Subliminal Talk

I stopped v1 about 1 1/2 months ago, and I recently realized that I may have left myself in a state of it being in the middle of working on things. I mentioned in my journal I went on a few porn binges, and it was generally when i'd get to a level of frustration about girls. Basically v1 was pushing me to talk to girls again, but then i'd go out and the fear would be too much to overcome and i'd end up going home and going on a porn binge, or I would talk to 1 or 2 very briefly and then it would trigger a big overwhelm reaction after.. and the same outcome.

Also Baldurs Gate 3, combine with Starfield now especially.. i've got too much into playing them. I read a book about how porn is a hyper reality and makes you uninterested in other things in life, and feeilng like you can't be bothered. Well I decided to stop porn after that, then I realized games are the same. In the past after like 30 or 40 hours i'd have finished the game but Starfield is extremely massive. It's been enough that twice i've deleted it, and twice downloaded the whole 120gb again.

I thought I was okay, I deleted it and started to want to go and do stuff. Went out last sunday to a market and the beach, and the frustration and fear that seems unconquerable around girls, especially in bikinis I went on the biggest porn binge in a while, then spent like 2 days playing stupid adult games. Then deleted them and have been playing Starfield. I've been getting my usual daily things done still, but not much desire to socialize. A few days worked out several hours later than usual, and been regularly staying up an hour or so later because I can't stop playing.

So basically it seems that the state I left myself in stopping V1 made me go into more and more of a hole in a way.

Have had little desire to socialize, and since breaking up with the girl I was seeing like 4/5 months ago i've lost one big social outlet, alot of the group. And while trying to deal with this big 'sabotage' thing I have a while ago as I haven't been able to find a hypnotist that can deal with it, and most of them say the same old shit "it's not that, it's something else" and the same thing derailing their sessions i've been trying to deal with it myself. Sadly what I did fucked up alot of my past programming from AM, LTU, UH and such in a manner I didn't expect and I lost alot of my deservingness type programming and masculinity programming.. and was hanging around more a more low quality group and accepting it, you know the kind of people doing drugs all the time (not hardcore, but potheads, I still don't want to be around that), trailer trash types. Not that I ever have any desire to do drugs, but I want to be surrounded by higher quality positive people like I was before.

Plus I may have mentioned I went to a martial arts seminar a few months ago. I travelled to the city which I haven't done for ages, due to trauma and fear stopping me really venturing out. I kind of had a 'reversal' after that and fear come back more even though the trip and seminar was awesome. And then stopping v1 seems to have sent me back more.

I was trying something else to deal with that sabotage, but after a month last night I was like "fuck it i'm starting OGSF v2". Plus there's another seminar next month, and another thing in december and I need to really get over this fear to do these things.

It's not the whole answer as it's likely a lifelong thing. But a big chunk of this is since I did security for years and the axe incident (most current members won't be aware of this, i'm okay talking about it if you're curious) I had outside of work but it happened due to the job.. this has been there for years. On and off isolating myself, get really social for a while and then go back to feeling antisocial.. it just makes me not feel safe in the world, not want to go out and really engage with life and do these things I want to do.

It's also kind of funny in my martial arts training we do stuff like fully yell at each other aggressively, push each other around, when I had a 3rd person 2 people doing the same thing to learn to deal with that fear and I actually enjoy it and it gets me pumped. But go talk to a girl, or really go and engage with life.. nah. Plus the crazy situations I was in doing security that I survived and got through, and now these stupid fears stopping me. Though yes those situations and that job are also responsible for this issue.

I was more social than in a long time due to LTU, OF v3, UH and such.. but seem to have ruined some of that programming. It seems this sabotage leads me to do so aswell.

So.. FUCK GUILT, SHAME AND FEAR!

I'll write about the first night tomorrow, as i'm up even later now cos I wanted to write this, plus I can't think right now to type it up properly and i'll have to refer to my written journal.

