Well, back with a journal here. I had taken a break for a while to try out some medication, etc for some PTSD symptoms I was still having. Unfortunately both efforts didn't go that well and the medication made my symptoms even worst and one particular medication had withdrawal symptoms which was hell to deal with. Given this experience I just said I'm not trying medication for non physical issues again. I had already seen that OGSF v2 was being worked on and was going to run it. I'm actually dedicated to running it for the full 6 months and sticking to using it as instructed.
So given the 6 month usage period I should only be done around February 24th 2024. I might even go for an entire year if I have to unless something more unless something more useful and more powerful comes out after that date. I just don't want to have GSF anymore at all if possible. These things have just had so much of a strangle hold on my life and I am done with them. Yes, over the years I have gotten much better some aspects but I think I just need to get rid of all this already so I can move on and live my life. I think I am on my third day so far. I have noticed some different things here and there. I will randomly get these feelings and desires at times. Sometimes I will get this feeling as if I'm free from things and I can really be done with all this then it will go away for a while. Just a few moments ago I had this urge to want to be around people and socialize. This is somewhat big because when I was younger I was very extroverted. It was only when I got to junior high and later I started isolating myself due to fear, guilt and shame. So I think the longer I go running this sub the more longer those states will become normal.
As a side note I will have to do this while most likely being in China again for the majority of the run. I'm planning on going back there to work while I finish my degree along with maybe even doing my masters degree in AI while there. Reason being that unfortunately the tech market has kind of tanked at the moment. Basically a lot of jobs have been slashed and on top of that companies rather have senior level developers now instead of junior level developers. So even if I finished my degree in this current market I would have a horrible time finding a job at the moment. So given this I will just go back to China, finish this degree and maybe even do my masters degree then look for work. The good news is after September I will only have about 7 classes left to complete for my current 2nd bachelors degree. I think in the end this might be better for me running the sub as well. I found when I was in China my stress levels were way less and I felt a lot more peaceful than being in the United states. So I think being in a totally different environment while I make this transformation might be better. I think I might pick up Chinese while I am there as well as that might be a good career decision later on.
I do think I was one of those people who got stuck on the original to a degree as well but given feelings I'm getting on version 2 I think this might be at the right level of power for me to really breakthrough on this. Also I do think that even though my environment changed somewhat it wasn't enough to not slow down my progress. I do think in the end this might be what I need as long as I stay dedicated which given that you only need to listen for 40 minutes 6 days at a time it should be easy enough. One last thing I noticed was that I do get these urges to want to really change in regards to OGSF since I have started listening to it. I take that as a good sign frankly. Anyway, I will start updating this occasionally so people can stay up to date.
Usage is 40 minutes a day, 7 days on, 6 days off. It'll be important to follow the instructions on this one, for sure. Unless of course AutoConfig kicks in... but otherwise, make good and sure you're following the directions exactly.
(08-28-2023, 09:22 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Usage is 40 minutes a day, 7 days on, 6 days off. It'll be important to follow the instructions on this one, for sure. Unless of course AutoConfig kicks in... but otherwise, make good and sure you're following the directions exactly.
will do. Don't know why I wrote 6 days instead of 7 days. Regardless I have no excuse on why I would be missing days now. I mean its only 40 minutes a day with "almost" 1 week on and 1 week off practically. This has to be the least intrusive listening schedule so far. Its not like with 5G where I was listening between 16 to 21 hours per day.
As a side note I had something else happen this early on. I listened the third time and all of a sudden I just felt this surge of motivation where I just need to get rid of guilt, shame and fear. I need to ignore everything else and just focus on eliminating those feelings for the next few months. I think this sub is really starting to make me dial in to solving these issues. I might even go on this for an entire year if I have to. I rather spend 6 months to a year dealing with these issues once and for all then not have to come back to this stuff again and focus on improving things I really want to. Mainly MLS. I realize that the sexual stuff doesn't interest me as much. I already have woman I plan to meet abroad as I showed before. The only thing keeping me back right now is GSF and then I need to increase my learning capability so I can really jump start my career mainly by finishing all this additional education I need to get into AI. Other than that I do plan on most likely making an AI company later on so I will probably use the one of the business subs or sign up to see if I can get included in BAMM much later on. For now however I just need to focus on getting rid of GSF so I have a nice, clean slate to start off with.
