Day 110
I can't think of anything new that I need to report. I'm experiencing more of what I've already reported.
I'm still working out regularly. My routine is far from optimal, but optimal isn't my focus. My focus is establishing my current routine as my new baseline of activity versus the slothful lifestyle I adopted starting a few years ago. Once that's solid, I'll refine it.
I've mentioned it before, but OFv3 has revealed how little interest I have in my work. I used to believe that overcoming fear would restore a level of joy in my work by reducing the stress. In reality, overcoming fear showed me that fear was my primary source of motivation. Now that it's mostly gone, my motivation is gone along with it. I still get things done, but it's an exercise in willpower every day.
I'm really looking forward to UMSv2. I've already mentioned having some ideas about other sources of income. As I began to ponder these ideas, I came to the conclusion that I don't have a clue how to get from where I am to making those ideas a reality. As I pondered more, I realized that the problem isn't that I can't figure a path out. The problem is that the process of acquiring UMS scares me enough that I haven't been willing to think it all through then take action. I'm hoping that UMSv2 will help me with that.
Based on my usage so far, the shining aspect of OFv3 (for me) seems to be that it's removing the veil that I've used to hide truths from myself. How far it's able to go beyond that, I don't know. I have 70 more days to find out.
Day 113
I should've taken a break Thursday night. I had already been feeling some mental fatigue but I decided to push the loops anyway. That was a mistake. I spent the next three days recovering from the mental exhaustion. It was obvious when the backlog of data went into processing then execution by the vivid dreams I suddenly had.
Dream 1 - I was in a pasture on the downhill side of a neighbor's property. Water runoff 4-5 feet deep came rushing down the hill at me in waves. I was able to get away from it the first few times. Later, i found myself on a horse. I was protected from the deepening water for a while until it finally washed the horse away. Then I found myself in a big white room with three walls. The water funneled into that room in waves until finally it overcame me. That's all I can remember other than it being terrifying. This is the 3rd water/wave dream I've had since running OFv3, only this time I wasn't able to escape the water.
Dream 2 - There were two warring factions in the company I work for. By warring, I do mean things got physical. In this dream, I was in a meeting hall with other employees. The other faction showed up looking for trouble. I stepped in as the diplomat. I ended up working with a representative from the other faction who was a cute blonde with short hair, professionally dressed, smart, sweet...Anyway, we worked together to find common ground between the two warring factions. At the end of the dream, I told her that we wouldn't see each other again.
I was pretty emotional throughout the day. I kept replaying the water dream over and over in my mind. I don't want to used the word unsettled because it has a certain connotation, but that's the only word that comes to mind. It's possible that I'm having to deal with repressed emotions right now. Maybe there was a fear wall that I erected to protect myself from those emotions. Now that this wall has been dismantled, I'm now face to face with what I've tried to avoid.
Day 114
Dream 3 - I don't remember the specific context, but I was out and about somewhere like an outdoor market. There were all sorts of characters there. One guy was pretty aggressive with his attitude toward everybody but in typical OFv3 mode I shut him up pretty easily just by my presence. WARNING: Kinda gross here...Later, I soiled myself because I took too much of a supplement. I removed my undies and put them in my pocket. Why I didn't throw them away is anybody's guess. My intent was to keep them for cleaning when I got home later, which I did. I remember being embarrassed about it and making sure nobody knew. One more thing,,,I can smell in my dreams...
Dream 4 - I was riding a motorcycle. It was a Harley...loud...rumbling...obnoxious...awesome. It was bright red and it might've even been a trike, but I don't remember for sure. I was riding along a seawall. I felt really free. I loved the wind blowing through my hair and I loved the sound and the feel when I hit the throttle. I dove through a few open-walled restaurants. As I type, that seems odd, but it felt perfectly normal in the dream.
Last night's dreams seem to indicate that I've removed something negative from my life and that it's freeing. But I don't feel that way in my waking life. I'm not sure what to make of it all right now. I'm feeling a level of uncertainty and the emotions that come along with it. Again, unsettled is the only word that comes to mind. It's possible that I've overcome my fear of not being in control and now I need to learn to live with a certain amount of uncertainty in my life.
Day 120
This morning, I looked at the clock as I started (8:00). I looked at the clock when she couldn't take any more (8:06). That's a record for me. That wasn't me beating her to the finish line. That was her beating me, then giving me the option to either stop or finish. She was done. Six minutes.
I believe this to be both a direct and an indirect result of OFv3.