I don't want to.. but just as I was about to turn off my computer I thought "I'll delete Starfield again". I want to keep playing for days and days more, and it's getting especially exciting. Keeping it on my computer and saying "I won't play it" doesn't work, it's kind of like leaving drugs on your kitchen table and saying "I won't take them" if you're addicted.

Ok I just done so, I hope V2 helps lessen these desires for porn and games. Obviously fear based as both are an escape from the world.

Started OGSF v2 - Wednesday 20/9/23. Usage as described on page for now.

Last Day Of Listening - 9/2/24.

Interestingly I have to make myself sit here and type this up, when I was feeling low I wanted to post but now feeling a bit better and I have little desire to. I had the thought earlier that after 2 nights v2 is helping get me out of that 'hole' I was in.

Observations of night 1 -

When I laid down my body shook a little, suddenly I thought "wow i've been stuck in fight and flight" which when you're used to it you don't notice. And it was sbtly coming down, it also felt like it was originating from my groin. That's understandable for reasons I won't go into.

I started thinking about past girls, almost like I was pining for them. I can't explain it, but the way v2 brings up stuff on the 2 nights i've done so far is of a different quality. My first impression is it seems it's going deeper but at the same time it's dealing with it easier, like it doesn't seem as high intensity when stuff comes up, it just seems to relax. It may be too early to say, but that's what i'm thinking so far. It's also different in other ways to any past program that is hard to explain.

My dreams were obviously affected, but I can't remember. Same as the 2nd night.

Actually one was that I was getting ready for a snow trip adventure, someone was helping me back. I was trying to get some different teabags and was getting stressed he didn't have any. Maybe perfectionism, and the snow trip adventure could be symbolic with fear stopping me going and doing certain things.

I woke up with a strong sex drive coming up, more than in a long time. It makes sense fear and trauma could be suppressing that, but it could also be something else I was doing and fear was stopping that from working fully aswell.

I laid in bed in the morning getting really relaxed and peaceful, similar to past programs.

Also when I pressed play and went to bed I felt kind of like a gentle massage on different parts of my body, like it was helping those parts relax. Felt good.

After 2nd night -

Woke up annoyed I deleted Starfield, got up and started downloading it again. And was feeling a bit lightheaded and weird. A few hours I stopped it downloading and felt better.

Also I was thinking about going to a friends birthday and really wasn't feeling like it all week. Turns out is was some kind of fear, and likely baggage building up from the porn and games bs. Because suddenly something relaxed and I felt like going, I messaged her and i'm looking forward to it. Whereas all week I didn't reply to her and I was like "ahh I don't know if I want to go". So as I said I only just realized how I left myself in that kind of state from stopping V1 in the middle of it doing something and it only become apparent over time, and I also realized more of what it was doing.

Also after going down the street I was thinking about some kind of thing i've built up over time, like i'd see someone I kind of know, only certain people and alot of the time be like "I hope they don't talk to me" or "I can't be fucked talking to them". Not always, and today I seen a guy I used to work with who I had that feeling about when i've seen him a few times and it seems this stops them even really noticing me or closes me off and stops them saying anything. Cos the other few times he acted like he didn't know me, even when I said how's it going he seemed surprised. Today he said hi to me in a different way.

I like the idea of V2 (I did notice some of this in V1) lessening these blockages from connecting with people more.

Went to my friends birthday. Something was subtly different, it almost felt like I was in a 'twilight zone' state as I call it. Like I was fairly comfortable, telling stories to the group and such, but there was also partly a feeling of "hmm this is unusual" after it.

There was this guy there, I guess my friends new boyfriend or whatever. He was the most high energy and mental guy I think i've ever met, at first I just had to get away. He was entertaining, some of the stuff he come out with, and he was all over the place, one moment telling this long stories that seemed to go nowhere with crazy laughter that just drew you in thinking it was going to be something awesome as he did have this charismatic streak when he talks, then another moment telling us another story of 'the worst thing he did in his life' and started crying, I was expecting something really crazy but it wasn't what I expected. Then later in the night he walked past a bush and just jumped into it and was laying there face down, I went to ask if he needed help up as he was fairly under the influence i'd say and he just said "no I don't need help" and laid there.  

