(08-24-2022, 12:48 PM)StridingStrider Wrote: [ -> ]Cycle #8 Off #2
Got another itchy spot on my bladder. Only two active at the moment, and they're not that itchy. Also, something which may be of note I've removed a window cover which blocked half of the window in my bedroom. I've now got a full view of the outside, letting all the light in. I wonder if that's symbolic of something.
Been feeling a lot more confident lately, despite the lack of dreaming. Woke up early today too, probably got like four hours sleep. Much less emotional releases, but they do still come when I induce them.
That sounds like whatever is being processed is making progress. Opening the window isn't just symbolic (not hiding from the world, maybe, or moving away from some sort of negative emotional state?), it's also affective, in that you're getting more light, which will improve your brain function and probably help with emotional states to some degree.
(08-25-2022, 08:24 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ] (08-24-2022, 12:48 PM)StridingStrider Wrote: [ -> ]Cycle #8 Off #2
Got another itchy spot on my bladder. Only two active at the moment, and they're not that itchy. Also, something which may be of note I've removed a window cover which blocked half of the window in my bedroom. I've now got a full view of the outside, letting all the light in. I wonder if that's symbolic of something.
Been feeling a lot more confident lately, despite the lack of dreaming. Woke up early today too, probably got like four hours sleep. Much less emotional releases, but they do still come when I induce them.
That sounds like whatever is being processed is making progress. Opening the window isn't just symbolic (not hiding from the world, maybe, or moving away from some sort of negative emotional state?), it's also affective, in that you're getting more light, which will improve your brain function and probably help with emotional states to some degree.
I think it's a fear related to low self esteem, like being judge on what I do. But it's hard to say for sure. All I know is I'm less concerned about privacy.
Cycle #9 On #1
I had another emotional release before running the sub last night. This seems to a be reoccurring theme. I feel better each time it happens though. It's not entirely spontaneous; reading Rumi or practicing gratitude and love will trigger me to start crying. It feels good actually. Like I'm finally aware of how I feel, and have emotions other than fear, guilt or shame.
Four days seemed like a long time but after running it last night my head feels fuller, so I guess four days off is needed to decode everything. My confidence is higher as well. Less of a need to run off when uncomfortable (if they appear) feelings surface. I'm still off work however at the moment so I'm not tested as much right now. But that's just around the corner. I'm feeling that Hybrid is right for me at this moment.
Cycle #9 On #2
Pretty good day today. More eye contact, continuing conversations rather then ending them etc. I did wake up pretty early though, only getting something like 5 hours. I tend to be more confident with less sleep, it's weird. But I felt much better today. Let's keep this up!
EDIT: Forgot to mention I got was getting some weird looks from people. Felt like I was on DMSI lol.
Cycle #9 Off #2
Feeling good still. Awkward smiling is going down. Still happens but it's decreasing. Which is good because it means I'm less anxious. Hoping this continues. Got a message from work that we'll be doing a whole day of team exercises... felt the fear surface, so still work to do there. But I feel things are improving.
I've also been more productive the last couple of days. I've been working on time sheets which I've put off due to how monotonous it is but I've managed to get two months done in two days-ish. Let's keep this up.
Cycle #10 Off #2
So today I went back to work. This was stressful for a number of reasons:
#1 Felt awkward over work girl who happened to turn up just as I did. Lol, couldn't of picked better timing.
#2 Whole day of group activities with people I'm don't really know. I was pretty quiet throughout
#3 Just being back at work after 6 weeks off, getting out of the routine.
#4 One of my work colleagues has left who I was close to. So I'm on my own more.
During the course of the day I ran ultrasonic for 2 1/2 loops to help with anxiety. I think it helped.
Now, when I woke up I had an itchy lump (yes lump, bigger now rather than a spot) on my stomach. Then at the end of the day when I got back I noticed another lump between my ball sack and thigh. They've both flattened out a bit but boy my subconscious must be terrified of whatever is being worked on.
Overall, it went pretty well. Work girl continues to ignore me, but I'm cool with it. In fact after all those crying episodes I think I have better emotional stability regarding her. I think I'll be using less ITM usage after today, as the routine sets in.
Cycle #10 Off #3
So today has been really good. Much more confident for most of it. Tapered off towards the end though. I think the two ultrasonic loops yesterday are down to it. The format change must re-execute the script in some manner, even though my normal is hybrid which contains it. Either that or a fear was overcome, I'm not sure, but considering it tapered off towards the end maybe not. Still, that was a nice day.
Before running the loops I had another good cry too, after reading some Rumi again. God, he's fantastic. Really hits home. I wish I could find more poets like him, non-duality etc.
No IML today. Instead I used some Brewers Yeast for the B1. I'd like not to use IML if possible. But my performance is important. Hopefully it doesn't set anything back.
