Subliminal Talk

Day 19,

Something that I have not mentioned, but I began to notice the last few days.

I come from a code bootcamp background, meaning that I was shown the functional, practical, abstracted 'high level', but I never had to learn what went into the compilation of something like HTML, or what happens - at the hardware level - when a line of Javascript gets interpreted. Instead of burrowing down, I kept building on top of the abstractions; going into cloud computing, then into machine learning.

As a result of reading about "low levels" of computers, the literal billions of transistors inside of computer chips, and the understanding that these transistors regulate electricity flow for all of these transistors, consistently, without malfunction, it is an absolute miracle that we've been able to produce this technology.

The computer is the greatest working optical illusion of all time; the minutely small pieces (and I mean microns in size) process billions of electrical logic problems every second and combine them in a way that is processable by human beings, and the technology continues to improve every year.

The two resources I am working through:
* Code: The Hidden Language of Computer Hardware and Software by Charles Petzold; Literally pieces the computer together from the natural world - wires, magnets, and electricity - to a computer chip, step by step.
* Learning the CompTIA IT Foundations (ITF+) curriculum. Tied a more abstracted connection between the computer chips and other hardware in my computer (RAM, Graphics card) and my day to day work as a software engineer, and the true potential of computers.

I believed that I had lost my purpose in pursuing machine learning, but I believe that I really needed to dive into the more concrete side of computing. Building back up to my previous level of understanding informed why things work the way they work.

This has renewed my interest in coding and computing, and has helped me to intuitively understand why new concepts work the way they do.
I now realize that my purpose has truly required an understanding of low level programs, optimization, then in networks, cybersecurity, digital forensics, and the concrete operations of graphics cards. Trust me, this is building to something which I won't elaborate here.

I needed that period where I looked out to the natural world, and contemplated carpentry, plumbing, and electricity, and all of this would make me much more grounded in reality.

Day 20,

I can tell that there's an unconscious internal battle between a confident self and an approval-seeking self.

I'll get halfway through saying confident things, but then I cut myself off near the end of it. Or my voice gets a little tight sounding.
Or I'll throw something out there where the purpose is to fish for approval.

Very strange place to be.

Feeling an uneasiness at the solar plexus level.

(10-12-2023, 07:59 AM)Ampersnd Wrote: [ -> ]Day 20,

I can tell that there's an unconscious internal battle between a confident self and an approval-seeking self.

I'll get halfway through saying confident things, but then I cut myself off near the end of it. Or my voice gets a little tight sounding.
Or I'll throw something out there where the purpose is to fish for approval.

Very strange place to be.

Feeling an uneasiness at the solar plexus level.

All of this is very similar to my own experience.

Day 21,

Not a major money change, but I've felt myself make a few tweaks in the self-improvement realm.
* Got inspired to build up storage in my office, vertically instead of on shelf space. I got a stud finder, some large enough nails, and a peg board, and installed it yesterday evening
* I got a program last week to systematically improve my Jiu Jitsu. It starts with pin escapes. It came with a very cool 'matrix' - an Excel sheet, basically - that shows every possible position, and you can rank yourself and increase your rank as you get more comfortable in each one.
* That 'matrix' inspired me to create a matrix of my own, of everyday and handyman skills that I've wanted to learn, but haven't learned. I spent several hours one evening working through that and getting a lot of fun from it.
* My attention at work is directed towards automation and removing repetitive tasks with technology.

Day 24,

Upped the loops to 3/day. Have this strange feeling of anxiety in my upper chest; normally it's the result of some stress or caffeine, and the feeling is flowing. Today it just feels... stuck.
Couldn't be health symptom-related, as my blood pressure yesterday showed perfect numbers; 133/80, pulse 55.

Day 25,

We've reached the point where my inner Eeyore is rearing its ugly head.
My assumptions about success have inverted; I would normally associate with the self-image being a 'chosen one' who is hard-driving but distractible, and will never be kept down; nowadays, I assume that I will fail at anything I try, so why bother? Very self-defeatist.

My external behaviors are similar to a single person who is fitness minded and takes singing lessons, but not much else.
I would normally feel despair about my lack of motivation, but I don't have those intense feelings. I'm surprisingly even-keel.
I don't take much alcohol, no porn, no video games.
But can't focus on my goals for more than a couple of minutes.
Self-confidence is a bit deflated because I can't rely on myself to do the tasks I'm normally thrilled to pursue, but I know that I'll pull through in the end.

The days and weeks are passing by. A bizarre feeling.

I might be tapping into the days where I was constantly discouraged by my parents for any thoughts or plans outside of their narrow view for me. I naturally rebelled, mentally pursuing my goals up to a point. But I believe that my effectiveness was hampered by inner shame and the desire to not push the envelope far enough to be 'found out' and to kick off the uncomfortable conversation about the direction of my life.

This sounds like MM has dug down to the root cause of the resistance, and it's trying hard now to fight what is basically inevitable if you keep going.

Day 26,

Notice that my instinct in phone calls is to take conversational leadership and to make verbal prompts to move the discussion forward, much like an interviewer who is directing it towards a certain purpose.
Feels smooth and it feels appreciated.
I don't interrupt or talk over; if both of us begins talking, I say "please go ahead" with a bit of authority, and the convo unclogs and continues.

Interesting.

Day 28,

Feels like I'm back (in part).
I spent about 3 hours on CompTIA Network+ video materials - in a half-distracted way, but still 3 hours - with notes.
I have an aspiration to hit the weights heavy again and to maximize my strength. Will have to optimize that with my grappling and getting in enough calories to not get injured.
But I want to add at least a plate each side (90 lbs) to all of my major lifts.

Day 31,

Something negative inside of me has been overcome. I'm not sure what it is, but it's palpable.
There's a certain optimism I'm feeling again.

There's no more resting on my laurels; I see the next levels that I want to reach in my other domains.
The next higher-paying job in my IT career (cybersecurity or AI), the higher skill in my martial art career, the bigger numbers in the gym, the next instrument in my repertoire - the Hammond organ/keyboard. I'm also inspired to learn blues jazz on the piano/keyboard, and I'm considering buying a digital piano.
Don't have that spark to return to dating.

Note: increased to 4 loops today

Day 32,

Did three hours of studying yesterday. Did some Jiu Jitsu rolling on my 'rest day'.
A bit more focused.

Not feeling the direct money benefits, but we'll see. I intend to keep increasing the loops on a weekly basis until I hit the maximum, or I feel a large enough shift.

I believe that some unconscious guilt on the topic of money has been tackled and relieved.
When I do my affirmations about money (and other topics), my inner self is going "fuck yeah!" whereas before I would wince a bit and doubt myself.
I felt like my gains would be withholding it from other people, or that I would leave other people (that I assume are) with lower income in my rearview to toil and suffer; it's not a logical concern, but it would complicate my feelings about money.

I've also made an affirmation for myself about women, and I'm suddenly excited to repeat it over and over.

Day 35,

I'm using my paid work time for self-training in CompTIA networking; I've completed all of my work and it lines up with my workplace's priorities, so why not?
Not noticing anything different in terms of money.

I will be switching to overnight listening instead of morning time because I wind up being stuck to my cell phone all morning, with my computer speakers replacing my headphones to not miss out. In a couple of days, I will also increase loops from 4 to 5.

How long did you originally use it according to the instructed usage pattern and loops per day on?