I was entertained and mostly got along with him at the time. But then in bed after going home I felt really weird, partly overstimulated and awake, but also started thinking about this guy being fairly manipulative and me not really being aware of it at the time. Like he just touched me on the shoulder or something and then started going "oh my god sorry I know you don't like to be touched" when I didn't even say anything and i've never met him before. I realized it seemed like some weird manipulative thing like he was trying to create this thing and then pretend to others i'm irrational or something for something I didn't even say. I didn't like it though at the end when I was leaving he bear hugged me and lifted me up, I didn't feel unsafe as it seemed to be done in a friendly kind of way but after it I was thinking "nah I don't like that".

And I felt really drained and I had this realization that this guy is an energy vampire, I can't explain it but I suddenly realized it after. Soon enough my friend will be crying about "I attract narcissists" again when she always dates these mental guys, the last one fooled us all but if she can't see this guy is mental then shes blind. I was impressed though how he took the lead with things, like talking around the fire and giving us a question to each talk about in a circle a few times.

Was mostly a fun night. Later in the night an attractive woman showed up, ended up being my friends daughters friends mum who lived across the road. I was happy that I just talked to her when she come in. Then after crazy dude jumped in the bush and I went over to see if he needed help I went and stood next to her and talked to her more. It felt a bit awkward and she started talking to my other female friend and seeming to ignore me and I was shutting down a bit, then after a bit I interjected and she talked to me a bit more, then she seemed to get annoyed when I was then talking to my friend more.

I thought "it's not going to go anywhere" and I was getting fairly tired anyway, but she actually seemed disappoined I was going, the way she said "are you going now?".

She said "add me on facebook" as I talked about a fun thing I organized a while ago that I want to do again, and another girl joked that I was going to facebook stalk her when I asked what her name is, and I had this discomfort and said "but she asked me to" and realized that made things weird and awkward.

Anyway, today I felt like going somewhere, went to a market for a walk. So last night was relaxed and confident, this morning I just felt weird, i've been lightheaded on and off since the morning. I felt pushed to go out somewhere like I just had to get out, but had this background anxiety I don't usually have. I was thinking about it though, as usually i'd feel this feeling of just being 'blocked' or 'numb' maybe.. and that this anxiety may be what's behind that but i'm not usually actually aware of it.

And the lightheadedness was likely a fear response because it would come and go, mainly coming when I was having a fear response around attractive girls.

On a note around that, in one shop I seen myself in a mirror and I was like "I'm getting in even better shape" but then I got down on myself like "fuck i'm in good shape, but then around girls I just shut down, and get no interest, then if I do I just shut down too". It's definately a deeper long term insecurity, but has got worse the last few years. And weirdly it's almost like the better shape I get in the worse the fear gets.

I'm having a strong desire and craving for more input, more listening of V2 but Shannon said to stick to the instructions for atleast 1 cycle so I haven't followed it yet.

Shannon Wrote:I'd like to point out that on this program, it is EXTREMELY important that you do AT LEAST one full cycle of days on and off according to the instructions. This is for two reasons. First, you don't know yet how the program will affect you on those days off, and what comes out of the models does for a good reason. Always run at LEAST one full cycle according to the instructions, and then make whatever changes you feel are appropriate. Otherwise you don't understand what the baseline is.

Shannon Wrote:You'll probably know how to proceed after doing 1 full cycle on and off, but if you believe that it's best to keep going as instructed, by all means.  The key is to understand the baseline, and to give your subconscious time not only to rest, but to execute without further input.

After the first run-through, you'll want to take at least a week off.  Helps prevent subconscious boredom.

(09-22-2023, 09:02 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]And I felt really drained and I had this realization that this guy is an energy vampire, I can't explain it but I suddenly realized it after. 

The "Grounding Shield" is built into the 5.11G skeleton script.
He probably fell into the bushes because of the grounding shield.  