Well, this sub is working more quickly and subtly than any I have tried which is amazing. The first thing I am noticing is more of what I mentioned before. I'm getting this huge motivation to want to do get rid of GSF. Like I feel very motivated to do the whole 6 months and maybe beyond of this sub. I even imagine how I will be by the end of it. This is very big for me because I feel like the thing that has been lacking in my life a lot even over the past 10 years is motivation and wanting to truly live. To be honest I feel like I have had this persistent Nihilism that has engulfed me for so long and with that this lack of motivation for anything. I actually am starting to feel this motivation and hope which is making me feel very good.
In a more practical sense something happened within the last few hours that shows a lack of fear and lack of willingness to be slightly manipulated. I probably have to set the stage for this so people can emphasize with what I will say. I think most people might know of when say your in a relationship (romantic, friendship, or otherwise) where it seems like your helping out the other person when you can when they have a problem or need help. However you notice when you ask for things or favors the person either drags their feet or makes up lame excuses on why they can't help. yeah I had one of those situations recently and usually I wouldn't make as much a big fuss out of fear of pointing out the double standards, etc will cause the so called relationship to fail. The funny thing was I only had like a split second hesitation then I just said screw it and didn't care. I literally brought this to that person's attention and of course the excuses were lame along with the usual gaslighting those people try to do. The thing where they gaslit you into acting "offended" that you are "keeping track of how much you have helped them" (whatever that means) and act like your the one in the wrong. As if you should just sit there and keep on letting them use you and you should be happy about it. I didn't even care, every single point they tried to bring up I made them realize how dumb that excuse sounded. They couldn't even explain to me how I was in the wrong exactly. Its interesting that during this time I realized I actually hate it when people make excuses for this type of behavior. No offense to anyone but I notice women are especially known for this behavior. If it seems like your putting more into the relationship than them and helping them then you notice they aren't giving that energy back or barely help you in return then you point this out to them they get angry that you are "counting how much you have helped them" as if a "good person" would just help with no expectation of receiving back. No, a good person also expects not to be used by people and using people is not an aspect of a good person last time I checked.
I don't know I just realized how I dealt with that situation was way different than usual and I realized I don't give a crap about these lame excuse people make for either not helping people that have helped them or just acting crappy to people in return. Anyway, so far I am noticing the changes. If this is only the first week I can only imagine how 6 months will look like. I don't know what is in 5.11G that is finally getting me to be way more motivated but I'm glad its finally happening.
I didn't think I would have often noticeable things happening while running this sub but that is what is happening.
5.11G is hitting a lot more differently than version before. I really don't feel any actual resistance and the instructions are reaching a part of me that previously was not being reached. I had something really different happen while listening for the 6th time. Its going to sound very freaky but within the first like 2 minutes its like I heard a certain part of me really ask myself "Do you really want this?" and then its like images of what I would be like if I pursued this flashed across my mind's eye while my eyes were closed. I have never had that happen before on any subliminal so far. It was like some part of me was really asking me this. It wasn't asking out of fear or anything really, it was like it was just seeking confirmation. I definitely felt during this time I was executing and I was slowly chipping away at things. Thing is though I say slowly it felt quick compared to the amount of resistance I was putting up against other subliminals in the past. Some deep part of me is being communicated while listening to this and it is responding favorably. Given this is just the first cycle of this I will definitely be keeping up with this subliminal and I might run it the entire year possibly. If I did do that hopefully by then a new MLS will be out.
@
Shannon I did have a question if you don't mind. If somewhere to run this for a year how would you suggest they do that? Should they complete the 6 months, take 2 to 4 week break then continue with the other 6 months? or should they just run the whole 12 months with no break in between? I ask because you have said in the past that subconscious boredom can be an issue.
So finished listening to the sub for the 6th time and finishing up this first cycle of listening to it. I'm already getting the urge to listen to it more but I think I will wait. I mainly want to see how I feel throughout the first 6 days off of it. If I notice on one particular day within those 6 days I see a noticeable downward in affects happening then I will take not of that. For example if I notice some resistance popping up more noticeable on say day 4 of not listening then I might do 7 days on and 3 days off instead. I know I will need some days off because I definitely notice a ramp up affect when listening to this consistently days in a row. Like the power and effects slowly ramp up every consistent day you listen to it however I do notice with this ramp up it might start running into some kind of uncomfortable feelings or resistance. Thing is the resistance is way better handled on this. I only started feeling any of that yesterday on the 5th day. I noticed some uncomfortable feelings coming up while listening. However automatically my mind did something it hasn't done before. Essentially I just said "I will feel, experience and let go whatever I need to to reach the goal". Once that happened its like I was still feeling the emotions but I was able to disconnected from them, deal with them and just observe them objectively.