Also for those interested work girl was nicer today. She's still a bit distant though. Oh and the lumps are receding. Turns out I actually had three instead of two.
Cycle #10 Off #4
Interesting day. When I got to work I felt like I was blushing. Anxiety was up slightly but it was manageable.
When work girl came in she was wearing black. Distant until break when she opened up. We're communicating more now I feel. Day ended with us both walking back together, which I think she planned. All very interesting. I wonder if the blushing I felt was due to external energy. Hmm.
Pretty confident today as well. Maybe it's TID for tonight. I'm looking forward to the next cycle.
Cycle #11 Off #2
Had a pretty good day yesterday. More confident again. The spots/lumps are clearing up. Fear dealt with? Let's hope so. I'm not 100% confident but better. I've noticed that since I've embraced love/gratitude I'm a lot happier/nicer to people. Feelsgoodman. That said I'm noticing also that I'm less emotional now. I think it was probably linked to a fear being worked on. But boy, it was beautiful while it lasted. The emotional releases felt very profound.
In other news, things are still on and off with work girl. She's recently changed her WhatsApp image from her and her baby to her when she was younger and boy, she was a looker. I wonder why she did that...
Cycle #11 Off #3
I've been pondering what the deep feeling I have in my heart is. Is it love? Is it external energy? FRM? Or DRS? Probably not the last two, and it seems connected with work girl. My heart sort of like sings when I think about her. Is this what love feels like? Or is it something else? I have no idea.
I've also been mulling over what to do about her. One part of me says ask her out and see where it goes, the other part says she's looking for a provider for her kid (probably true) among other things. But this feeling I have is authentic, whatever it is. I don't think she feels the same way though, in fact, I'm pretty certain of it. She is interested in me as a provider though...
A singing heart is, in my experience, an expression of love. But a one sided expression of love always dies harshly on the rocks at the base of the cliff off which it is inevitably thrown by the unrequiting party... again, my experience.
(09-11-2022, 09:04 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]A singing heart is, in my experience, an expression of love. But a one sided expression of love always dies harshly on the rocks at the base of the cliff off which it is inevitably thrown by the unrequiting party... again, my experience.
Thanks Shannon. I think you're right. It just sucks because I think the potential was there, but it wasn't meant to be.
Cycle #11 Off #4
End of cycle #11
Strange day. In not so chronological order my train didn't turn up on time and I stepped in dog shit on the way back. Karma? Hmm...
So another dry day between me and work girl. She sits right next to me but hardly spoke like most days. When I got in another women asked if she was okay. I thought that was strange. Like maybe she knew something was afoot. I felt more distant too, and didn't wait for her this time before I left. Felt a bit fearful about the situation, so I slipped off at the end. My heart wasn't singing today. In fact, after I left I got negative thoughts about her, which made me laugh considering only a day ago it was the opposite. Ironic.
Looking forward to tonight. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow, after a few Hybrid loops. Let's kick some more fear based ass!
I suspect karma has more important things to do that getting you to step in dog shit.
(09-12-2022, 07:17 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]I suspect karma has more important things to do that getting you to step in dog shit.
Maybe so, but it's a strange coincidence. I'm fairly reflective on everything that happens now as everything's connected.
Cycle #12 On #1
Woke up two hours early with my playlist replaying. Forgot to turn off replay, but I think it did the full four loops after my white noise track. I felt pretty refreshed. Maybe the nutritional yeast I'm eating is helping my energy levels.
The day started off good, got my train on time and work girl was conversational but restrained. At the end of the day though I felt anxious being seen leaving her. I guess my fear of judgement hasn't fully gone yet. That said, I've been more expressive being an authority figure, which was good. I was left in charge of a class and had to maintain discipline. Didn't fully work but I was less self conscious about it.
Really want to get rid of these fears surrounding women - fear of intimacy, being hurt etc. If that happens then I could potentially have a decent relationship. Until then it feels fairly impossible/not worth it as you come across as too needy and lose respect. Damn. Let's go!
Cycle #12 On #2
Got the loops in and listened on earphones. Trying a new approach out which seems to not result in them coming off during the night. The noise isolation is really nice too. Helps get to sleep without all the background noise.
Good day. Still fearful about things but I'm getting braver I feel. Leaving work girl at the end of the day seems to be doing something. She's more anxious it seems and I caught her looking at me which she doesn't really do, which felt nice.
I also feel I'm becoming more loving. I've been doing work in this direction but I'm less hesitant to help people out and have concern for them. We were doing about the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand in History and I learnt that his wife got shot in the stomach while she was pregnant and I felt the sadness of it. I think I'd of either not cared or find it ironic in the past, but not now. I also got a comment that I seem happier from a work colleague and people are nicer to me in general. Love and gratitude seems to be working.