---

I bet he was trying to figure you out! 
"It feels like work trying to get energy from this guy!?" 

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It sounds like the "Grounding Shield" kicked his ass!!

(09-22-2023, 09:34 PM)4Kingdoms Wrote: [ -> ]

(09-22-2023, 09:02 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]And I felt really drained and I had this realization that this guy is an energy vampire, I can't explain it but I suddenly realized it after. 

The "Grounding Shield" is built into the 5.11G skeleton script.
He probably fell into the bushes because of the grounding shield.  

---

I bet he was trying to figure you out! 
"It feels like work trying to get energy from this guy!?" 

---

It sounds like the "Grounding Shield" kicked his ass!!

I'm entertained and got a good laugh from the idea it made him fall in the bush, but he was nowhere near me at the time as he had went somewhere else to talk to someone and was walking back and not interacting with me. He was just mental and very likely off his head on something too.

But I did forget about the shield, now that you mention it that may possibly also explain part of my energy drain and me feeling weird after it if the grounding shield was using alot of energy while dealing with him. But also i've had a few later nights and it was fairly late for me too.

Dude, what axe incident???

(09-23-2023, 02:40 AM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]

(09-22-2023, 09:34 PM)4Kingdoms Wrote: [ -> ]The "Grounding Shield" is built into the 5.11G skeleton script.
He probably fell into the bushes because of the grounding shield.  

---

I bet he was trying to figure you out! 
"It feels like work trying to get energy from this guy!?" 

---

It sounds like the "Grounding Shield" kicked his ass!!

I'm entertained and got a good laugh from the idea it made him fall in the bush, but he was nowhere near me at the time as he had went somewhere else to talk to someone and was walking back and not interacting with me. He was just mental and very likely off his head on something too.

But I did forget about the shield, now that you mention it that may possibly also explain part of my energy drain and me feeling weird after it if the grounding shield was using alot of energy while dealing with him. But also i've had a few later nights and it was fairly late for me too.

You wouldn't feel energy drain from him if the shield was working.  It won't drain you of energy to drain his negativity into the ground unless you're already exhausted, which you weren't.

This can be explained as one or both of the following:
1. He breached the shield by physical contact, which would mean the shield wasn't able to separate you.
2. The energy drain wasn't from him, but was from within you.  This happens a lot to introverts when they try to do things around others which requires a lot of their own internal energy to maintain a semblance of normalcy.  It is why introverts (and people like me, who have parts of themselves that are introverted) can only handle certain people or circumstances for a limited time before becoming exhausted and needing to get away and recharge.

Quote:You wouldn't feel energy drain from him if the shield was working.  It won't drain you of energy to drain his negativity into the ground unless you're already exhausted, which you weren't.

This can be explained as one or both of the following:
1. He breached the shield by physical contact, which would mean the shield wasn't able to separate you.
2. The energy drain wasn't from him, but was from within you.  This happens a lot to introverts when they try to do things around others which requires a lot of their own internal energy to maintain a semblance of normalcy.  It is why introverts (and people like me, who have parts of themselves that are introverted) can only handle certain people or circumstances for a limited time before becoming exhausted and needing to get away and recharge.

I didn't feel the drain in the moment, but after it was like I come down from all of it.

The second one makes the most sense. I now like socializing generally, but with people like that I am always drained after.

Like he was 'ok' to talk to, and funny and had his charismatic streak. But after i'm like "I hope I never see that guy again".

Funnily enough talked to a few of my friends today who were there, and they all think the same thing about him and we all hope she doesn't keep seeing him.

I had a good day, but am exhausted now.

Went to see some friends at the park, to the market and to a psychic/alternative market thing after that which my friends were going to. I'm not into psychics, but there wasn't really any alternative healing like I hoped, other than reiki which alot of the time I don't trust.

I felt fairly comfortable talking to people, a few stallholders and I even talked to a few women briefly. I could say maybe partly OGSF but also partly the environment. I realized that this environment makes it easier almost like i'm at something I enjoy and there's that automatic similarity. I say that as i've been to them in the past and talked to girls there too.