On other thing that I noticed in this ramp up affect is it feelings like the instructions (going to use a metaphor I guess) are taking me by the hand and slowly increasing my desire to want the end goal more and more. Obviously these are just instructions so that means that a major part of me that is executing is taking the part of me that is somewhat hesitant by the hand and slowly walking me towards the goal. I use hesitant because that is what it feels like. I don't feel any major "I'm not going to execute this, I'm too scared" resistance. It just feels like that part is executing but its doing it very slowly, step by step. Its not refusing to execute, its just very cautious but its at least moving towards the goal instead of either complete stonewalling or (the more frequent response I will get) cause as much emotional distress as possible in order to stop moving towards the goal. I have to say this is a very big improvement for me.
I did have one thing happen while listening for the end of this cycle. All of a sudden the idea that I'm not broken was accepted and that I can heal myself. All I need to do is change my mind. It felt like some part of me was coming to this realization or was slowly trying to believe in this. So I think this is good. More than anything it just seems like different parts of me are heavily engaging with this script. I do think I will actually try reporting here often like I have been doing because a thought did occur to me. With so many people suffering from PTSD if this sub either ends up curing, getting rid of the symptoms or even put the PTSD in remission I think this account might be very useful for some people who are looking for a way to find relief from this horrible mental condition. Might be good as well for maybe getting some kind of ballpark figure of how long you might need to listen for until you might see serious reduction in symptoms (though obviously everyone will be different).
Anyway, that's about it for now. Will just try to enjoy my days off over the next few days.
I'd like to point out that on this program, it is EXTREMELY important that you do AT LEAST one full cycle of days on and off according to the instructions. This is for two reasons. First, you don't know yet how the program will affect you on those days off, and what comes out of the models does for a good reason. Always run at LEAST one full cycle according to the instructions, and then make whatever changes you feel are appropriate. Otherwise you don't understand what the baseline is.
Glad to hear you're having good results.
(08-31-2023, 10:32 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]I'd like to point out that on this program, it is EXTREMELY important that you do AT LEAST one full cycle of days on and off according to the instructions. This is for two reasons. First, you don't know yet how the program will affect you on those days off, and what comes out of the models does for a good reason. Always run at LEAST one full cycle according to the instructions, and then make whatever changes you feel are appropriate. Otherwise you don't understand what the baseline is.
Glad to hear you're having good results.
It may be a good idea to have that in the instructions on the description page.
(08-31-2023, 10:32 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]I'd like to point out that on this program, it is EXTREMELY important that you do AT LEAST one full cycle of days on and off according to the instructions. This is for two reasons. First, you don't know yet how the program will affect you on those days off, and what comes out of the models does for a good reason. Always run at LEAST one full cycle according to the instructions, and then make whatever changes you feel are appropriate. Otherwise you don't understand what the baseline is.
Glad to hear you're having good results.
ok, heard loud and clear on that. I might just wait until I do 2 full cycles before I do anything to be safe. I do think after that I will probably listen more. I don't know why but I am getting those urges to listen more. First morning without listening and I kind of miss it already. Had to remind me its my day off. Also, I don't know if you saw earlier but what do you suggest for if someone wants to listen for an entire year? Just listen for the entire year straight or do six months, take a few weeks break then do the other 6 months?
@
Benjamin I also agree with that.
Only things to report right now is that I am noticing 2 other things. The first is that I find my mind thinking of ways how I can proceed with reaching the goal. Obviously the whole point is to just simply change your mind and beliefs. However I feel as though there is a part of me that is confused as to how I proceed at times. Like how do I get rid of all GSF. The second thing is I do have these moments where its like my consciousness shifts and it feels like I'm right at the tip of a breakthrough then there is a slight retreat back. Its almost like I become sort of lucid. I think for like a few seconds I am free of something that has me chained up then there is a slight retreat backwards though not enough to get rid of the progress made. I feel very motivated to keep going with this. I hope given this motivation that this means maybe 5.11G is the turning point for me finally where I just stop trying to find ways to resist or the worst part is when I feel like I have dealt with something then like a week or 2 later it comes right back. I don't think that will be the case here though. I'm willing to listen to this for an entire year if I have to.