Long before I met my wife (going all the way back to my high school days), I always had the tendency to focus on the woman's pleasure. I wanted the woman to walk away from the experiencing thinking about how good I was in bed. Telling her/their friends was a side benefit that I've enjoyed a few times. The problem is that the root of that mindset was insecurity (fear). Because of that, I really didn't enjoy giving pleasure as I feared not giving pleasure. Fear takes a lot of fun out of the deed. OFv3 seems to have largely addressed that. This morning, I just enjoyed it. The result is that I pleasured her better than I could've done otherwise by just being in the moment without fear. Amazing. This is the direct result of OFv3 I mentioned.
I've been exercising regularly for about a month and a half. I lift twice a week doing compound barbell lifts and do HIIT cardio 5 days a week. Based on the facts that I'm slowly leaning out, I'm gaining more strength & stamina, and my little buddy below has been waking up before I do, I suspect that my hormonal balance is better than it was when I began. I'm at the age (over 40) where these things really do matter. OFv3 helped me to start a sensible exercise regimen without feeling the need to push myself to the brink of what I can manage. I'm also not going crazy with my diet. So, my new found sexual potency is probably boosted by my diet/exercise regimen, which was enabled by OFv3. This is the indirect effect of OFv3 I mentioned.
Ah, another with a boost in the bedroom! Awesome.
5/x HIIT!? Hardcore!
(09-12-2021, 11:28 AM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]Ah, another with a boost in the bedroom! Awesome.
5/x HIIT!? Hardcore!
Yep. I'm pretty pleased with the bedroom boost for sure. My wife has been really sweet and submissive since then, almost like when we first met. We've been married long enough that that type of behavior isn't the norm any more. But to be fair, there are probably behaviors on my part that make her feel less desirable than I used to make her feel. I need to be more conscientious of that. I think the combo of showing her how much I wanted her plus delivering the goods has stirred her emotions in a good way.
The HIIT isn't as badass as I might've made it seem. I do a total of ~12-15min per day, spread out over multiple sessions. I do 3-4min as soon as I wake up, again at lunch, then again in the evening when I get home from work. It's not optimal, but it's convenient. Convenience is important for me these days because I've gotten lazy and it's easy for me to make excuses if I let myself.
(09-12-2021, 10:27 AM)NOMAD Wrote: [ -> ]Day 120
This morning, I looked at the clock as I started (8:00). I looked at the clock when she couldn't take any more (8:06). That's a record for me. That wasn't me beating her to the finish line. That was her beating me, then giving me the option to either stop or finish. She was done. Six minutes.
I believe this to be both a direct and an indirect result of OFv3.
Long before I met my wife (going all the way back to my high school days), I always had the tendency to focus on the woman's pleasure. I wanted the woman to walk away from the experiencing thinking about how good I was in bed. Telling her/their friends was a side benefit that I've enjoyed a few times. The problem is that the root of that mindset was insecurity (fear). Because of that, I really didn't enjoy giving pleasure as I feared not giving pleasure. Fear takes a lot of fun out of the deed. OFv3 seems to have largely addressed that. This morning, I just enjoyed it. The result is that I pleasured her better than I could've done otherwise by just being in the moment without fear. Amazing. This is the direct result of OFv3 I mentioned.
I've been exercising regularly for about a month and a half. I lift twice a week doing compound barbell lifts and do HIIT cardio 5 days a week. Based on the facts that I'm slowly leaning out, I'm gaining more strength & stamina, and my little buddy below has been waking up before I do, I suspect that my hormonal balance is better than it was when I began. I'm at the age (over 40) where these things really do matter. OFv3 helped me to start a sensible exercise regimen without feeling the need to push myself to the brink of what I can manage. I'm also not going crazy with my diet. So, my new found sexual potency is probably boosted by my diet/exercise regimen, which was enabled by OFv3. This is the indirect effect of OFv3 I mentioned.
Dude I thank you for this post. I was with a girl tonight and things was getting stiff, I guess she was feeling that I was holding myself back. I came to think of this post and just started acting on what I felt doing in an intimate way, even doing things that I usually find is "being across the line" but she respondent totally different to that, and felt more free to express her desires. Awesome.
(09-14-2021, 12:58 PM)Johannesbrst Wrote: [ -> ] (09-12-2021, 10:27 AM)NOMAD Wrote: [ -> ]Day 120
This morning, I looked at the clock as I started (8:00). I looked at the clock when she couldn't take any more (8:06). That's a record for me. That wasn't me beating her to the finish line. That was her beating me, then giving me the option to either stop or finish. She was done. Six minutes.
I believe this to be both a direct and an indirect result of OFv3.
