Day 53,
Ugh. I have some general action steps I need to be doing for my business course, and if I simply 'wanted' to do it, I would overlook the lack of a laid out system (in this course) and jump in.
My mind is just slamming the brakes and refusing to 'want' to do it.
Feels like I'm not executing on the instructions of the program. Doing 7 loops on Ultrasonic at the correct volume settings.
Day 57 (2nd day away from subs),
The instructor/CEO of the business course I'm taking was directing the call; I was able to voice my complaints about a lack of detail on a specific detail; he was very open to it and pledged to put out several videos within 72 hours.
To be clear, when he directs his attention to it, it's golden material. But he relied on his coaches to answer the questions about how to fill those gaps. Now that there's something set in stone, I feel like I can push through what was a very confusing set of instructions. These instructions have to do with selecting your niche, which field you'd like to sell to.
Day 59 (4th day away from subs),
The way that I hear myself talk, I can tell that I am becoming a fundamentally different person.
Just the level of comfort that I have in conversation, the depth of the ideas that I'm writing down, the level of planning that I'm undertaking.
It's just... different. I'd argue better, but definitely different.
Day 64 (9th day away from subs),
There's a certain weirdness about me that I can't seem to shake. It comes out when I'm talking to people. Some awkwardness.
I'm feeling a pull towards my business goals.
On Wednesday, the business creator released the new materials that he promised; it made a lot of things clear and has cleared the path for me to trudge forward.
I'm realizing how much money-making is about your enjoyment of the process of going 'out there' and talking people into giving you their money in a fair exchange.
I've done job interviews for decent-paying jobs but they were always an event of their own; and when I got offered the hourly rate, it was always higher than what I would have negotiated for.
I didn't truly have to fight for my monetary worth. But since I have been running MM, I'm realized where and how I can bring value.
On a similar note, in the last 18 months, I've positioned myself as further ahead than other software developers in my company who have been at it for a similar (or greater) amount of time. The people skills, the presentation skills, the systems knowledge. In fact, my manager presented a training document that I created - designed to marry the business knowledge with the technical knowledge - to the management team meeting and they were raving about it at our in-person gettogether (evening event).
I've also taken charge of a potential work project; the project manager keeps bringing it up as a thing that we *could* look at, but there was a chasm in researching how we could pull it off. After a couple of hours of reading and thinking about it, I put a proposition forward that would not require all that much additional setup.
My friend and now career mentor has been poking me to get my resume and cover letter optimized; since I've gotten the resume, he's sending me job boards and opportunities that are remote. He's really pushing me to go for the higher paying management jobs, since we have created my materials to position me for this.
The stage is set for a financial quantum leap.
Day 68 (13th day away from subs),
There are a set of phone calls I need to be making to probe and do market research for my niche, but they are out of my comfort zone.
I could get started on them on Friday, when I have the day off, to get familiarized with my process. However, once I do that, I'll have to do some outreach on a daily basis, which I anticipate will pose a challenge.
Day 70 (15th day away from subs),
Noticing that my internal resistances to action is no longer an overt feeling or direct emotional experience; it's more like an aversion, similar to being offered a bowl of olives (I don't care much for those).
So, if I'm distancing myself for a bunch of cold calls, I experience it as me thinking "well, I don't *have* to do that"; it's not me thinking "I'm too afraid to make this phone call".
This is for money-related issues.
A very insidious distinction between external and internal, as it becomes tougher to audit my own behaviors.
My fears get wrapped up in layers of sophistication.
Every time I'm mustering up the courage, I'm getting profound insights and ideas for a book I want to write; a very productive distraction.
I really want to take on OGSF after this break, but I might as well get the desired outcome from MM. I've seen Shannon write that MM will remove guilt-based and shame-based issues directly related to money if it really needs to.
Day 71 (16th day away from subs),
I'm really feeling the internal struggle of "I really want to do XYZ, but I internally don't at all feel like doing XYZ."
I believe that the bloom factor is coming through, where Shannon's mention of the razor's edge is applying to me.
https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-OGSF-...omb?page=3
I did do a number of calls on Friday, about 10, with most of them not connecting to the person. I did get some useful feedback.
I'm scheduled to do more calls tomorrow, and I don't wanna.
Day 74 (19th day away from subs),
Might resume MM in a couple of days, wrapping up the rest period for a total of 21 days.
I'm beginning to appreciate that I'm wasting a lot of time; even if I'm geared towards success in the general sense, I spend a lot of time on distractions, often to dull the emotional pain of pushing towards what I want.
The last couple of days, I felt the same dull and persistent anxiety that I felt at around age 21, which was a pivotal year surrounding money, imprinting me in a negative direction. That was also the year where I made a lot of cold calls out of desperation and got nowhere, probably creating an unconscious learned helplessness.
Day 79,
Feels like people don't actually listen to me when I'm talking. That, or my voice isn't carrying.
It happened online with people I'm trying to talk to - it felt like they only acknowledged 50% of what I was saying, and gave a response - with a friend at my gym who would literally not hear what I was saying and gave a different answer. And it just happened at dinner today; felt like I was only being heard about 50-70% of the time, where other people would butt in and overtalk me, or I felt rushed.
In a video game which involves strategy - Left 4 Dead - I made pointed suggestions to stay together and to avoid getting picked off by 'special' enemies, which stun lock you. They didn't listen, and they paid the price. They beg for health packs, refill their health, then stand in front of crowds of zombies, get surrounded, and take tons of damage. Frustrating.
Day 81,
Feeling like the opposite of a money magnet; like someone who just sits down for work and studies for certs, preparing to make more money someday, but not making any.
I think that my previous run of multiple loops has given me some programming that my subconscious is simply shut down and refuses to move forward.
Any steps connected to money-making are not interesting to me.
Day 82,
I feel like there's something that my subconscious mind doesn't want to face square on. As though it's avoiding an important fact of life that, once absorbed and integrated, will make me fearless, effective, and integrated; but it hasn't been absorbed yet.
Until this year, I've had a relentless drive towards projects, but I've gotten myself to the point where I needed to market and sell myself, and that's where those projects have fallen apart, much like an invisible wall. I believe that my current work is much closer to that invisible wall.
Day 83,
Last night; I had some ramped up fears of dying, specifically of getting killed.
Getting caught up in some cartel business, and having them gun for me for no particular reason.
Sparring your the details, it would mess with my ability to calm down and fall asleep.
Possible that some deeper fears are being picked at.
Day 85,
I'm noticing an inner transformation (I'm back on the program) and it's coming through in my subcommunications, both verbally and physically.
Went to a Christmas party for my Jiu Jitsu place, and I was moving, gesturing, and saying the right things to move things along.
I also had a chat with a colleague in a business course I'm taking, and I was asking very pertinent and challenging questions that moved the conversation forward. It helped me and the other two people on the call.
Day 86,
I dreamed last night where I was house sitting in a mansion with some other people.
I realized that there was a spare room - probably 30 by 30 feet - with a 12-foot ceiling, and no windows, filled with dream guitars, amplifiers, and instruments.
I went one room deeper and I reached a room full of drawers and hangers with clothing; mainly suits and coats.
Assumed that it belonged to the man of the house.
I woke up before I had begun to play the guitars and try on the clothing.
Note: Noticed that I've been getting tired earlier on in the day compared to even 1 year ago. This might be related to aging, but I think it relates more to my mind having an inner subconscious battle, burning through resources. I'm having a smoother conscious experience.