One other thing which is not resistance I believe but more of having to do with my long term goals. As I said before I plan on running this long term then most like MLS then try to sign up for BAMM (maybe even the older version if a new version isn't out). However I am considering switching out MLS in that plan for Maverick first. Originally I had no interest in running Maverick whatsoever but after running this and then reading Duke's last post in his journal I am highly interested. Mainly because I really want to reach my full potential, screw everything else. If I want I can run MLS afterwards possibly. I will see what I want to do after 6 months to a year on this sub.
As for other things going on right now I am noticing I am getting certain stuff done when I can. Mainly stuff having to do with my paperwork to get back to working in China in the mean time. Just want to leave here and be in an overall better environment. I think I need to be in an better environment so I can safely go through this whole transformation without a problem.
Quote:ok, heard loud and clear on that. I might just wait until I do 2 full cycles before I do anything to be safe. I do think after that I will probably listen more. I don't know why but I am getting those urges to listen more. First morning without listening and I kind of miss it already. Had to remind me its my day off. Also, I don't know if you saw earlier but what do you suggest for if someone wants to listen for an entire year? Just listen for the entire year straight or do six months, take a few weeks break then do the other 6 months?
You'll probably know how to proceed after doing 1 full cycle on and off, but if you believe that it's best to keep going as instructed, by all means. The key is to understand the baseline, and to give your subconscious time not only to rest, but to execute without further input.
After the first run-through, you'll want to take at least a week off. Helps prevent subconscious boredom.
Well, thought I would update on things along with some personal things have happened.
While at work on my last night of the week before having 2 nights off something did happen during my meal break. I usually rest in the car during my break. I noticed as soon as I had my head on my hands and laying in the back seat that something just happened where I had some kind of breakthrough. Essentially I had mentioned my mind was trying to find some way to reach the goals. I don't know why but all of a sudden when I wasn't distracted its like my mind just came up with the idea that I just need to find what is holding me back and distance myself from said pain or negative beliefs that were keeping me from the end goal. I knew on some level I had to do this but I guess I really needed to have it in conscious awareness. I even had this tested in a way when I think later on I was going through photos and even some of those photos were with women where things didn't end too well. This time however I didn't really feel anything. Its like my mind just said "well, sometimes things just don't end up the way you expect them to" and that was it. No fear in seeing the pictures and not real negative feelings. They are just pictures and that's it.
In other news I did have something else I was made aware of as far as potential living situations. Turns out the company I am working for is trying to expand into Austin, Texas. They want people to arrive there before October 2, 2023. If people sign up to do that they will get a 20k USD incentive bonus. Now your normal pay will be readjusted due to the lower standard of living in Texas compared to California but you will get 5k on the paycheck before October 2nd, 7,500k on the paycheck after you move there and the last 7,500k one year after being there. However despite how good this sounded initially I think I will still go with working in China. Less stressful job overall, less stressful environment, only working at most 20 hours a week, and higher paycheck with free accommodation. I also just realize American culture just doesn't mess with me at all. I noticed when I was in China I just was more calm, relaxed, and I connected with people better. People were more friendly, polite and had manners. People went out of their way to help me if they could. Also, the economy overall is just better. I also realize if I end up doing a new version of MLS eventually then from a career stand point I might spend those years while I finishing my degree also learning Mandarin again which would be good in the long term. China is set to be the largest economy (overtaking the US) by around 2028 or so. So knowing both English and Mandarin would be very beneficial I think. So though still not set in stone it probably will still be I will be working in China until even my masters degree in AI is complete.
Now this leads to one other issue which also motivates me to leave the country. Basically I might have mentioned months ago that my mother seems to be slowly losing her marbles but also one other thing. I notice she is slowly trying to make me pay for everything (not half or a portion, every part of every bill). I'm not an idiot, this is the part where your parent tries to make you pay everything while they do nothing but maybe go to their job every once in a while and use all their income on nonsense. yeah, I'm not going to be used like this. As far as I'm concerned (and some might remember based on stories from my other thread) she had the best time to buy a hours several years ago when she had a lump sum of 90k USD. Instead of doing the smart thing by moving to another state and using part of that money as a down-payment she stayed where she was and wasted all that money within 8 months. This included helping with people's university that were actively lying to her when she should have just told them to either work, take out loans, or go into the coast guard. So I have no sympathies and don't plan on taking care of my parent like a parent when they literally wasted every opportunity to improve their life. I hadn't mention before but she had the chance to go back to school while my step father took care of everything but gave up after 1 semester. What did she do afterwards? Literally just stayed at home doing nothing for years (while constantly complaining) until my step father died and then she was in big trouble. So yeah, more motivate to just leave because this is not the environment or person to be around while your trying to deal with your issues.
