Cycle #12 Off #2
Interesting day. At school I'm more willing and able to more around the classroom now, and less stuck to my seat. My communication with the class teacher has also improved, along with students. I seem to be getting more respect from people, for some reason.
I'm getting tired of mentioning her but work girl pissed me off by ignoring me again after the previous day where I was essentially nice to her and took an interest in her mom while she was waiting for a lift. I noticed that the righteous anger I felt translated into confidence. It's a weird compensation.
In the same vein when I went into the staff room today and caught her unaware she seemed emotional seeing me. I honestly don't understand her motives. On the one hand, she wants some sort of relationship but is completely uninterested in me as a person. Go figure. I think I'll stay away from her from now on.
Cycle #12 Off #3
Think I realise now why work girl doesn't show interest in me apart from wanting a relationship. She's not attracted to me, and is primarily looking for security for her and her kid. It sucks but makes sense. To be honest, I was reluctant anyway due to her circumstances. I guess it's for the best. I'll be moving on from her from this point forward. The truth will set you free.
Cycle #13 On #1
Day off due to the Queens funeral. #nofilter, I've been extremely horny for work girl, lol. Not sure if this is some sort of resistance. Also I've been thinking about my short time in the navy before I quit. It was a great opportunity but fear really got into the way, to the point where I couldn't do basic things without my mind going blank. I'd like to try it again in the future, perhaps, but I need to get this elephant in the room dealt with.
My set up at night is working well. The earphones don't fall out now and it's a pretty nice set up with white noise to doze off to. I've also been extremely tired, the 4AM wake up time really takes it's toll. Dreaming has returned.
Looking forward to tonight and tomorrow. Let's see what happens.
Cycle #13 Off #2
Long day yesterday as I had to stay back for open evening. It went surprisingly well. The most difficult part wasn't actually interacting with the parents, it was more so being on my own without anyone to tag along with.
One of the challenging parts of the evening was being around work girl. My body language was pretty submissive when I had to be apart of a large group involving her, but my fear was manageable and I thought I did pretty well considering. Look's like we're ignoring each other again, despite the good will I've shown towards her. I feel more at ease with this now however, as I feel I've done all I can to reconcile with her.
In other news, I feel that I'm putting myself in more difficult situations where I can test my level of comfortableness. Whether that standing up more during a lesson, to moving around when I was previously stuck in my seat. I like where OFv4 is taking me.
Cycle #14 On #1
Early in the day, but had a weird dream involving waiting for the bus and shooting arrows at my house. Got onto the bus and a queue started waiting to get my ticket. Driver was helpful. Not sure what that means.
I also haven't had any more skin problems, just normal bumps which disappear really fast. During work I haven't felt the need to use OF in the moment for the past two weeks, so whatever fear was causing that panic seems to have dissipated.
//Work girl for those interested
On Friday after opening evening work girl was nice towards me and took one of the wheelchair users to physio for me. At the end of the day she seemed a bit nervous. I think she has some sort of fear related to being abandoned, which would make sense.
I haven't mentioned this but last term when we had a positive interaction during lesson the following day and two I had a really intense focus on her, almost a sort of trance, where I was mentally going over us being together, and what that would entail. It lasted for the whole weekend, and I wasn't putting any effort into it; it was hard to disconnect from. The following Monday she comes in black, which shes done twice now, which I think is her way of signifying she's taken or some such. Strange girl.
I've also noticed that she spells my name with a lower case letter, whereas with others it's with a capital. This has happened twice now and I think it's symbolic of how she views me.
Anyways, just some food for thought
Cycle #14 Off #3
Feeling like I'm stagnating somewhat. I ran an extra loop of Ultra on Wednesday due to fear/anxiety. I think I might reduce my off days to 3 and see what effect that has. My other option is to change format, but I think I'll try reducing the days off first. No skin issues currently. I'm disappointed in a way, because it was a good indicator something was happening. I know something is, but it's nice to have that physical feedback.
Cycle #15 On #1
Reduced the off days down to three. Had some fear today when I entered the staff room with work girl. My heart feels heavy, not in a sad way, like I'm ill or something. Unrelated to work girl. I'm not sure what is being worked on.
Cycle #15 Off #2
Had a great day. Moving around the classroom a lot more confidently now. Less self conscious. Fear in check. Really helped me realise my potential in the role.
Also less fearful about work girl. Did things with a lot less fear. Let's hope this is permanent. Heart continues to feel heavy.
Cycle #15 Off #3
So, less good than yesterday, but some of it was out of my control. Fear crept back in somewhat, which I think is TID from tonight. Kept bumping into work girl, which makes me wonder if she's been the one thinking about me. Wasn't expecting that. I feel that I'm slowly moving on from her. Heart still heavy.
Cycle #16 On #1
Pretty good day. Started off with some fear, but it cleared up towards the end. It was pretty nice actually. I felt a lot calmer in a situation which might of triggered me before.
I had some weird dreams last night, one of them involving work girl, and she was on my mind going to work but through some breath work I was able to clear my mind of her. It's weird she popped into my awareness today, as she wasn't the day before. Still moving on from her, no regrets despite the better interactions we're having, ironically, but I don't have the same feelings toward her anymore.
Cycle #16 Off #1
Tough day with some disrespectful kids. Fears on and off, but I think my confidence is slowly improving.
The journey continues.
Hey man nice to see fellow OF journey
Did you have any intellectual or mental fears relieved by running OF4?
Cheers and all the best
(10-07-2022, 12:13 PM)LiquidMind Wrote: [ -> ]Hey man nice to see fellow OF journey
Did you have any intellectual or mental fears relieved by running OF4?
Cheers and all the best
OF works on all fears. Currently I'm processing emotional ones. If you just want intellectual fears relieved it's best to run MLS, although it's lower technology.
Cycle #17 On #1
So-so day. Dealing with fear in the classroom after an verbal spout with a student last week.
My dreams last night were pretty nightmarish but I can't remember much. Looks like I'm still processing.