Nothing standing out at first. Went to a talk on palmistry and love life with my friend, not that I really believe in it but I was curious. Looks ilke it was a good idea, we were the only guys. When she asked for a volunteer to read I took note of the girls putting their hands up and I thought "obviously the girls here will be looking for someone".

The one that got read was cute and I wanted to talk to her, but fear stopped me and didn't help she was with friends. And for some reason I was drawn to another one, she was fat but kind of cute and I went to talk to her after it, then got interrupted by someone saying my friend left his drink bottle. But went back to her and we talked maybe 10 minutes, she was pretty cool.

I wanted to get her number, but it's almost like the bigger fear is having them realize that i'm attracted to them and not wanting to 'give that away'. Yep annoying fear. Also after that she was with a friend which made me feel more awkward so I didn't, then after talking to someone else who I met at the party last night she was gone.

I realized when I got home, that it's likely I went for her because of my level of self esteem.. like I was drawn to her for some reason, but it's likely at the same time that's who I thought I could get. And thinking about it when home i'd like to have sex with her, but then it's the old thing of when i've been with fat chicks in the past, after not long I start to feel bad being out in public with them, because of how I look and such I should be with higher quality girls, but my self esteem prevents that. Then being so into health, fitness, working out a fat girl is going against that.

But hey, after being so frustrated and not talking to or meeting any girls for ages today was a good effort.

I wanted to do more, or go somewhere else but I come home. And since coming home i've been really exhausted. I guess I haven't really socialized like that in a while with new people, not just in my friends group.

I was really terrified of having someone I was interested in knowing it when I was in high school and after for a couple years. That's usually a fear of rejection and vulnerability. The solution I found is to basically learn to stop taking things personally, and make a game out of it. Basically most of the time, I'm saying ridiculous things to make myself laugh, and they tend to get caught up in it with me, which makes it easy to play with them and work that into flirtation. I never presume they're interested, and keep it to "I'm just having fun here, and she can join me." It requires a sort of emotional disconnection, and not caring what the outcome is, what she thinks, and being focused on if I'm having fun and laughing. My sense of humor is quite ridiculous, much like yours.

But it's hard to share how I handled it through text since it's not a single thing and not simple to explain. It comes down to learning to distance oneself emotionally from the situation and any particular outcome, and from the people you're playing with to the right degree, and knowing that because it's just being silly and making yourself laugh and have fun, it doesn't matter as long as you're having fun with it.

There's more but I don't know how to explain it. But you have to keep desire, goals and neediness out of it, and make it only "just being silly and having fun" without concern for anything else. I'm not sure if that's anything you haven't already done or figured out, but maybe it'll help some.

(09-24-2023, 12:15 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]I was really terrified of having someone I was interested in knowing it when I was in high school and after for a couple years.  That's usually a fear of rejection and vulnerability.  The solution I found is to basically learn to stop taking things personally, and make a game out of it.  Basically most of the time, I'm saying ridiculous things to make myself laugh, and they tend to get caught up in it with me, which makes it easy to play with them and work that into flirtation.  I never presume they're interested, and keep it to "I'm just having fun here, and she can join me." It requires a sort of emotional disconnection, and not caring what the outcome is, what she thinks, and being focused on if I'm having fun and laughing.  My sense of humor is quite ridiculous, much like yours.

But it's hard to share how I handled it through text since it's not a single thing and not simple to explain.  It comes down to learning to distance oneself emotionally from the situation and any particular outcome, and from the people you're playing with to the right degree, and knowing that because it's just being silly and making yourself laugh and have fun, it doesn't matter as long as you're having fun with it. 

There's more but I don't know how to explain it.  But you have to keep desire, goals and neediness out of it, and make it only "just being silly and having fun" without concern for anything else.  I'm not sure if that's anything you haven't already done or figured out, but maybe it'll help some.

Thanks Shannon, definately fear of rejection for me.