So in the end I think things will work out. Just got to stick with this sub and my plans and within 2 years I should be set and not have to worry about anything much anymore.
Well, have today and tomorrow off then I will be on to my second cycle.
Definitely noticing some changes in thinking. I mean even the fact that I am write reports here very often is very different for me. Usually I like to wait maybe anywhere from a week to 3 weeks before I make another post but now I feel interested in getting details. There was one other thing that happened that was kind of a revelation for me. Its like I came to the conclusion that the great adventure that I have wanted my whole life is this. Basically the great adventure is to face my own weaknesses and to overcome my own short comings. Facing GSF is the best adventure you can have. When you read about historical figures that ended up doing great things or making new discoveries its because they did the inner work first. Had they not done that none of those things would have manifested externally or came to fruition. This realization has made me even more committed to this path. I can't do what I want to in the future unless I complete these necessary internal steps.
As for my current situation I have already made moves towards looking at all my options in both China and Austin and will make a decision after maybe a week. All I know is I need to leave here and get away from my more immediate family. Too much toxicity and dysfunction for my liking.
This is going to be a long post because a lot has happened. A lot of good things to be specific.
I have this big feeling that my life is rearranging itself towards a much more positive orientation at this point. As if I'm having this pull towards a much positive future. So on Tuesday night I got laid off. I know sounds bad but it wasn't actually. It was actually a positive. The funny thing was I saw that I needed to report to the main building on my phone. Now they had already warned that they needed to send people to other areas or they won't be able to keep the same amount of workers. I had also applied to the transfer to Austin though I basically said no to a LA transfer ( I have no desire to go to LA at all). I learned from one the of the guy from my job that 2 days earlier they had laid off 50 people and the night before they laid off 6 people. So I already knew what to expect. I felt the fear try to come up but something was telling me this is one of those situations where it might seem at first as a bad situation but it turns out being good. Got there and was told I was laid off. However they also told me they will be giving me my last paycheck and a severance package within 2 weeks. The severance package is about 5500 USD and with the education stuff I will get next month I should have 7500 USD. I was not expecting a severance package at all and this was actually very good.
Before this I had still planned on moving out of the country to teach until I finish all my tech education but I still needed to think about buying the airplane ticket, paying the fees for my paperwork, and having enough money saved up until I get my first paycheck. This just solved all that and will give me time to knock out a few more classes until I move (by the end of this month I should only have 7 classes left to pass). So in the end this was actually the best thing that could have happened like my intuition was telling me. Also the timing was weird. Literally like 2 days before I got this information I had a breakthrough during the second cycle. I just decided I'm not going to feel guilt, shame and fear. I'm not going to feel GSF because of people around me, I'm not going to feel GSF because of my environment, and I'm not going to feel GSF because of myself. Along with this a lot of healing of traumatic stuff happened. I literally sat there and visited a lot of the most traumatic events in my life determined to just face them and let myself do what I needed to do in order to get over them. By doing this its like a lot of the power I allowed them over me was taken away. I don't know what is in this 5.11G tech but instead of previous versions that produced a "run away" reaction, this produces a "run to and face it" reaction. I learned something very important and that goes for the not feeling GSF because of myself. I realized I have GSF regarding feeling my own emotions. This is why I acted so "robotic" in a way. Its also why all this hatred, depression, and rage was built up. I needed to deal with these emotions as they came but I ran from them and so they just kept on building up over time.
Also on top of that you had the fear of "losing control" compounding all this. I had given into this false idea of binary extremes. As if the choice is between showing no emotion at all (or suppressing it as much as possible) or you just lose total control and go on a rampage. Apparently I wasn't taught the nuance of there being a difference between going on a complete rampage and giving yourself the time and space to feel and express those emotions in a healthy way. So yeah, after that day I just said screw it and just let myself feel any emotion I wanted in a healthy way without totally suppressing it. Funny enough that is when I started actually feeling joy, happiness and like I was free. I started noticing I was sleeping deeper and better as well. I just don't give a crap anymore about all that stuff that used to occupy my mind. I notice I'm not in my head and there aren't as much random thoughts either. This is all after only 3 weeks mind you. So I am very, very interested to see where I will be after 6 months. I do think things will be cleared up after 6 months to be honest. After that I will decide if it will be MLS or Maverick at that point. If I choose Maverick I do think i will be ready for it after 6 months of this sub. However I might need to choose MLS because by that time I will be signing up for masters in AI degree programs. So will really need to have good study skills at that point.