Long before I met my wife (going all the way back to my high school days), I always had the tendency to focus on the woman's pleasure. I wanted the woman to walk away from the experiencing thinking about how good I was in bed. Telling her/their friends was a side benefit that I've enjoyed a few times. The problem is that the root of that mindset was insecurity (fear). Because of that, I really didn't enjoy giving pleasure as I feared not giving pleasure. Fear takes a lot of fun out of the deed. OFv3 seems to have largely addressed that. This morning, I just enjoyed it. The result is that I pleasured her better than I could've done otherwise by just being in the moment without fear. Amazing. This is the direct result of OFv3 I mentioned.
I've been exercising regularly for about a month and a half. I lift twice a week doing compound barbell lifts and do HIIT cardio 5 days a week. Based on the facts that I'm slowly leaning out, I'm gaining more strength & stamina, and my little buddy below has been waking up before I do, I suspect that my hormonal balance is better than it was when I began. I'm at the age (over 40) where these things really do matter. OFv3 helped me to start a sensible exercise regimen without feeling the need to push myself to the brink of what I can manage. I'm also not going crazy with my diet. So, my new found sexual potency is probably boosted by my diet/exercise regimen, which was enabled by OFv3. This is the indirect effect of OFv3 I mentioned.
Dude I thank you for this post. I was with a girl tonight and things was getting stiff, I guess she was feeling that I was holding myself back. I came to think of this post and just started acting on what I felt doing in an intimate way, even doing things that I usually find is "being across the line" but she respondent totally different to that, and felt more free to express her desires. Awesome.
Excellent! I'm glad you found value in my post.
Day 132
The past couple of weeks have been rough. I was experiencing an increasing level of fear, to the point that I was miserable. So, I boosted the loops to 8/day and ran them until I was totally exhausted. After that, I backed the loops down to 1/day, 2 on:1off. I'm still mentally tired, but the fear is gone. Oddly enough, the fear cleared when I backed the loops down to 1/day. That's also when I began sleeping better and vivid dreams returned. My theory is that I switched from processing mode to full-on execution.
OFv3 has been pretty consistent in revealing what I don't want in life. It has also been consistent in bringing out anti-social tendencies more than any sub I've run to date. I think this is because of what the sub is demanding from me and the fact that I'm having to focus damned near all of my energy inwardly to make headway. I've built my entire life on top of fear, layer by layer. OFv3 has the difficult task of unraveling that big ball of knotted yarn. Six months won't be enough to finish that task. I'm pretty certain of that. But, I'm going to have to jump on the UMSv2 bandwagon at the six month mark. Although I expect certain circumstances to work themselves out to some degree, that's not something I can bank on. I need UMSv2 to guide me through a possible rough patch that may be coming in the near future. With any luck, that guidance will be significant enough that I'll never look back to where I am now. As tempted as I am to get a head start...right now... with UMSv2, I'm going to remain faithful to OFv3 until my run is complete. That should fall around mid-November.
Day 139
As OFv3 whittles away at the fear, I find myself becoming more temperamental and more vocal about circumstances I don't like. I'm having to consciously manage the expression of my displeasure which is something I used to instinctively do out of fear. The chains are breaking. That's clear.
For the past week, I've upped my loops to 8/day, 2-4 on/1-2 off depending on mental fatigue. In my last entry, I noted that six months wouldn't be enough. While I still think that might be the case, I've gotten the sense that OFv3 has been able to make a significant leap forward and that I'm not as far away from the end goal as I'd previously thought. As I type this, it occurred to me that this might've been some form of subconscious resistance trying to get me to switch subs and that my internal directive to increase the loops might've been just what I needed to overcome it. I say that partially because the temptation to switch subs was really strong this week, especially since I've gotten pissed off multiple times this at work. There's a really interesting, multi-layer dynamic unfolding there and I don't like being caught up in the middle of it.
There are only a handful of fears left that I can consciously name. Although they exist, they don't trigger some uncontrollable emotional response in me. In a sense, it's almost like I'm straddling a blurred line between experiencing actual fears versus possessing a detached awareness of a circumstances/situations.
I'm experiencing increases in libido like many have noted here. I don't have any intention of running DMSI until I've done at least a year of UMSv2. So, I'm not sure what's going on there. But one thing I've noticed is that TID seems to carry over into other things. I've noticed that once I set the intent, I begin having an associated experience it at low levels. I experienced this just before I started working out again. I've experienced it when adjusting my routine. This week, I've been experiencing the feeling in my throat that e-none gives me. It actually occurred just before making a purchase. As far as I can recall, this had never happen before OFv3 (or maybe it was LTU6). I don't know if this is coincidence or if this is my imagination playing tricks on me, but maybe Shannon can use this info somehow in the event that it's sub-induced.
