in the situation where my new book picks up, becomes incredibly popular, and I get interviewed by bad actors.
I'm finding myself getting worked up by the implications, mischaracterizations and intentional misunderstandings that these interviewers will lob at me.
This is new, as I'm normally cool as a cucumber and can laugh it off.
However, this might be due to the fact that I actually believe that this book will be real, and so these scenarios might actually happen.
Before, I might have not believed that it was possible, and so I could laugh off these fictional scenarios.
Or, my self-esteem and self-respect are growing, meaning that I might be trying to assert them in a clumsy and messy way.
I'm currently 1/2 days into the OFF period.
Day 24,
I think that I'm dropping - either through subliminals, experience, or older age - my little boy tendencies.
To fall back on my failings because I "can't help it" or "I'm the new guy" or "I'm still a young man".
The subliminals are probably removing my hesitancy toward advocating for myself and getting a fair deal.
I'm constantly updating my list of language-based "sentiments" and a framework for when people impose unfair arrangements onto others, so I'm more capable of pin-pointing when people are out of line.
Then, I'm simply getting older, and going the way of Danny Glover and being "too old for that shit"
Day 27,
I'm finding myself having people reaching out for frequent advice.
Maybe removing that inner reactivity leads to people viewing you more as a mentor.
I have a good friend who we agreed to do a diet plan (my expertise); there are times where I regret that decision.
But this will make my ability to have nutrition clients and to treat them more effectively.
I almost hate to admit this, but I've been getting annoyed by the format of their reaching out. Often times, it's with breaks in protocol, or many small things.
I'm feeling myself rushing towards my adult responsibilities; almost like I've been spending 15 years avoiding or deflecting them in some way (since turning 18), and now I'm hurrying up to play catch-up and to get to where someone my age "should" be.
Day 28,
My latest book has been published as of September 7th.
Instead of sitting back, I decided to do something a little different this time.
Since the audience for this book is for younger men, I chose to look up the front-to-back approach to creating TikTok videos for a low cost.
Though I'm on a trial period, I might need to invest in a monthly plan for CapCut, which is a stripped down version of Adobe Studio Pro, but with presets that are very TikTok-friendly. That's my only read cost.
I've also created a Google Sheet setup to store all of my ideas and to produce an easy-to-read script for me.
It took me about 30 minutes to set up my microphone and to read from one of my blurbs.
Then, another 45 minutes to edit that blurb into something eye-catching and dynamic.
Posted it on a whim to TikTok and Instagram.
Already have 500+ views, 14 likes, and 4 favorites. No sales to my book - since I mention it at the end - but I don't mind working on this as a side project if this is what I can expect.
Good luck with your promotional endeavors!
Day 31,
It's crazy that I'm already one month in. So many inner changes that feel rather smooth.
Very funny how much you can look at your tasks impartially, and the objective need for certain actions to generate certain results, as long as you remove your personal squabbles from the equation.
A couple of days ago, something bubbled to the surface that my lifestyle, and even me, were not attractive enough to hold the attention of *any* woman that I'd be interested in.
However, yesterday, I casually make a statement toward a gym crush as we were leaving, and we get into a conversation. A mutual acquaintance jumped in, and they started chatting (they know each other better than I know either of them), but all of it was positive and light.
She was very smiley, so I know that I could reopen the conversation next time.
It's like I'm emotionally living up to Bruce Lee's "be water" quote.
Day 35,
It's quite absurd how much people become transparent once you handle your internal turmoil.
It's almost like your innate bullshit detector has mud on its sensors at first; once you've given it a scrub, then you get more accurate readings of people.
You spot the paper tigers and can spot inner conviction in a person. I'm also getting annoyed with people who are scatter-minded.
For example, I have a good friend who wants to get into business with me with this or that random thing every other hour. Only sees the upsides. But I also know how disciplined he is by the example of his life. Plus, there's a quote from a.. ahem.. "spiritual book" that talks about being "equally yoked," so it would be a bad idea.
I've been on a 1-a-day goal involving my TikTok uploads; I've found a simple system that can help streamline the creation of videos.
However, I'm 9 videos in and the algorithm isn't really picking it up.
My first video was my best performer with several hundreds of views and dozens of likes.
My latest videos are in the 200-view slump (a common complaint of new creators), and my latest video is doing terribly.
It's an indicator that the video, as a whole, is not engaging enough. TikTok rewards interaction with more exposure.
I'm almost willing to put myself out there more and maybe make this a channel where I'm visible and talking into the camera.
There's also a course which promises to make your scripts/videos more engaging to the TikTok algorithm.