It's funny cos I have come across this multiple times, a similar mindset to what you're suggesting put in different ways, and occasionally have had that. But in the moment I don't even think of it, and the emotions make me unable to do so, it's like I just want it so bad.

I slept well last night, but today i'm exhausted and lightheaded. I could attribute it to either my friend I seen yesterday having a cold, or the fact that I increased my dosage of methylene blue today.

But the lightheadedness matches other days on OGSF, so it looks like that's what I can most attribute it to. Combined with the fact that it got noticably worse when I went down the street out in public, it's likely some kind of fear based response from somewhere deep. Now sitting at home i'm feeling it much less, it's just there mildly now.

I only went to do what I had to do, I had the urge to goto some opshops and went to 2 but decided I just had to go home and take it easy. Also finding it hard to think, and a strong feeling of sadness under it all.

I am still enjoying noticing the difference in how v2 deals with past memories and such. I notice it when I turn it on and lay down generally. It's like it goes through the memories, and related memories and I let myself feel the emotions, and sometimes lets me imagine something different, though I may have just got that idea from another journal it seems to work. And aspects of the memories that I don't remember coming up with other things are coming up. It also seems to go through the memories in a more complete way as compared to past programs that seemed to just get to small aspects of it.

ALOT of it is past things around girls, mostly guilt and fear. It's harder for me to identify shame or understand it.

Today emotions come up particularly strong. Reading a book it asked "what is your addiction a representation for?" (that wasn't exactly the question but the best I remember the meaning). And I realized with games it's wanting adventure basically but fear stopping that. And I started to imagine some things I can do that I haven't for years and was feeling good about it.

Then I had strong overwhelming feelings around that, i'm guessing mainly fear, but also feeling lost and eventually it lead me back to porn. It's like "no those things aren't safe, so lets drain you and make you feel shit with this addiction that will keep you stuck in the fear and not feel like going on this adventure".

I was really annoyed at myself after that, but then like every other time though after the first time I say I won't do anymore, 2 more times tonight.

I only lasted like a bit over a week this time, could that be attributed to v2 bringing up deeper stuff so I got to that point sooner? That's what i'm thinking. Also I was impressed how on the weekend I talked to a few girls and I didn't dwell on the ones that didn't respond well like I usually do, plus it didn't send me into a spin of frustration and turning to porn.

But 3 days later I was lead to that, some of the frustration was around girls but it wasn't all about that this time. During the porn binge an old and familiar frustration come up that i'll never be able to really fulfill my desires. It's a strugge to be with any girl, let alone who I really want to be with, that is also part of this "I may aswell just give up and give into these addictions cos i'll never be able to have what I want".

I'm upto my 6 nights off, first night tonight. After looking at porn the first time I really strongly wanted to listen, this would happen regularly on UH and OGSF v1 and straight after i'd desire more input. I nearly went with it but remembered the guidance to do atleast 1 cycle as instructed. I also really want to listen tonight feeling like I need the input when things are coming up so much, but i'll stick to the instructions for this cycle atleast.

I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday.

I realized that I have these intense emotions come up and I interpret it in a way that causes panic and fight and flight and wanting to run away from it. So I run away to porn, games, whatever.

But these feelings are almost a call to action, especially yesterday. It was telling me "You need to go and do more stuff instead of sitting at home". And instead i'm like "ah nope" and push it down with whatever coping mechanism. Though sometimes I do use it, but the problem is it's a weird cycle, like if I take girls for example the frustration might eventually get me to go out and go somewhere to meet them, then fear stops me from doing anything and even more frustration and intensity. So then I go home and it ends up with the same ending that isn't helping me and I know it's taking me further away from physical relationships, yet logically knowing it doesn't help.

I had a thought next time these intense feelings come up I need to sit with it quietly, and then ask myself "what can I channel these feelings into?". This might be going somewhere, creating something, doing some training or whatever. The idea of these feelings being a call to action come from the book I finished reading this morning "Turning Pro" by Steven Pressfield. Interesting timing for me to start reading it, because that idea rings true.