(10-01-2021, 10:01 AM)NOMAD Wrote: [ -> ]I noted that six months wouldn't be enough. While I still think that might be the case, I've gotten the sense that OFv3 has been able to make a significant leap forward and that I'm not as far away from the end goal as I'd previously thought.
There are only a handful of fears left that I can consciously name. Although they exist, they don't trigger some uncontrollable emotional response in me. In a sense, it's almost like I'm straddling a blurred line between experiencing actual fears versus possessing a detached awareness of a circumstances/situations.
Your journal is clearly proof that OF works.
This is exactly what I've been feeling lately. Once I surpassed 100 days, I've felt OFv3 making greater leaps, "shifting into a higher gear", so to speak.
Months 5 & 6 should be exciting.
(10-01-2021, 01:28 PM)GreekGod22 Wrote: [ -> ] (10-01-2021, 10:01 AM)NOMAD Wrote: [ -> ]I noted that six months wouldn't be enough. While I still think that might be the case, I've gotten the sense that OFv3 has been able to make a significant leap forward and that I'm not as far away from the end goal as I'd previously thought.
There are only a handful of fears left that I can consciously name. Although they exist, they don't trigger some uncontrollable emotional response in me. In a sense, it's almost like I'm straddling a blurred line between experiencing actual fears versus possessing a detached awareness of a circumstances/situations.
Your journal is clearly proof that OF works.
This is exactly what I've been feeling lately. Once I surpassed 100 days, I've felt OFv3 making greater leaps, "shifting into a higher gear", so to speak.
Months 5 & 6 should be exciting.
OFv3 works. There's no question.
Day 139 (cont'd)
Tonight, I hugged a young lady I know. During the act, it took a significant amount of effort to not grab a handful of her perfect ass. Why? Because I'm extremely attracted to her. Why not? Well, one because I'm married. Two, because there was nothing sexual about the hug. The key here is that OFv3 has managed to overcome enough fear in me that I was ready to "pull the trigger" although the situation might not warrant it. It's clear that I'm going to have to calibrate as time goes on.
This is a testament to the power of OFv3 once it gains ground.
(10-01-2021, 07:53 PM)NOMAD Wrote: [ -> ]Day 139 (cont'd)
Tonight, I hugged a young lady I know. During the act, it took a significant amount of effort to not grab a handful of her perfect ass. Why? Because I'm extremely attracted to her. Why not? Well, one because I'm married. Two, because there was nothing sexual about the hug. The key here is that OFv3 has managed to overcome enough fear in me that I was ready to "pull the trigger" although the situation might not warrant it. It's clear that I'm going to have to calibrate as time goes on.
This is a testament to the power of OFv3 once it gains ground.
Interesting that you could distinguish extreme attraction and sexual vibes.. the action in that situation would be shooting yourself in the foot.. good you were mentally clear enough to see it...
Btw. Sounds like you gotta avoid this girl or explore it and get over with it or recommit to your wifey..
-LM
(10-03-2021, 07:20 PM)LionMonkey Wrote: [ -> ] (10-01-2021, 07:53 PM)NOMAD Wrote: [ -> ]Day 139 (cont'd)
Tonight, I hugged a young lady I know. During the act, it took a significant amount of effort to not grab a handful of her perfect ass. Why? Because I'm extremely attracted to her. Why not? Well, one because I'm married. Two, because there was nothing sexual about the hug. The key here is that OFv3 has managed to overcome enough fear in me that I was ready to "pull the trigger" although the situation might not warrant it. It's clear that I'm going to have to calibrate as time goes on.
This is a testament to the power of OFv3 once it gains ground.
Interesting that you could distinguish extreme attraction and sexual vibes.. the action in that situation would be shooting yourself in the foot.. good you were mentally clear enough to see it...
Btw. Sounds like you gotta avoid this girl or explore it and get over with it or recommit to your wifey..
-LM
Avoiding her isn't practical. Fortunately, that particular experience has wisened me up a bit. I won't let it sneak up on me again. I'm committed to my wife and don't intend to do anything stupid.
I think that the key take away is this - in the not too distant past, fear (of divorce) would've prevented me from engaging in inappropriate behavior. That fear is gone. In this instance it was the love and the respect I have for my wife (not fear of divorce) that kept me in line. The action was the same but the motivation was different.