I'm also getting inspirations to follow through on a men's self-improvement brand; to create mini-courses and funnels. That way, I'll be committed to promoting it, instead of the fly-by-night courses I've half-heartedly cobbled together in the past.
Quote:It's quite absurd how much people become transparent once you handle your internal turmoil.
It's almost like your innate bullshit detector has mud on its sensors at first; once you've given it a scrub, then you get more accurate readings of people.
You spot the paper tigers and can spot inner conviction in a person.
Interesting observation, I think that to start in general in society were told not to trust our intuition, not to trust ourselves and look to some 'authority' who likely never has our best interests at heart.
It makes sense that clearing out your own baggage then makes you more able to access it and trust yourself. And sometimes it takes being in a position where you learn to trust it, like doing security in a nightclub for me. I can just tell when someone is dodgy, which is an intuition that most people tend to have.. but it's refined more and i've learnt to trust it.
The 'paper tigers' are the people I see who talk big, like how tough they are, how many women they're banging and such straight out when they meet you and no relationship is established where you would share stories with each other, and it's just a fake way to get your approval and hoping you will think of them as tough/cool/whatever.
When really at a certain point when you see through it, it very much does the exact opposite and you can instantly see their lack of substance.
Day 48,
It's very interesting how much baggage I have stripped away from me surrounding the attractive women around me.
If I see a pretty woman around me, and I don't intend on speaking with her, I just imagine myself bending her over, and her being very much into it.
It's not meant to be perverse; it's just fun and sexy.
There are no "but"s. It's not like I'm having the fantasy and thinking:
* "But she's probably full of herself"
* "But she's probably not interested"
* "But she'll probably just talk to me for the attention"
I've had these "but"s for over a decade, and they've been pesky and intrusive.
I figure that my sex drive is about as high as it's been 3-4 years ago, but it's a purer form, uninterrupted by the little resentments, frustrations, and narratives about what the amount of sex I'm having. I used to be insecure when I wasn't having any, and it drove me to try to get more. So the comparison feels different between now and then.
Now, I can just enjoy the thought of it in my head without feeling any kind of bad about it.
Another big breakthrough that is directly related to my previous post, but I should dedicate to its own thing...
I just find more women to be attractive, and I'm enjoying that.
I'm just enjoying my finding her hot.
There isn't any more baggage about:
* "Yeah but she's not *that* hot" or
* "Ugh, why don't those types of women respond to my messages?" or
* finding knit-picky flaws, or
* feeling hopeless about my love and sex life after looking at her, or
* feeling like I need to be having new sex partners so that my count is "high enough" (I've gotten past this one a few years ago)
* whether I'm pumping up her ego (besides, I admire with healthy boundaries and without her being on a pedestal)
Day 49,
I had this dream where a mafia boss was texting me and extorting me for 1 million dollars.
Never met the guy and had no reason to owe him money.
Then, he stipulated that I need to accept some other terms that made no sense.
But it had me in this weird frame of mind where I was being held in fear by unreasonable conditions.
Who would ever be able to pay one million dollars? But then, how would you fight those terms?
Then, why the hell was he extorting me over text message? Putting himself at such legal risk.
If I had said 'no' to all of those terms, what real-world justice could I get from it? Bring it to the police and put myself at risk? Would I have his powerful friends come and hurt me?
It felt like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" kind of situation.
Day 53,
I am deeper into the affirmation / manifestation stuff right now. Feeling good, and as though I've made a shift
Committed myself to putting in more volume in both bench press and squat to ultimately get bigger numbers.
Getting visible gains at the gym, but I will need to go through a cut to make all of my work very visible.
Walking around at 210-215, but I know that I could easy get back down to 195-200 if I lost 10-15 pounds of (mostly) fat.
Was at the gym today, and I had an interesting feeling come up. I'd been not approaching women for the past year or so, despite having done it dozens of times in 2022/2023.
Saw this gal that I used to see (but never spoke with) regularly, and she was there after not being there for a while. My mind finally went: "you should talk to her" and I got excited. I was about to do it, but then when I would start closing the distance, my mind would go "but she's going to grab dumbbells" or "but she's about to switch places".
I got hesitant and just walked off; next time. I was at 55/45 in terms of desire versus inner psych-out.
There is no "perfect time". The "perfect time" is the time where you feel the desire to do something.
I believe that the emotional healing removed that need for validation that made more extend outward and try to get with women.
Now that it's been addressed, I think that those lingering shames about being publicly interested in women override my natural interest in them.
Before, the need for validation overpowered those. Now that they're gone, the shame is the overpowering shotcaller.
I'm looking forward for that to be gone, and out of consideration.