So right now I'm just going to be relaxing, studying and signing up for unemployment benefits until I leave sometime next month. That does lead to one other thing which is that I am highly considering going to Korea instead of China this time around. Yes, it will be less salary per month (2k vs 3k per month) though housing will be provided but I will not have to worry about the whole VPN situation. Once I get to my masters program I will have deadline for assignments, etc. and if the VPN is throttled for a week or more I risk not being able to submit my work which could make me fail the program. In Korea there is no national firewall I need to worry about so I can submit my work with no issue. Also, trying to send money out of China to the US is a big hassle which usually involves a bunch of fees. In Korea its very simple and fees are very minimal. So the more I have thought about it the more I might be going to Korea instead for work.
Other than all that right now I feel quite happy and just don't give a crap. If someone doesn't like me that is their problem. If they don't like the fact that I don't feel shame or guilt, that is also their problem. I just don't care anymore about all that. I only care about my goals at this point and people who have shown they genuine care about me. That does lead to one other incident. Essentially there was one person I was helping out with creating a plan of action regarding something. About a year ago they had another idea and ran it by me. I told this woman in particular that that was a bad idea and not to do it. Well towards the end of last summer they decided (right when they were about to accomplish the original plan we set out) that they would change to the other plan that I said was dumb without telling me and low and behold it blew up majorly in their face. Didn't hear from them in a while and at the beginning they seemed like they learned their lesson or at least took some responsibility. However that came to a head when they asked for help from me, I offered minimal because of circumstances that were going on at the time. I noticed afterwards there was a shift in attitude and then all of a sudden when i asked what was going on they started getting this nasty attitude and blaming me for their mistakes, etc. I noticed the tactics more easily since I was running this sub. It was the usual GSF tactics that a certain breed of women like to use especially when trying to avoid accountability. I engaged for a while though took no blame for anything because that would be stupid. Eventually, I notice guilt tripping was especially on the menu and instead of falling for all these tactics I noticed I was getting angry and allowing myself to get angry (this was after that big shift I mentioned above).
I eventually after she crossed a certain line just blocked her. The hilarious thing is (which might show the universe has a very good sense of humor) is that a few hours later is when I realized I would be getting a severance package. So basically had she remained calm and took responsibility I would have been able to at least help her a small amount. So what did I do? I unblocked her, told her the news and told her she would have been helped just a bit with her situation (that I had verified) but she decided to not take responsibility at all and act bad hurling insults then I reblocked her. Yes, I acted petty. No, I don't feel bad or any "shame" about that at all. I kind of just kept laughing to myself a bit afterwards. This is out of character for me since I know now GSF used to be a major problem for me. Now I don't give a crap about any of that.
Anyway, that's about all that has happened so far. Things are going very well and this has been a very big paradigm shift for me.
Thought I would right this up since I did forget some things in my last post.
This is probably the best working sub I have ever tried so far. I might want to add that like @
Magnus has said in his journal I have found myself being a lot more social, people wanting to engage with me more and me wanting to talk more as well.
There is one other major thing that has really changed. My sexuality and feelings about it. Don't mean in an orientation type of way. I mean as in I actual unabashedly desire sex and have no shame regarding that. Also my mind just has this desire towards pleasure. As if when I get some kind of pleasurable feeling I just let myself get swept up in it. I don't think this means I lack self control. Its just that in those moments that are supposed to be pleasurable I just allow myself to relax and be in that moment. With this when I have had sexual thoughts of encounters I might have its like I have this total sexual confidence in my mind and how I would act in such instances. Btw, when I mention this the desire is for real sex, not porn. I don't know what got cleared up but something got corrected to the point that I don't see porn as a real alternative option. Only the real thing will suffice and I'm willing to give myself over to it fully. I think its with changes like these that yeah after 6 months if I want to run DMSI, its alternative or even one of the old magnet programs I think I would execute no problem whatsoever. Whatever sexual hang-ups or traumas I had are completely gone now. I don't feel any hesitation in this area.
As a last note I do plan on actually playing by ear regarding my listen schedule. It will be close to the instructions but probably just a little bit more.